undiagnosed mother

[paris1980]

Hello,

I'm a 34 year old female.  My 60 year old mother is suffering from (what I believe) BPD.  She displays almost all of the symptoms I've read about.  I believe she was sexually abused as a child and her marriage to my father was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.  She's been divorced for almost 20 years.  She is a heavy marijuana smoker and is taking anti anxiety medication.  Her moods are all over the place and she often blames others for her problems, she also guilts her children into helping her.  She doesn't work and her boyfriend (who she lives with) wants her out of the house. As I'm living abroad, it's very difficult to help her.  My brother is also abroad.  My sister does live in the same town but she's fed up with the situation.  All of my mother's relationships are rocky, we have also had our ups and downs but the physical distance has helped a lot.  I'd like her to seek professional help, I'm very worried about her.

I would love some of your advice and tips.

Thanks in advance for reading.

[Kwamina]

Hi paris1980

Welcome to bpdfamily  BPD can be a quite difficult disorder to deal with. I understand your worry about your mother. It's never pleasant to see someone who you love suffering like this.

There are people with BPD though who through hard work have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts, emotions and behaviors. For this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges that there's something wrong with their behavior and fully commits to working on these issues. When you look at your mother, would you say that she in any way has ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with the way she behaves?

You mention your mother being a heavy marijuana smoker and taking anti anxiety medication. Has this affected her BPD behaviors?

[paris1980]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your post.  I'm happy to have found this site.

I don't think she knows that something is wrong with her behavior, I believe she is in denial, but its hard to say the last time I saw her in person was last year.  we speak about once a month on the phone and she is always reliving the past and complaining a lot, although she does eat healthy and practices yoga on a regular basis.

I do think the marijuana has  a negative effect, I believe it increases her paranoia. For the anti anxiety meds, I'm not sure they help. I don't know why her doctor prescribed them to her.

My brother is also very worried about her and he saw her recently.  We'd like her to see someone to talk to and maybe get her out of the town and move closer to us.  How can one bring up such a topic?

Thanks again for your post.

[Kwamina]

Hi again paris1980

We'd like her to see someone to talk to and maybe get her out of the town and move closer to us.  How can one bring up such a topic?

This is a good question that many of us have asked ourselves. The only answer that I have is that it's often quite a difficult thing to do. The general consensus on these boards seems to be that telling someone straight out that they might have BPD or some other disorder, will likely only backfire and cause more drama. Especially if the person doesn't acknowledge that there is something wrong with his/her behavior in the first place or is in denial about it. There however are communication skills that can possibly help you better communicate with your mother such as validation and things you can do yourself to end the cycle of conflict:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

There are also techniques specifically developed for communications with a person with BPD that could possibly help you get through to your mother. One of them is called S.E.T. which stands for Support Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. minimizes the chance of further escalation while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. We have a workshop about S.E.T. that you can find here:

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

No matter what you decide to do though, I would advice you to be very mindful of your own emotional and mental well-being. You specifically mention having had ups and downs but that the physical distance has helped a lot. You are also thinking about asking her to move closer which would probably mean that you would have more interactions with her. Do you feel ready for that? When it comes to dealing with people who have BPD, boundaries are very important to help you protect your own well-being. Is setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother something you feel comfortable with doing?

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi paris1980, parts of your story certainly resonated with me. For me, one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with a very similar situation is acceptance that the BPD (or suspected BPD) mother may not receive professional help. I am the only immediate family member who truly believes there is an issue there and it is very much an uphill battle. So, I've decided to take care of my own needs (I also live geographically quite far away from my mother).

However, if there are others who may be willing to work with you -- I also have a close friend dealing with a similar situation and the 3 of them were able to "intervene" in a sense and get the mother some professional help. How supportive are your immediate family members?

Glad you found us here.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi paris1980

I am sorry to hear of the struggles you are having with your mother.

It is difficult to deal with, especially from a remote situation.

Kwamina has offered some really good links and advice there which I hope will benefit you.

One thing I would add is that you mentioned about your mother using guilt as a way of getting her children to do things. this certainly isn't a healthy way to relate to people but it can be very powerful coming from one's mother. We usually have a sense of obligation to do our best to help them.

Unfortunately, as a r.ship dynamic it is not always the thing we want to do.

Normal guilt signals us that our behaviour is not in line with our values. Unhealthy guilt is more than that - it is a manipulation in order for someone to get what they want at the expense of our own boundaries.

I would suggest very carefully thinking through what it is you actually feel you are obligated to do.

As was mentioned, we all have this A-ha! moment and want to rush over and say "Hey! Ma! I think I found out what's wrong with you! You have all the symptoms of this personality disorder!" Quite a natural feeling to want to do that, but just imagine if it happened to you! Particularly if you didn't think there was anything wrong with you!

Me I rushed in and told my mother and still regret it. Better to take your time and wait for cues that she thinks there's something amiss rather than be the one to drop a bombshell on someone who may well react  badly to that kind of thing!

There is an article on the site regarding FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt. It may well be worth your having a look over it to help you define what you really want to do and what you are honestly obliged to do for your mother.

The link is https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

best of luck

Ziggiddy

[paris1980]

Hello everybody,

Several months have passed since I've posted but things have gotten really bad and I'm feeling hopeless and could really use some advice

Things with my mother are getting worse and worse, this week she was arrested for assaulting the guy she lives with (kind of a BF but not really) and as usual she is the victim and makes no sense.  He didn't press charges and she is back at his house.

She continues to say horrible things about my dad, sister and brother and at the same time asks for help from all of us.  She is constantly telling me that I'm the only child she is close to.  I've been in touch with her brother and cousin who have agreed to let her come and stay with them but she has other plans, she has no money, no job and has burned a lot of bridges, however she feels she is entitled to travel and calls herself a diva and a princess.  She often cries on the phone and makes me feel sorry for her past.

I know its not healthy but I can't help but feel as though I owe it to her to be here for her.  I had managed to limit contact but with her with her continued deterioration, I've started calling her more.

Any advice would be appreciated, my SO just thinks I should keep calling her and trying to convince her to see family.  She's in North America, I'm in Europe and her family is in Africa. 

My dad (her ex husband) was willing to help her book a trip to come and see me and then go to Africa, but she is so out of control, abusive and incoherent that he doesn't want to deal or help in any way.

Please help.

[Kwamina]

Hi paris1980

Welcome back here, sorry to hear you are feeling this way though.

The situation with your mother sounds quite unpleasant, not easy to hear that one's own mother is getting arrested.

Since you are currently in contact with your mother I encourage you to take a look at the communication techniques I mentioned in my previous post.

I know its not healthy but I can't help but feel as though I owe it to her to be here for her.  I had managed to limit contact but with her with her continued deterioration, I've started calling her more.

Whether it's healthy or not, you feel the way you feel and that I think is most important here. In spite of everything, she's still your mother so I think it's natural these events would trigger strong emotions in you.

I suggest you also take a look at another article we have on here about fear, obligation and guilt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Based on your post it sounds like your mother might also use fear, obligation and/or guilt to get away with things or get people to do what she wants. Would you say this is an accurate assessment? You can read more about this subject here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

No matter how you move forward, I do think it will be important for you to have strong boundaries when it comes to your mother. Do you feel like setting and defending/enforcing boundaries is something you are comfortable with doing with regard to your mother? If you want to read more about boundaries, I suggest you take a look at this article:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Take care