Triggers?

[seang]

Ok, i kinda get what a trigger is.  But ive read a few posts when people have said, "i new then I'd become the trigger".  Can someone explain in some detail how and when you know YOU actually become a trigger?  And what that implies.  Is it then unavoidable to stop?  Hope that makes sense.

[rotiroti]

The moment any acting-out comes out (blaming, criticizing, abuse, silent treatment, and even idolization) is when we have become a trigger. If you are like me, I had no idea what BPD was at the time of the r/s, I knew something was wrong but couldn't put a label on it. Many of us on the leaving board are reflecting back to the relationship and applying what we have learned about the disorder and about our roles in them. It's during this closure (Which is next to impossible to get from the pwBPD) that many arrive to the conclusion that it really is all about BPD.

Is it then unavoidable to stop?

It's inevitable. That's why it's the same story told here over and over again. Who the non is really doesn't matter, a pwBPD needs an attachment and it could be to anyone. The bond acts to soothe the pwBPD while triggering their sense of engulfment. When intimacy comes, they're not conscious about the fear of engulfment creeping in. They push as a result and start to paint us black, at which point we've become a trigger for a wide spectrum of emotions. Cycling from good to bad... .split from white to black... loved and discarded.

[scgator]

Ok, i kinda get what a trigger is.  But ive read a few posts when people have said, "i new then I'd become the trigger".  Can someone explain in some detail how and when you know YOU actually become a trigger?  And what that implies.  Is it then unavoidable to stop?  Hope that makes sense.

I'm pretty sure I typed that same thing myself, I knew I'd become a trigger. How did I know? Because in my case, I was being painted black/white literally day to day. I started to see the circular arguments, the accusations, the rage, the abuse, all of it came from her fear of abondonment/engulfment. I only saw it after finding out about BPD, which was probably 7 months into our 9 month rs. I wasn't the cause of those fears but I was the trigger or catalyst. It got to the point where she ALWAYS thought I had an ulterior motive for anything. I started to see that her mind would start to run away with her, could have been something I said or did or didn't do, didn't do enough of, a look, or just too much calm (I'm pretty laid back) and at that point there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like my presence started the ball rolling and no one knew when and where it would stop.

That's when I knew I'd become a trigger. NOTHING I did mattered. I got blamed for things I never did. Endless accusations. It was destroying us both. She wants me around as a friend now or fwb but I know that I can't be either right now. I'm still a trigger. Just telling her no, I'm not over you yet so can't come see you as a friend, I can't sleep with you without the mushy crap at the moment, led to a tirade that I must be gay and I'm a liar. I can see she was feeling rejected because I wanted to meet my emotional need for once. She could have cared less about my feelings because the rejection triggered her.

My own defense mechanisms also fanned the fire. I'm a logical person so when accusations started flying about me cheating on her I tried to explain them away. She constantly said I was a pathological liar and I constantly tried to prove that I was being honest - something my T reminded me I did when I was a child with my parents, had to convince them I was telling the truth. So at that point, she'd be attacking and I'd be defending but NONE of it was based in reality, it was more her trying to force her own reality onto me. I'm not saying I had nothing to do with the dynamic, just saying I know what I did and didn't do and when someone tries to beat it into your head otherwise it skews reality. Nothing I tried worked and at that point just being around her, especially during times when she'd seem to get bored, would be enough for her to start losing herself inside her own mind. Like I said, once that ball started rolling no one knew where it would stop.

[seang]

The moment any acting-out comes out (blaming, criticizing, abuse, silent treatment, and even idolization) is when we have become a trigger. If you are like me, I had no idea what BPD was at the time of the r/s, I knew something was wrong but couldn't put a label on it. Many of us on the leaving board are reflecting back to the relationship and applying what we have learned about the disorder and about our roles in them. It's during this closure (Which is next to impossible to get from the pwBPD) that many arrive to the conclusion that it really is all about BPD.

Thought so, and thanks.  My God, i was the same in that I never knew BPD at the time but knew something was wrong.  She blew of at me 2 weeks into the r/s that i found amazingly soon to be rowing with a new partner.  Is 2 weeks too soon even for a BPD.  Was i that much of a trigger for some reason to bring out the splitting so soon?

It's inevitable. That's why it's the same story told here over and over again. Who the non is really doesn't matter, a pwBPD needs an attachment and it could be to anyone. The bond acts to soothe the pwBPD while triggering their sense of engulfment. When intimacy comes, they're not conscious about the fear of engulfment creeping in. They push as a result and start to paint us black, at which point we've become a trigger for a wide spectrum of emotions. Cycling from good to bad... .split from white to black... loved and discarded.

I get that.  Something I dont quite get, and maybe this is to do with her being a hfBPD with possible Narc traits, is that it doesnt seem to me she DOES "need" this attachment.  I mean before me she was single for 3.5 years.  There were a few dates, etc, but nothing serious.  She always used to make a point that "she didnt need a man in her life" and that she was very independent.  And tbh, I'm pretty sure shes not left and has someone else in tow already.

Whats all that about? :-)

[seang]

I'm pretty sure I typed that same thing myself, I knew I'd become a trigger. How did I know? Because in my case, I was being painted black/white literally day to day. I started to see the circular arguments, the accusations, the rage, the abuse, all of it came from her fear of abondonment/engulfment. I only saw it after finding out about BPD, which was probably 7 months into our 9 month rs. I wasn't the cause of those fears but I was the trigger or catalyst. It got to the point where she ALWAYS thought I had an ulterior motive for anything. I started to see that her mind would start to run away with her, could have been something I said or did or didn't do, didn't do enough of, a look, or just too much calm (I'm pretty laid back) and at that point there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like my presence started the ball rolling and no one knew when and where it would stop.

Ditto.  My triggering seemed to kick her off pretty soon into the r/s for whatever reason.  Mine was a 12 monht r/s, and I started researching about 8 months in for answers.  So i started suspecting BPD around 3 months ago.  Didnt like what Id discovered, even if it did give answers.  Our early cycles were around every 2-3 weeks with a split of around 3-4 days. 

That's when I knew I'd become a trigger. NOTHING I did mattered. I got blamed for things I never did. Endless accusations. It was destroying us both. She wants me around as a friend now or fwb but I know that I can't be either right now. I'm still a trigger. Just telling her no, I'm not over you yet so can't come see you as a friend, I can't sleep with you without the mushy crap at the moment, led to a tirade that I must be gay and I'm a liar. I can see she was feeling rejected because I wanted to meet my emotional need for once. She could have cared less about my feelings because the rejection triggered her.

I kinda feel jealous you have been split white.  Im def split blacker than black now, for whatever reason.  She did throw out we could be friends ___, but i refused and said i would go NC in order to move on.  This angered her and she accused me of being childish in not being able to remain in touch.  Maybe i went blacker still after that?  I dont think for a minute she'll be knocking on my door anytime soon. 

Such madness, that we, the very people who wants to love them, pretect them, shelter them, end up being the actual cause of all their fear and pain.

[helpmewithbpd]

I was in a similar r/s we were together 6 years on and off and her having r/s in between,  but we started having bless around two weeks into the relationship,  I was pretty well amazed this could happen so soon ,  see broke up with me 3 months ago,  started sleeping with a mate which is now over and now she has another partner  and is always out on weekends,  God only knows whee her 13 year old son is all week now days,  but she has painted me blacker than black,  and I can't get over her at all,  I can't seem to move on at all,  I'm trying to I'm seeing a specialist and have gone no contact for about 8 weeks now it killing me,  all I know is I'll be watching for red flag next time and never fall in that trap again,  part of me wishes she would at least let me know she cares,  maybe then I'd feel a little better

[scgator]

I kinda feel jealous you have been split white.  Im def split blacker than black now, for whatever reason.  She did throw out we could be friends, but i refused and said i would go NC in order to move on.  This angered her and she accused me of being childish in not being able to remain in touch.  Maybe i went blacker still after that?  I dont think for a minute she'll be knocking on my door anytime soon. 

Such madness, that we, the very people who wants to love them, pretect them, shelter them, end up being the actual cause of all their fear and pain.

I almost prefer black. Then I wouldn't have to explain why I need to take care of myself and it would make NC/LC much much easier. The urge for a fix wouldn't be as strong so to speak. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm only white when she has a need and still think I'm painted black to her friends and family. And yes, it's very sad but we are NOT the cause, just the trigger. If we were the cause then the changes we made/attempted to make to stay in the r/s would have had some success. I know in my case, I gave my heart to someone who doesn't know how to treat it and that's not either of our faults. It was my fault for letting her keep it for so long. Not moving on after the  . In the end it was harder but more loving to leave and stay away because any rs just wasn't healthy for either of us.

[seang]

Thanks scgator,

You seem very grounded man.  Wish i was were you are now.

[scgator]

Thanks scgator,

You seem very grounded man.  Wish i was were you are now.

Any time! I sure wasn't in the beginning of all of this, that's for sure. And it's still day by day dealing with the urge to reach out, re-engage, but it gets easier with time and distance. Luckily, being LC, I've been able to say pretty much everything I wanted to to her. Not that she listened or any of it registered but still, just getting it off my chest helped.  I have co-dependent traits so am working on building a fulfilling life for ME. I look at this as life finally telling me I need to resolve my past and love myself. Looking at it like that takes the focus off of the loss of the fantasy and puts it back on me.

Stay strong and do what you have to do for YOU. If you have a setback, don't sweat it, cut yourself a break and get back on track. I found coming on here and reading some of the posts or making a post during moments of weakness really helps.

[Mutt]

Hi seang,

I also became a trigger   Sufferers of BPD have different traits, characteristics, severity along a continuum and each person has different triggers. Someone mentioned abandonment and that's a big trigger ( perceived or real ) for a pwBPD another example could be that if we're late for a get together, the pwBPD may perceive that as rejection ( trigger )

My ex is undiagnosed and displays traits of the BPD personality type, I didn't now about PD's in our relationship and marriage and a pwBPD need a lot of validation. I didn't know better from my FOO. I invalidated and argued and fought often in our marriage when she was emotionally dysregulated. I would make things worse, she wasn't returning to her emotional baseline.

I was a trigger post-break up for a few months, I stopped making things worse by learning about the disorder, I understand that she's emotionally dysregulated and I depersonalize her behaviors, I don't argue and fight back, there's a lot less conflict. I validate the valid and not the invalid. I'm less triggering