Question about pwBPD helping themselves

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, This is only my 2nd post. My exBPD and I have been separated for 5 weeks after a 3 year R. Although I have read a lot about BPD I still have one question.

My exBPD was diagnosed with this disorder many years before I knew her. She would not talk to me about it and only admitted she had BPD when our couples therapist finally got her to say so - one time. She then retracted it to me when we were alone... .said she only has one or 2 characteristics, which is not true by a long shot. Her family members all know she is BPD and one even talked to me about it.

So, my question is -  why most people who know they have BPD won't seek and stay in treatment so they can maintain a healthy life and/or relationships. They seem so distraught going in and out of relationships with all of the chaos ect...

Is it denial? Worried that people will find out they have a mental illness? Getting treatment seems like it would be incredibly beneficial and improve their life so much. I know that the thought process can flip from rational to irrational, but during the rational times... ?

Any thoughts or information would be appreciated.

[trilen]

Hi, This is only my 2nd post. My exBPD and I have been separated for 5 weeks after a 3 year R. Although I have read a lot about BPD I still have one question.

My exBPD was diagnosed with this disorder many years before I knew her. She would not talk to me about it and only admitted she had BPD when our couples therapist finally got her to say so - one time. She then retracted it to me when we were alone... .said she only has one or 2 characteristics, which is not true by a long shot. Her family members all know she is BPD and one even talked to me about it.

So, my question is -  why most people who know they have BPD won't seek and stay in treatment so they can maintain a healthy life and/or relationships. They seem so distraught going in and out of relationships with all of the chaos ect...

Is it denial? Worried that people will find out they have a mental illness? Getting treatment seems like it would be incredibly beneficial and improve their life so much. I know that the thought process can flip from rational to irrational, but during the rational times... ?

Any thoughts or information would be appreciated.

[Mutt]

My exBPD was diagnosed with this disorder many years before I knew her. She would not talk to me about it and only admitted she had BPD when our couples therapist finally got her to say so - one time. She then retracted it to me when we were alone... .said she only has one or 2 characteristics, which is not true by a long shot.

Hi trilen,



I think mental illness in general is often misunderstood. BPD is stigmatized, people often think that borderlines are difficult and manipulative.

Do you think that she may feel ashamed or that she may think people may reject her because she is diagnosed BPD?

From what I gather from your post, it sounds like she had a difficult time talking about it.

[trilen]

 She got really angry at me for bringing it up to her even though I approached her in a calm, loving manner. We were not fighting and were not having any issues at all that day.

Maybe she has convinced herself that she really doesn't have BPD even though she was diagnosed.

I'm not sure why most won't just get help. I have read stories from BPD's that are quite open about it, got help and are living a functional, happy life... .

[enlighten me]

Hi Trilen

I think part of the reason for this is because it is what she is used to so may not even see her behaviour as abnormal or wrong. If I was to tell you that you were co dependant would you see it? Im not saying that you are just trying to get you to see it from a different perspective.

If you read up on BPD you will be overwhelmed by the amount of negativity that is portrayed. It is compacted information by which I mean it can be years of behaviour compacted down into a summary. By looking at the summary your SO may not see that she fits it as everything that she did that relates was so spread out that it wasn't applicable as everyone does it now and again. Also I noticed with my ex wife that she has blocked out some of the things she did. I don't know if this is something to do with supressing memories or whether she really doesn't have access to them anymore.

Then as Mutt pointed out there could be shame involved. Would you want to admit that you had BPD especially as there is such a stigma attached to it?

[Darsha500]

Hey trilen,

I had a sort of revelation about this recently. I'm in recovery, and as many in recovery will attest, addicts tend to be very resistant to admitting they have a problem. Even if they do admit it, in fact, they still may not seek help. This was definitely the case for me.

I think a big part of it comes down to accepting responsibility for self. For example, an existential neurosis is defined as a neurosis resulting from a failure to take responsibility for ones life. Something like that.

But why is there such apprehension towards this responsibility. Well, I'd say because taking responsility for ourselves meaning facing life squarely, facing the consequences of our choices, surrendering to existential givens, accepting that pain is unavoidable and must be embraced if we are to be fufuilled.

I think that this responsibility can be seen largely as a burden if you feel your weak and powerless. If you feel you are incapable of bringing about positive outcomes in your life.

We as humans experience anxieity in the face of the unknown. Treatment and recovery has meant, for me, "sailing my ship into uncharted waters." That is, I had to recognize that the way I was living was unfufilling and take a leap of faith into recovery. This was very anxiety provoking and uncomfortable. I had to face things about myself that I kept hidden, I had to greet my shame and all my negative belief about the word. It was a difficult process that requires allot of honesty and willingness.

Many people never come to this point of departure, instead they wait on the docks. They prefer to wallow in their pain because it is familiar. This familiarity has a comforting effect.

In every human there is a push towards expansion, and a fear of losing ones status who. It is a matter of clinging, and an refusal to accept that change is unavoidable.

These are my thoughts. And I think they play into why people with BPD tend to avoid treatment and all that it entiLs. It takes a lot of courage. Yet the BPD feels enfeebled. There coping mechanisms so engrained. This causes them to lack in insight. And insight is so crucial to recovery.

[Gonzalo]

I think part of the reason for this is because it is what she is used to so may not even see her behaviour as abnormal or wrong.

My ex- definitely believed this. She felt that an argument that kept you up most of the night with hours of shouting followed by days of silent seething punctuated with more shouting was a completely normal way to function in a relationship. She felt that me expecting her to contribute to the household income was very unusual, and that I should have explicitly told her that early on instead of 'passive aggressively' expecting that she would actually get a new job after her contract wore out. She had a story that she regarded as an amusing anecdote that should have been a red flag, where she raged at a roommate for dissing some food that didn't come out well while her SO and other roommate fled the area.

Also I noticed with my ex wife that she has blocked out some of the things she did. I don't know if this is something to do with supressing memories or whether she really doesn't have access to them anymore.

From what I've read, this ties in with the 'feelings create facts' phenomenon and projection common in BPD. I think they genuinely don't believe that they flew off the handle because of you eating a sandwich - in their head, they were really upset at you, so obviously you did something bad, and the shouting was definitely something mutual because at some point you raised your voice. When every incident passes through that filter, it's not surprising that they don't remember the bad stuff.