elderly widowed mother w/ undiagnosed BPD who acts out abusively (no siblings)~

[Scot]

As a senior myself,  this year I have succumbed to the entreaties of my BPD-presenting (behind closed doors) elderly mother to "return home" to GA & help out b/c of diagnosed physical problems she is having --- there is no other family who is willing.  My only daughter, who is age 30 (I am divorced, & have had lots of therapy), is flying in to visit us next week fr/ the state where I lived before this recent change to GA.  Mother is emotionally out of control as of this week with badgering,  nagging, criticism, hateful jibes, histrionics, the usual aberrations I grew up w/.  It is especially painful b/c I am so looking forward to my daughter's visit, & Mother is obviously trying to pick a major fight like she used to w/ my dad.  I have had too much therapy to take the bait,  & I have disengagement-fr/-her-abuse boundaries, but she is unrelenting w/ the onslaught. Any suggestions or support would be appreciated!  Thanks, Scot

[Notwendy]

I can identify with your posts because my mom with BPD is also an elderly widow. I too have done a lot of work to not get into her stuff with her, but I have a sibling with whom she seems to re-enact the same stuff she and my father did. This sib is working on becoming more aware of this, but they are still emotionally enmeshed and trigger each other.

If you think about why your mother does this, it makes sense that these behaviors are what she has been doing her entire life, and with your father- they worked for her, and they worked for them. My parents were in this pattern for about 60 years, so why wouldn't she continue the same behaviors. Also, with the elderly, they may not have the stamina or incentive to learn new behaviors, and their boundaries may be even less.

My mom is who she is, and I don't expect her to be any different. When I do visit, I have shifted my focus from managing her, to managing my own discomfort. It is crazy making, and so, I can only handle so much. I have to take care of me, whatever that takes. At the moment, I am not her caretaker. My father thankfully left enough money that she has what she needs. However, when I do visit, there is plenty for me to do to help out. I also have made it clear to her that I will not engage in verbal abuse- not by my words, but by actions.

Strategies for me include:

I have to have time to myself. I have sometimes stayed somewhere else when visiting her so that I can have some peace and quiet. If I stay with her I have to take some time alone.

Get exercise and eat healthy foods.

Small indulgences like taking a short drive alone down a scenic road while listening to favorite music.

If other family members are there (like your daughter) and I wish to see them, telling mom ahead of time that we would like some sibling time together, and then doing short things with them like taking a walk, running an errand. I can see how she may feel left out if we did something fun without her, but we try to get time together alone, since when mom is there, she tends to take center stage.

Now for some boundaries:

These arguments take two. It is reinforcing to her to be able to engage you. Now, when I think mom is beginning to incite something inflammatory, I do not participate. I have even left the house for a while if she does that. Things may get worse before they get better, but if her behavior doesn't work with you, it could get less.

Some elderly people do get more irritable, and at some point, I just have to tune it out.

I do not participate in triangulation. If she starts trying to discuss a sibling or family member with me, I simply say " I don't want to talk about so and so behind their back".

One challenge for you is the transition from living near her to visiting. At the moment, I still visit my mother. For a short visit it is easy to go along with her. However, I think this is setting up an expectation, and an idealized situation that this is the way it is, but it isn't realistic for people living near each other. Changing behavior takes a long time ,and that can not be done during a short visit. Now, you have moved closer to help her, and she may think that you are available 24/7 and have no other things to do.

This is not reasonable for you, or anyone- to be a caretaker 24/7 can lead anyone to burn out. For your own sanity, you need to have your own life and your own interests, hire someone to help mom at times if you can- so you can have a break. Establish your boundaries " Mom, I am not available on Thursday evenings. I am taking a class at the college".  "Saturday I am hiking with friends"  She may not like it. She is used to a pattern with your father, but you are you, not your dad.

It isn't easy to care for someone with BPD. You are doing this because of your value system. This may not be a possible choice for every situation. For some people, the parent is still harmful to them.  However, like you, I see that the mother who terrified me as a child, is an elderly widow. She's not so scary. However, when I am with her, I know that I have to take steps to self care and not to get into the old family roles.

[Kwamina]

Hi Scot and welcome to bpdfamily

Notwendy has made a lot of good points. I too agree that boundaries are very important when dealing with a BPD family-member. Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or perhaps some other disorder? Do you feel like she in any way has ever acknowledged that there might be somethings wrong with her behavior?

You returned home to help your mother, are you just living near her or actually in the same house? To help you with setting and defending your boundaries, I suggest you take a look at this article:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Since you now have a lot more contact with your mother, I also suggest you take a look at some of the communication techniques on this site specifically designed for dealing with people with BPD:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is a valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Here are links to more information:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

I encourage you to keep posting here. Many of our members know how difficult it is to deal with a BPD parent. I think you can benefit from reading their stories and interacting with them.

Take care

[HappyChappy]

is emotionally out of control as of this week with badgering,  nagging, criticism, hateful jibes, histrionics, the

Kwamina gives very good advice and using S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. are the sensible things to do. However I find making sarcastic comments that go over the BPD head one coping mechanism. I also find reminding myself that BPD act like 8 year olds and that potentially there's a comedy writing itself at times. Also wearing head phones and listening to music when they're around. You've got to limit their constant nagging somehow.

When I was a kid, my over weight BPD mom use to sit on me - she can't do that any more, I can run faster than her now. Worth remembering that, when the F.O.G. kicks in. You also need a good reason to leave the room at short notice; maybe diarrhoea ? No one questions diarrhoea. Alternatively you could try getting her into something, like knitting or reading the obituaries. Well that works for me, but not for everyone in which case Kwamina's normally good generic advice. Best of luck with whatever helps you cope.