Anxiety is unbearable Can't stop thinking about her

[AnnaBlue917]

I really need some support here. I am only a week in and I have rode by her apartment twice in one day! I texted her to ask if she was ok. I feel like I can't stop myself. The weird thing is when I have drove by her place my stomach instantly gets upset. I am paying attention to my body and the things that are taking place inside of me. Believe me it's NOT GOOD!

On one hand I feel so bad for her, on the other I FEEL LIKE TOTAL ___ FOR MYSELF!

I feel so bad for her because I know some of her history or at the least I think I know it. Perhaps it would be more TRUTHFUL to say that I THINK I know it. She has NO FRIENDS, NONE and as far as FAMILY is concerned, she says that she had to cut OFF all contact with her family because they were sabotaging all of her relationships, they were degrading her, they were telling lies about her and they were setting her up in the sight of other people to look really bad when she wasn't a bad person at all. She stated that the ENTIRE COMMUNITY where she lived knew her or about her and she couldn't even walk down the street without them pointing to her and talking about her. She said that people came up to her on the street and she didn't even know them but somehow they knew her and would say stuff to her about her past. Everybody she knew was HELL BENT on DESTROYING HER LIFE! EVERYONE and NO ONE came to her RESCUE when she was a little girl to save her from her family. Just about everyone in that community molested her and did some form of sexual act to her and she hated them all.

She said, She came from a family of incest, sexually abused by her father, uncle and brother and her mother did nothing. This went on from the time she was 4 until she started her period. Her mother neglected her, she wasn't permitted to play with other children, at 14 she started cutting herself and was anorexic. She ended up in a institution where she remained under the custody of the state for awhile. By this time she claimed the sexual abuse had stopped. She stayed there for a total of 9 months and then went back for 3 more months after being discharged the first time within a month.

I reviewed some of her medical records at the least the ones she would let me see. It was clear that she was in PAIN. I couldn't understand how the physicians missed what had happened to her. She was painfully shy, withdrawn, little to no eye-contact. She was fixated on a gym teacher (female) that showed her the littlest amount of attention. She became so fixated on this gym teacher that the teacher had to relocate to another school.

Several weeks ago she shared a photo of this gym teacher that she had been holding onto all these years. She met the gym teacher in her freshman year in highschool. She is now 34. She says, I think she is the only person I have ever truly loved. I asked her, what was it about her that you loved? She said just the way she would care about me, ask me how I am feeling and touch my hand gently and talk with me. She was the only one who cared about me when i was younger. I sat back and thought then, You've gotta be kidding me! I dare say anything because when she would get like this she was more apt to talk about her past.

She concluded before shutting the computer down, SO now you know that I have loved in my life before and I know how it feels and I know that what was between me and that teacher was real. What she didn't know was I read through some of the medical records and it stated that She stalked this teacher, writing her and calling her daily even while in the hospital. The teacher requested from the facility for them to not allow her to call anymore.  She told me several days later that she was pissed off at that teacher because if she didn't mean it why did she come on to her and act like she was there for her and was going to help her? I just sat there with no reply and listened as she ranted and raved about this teacher. Then she ended it with . It was my family. They told her something negative about me to turn her against me. They never wanted anyone to love me or like me so they got to her, just like they did everyone that came into my life. Then she looked at me and said, PROMISE ME, PROMISE ME you will NEVER, EVER CONTACT MY FAMILY?  I replied, I PROMISE!

What the HELL is WRONG with ME! I am a rational person. CLEARLY this woman is SICK! Who runs from one state to another to leave behind their family? Not only that, she left her current state before moving to the state where I reside. Her total communication and interaction is done on a computer screen, text, email period.

For awhile I was permitted to come over anytime and didn't have to call. Now I am no longer permitted to come at all. SHE can't BE my FRIEND right now because I HURT HER TOO MUCH because I reached out to someone that she was befriending and I was told NOT TO BE FRIENDS with anyone that she was friends with. I was accused of SABATOGING the potential of this new friendship just like her family did.

I FEEL LIKE ___ because WHY the HELL DO I WANT THIS KIND OF PERSON IN MY LIFE TO BEGIN WITH? Why would I subjugate myself to such a person? What the HELL was I THINKING? I am a intelligent woman no crazier than the average Jane but DAMMIT how did I end up here?  WHY DO I MISS HER IN MY LIFE TODAY? I can't SLEEP, I barely eat and the tears won't stop flowing! I'm SO SICK TO MY STOMACH, the ANXIETY that I FEEL is UNBEARABLE!

[OnceConfused]

YOu have asked good questions here about yourself. Only you can dig deep and find the answers as to why.

If the anxiety remains strong, I suggest you see a therapist who can work with you to uncover some of the answers for  you.

I am concerned that you are obsessed with this woman to the point of being totally co-dependent to her to affirm your being. I sensed that through your choice of words here:

1. you said: promise to her demand that you never, ever contact YOUR FAMILY. That is a very strong statement from your part to say essentially ,"I will give up my own family for you".  My mom who is 95 now, always taught me - blood is thicker than water. That was why once I sensed that the xBPDgf tried to isolate me from my children, I began the exit strategy.

2. You is aware that she stalked her old teacher to the point that the teacher had to change school. Be compassionate about this teacher whose life was turned upside down for just being a teacher. Would you want to associate with someone who stalks and intimidates others?

You have asked yourself here some very good questions. Now  you need to stay NC for awhile and fight the thought of being with her. The NC will allow your mind to quiet down.  I am afraid that NC is the only way. There is no silver bullet in solving your anxiety.

some one said it well, to stop smoking you have to not touch a cigarette one moment at a time.

[AnnaBlue917]

@Confused,

She made ME PROMISE not to CONTACT her FAMILY!. This was told to me over and over again when we first met, when we started dating and the whole duration of our being together. She stated that they sabotaged ALL of her RELATIONSHIPS. Looking over it I think she was just afraid of what I might find out about her. I promised her I would not contact HER family. I haven't and honestly I wouldn't know how to with the exception of looking them up and I am not about to do that. They live in a totally different state. Besides I am close with my family and I do have great family support. I do not want to bring them in on what has happened between her and I so as far as they know we remain friends.

I know that I have co-dependent issues here otherwise you are right I wouldn't be obsessed with her. Although I do think that the word OBSESSED is a STRONG word. I'm thinking more on the lines of MISSING HER. I went from spending almost everyday with a person for 2.5 years to 0 and it is not always easy to just create a whole new normal when they were apart of that normal as crazy as it sounds.

I know that NC is more beneficial to my healing and getting stronger. Somehow many of us know what we know but it doesn't preclude us from doing the opposite or at the least wanting too.

This PAIN SUCKS!

I AM CURRENTLY in THERAPY, so I plan on asking for something when I go to my therapist next week.

[OnceConfused]

sorry, I misunderstood the thing about her family. I thought it was about yours.

Going from 10 to 0 after 2.5 yrs is hard to deal with. SO much emotion involved.  I am glad that you are seeing a T who can help you sort things out. I did see a T after 6 weeks with XBPDGF, and the T really helped me see the untenable future with BPD. I wish you success with the T.

Good luck with it all

[Lou12]

Anna it sounds like you really need to take a step back from this person. It sound like you are becoming like her.  Your not going to be any help to your sick friend if you become sick yourself. Help you first and that will allow you a more rational perspective on your friends situation.

Take care

[pallavirajsinghani]

There is nothing wrong with you as a person.  You are going through extreme anxiety.  She has got you believing that only you in this whole wide world can save her.

1) It seems to me that there are two aspects to your current state of mind.  First is what I call, "Misplaced Altruism".  Lack of altruism is a part of the clinical definition of insanity.  Given that, you are a moral person.  For you feel like that about her.  Any normal human beings reacts in a caring and protective manner to an injured being in pain.  So it is your own morality and altruism that is being reflecting in your interaction/relationship with her. So I commend you for feeling this way.

2)  Now the other aspect is that you do not know your own limitations.  You are not a trained clinician.  Your relationship with her is not clinical--that of a patient/client.  You just do not know how to cure her or ease her pain.  You do not have the necessary skills to do so.  If love and patience and understanding and good wishes could cure mental illness, then probably there would not be mental illness at all.  You could not ease her pain even if you laid down your life... .and that is sad but true.  

3)  Your altruism is a commendable trait... .do not lose it... .learn how to use it in an effective and appropriate manner... .be a good citizen of the world, volunteer, be a mentor, join a big brother organization, race to raise funds for various causes... .there are million ways to be altruistic... .unfortunately the one you have selected is not the effective one.

Sometimes we can make more effective attempts to save humanity at large than a specific human being... .and it is not because of lack of trying or because we lack compassion... .it is simply because we do not have the clinical skills to do so.  We are not psychiatrists, nor psychologists... .

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Now I have an important question you should ask yourself:  "Is it fair for me to suffer for the pain that I did not cause?"  The question is very important.

You will see frequently mentioned on this site are "the 3 "C"'s"  These are kernels of wisdom to remember. I won't tell you what they are because I'd recommend you to seek them out.  You have overcome the hardest step already, and that is reaching out for answers.  With us you are now in a supportive understanding environment... .we are sometimes squabbling, sometimes sweet, sometimes savory... .but at all times committed to each other's welfare.  You are among a community of well wishers... .and quite knowledgeable at that... .

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I would like to welcome you and encourage you to stay with us.  You are in a safe place, to ask questions, to cry, to be candid.

If you can afford it, please seek personal counseling.  The reason is that once you can control your anxiety, you can control your choices and actions.  When a person's anxiety is sky high, the actions and thought patterns behind those actions are not deliberate choices, but rather like a delicate boat in a stormy ocean without a compass, food or even a life vest.  Think of a counselor as a compass, a navigator... .who can help you understand and control the negative effect of this relationship.

Whether you stay in the relationship or leave is a personal choice and we as board members will always be respectful of your choices... .the irony is that at this time, you are NOT making choices... .the extreme state of mind that you are in is making those choices.

So, the first order of the business is to get your anxiety level down.

Along with a counselor, giving time to yourself, seeking out supportive friends, being here on this site with us, family members... .going to the gym, taking very good care of yourself... .all these will help.

Afterall, in a plane, you are always told to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child... .if you cannot save yourself, you cannot save another... .

So when you preserve your sanity... .perhaps you can better guide another person too... .

Hope I have been helpful.

God Bless... .

[AnnaBlue917]

Pallavirajsinghani wrote... .3)  Your altruism is a commendable trait... .do not lose it... .learn how to use it in an effective and appropriate manner... .be a good citizen of the world, volunteer, be a mentor, join a big brother organization, race to raise funds for various causes... .there are million ways to be altruistic... .unfortunately the one you have selected is not the effective one.

Sometimes we can make more effective attempts to save humanity at large than a specific human being... .and it is not because of lack of trying or because we lack compassion... .it is simply because we do not have the clinical skills to do so.  We are not psychiatrists, nor psychologists... .

THANK YOU for the support. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT!

You are right about my volunteering and using my energy and efforts for a more effective cause! I have been keeping busy as best I can and I already am volunteering with the children we work with in foster care.

Because of my background I see now how I have been playing therapist with this woman with no real CLINICAL PROFESSIONAL SKILLS! In other words, I am NOT A PSYCHIATRIST or PSYCHOLOGIST! Sometimes I think like one but I AM NOT ONE therefore I AM NOT QUALIFIED to treat anyone!

I KNOW the 3 C's that you speak of and believe me they were completely one sided in the relationship between her and I which is why I was always STARVING to be HEARD and trying to get her to validate my FEELINGS to NO AVAIL!

I FULLY UNDERSTAND that the LACK of COMMUNICATION in the RELATIONSHIP kept bringing us back to the same ISSUES over and over again. SHE STRUGGLED TREMENDOUSLY with communication, understanding my view and she consistently SHUT DOWN or WENT OFF ON ME TELLING ME IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HER!

I FULLY GET THAT SHE COULD NEVER EVER BE COMMITTED TO ME FOR SHE WAS NOT EVEN COMMITTED TO HERSELF! SHE WOULD NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP OF HER ILLNESS NOR WOULD SHE SEEK THE TYPE OF TREATMENT THAT IS REQUIRED IN ORDER FOR HER TO BECOME BETTER. I BELIEVE SHE WAS MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH HER PAIN FROM HER PAST. TO TAKE THAT AWAY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS WOULD LEAVE WHAT?

FORGET ABOUT COMPROMISE! SHE never could! I was ALWAYS THE ONE APOLOGIZING FOR THINGS SHE DID! I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO WAS WRONG AND SHE COULD NEVER SEE HERSELF AS BEING A PART OF ANY WRONG DOING. SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE HURTING IN THE RELATIONSHIP, FORGET ABOUT MY FEELINGS THEY SIMPLY DIDN"T MATTER ONLY HERS DID! THEREFORE COMPROMISE WENT STRAIGHT OUT THE DOOR, IN FACT IT NEVER EVEN ENTERED THE BUILDING!

TO answer your question, "is it fair for me to suffer for the pain that I did not cause?"

ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even though I have been.

We are NOT TOGETHER and I am TRYING as BEST I can to just MOVE ON!

For me things have to make sense. If they do then it provides closure or at the least gives me a guide as to what my next step should be. This is one of the those times that NOTHING MAKES SENSE! I just have to find a way to LIVE with it and try and MOVE on with my SANITY in TACT!

On one HAND I AM RELIEVED on the other I"M SCARED, I'M HURT, I'M CONFUSED, I'M ANGRY, I'M STUCK and I just don't want to BE HERE inside of these same FEELINGS that I know that IF I ALLOW myself to EXPERIENCE will get better over time!