Why does he want to be my friend?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is something that has been puzzling me a lot. If I am the lying untrustworthy crazy douche bag (he once called me that in the street) that he says I am; who upsets and makes him angry; why does he want to spend most of his time with me (only as a friend mind you) he has told me the "spark has gone" which has actually hurt me beyond belief. I have tried asking him the question but somehow I never seem to get an answer. I think the nearest I got was I like your company which I again find difficult because who would like the company of a lying untrustworthy crazy douche bag. Does he really believe that or somewhere deep does he know that I am not which is why he wants me in his life. 5 days now with very LC, text only.

[Sadly]

This is something that has been puzzling me a lot. If I am the lying untrustworthy crazy douche bag (he once called me that in the street) that he says I am; who upsets and makes him angry; why does he want to spend most of his time with me (only as a friend mind you) he has told me the "spark has gone" which has actually hurt me beyond belief. I have tried asking him the question but somehow I never seem to get an answer. I think the nearest I got was I like your company which I again find difficult because who would like the company of a lying untrustworthy crazy douche bag. Does he really believe that or somewhere deep does he know that I am not which is why he wants me in his life. 5 days now with very LC, text only.

[FannyB]

Hi Sadly

You've read all about the 'twin terrors' for pwBPD - attachment and engulfment? Well maybe in you he's found the perfect antidote to both.

He wants attachment which he has now secured despite the lack of intimacy which he gave you to secure the initial attachment, and he has the necessary emotional detachment so that your love doesn't engulf him.

Most pwBPD simply latch on to alternative supply at this stage. Your ex either finds the current state of affairs very comfortable, or lacks the will/self-confidence to secure a replacement at this juncture.

Just my thoughts.


Stay strong!


Fanny

[Conundrum]

He wants you in his life bc he knows you'll accept his abberant relational abuse. You're a sponge for his disordered emotionalism, and he finds that useful and endearing in a disordered fashion. Additionally, the fact that you take his whims and fleeting preferences so seriously empowers him which feeds into his grandiosity. He plays upon your low self esteem. Instead of laughing this joker off you're playing right into his hands via ultra-neediness. Who cares if he's denying you physical intimacy, that has nothing to do w your appeal and everything to do w him gaming you. There are plenty of gents who would be into you. You sound like a compassionate woman. Don't be afraid to kick this fool out the door, and open yourself up to a man who will really appreciate you. It's better to be alone for a while then settle for a turd like that. If you're hell-bent on being w him, then take your power back. Otherwise you're going to be miserable.

[Sadly]

Thanks both of you. Sense as always Fannyb. He did indeed have a lovely comfortable life with me and I know he misses it. I do too but in many ways it was so empty for me whereas it filled his needs. I am looking now into co-dependency as I believe I have rather a lot of those traits  .

Connundrum you are right also and my esteem certainly needs working on that's for sure. I was alone by choice for many years, not for want of offers I hasten to add but it seemed safer for me having been badly hurt before. This is a hurt to end all hurts though.  Well, I guess that does answer my question, thanks again   

[js friend]

 Hi Sadly,

Have you heard of projection? It is a defense mechanism where pwBPD put all their unwanted feelings about themselves onto another person, so when your "friend" called you a "lying, untrustworthy crazy douche bag" he was really talking about the feelings he has towards himself, but it is too difficult to admit so he put it onto you.Does that make sense?

I think that it is time to get out of this r/s as your friend has obviously has no regard when it comes to your feelings. He has also told you that you make him angry and upset, yet still wants to hang out with you which is kind of a double standard... .So you are expected to change  and not be your normal self when you are together as you irritate him and  so you walk on eggshells when you around him!and that is no basis for having a friendship.Good friendships mean we give and take and we love the other person for who they are and dont try to change them. No good friendship will destroy your self esteem...

If I were you I would go out and find healthy friendships Sadly as it sounds as though this man has very Npd strong traits. He needs the attention of being desired and admired and is using you as his Narc supply.

[Sadly]

Hi JS thank you for responding. I have heard of projection and yes I think that's what he must be doing. When we first met we used to sit up all night and talk about our hopes and beliefs and things that were important to us. The big ones were trust and honesty. I really believed we both felt the same but when things started to go wrong I caught him out in so many lies and evasions. I only tried discussing them a few times because of the anger it produced and I remember saying to him once. "Just because I don't mention things does not mean I don't see them". that went down like a cup of cold sick I can tell you  . I lied to him once, it wasn't even a big thing and did try to explain that it was because I feared his anger but oh no, that added to his armoury. Not only was I a liar but I was making out I was afraid of him. Cant win. I am out, only 5 days since I last saw him and am suffering badly but I am out. I wanted to tell him that I am confused about his definition of friend. How many friends would have him be as rude and dismissive as he is to me and want to be his friend, how many would put up with being told what to wear and say and think, but I realise it would be pointless. If he was in the right frame of mind he would see it as he has shown he can do that and he has said the word sorry before too though not often; but chances are he wouldn't be in that frame. All so very sad and soul destroying but I am out and I know I can never go back, I just have to deal with my own heartbreak and loss now. 

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Sadly firstly let me say I know how raw you feel and it is so incredibly tough.  So sorry this is happening to you.  I of course was once in your shoes and it was debilitating just like you say.  While I didn't fully understand it at the time (and was desperately seeking answers) I knew and my body knew,  that the whole dynamic was toxic. My head would pound from crying so much and trying to figure it all out.  I would physically ache with longing for a let up from the feelings of abandonment and rejection. I suspected I was feeling a lifetime's pain all at once. I was inconsolable for a long time. Nothing really took the edge off,  crying was the only action that brought relief and eating small amounts of food kept me from actually dying.  I felt like I would die from a broken heart at times.

What was very bizarre was that most of the time when we were together this guy irritated me to be honest,  I didn't think I would have such a problem letting him go. I found out different. I would cry and wail but

I would still want to make sense of the disconnect between us,  having so often been so close... .

The realisation that he had been mirroring me appalled me and scared me.  Those early days of acknowledging my own feelings were hell.  I couldn't wish it away and my God did I try,  prayed,  begged the universe for a miracle,  pleeeasse...   This is called bargaining,  a stage of grieving sometimes before acceptance. An excellent book which helped me understand MY feelings (not his) was 'Journey from Abandonment' recommended on this site.

Of course nothing changed with my ex he appeared quite happy,  detached,  cool even.

Surreal to me we had broken up and he was good with it? It felt like he had been stolen and replaced by an unfeeling wooden indifferent smug lookalike.  I will never forget that change in my perception of him and trying to wrap my mind around it.

You have found this site which is terrific,  have you read the article on stopping the bleeding? On boundaries? (protecting ourselves)

You say you feel you must reply to his texts,  what would it be like to put yourself first and switch off your phone for short periods while you grieve,  look after yourself etc?

It could be the start of following through on that 'No' you told him.  Actions speak louder than words.  I was way too available to my ex looking back,  he wanted it that way.  I took my power back when I made plans for myself that didn't include him,  that I didn't tell him about,  when I refused to wait by the phone... .  when I thought about what was best for me.  I had to learn how to make my no a no,  and not a 'maybe' he had no reason to take me seriously bec ause he knew he could get around me.  I needed to get tough.  I did. I chose to go our separate ways.

I emailed him once or twice (nothing emotional or about the relationship) but all texts and phonecalls stopped as did face to face contact.  I managed to get to four months before I saw him in person and I was stronger but still reactive internally to what he was saying.  I chose to go full NC from then on.  That brought some self control back.  It's been a year now and it does get so much easier,  he is not on my mind night and day,  I no longer think he is the bees knees... .I am so glad I took the brave step of saying no more (inside myself) and acted accordingly. 

[Sadly]

Thank you, you have so described everything perfectly. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to be in this place right now and find it very encouraging to hear where you have got to. My head pounds too and I think I am also feeling a lifetimes pain all in one go. I have sat and looked at him ignoring me after blasting me for some strange unwarranted reason and thought, I really don't like you, why am I allowing you to do this to me. Then I would get mad with myself. My eldest brother is not a very nice person and I remember talking to my parents one day about why he was so horrid to me and they said we don't know, don't worry its not just you, to be honest we love him because he is our son but we don't like him very much. I felt honoured that they were able to admit something like that to me. I have begged god, the devil and anything in between to stop the pain I feel but naturally I know its down to me. I have read stop the bleeding, everything I read on here is powerful and helpful it's just the lonely heart breaking emotional stuff I need to get away from, the knowledge now exists. I am getting quite good with the texts, I never text him first and never rush to reply when he texts me. I am moving far away soon so I don't want to make things more difficult for myself by ignoring them. It is enough for me right now that I haven't seen him for 5 days which is difficult as he lives across the road from me. The other reason and I know it is not putting me first but hey. His father is dying of cancer and his mother is in a nursing home with Parkinson's. I adore her and she does me and I have been helping him deal with all of this for a long time, for their sake as well as his. They live 200 miles away so it has been hard all round. I feel I cannot abandon them too but it is not going to stop me moving away and I am fairly sure we will be in LC for a while until their end although that will be down to him at the end of the day. I am so pleased you are happier, it must be such a relief, grant us all that one day.  x

[disillusionedandsore]

Well done on not initiating texts, taking your time to answer and generally stepping back a bit and clocking up 5 days of not seeing him. They are big baby steps and baby steps get us there too.  I can understand you wanting to be there for him and his folks at such a difficult time and trying to balance that with looking after yourself. Your own well-being I see as being more immediate when you are coming to terms with your own relationship breakdown and your ex's mental health issues.  Not easy. You sound stronger today,  hopefully fortified by the support and information here. Keep up the good work.  We are all here for you.

[Sadly]

Thanks, I am having a good day today and certainly feel stronger, haven't even cried once yet which is just as well as I think my poor skin couldn't take any more salt. I am aware it could all change at any minute so am ready to fight my thoughts. Tis nice feeling a bit better.

[Pretty Woman]

Because you accepted his abuse before he assumes you will again.

It's hard to wrap your head around but really all we are is a NEED to them. It's not love, it's need. It's survival for them. A 3yo loves differently than a 40yo. A BPD loves like a 3yo. They need you to satisfy their immediate desires... .it's all about in the now and to sooth whatever it is they are not getting in that moment.

I am now at the point I feel really used. I allowed myself to be used because I LOVED this person. Once you realized they don't love you it gets easier. I mean it hurts like hell but it gets easier to detatch.

PW

[Sadly]

Makes sense. I do understand on one level and struggle on another but I do understand. I don't know where but I read this:

Never allow someone to become your priority while allowing yourself to become their option.



That's it in a nutshell really isn't it, what we have all allowed to happen.

[apollotech]

Hi Sadly,

I am glad to hear that you're doing better today! Keep moving forward as it does get better with time, understanding, and acceptance.

I agree with FannyB, he has abandoned the intimate relationship in order to avoid his engulfment issues. But, he still needs the attachment; that is priority; hence, the friendship bargain is offered. There are examples of these "friendships" on the boards, but, at least to me, they don't resemble what I think most would call a friendship. I think they are failures just as the intimate relationships were failures because the attachment for the pwBPD is the priority rather than the Non. In a normal relationship of any kind, the acquaintanceship/friendship/marriage/etc. is a by-product of the bond between the two individuals, the individuals are the priority. A pwBPD gets that backwards. By the examples that I have seen, these friendships are, just as the intimate relationships were, very one-sided; the disorder is still at work no matter what label is slapped on the relationship.

The other issue is that you are now a trigger. Unfortunately, I have never seen/read an example where that state can be/has been reversed. I have looked for this specifically in order to restore a very old lost friendship to it's original state.

This is just an observation, but you don't yet seem to be in a safe place to engage in any contact with your ex. Take care of yourself first, get healed, then evaluate what you'd like to do and what's even possible to do.

[Pretty Woman]

Apollo touches on something very important. Relationships with a BPD are never reciprocal.

Do you consider how your ex treated you, friend-like? Mine broke up with me calling me her best friend and that we would always be in each others lives.

Dead silence for three months. It's a disorder. Words and actions never sync up. The only time you are their "friend" is when they need something from you.

That is not friendship in my book.

[Sadly]

Yep, I do, I have told him I cant be his friend and don't want to be his friend, he has problems getting his head around that but that is his problem. I did try to be just friends but it wasn't working and once I realised it wasnt ever going to be anymore than that for him I stopped. Quite honestly I am glad I dont want or cant be his friend.  for the life of me I cant see how people that have an intense loving relationship long or short can go to being friends when one of them has blown the others life to bits. Anymore than I  can see why people take their partners back after they have had sex with someone else once never mind several times. I remember in one of my first posts saying I wish in a way he would be and then that would be the line in the sand, one boundary too far. We are all different so fair enough but I couldn't. I have asked the self same question. Why would he want to be friends with someone who according to him is a scummy lying douche bag. No answer was the reply. It's not friendship in my book either. I have got the answers I need from these posts about why he wants to be friends with me, it fits his disorder to a t, but I dont want to be friends with him and wont be.