struggling

[butterfly111]

Hi I was in a on and off relationship over ten years with a undiagnosed male BPD/npd. unfortunately I am of the nature of being a rescuer say a miss fixit in my relationships, I myself struggle with depression dependant with whats going on in my life, I was diagnosed with this before I met my ex BPD. I have been to hell and back with my ex, cheating, raging, threats, gas lighting, projection, shaming, blaming everything was my fault, bending more than backwards, yes I would change my number after he would abuse me but I always came back and gave him another chance over and over. this year I moved further away from him while we were broken up I iniated contact and we got back together, my living situation was the best but it was the best I was able to provide for my son and myself. We were living in cabins and I was finding it hard to get a rental property, I was also handling my sons mental health issues, depression and anxiety and had the dept of education on my back as my son wasn't attending school at the time, with all these stressors my depression lapsed badly and I shutdown from the world, I was just going to work doing what I had to for my son and going to bed, I didn't tell my uBPD I was struggling and I always came up with some excuse to not see him, he was getting frustrated with me, I understand a bit about BPD, now in hindsite he would've felt I was abandoning him but I wasn't at all I was just unwell, on the evening of the 1st august I received a text message from him

" james bay let it go"

listen to it... .

drink

rope

thoughts

cause my head was so foggy I didn't get the message I replied "there is no reference to drink, rope, thoughts in the song" he started to agitated by text message, the last one was,

"the longer you don't see me or give me my belongings back, the more hate I get and something bad will happen and I will never want to be with you ever again" as soon as I read that he rang me and I could tell he was triggered by his voice, he projected all this crap onto me, accusing me that I had cheated, that he has had me followed in the past, that he was going to make the rest of my life miserable I will be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, that he had mates that owed him favours, and that he was going to slash me and my sons throat, it would be worth sitting in a prison cell knowing I was dead" he ended by saying don't you get it, it f****g over I f****g hate you I hate you and hung up on me... .I sat there in shock for quite some time, I went to the police a nervous wreck still in shock. he was arrested and charged with using a carrier service to intimidate, threaten and harass and a police a.v.o was put in place. At court two weeks later he told the police commissioner that he was a good person, he had a job, he had never abused me ever in the whole ten years and he couldn't remember threatening me, the magistrate fined him and put the police a.v.o in place for 12 months. The part that aggravates me the most is here I am a shell of what I was, contending with depression, getting flashbacks of when he has raged at me and there he is on dating websites looking for woman, happy as larry, probably has slept with a couple of people to make himself feel better without a care in the world and I am an absolute mess... .how do I get over this ? 

[butterfly111]

is there anyone that can help me on here or not?

[enlighten me]

Hi butterfly

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. How are you doing today?

I can understand and sympathise with how you are feeling at the moment.

I am here for you to talk and answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability.

EM

[butterfly111]

oh thank you so much. I am experiencing flashback backs at times when he raged at me going right back to ten years ago its like I had forgotten them but the flash gates have opened, sometimes it is so overwhelming. . is this normal ? also is it normal for them to just instantly move on? would he have any remorse at all for his last threat that ultimately broke us up?

[enlighten me]

Hi butterfly

The flashbacks could be linked to PTSD. It seems very common in these type of relationships and I myself believed I had it for a time. Maybe a quick google search on PTSD would help you understand more about it. My personal recommendation is to speak to a professional about it. PTSD can be very debilitating. I have a number of friends who suffer from it and it took a terrible toll on them before seeking help.

It is very common for them to just move on as if nothing happened. A lot have already lined up a replacement before the relationship has finished. It is sad. It makes us feel worthless but in my opinion there is more to it than them being heartless. I believe they need the distraction so they don't have to think about us. This could be why they recycle as when things start going wrong with the replacement they end up thinking of us. If we were truly as bad as they make out why would they resume contact? Why would they stalk? Why would they continue to vilify us? If we meant that little to them then why do they still think of us?

BPD is an attachment disorder. This is why they push us away and pull us back. They feel abandoned and engulfed at the same time.

As sad as it was for me I knew I had to end things with my exgf and move on with my life because we could never work out. You may have heard of radical acceptance. In short it just means you just accept things for how they are and move on. One of my friends demonstrated this to me with his ex wife. She had a lot of BPD traits and when they split up I asked him "don't you want to know why it didn't work out"? His reply was "No. She's just crazy and that's all there is to it". At the time I didn't get it. I always want answers and in a way his response seemed callous. I now realise that he just accepted the fact that they could never work out and he couldn't deal with her issues. He has now re married and is blissfully happy.

[butterfly111]

yes that's what I feel like, like im worthless and nothing, like the last ten years was nothing to him, I was used to make him feel better. he is currently on online dating websites looking for his next one this on its own makes me feel like I was nothing. oh gez so you are saying they sometimes come back even after treating you like crap, painting you black and giving you the silent treatment they expect you to take them back for more?

[enlighten me]

Just because you feel that you meant nothing to them doesn't mean its the case. My exgf spoke fondly of all her exs even the one that beat and raped her. They do have feelings for us and we meant a lot to them. It is said the blacker they paint us the more we meant to them.

A recycle can only happen if you want it to. Sometimes they feel too guilty to reach out and you never hear from them again.

EM

[butterfly111]

my exBPDbf is making out I am a crazy woman to all his friends and family. I am painted very black, I don't think my ex has the capabilities to feel guilty he is npd as well

[enlighten me]

If you didnt matter you wouldnt cross their mind.

[Sadly]

Hi Butterfly

If you didnt matter you wouldnt cross their mind.

Please take that onboard, however hard it is.

You/we did matter, they loved us, I truly believe it. Only when they realised we were not perfect did it go wrong for them and how unrealistic is that honey? You seem to be blaming yourself, your depression and issues so much, please don't. Their love is flawed of course but it doesn't mean they didnt feel it. A love from someone without a strong personality disorder would be the kind that would want to help you with your problems as much as you want to help them. Love is a two way gift, they can't not wont but can't do it however you must try to believe that you were loved and cared for as much as they could do. I really don't know if that has helped, your struggles and unhappiness tug at my heart strings. You sound so alone, are you? do you have friends to help you. The other thing is you say is I was just going to work doing what I had to for my son and going to bed you say it as if it was nothing, it's huge love, when you are going through what you are and yet can carry on caring and looking after your son. Be very proud of that. If I could breathe strength into words I would blow up a storm for you today, I promise you. be strong sweetheart, go hug your boy and be proud of yourself.  

[butterfly111]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I am on my own with my boy, no friends. My exBPDbf liked it that way I did have a couple of friends at the start but they left as time went by. He isolated me. I don't have much contact with my parents, my mum is NPD so keepingy distance I do by choice. I moved away from what was home to make a new home life for me and my boy. My exBPDbf was going to move in with us. It mind dealing how from how much he said he loved me wanting to be in my life forever to been chewd up and spat out just totally forgotten about, yes I put an a.v.o on him but that was after that night he threatened to kill me and my son, I'm afraid I'm scared for life.

[lovenature]

Hi Butterfly   I can relate to you feeling like a shell of who you were, I feel like I am a broken down empty shell of the person I was in grade school (I am 38 now). Know that the dynamic of the relationship is what has caused this, stayed for so long because of the victim/rescuer co-dependency, trying to make sense of the craziness; it is common to loose touch with reality and loose yourself (we are wired differently than a pwBPD).

Think of who you were and how you felt about life before your BPD relationship. Accept the pain and don't try and bury your feelings; they will haunt you in the future. One day at a time, sometimes looking forward to the little things has helped me.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi there butterfly, I'm so glad you found us.

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time.   You've been through the absolute wringer!

You were already dealing with a lot - your son's mental health issues, the school system, and your worsening depression. To then have your boyfriend say such cruel things to you and end the relationship is emotionally devastating.

I completely understand the feelings of worthlessness. My exBPDbf abandoned me while I was in a depressive state, and I felt worthless, too. Like I didn't matter at all. And as if somehow, by not mattering to him, that meant I didn't matter, period.

Later, I understood that none of this was the case.

I'm sure that you mattered to him - but much more importantly, you matter in this world. You have worth and value. It may not feel like it now, and that's ok. You've been wounded deeply, and recovery doesn't happen overnight. lovenature has given you some wise advice -

Think of who you were and how you felt about life before your BPD relationship. Accept the pain and don't try and bury your feelings; they will haunt you in the future. One day at a time, sometimes looking forward to the little things has helped me.

You mentioned that your mother has NPD. You may also want to visit the [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw boards here.

Welcome to the family, butterfly. We'll all be here for you as you take this journey. 

[butterfly111]

it   is the weekend here and this is where I am at my worse alone all weekend, my mind cant help but wonder what he is doing and whom he is with, but guarantees it is with a girl of course, can someone just explain to me how and why they are able to move on so quickly ?

[enlighten me]

I think that it seems they move on so quickly for a couple of reasons.

Firstly they decided before the relationship was over that it was over. While we think things are ok they are already detatching. They may mourn the loss of the relationship while still in it.

The other reason could be survival. Distraction is a good way of getting over this. Rebound relationships are very common among nons.

[balletomane]

I think that it seems they move on so quickly for a couple of reasons.

Firstly they decided before the relationship was over that it was over. While we think things are ok they are already detatching. They may mourn the loss of the relationship while still in it.

The other reason could be survival. Distraction is a good way of getting over this. Rebound relationships are very common among nons.

This is definitely true - when my ex told me about my replacement and I was reeling from the shock of the suddenness of it, he said, "Well, we broke up over a long period of time - we started breaking up a couple of months before the actual break-up." That was news to me, but looking back, it made sense: he has a tendency to make self-fulfilling prophecies about his relationships, and if there was one hiccup, he would see it as a sign of the beginning of the end. (I've known him since he was with his first girlfriend, so I saw how all his relationships played out.) I think this might be quite common for people with BPD, as perfectly ordinary things in a relationship will trigger strong memories of bad previous experiences and cause the person with BPD to feel as though it's inevitable. I made the mistake of thinking that if I were reassuring enough and supportive enough, I could help him get out of this cycle, but no - to get out of that cycle takes more than an understanding partner, it requires some insight and willingness to change on the part of the person with BPD, and without that it doesn't matter what you do.

However, if my ex had made physical threats I might not have had the same incentive to try and make it work. Butterfly, it sounds as though your ex is a very manipulative and poisonous person and right now I think your priority should be looking after yourself, not wondering why he is the way he is - you can't change him but you can take steps to stop hurting so much and to bring your life back on track. When my relationship ended, I felt shattered, like I didn't even recognise the person I'd become, but months later I am starting to see glimmers of her and I feel as though I'm going to be OK in the end. You have something much more frightening to recover from, but you will get there too. Are there any support groups for survivors of abusive relationships in your area? Sometimes it helps to talk with others face-to-face and to know that you're with a whole roomful of people who have been through a similar thing.

[butterfly111]

I see a counsellor for free through the victims of crime, I also have a 24/7 counselling line I can ring anytime through domestic violence support run by the government in the state I live in, in Australia.

I know I am dead to my exBPDbf it is hard to accept but I will get there in time.

I am surprised that a lot of nons get into rebound relationships, this has scared me off for a while, I need to heal before I  move on to someone else.

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

My bad. What I meant to say is that a a lot of people whether BPD or non get into rebound relationships. With the non I don't mean post breakup from a pwBPD I mean in general.

When it comes to a BPD relationship ending I don't think I have ever seen the non get into a rebound relationship.

[butterfly111]

ah ok, I surely understand us nons not wanting a relationship after a BPD experience, my counsellor was gobsmacked when I told her I was with mine for just over 10 years, told me I must be one patient woman. I have been told that I have stress disorder, the price you pay for love ! at the end of the day, I was used for ten years by my exBPDbf used to make him feel better and fill that void inside him that he will always carry

[butterfly111]

oh wholly bat hell... .my exBPDbf has sent me an email "call me"... .what the heck do I do? I thought I was dead and buried in his head !

[HappyNihilist]

  butterfly, I'm so sorry, I know that's confusing and triggering.

Take some deep breaths, try to center yourself.

You don't have to address this right now. You don't have to decide what to do immediately.

Let yourself calm down first. His email will still be there.

What sort of thoughts are going through your head right now? Feel free to get them out here, if you think it will help, so you can step back and look at them later when you're centered.

You'll be able to make better decisions once you're back to an emotional baseline. For now, don't worry about the answer. Just take care of yourself. 

[butterfly111]

i don't know what  I feel at the moment anger, hurt but then I just want to grab the phone and ring him and tell him what hell I have been through since he threatened to kill me, this is extremely triggering for me, what am I to him? really, a piece of putty? but then he still owns my heart, ten years is a long time and the longest time I have ever been with someone... .I just don't know, I have to sit on it for a bit, I am sure he has a female entertaining him now, its sunday here now, he would be playing it safe holding onto her and testing the waters with me... .I think I just gotta think  :'( :'( :'( :'(

[HappyNihilist]

I just want to grab the phone and ring him and tell him what hell I have been through

Why don't you write out what you want to say, either here or privately? Or pretend he's in the room or on the phone with you and just vent, rant, let him have it.

Get those feelings out. You have been through hell, and you haven't felt like you had a voice. These thoughts have been building for a while. Go ahead and get them out.

It's completely natural to be triggered.   That's our self's way of telling us that we have emotions to work through before we can respond rationally.

The best way to start working through those built-up feelings and thoughts, those triggered emotions, is to identify and accept them and sit with them. Let them be what they are without judgment, and without feeling rushed to make a decision or take an action.

Give yourself the time and space to process.

[lovenature]

I am sure he has a female entertaining him now, its sunday here now, he would be playing it safe holding onto her and testing the waters with me... .I think I just gotta think  :'( :'( :'( :'(

Have you ever been able to have the level of trust you would like in your relationship? What is most important for you in a relationship?

Threatening to kill you and your son. Just seeing if you are available. Triangulating you with another woman. It sounds like you know what you should do when you are out of the fog and thinking clearly.

Think of you and your son; at the very least you deserve to be safe and not abused!

[butterfly111]

oh heck I rang him from a phone box, he cried straight away, he apologised for everything, I asked him if he realised how hurt I have been, he said he was remorseful the next day he tried to ring but my number was changed then the police turned up to arrest him, he said he has learnt, he is in debt with the court costs and solicitor fees from the charges, he said if he could take that night back and what he said he would, he is over pushing people that love him away. He understood me not wanting to be with him he just wanted to say goodbye the right way and thank you for putting up with him for ten years. So that's that, a end of a chapter. Sad, yes most surely are but I got the closer I have been searching for