What If I Wasn't The Trigger...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

That won't stop playing in my head! I'm 3 months out but I find myself obsessing over BPD. Like I could somehow cure it and he would be okay. Like a mad scientist trying to make frankenstein, except in this case de program him.


I can't help but think about when he wasn't triggered. How we would act and do the most normal and sweet things.


But if I didn't return a text in time It was suddenly the 7th dimension of hell. My fear is what if one day he figures out how to fix himself and I'm not there... .and a new person gets to experience. 


I know it's silly but the thoughts come in.

[Kelli Cornett]

That won't stop playing in my head! I'm 3 months out but I find myself obsessing over BPD. Like I could somehow cure it and he would be okay. Like a mad scientist trying to make frankenstein, except in this case de program him.


I can't help but think about when he wasn't triggered. How we would act and do the most normal and sweet things.


But if I didn't return a text in time It was suddenly the 7th dimension of hell. My fear is what if one day he figures out how to fix himself and I'm not there... .and a new person gets to experience. 


I know it's silly but the thoughts come in.

[enlighten me]

Its sad but the disorder is as much a part of the person we loved as everything else.

Ive read a number of times that pwBPD have gone through therapy and recovered only to leave their partner as the person they became after therapy wasn't the same one that started it.

Whether its the guilt of what they put their partner through makes it painful to stay or that they have the strength to tackle life on their own and want to try it I don't know.

Theres also the fact that you might not like the person they become or have as much in common as you thought. Its hard to tell how much of the person was real and what was a mirror.

[fromheeltoheal]

Someone with a personality disorder figuring out how to fix themselves is unlikely, but if it did happen, doesn't it follow that other aspects of who he is would change as well, since a personality disorder happened when he was so young that it got hardwired into who he is?  And he would become someone you don't know or recognize?  But really, if it did happen, he would be happier, whomever he's with would be happier, and the world would be a little more peaceful, yes?  And from your perspective, what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if you were supposed to go through what you went through because there were lessons it was time to learn?  I know, hard to see it that way at this stage, but really, if you'd modified your behavior such that your actions wouldn't trigger him, would you be living authentically to who you are, to him or to yourself?  Is being with the version of him you liked worth sacrificing your authenticity for?

[LimboFL]

B&B, I think that it's important to understand that even therapy isn't THE solution. It takes years to begin with, the kind of commitment that very difficult to maintain. It is intended to guide and to offer coping tools to deal with the disorder that, it is my understanding, never simply goes away. Adhering to those guides and using all of those tools for the rest of ones life time is a very tall order, even for the best.

I have tremendous empathy for pwBPD or any other personality disorder that they didn't ask for nor deserved. I still love and miss my exBPDgf very much and if there had been a switch, I would have begged for it, but the reality is that there is no switch and even with therapy absolutely no guarantee that it will last.

You don't just wish away anxiety or disregulation. It's heart breaking for all but ultimately the question is what would have become of us if we did stick it out? How many years of additional sacrifice would we have had to make, where our own needs were cast aside? I was ready and gave it four years, under the same roof, but then she broke a boundary that I couldn't accept. How many boundaries could you have endured, because therapy takes years? Therapy for this disorder is essentially asking the patient to forget everything that they have learned, to that point, to completely change who they are. How hard does that sound, for even we who are not disordered?

You are going through what we all go through... .what if they get better after us. You will ready post after post and so far, sadly, I have yet to hear of a single example. The best we can do is to just stop thinking about the what if's, as desperately hard as that is to put into practice. I admit to being relieved when reading the posts of others who are close enough to know of the whereabouts of their ex's and 9 times out of 10, the current situation for the pwBPD is not good, which is especially true for those of us who deeply loved our partners and who cared enough to stick it out through often very difficult circumstances. They know that we loved them and unless they find someone with the same level of caring, love and empathy, their feelings of elation are short lived and most often end in being abandoned.

You are putting yourself through so much pain seeking answers that can never be answered. The fact is that it is very unlikely that your ex is doing well, right now or that they will ever get better. There are no "wake up one day and it's gone" situations.

Big hug. 

[Learning Fast]

To echo and amplify LimboFl's post consider this:  how hard would it be for nons to change or adjust their behavior patterns to mimic the behavior patterns of someone with BPD?  We've been hardwired with our specific behavior traits for decades.  It would take years of therapy to unwind those tendencies and adopt the behavior characteristics of someone afflicted with BPD.  The result would probably be limited success at best.

[Pretty Woman]

B&B,

  They are predictably unpredictable. Please know this... .

You would never be able to control what happens... .no matter how hard you tried.

My ex dumped me because I cancelled dinner plans. My best friend of 18yrs unfriended me because I came out as gay... .to be WITH my ex. I was very depressed and sad. I needed to process.

My ex took this as rejection, dumped me and ran off to Minnesota to be with the "love of her life" ex.

So I was sitting here, isolated and depressed. This was a hidden relationship because I am not "out" to everyone so I was a mess.

I can relate to you.  Mine came back and left two more times. I won't let her back in again.

I tried everything. I tried not to get to close nor be too distant. All that did was depress ME and ruin my world.

This is BEYOND you my friend. Try not to beat yourself up.

PW

[balletomane]

I know that I wasn't the only trigger behind my ex's irrational and abusive behaviour to me at the time of the breakup. He was unsettled by a move to a new city and starting at university with a ton of people he didn't know, after working in a relatively quiet job as a home tutor for a few years. He got frightened and when he's frightened he becomes paranoid. Nothing I said or did to reassure him at that time could have been right. He told me that two people in the students' laundry room had wished him dead. Startled, I questioned him further and found that they hadn't actually said anything to him, they'd just "looked at him" and he'd perceived their look to be malicious and wishing death on him. When I tried to suggest that this was not a logical way to respond to two people who had probably just happened to glance at him, he became distraught and angry - "You don't understand, you're too pretty to understand how people look at ugly people like me, the disgust in their faces, you're privileged." Events like this got more and more frequent and when I said he was being irrational he got even angrier. He wanted me to acknowledge not that he was suffering, but that he was right. When, in desperation, I did try agreeing with him (partly out of fear of what he was saying and doing) he insisted I didn't really believe him. I was wording myself carefully - for instance, if some classmates had left him feeling anxious during the day, I would say "That must have been really scary for you" instead of accepting at face value his conviction that the classmates secretly hated him. He noticed that this wasn't unqualified agreement with what he was saying and his suspicions about me secretly hating him got worse. The bottom line is that there was absolutely nothing I could have said or done to extricate him from that destructive dizzying cycle of negative paranoid thoughts and pure self-hate, his belief that he was a perpetual victim. Nothing. Even if I had tried different tactics, they would have produced similar results. He was like a runaway train: there was no way to keep him on the right track. The sheer force of his illness was too much. So in a way what triggers the person with BPD is irrelevant - the people closest to them are likely to feel the fall-out no matter what it is.

[rotiroti]

... .if it did happen, doesn't it follow that other aspects of who he is would change as well... .

Couldn't have said it better fromhealtoheel!

I also wished and longed for the 'good' parts of my fiancee to return, and that 'recovery' would mean 100% of her idealization to return. Not only is that unrealistic, but whatever the person on the other end of recovery would be someone completely different (considering recovery takes YEARS)

[Michelle27]

I spent about 5 years after I discovered the existence of BPD and that my exh likely has it (8/9 of the traits) thinking if only he got help, he'd be fine and we'd go back to the early days.  Problem was, what I went through for so many years changed ME and made search for self discovery, fixing of myself and how I got myself into the kind of relationship I was in and growing as a person has made me realize my own worth.  Even if my exh recovered from the illness itself, I'm not sure I could get past all of the really horrible stuff (infidelity, gaslighting my kids to get to me, etc.) and relax into a relationship with him again.  I did love him at one time, but that kind of gets tarnished with all of the behaviors I had to endure. 

[disorderedsociety]

B&B, I think that it's important to understand that even therapy isn't THE solution. It takes years to begin with, the kind of commitment that very difficult to maintain. It is intended to guide and to offer coping tools to deal with the disorder that, it is my understanding, never simply goes away. Adhering to those guides and using all of those tools for the rest of ones life time is a very tall order, even for the best.

I have tremendous empathy for pwBPD or any other personality disorder that they didn't ask for nor deserved. I still love and miss my exBPDgf very much and if there had been a switch, I would have begged for it, but the reality is that there is no switch and even with therapy absolutely no guarantee that it will last.

You don't just wish away anxiety or disregulation. It's heart breaking for all but ultimately the question is what would have become of us if we did stick it out? How many years of additional sacrifice would we have had to make, where our own needs were cast aside? I was ready and gave it four years, under the same roof, but then she broke a boundary that I couldn't accept. How many boundaries could you have endured, because therapy takes years? Therapy for this disorder is essentially asking the patient to forget everything that they have learned, to that point, to completely change who they are. How hard does that sound, for even we who are not disordered?

You are going through what we all go through... .what if they get better after us. You will ready post after post and so far, sadly, I have yet to hear of a single example. The best we can do is to just stop thinking about the what if's, as desperately hard as that is to put into practice. I admit to being relieved when reading the posts of others who are close enough to know of the whereabouts of their ex's and 9 times out of 10, the current situation for the pwBPD is not good, which is especially true for those of us who deeply loved our partners and who cared enough to stick it out through often very difficult circumstances. They know that we loved them and unless they find someone with the same level of caring, love and empathy, their feelings of elation are short lived and most often end in being abandoned.

You are putting yourself through so much pain seeking answers that can never be answered. The fact is that it is very unlikely that your ex is doing well, right now or that they will ever get better. There are no "wake up one day and it's gone" situations.

Big hug. 

I've gone through the same thing and find myself wondering why/how/what is going on with her having her second kid with this new guy! Its unbelievable some of the life choices they make. I'd say a kid assuages some of their abandonment fears but still its shocking.

[LimboFL]

Disordered, I can't imagine. There are several small silver linings in my case. One, I cut her off and have no idea where she is, second she is 45 and has no kids. In other words, I don't have to endure the pain that many, like yourself, have had to endure.

I am grateful that I didn't meet her when we were young. Her options are limited and her disorder, while she tries to control it, takes a flash to show itself.

Even in your situation, though, child birth for her is likely a self medicating measure and while the child might save her, temporarily from feelings of abandonment, this attachment is to the child, not the partner who is very likely either suffering now or will be.

As mentioned in my previous post, it is devastating to know that someone we love suffers but even with the reasoning that it is the disorder that is mostly responsible for the pain we have endured, I still find some comfort in knowing that life isn't going to ever live up to the dream that our ex's have. They gave up on people who truly loved them and wanted to be their rock. All we can do is to try to find happiness again, hopefully, with a new partner who will appreciate all of the good that we have in us and forgive us, as we will them, for our shortcomings.

I wish everyone strength.

[Kelli Cornett]

Thank you everyone. I guess it's my rescuer/co personality that makes me act this way. Detachment has just been the hardest.

[myself]

If you weren't the trigger, the bad behaviors would be that much worse as there would have been more choice involved on his part to act that way.

[joeramabeme]

B&B22, Here is another thought, amongst the many great ones that have already been expressed.

2BX came by yesterday and for the first time in years I could see a more relaxed presence about her.  I realized shortly after her visit that part of what I was perceiving was that she was no longer feeling unsafe or emotionally vulnerable and so could relax (some). 

Once my pwBPD had me as her trigger there was no turning back.  At the end of our marriage she would lock herself in the bathroom for safety.  This behavior after, 12 years of living together ten of them married.

I understand your pain.  We like to think that perhaps there is a formula or an answer that we can uncover and then apply it to our situation.  That takes responsibility from the pwBPD and places it elsewhere.  It really is their disorder and we cannot cure, change or control that, even when we have good cause to want to or think we know the answer.

Hang in there.