Greeceheidired
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 29
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« on: September 29, 2015, 07:28:32 PM » |
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Hello, separated 9 months from a 14 year marriage and having great difficulty letting go of my need to know that my husband suffers with BPD and not something else. Even therapist, along with family have asked me - does it really matter what the disorder is? It is consuming my life.
My husband filed for divorce a few months after I contacted his sister because of binge drinking issues in front of daughters. Eventually his his parents and other siblings were told about the situation.
I wanted a short informal separation to diffuse the situation and told husband, in laws and sisters that that a formal separation would make things worse.
I came to a point where I began to lash out in response to the verbal abuse and projections. Husband filed a complaint alleging constructive desertion to protect his well being. Since that time there has been very little communication and no remorse.
Some things he's said while separated are, I don't want this, you forced me to do this, I miss you, I love you. He has also called me a stalker and does not want me dropping off or picking up our daughter at his apartment.
Shortly before separation when on a drinking binge he kept repeating you hate me, you've hated me for years, there's no hope, I overwhelmed by the hate.
An attempt at counseling prior to separation, the rorscharch test revealed the following traits:
has much less capacity for stress and control than most (people), he has very few resources to cope with every day life. Emotionally "lacking" and therefore, easy to become unbalanced and because of this developed defenses and avoids challenges, has uncharacteristic responses, does not have resources and is impulsive
Affect - much less willing to become engaged when emotions are involved less psychologically complex, very simple, detached
more likely than most to have intrusive thoughts and deals with problems in escapist way, go and think about it
can be introspective and sensitive to how his behaviors affect others but has limited capacity to identify with people in his family
Self -identity is Harder? :)id not have a good model for self identity
Interpersonal - limited way to handle problems soundly - only on a superficial level, can't deal with emotional stuff
so it's easy to form relationships but can't manage them
Does not process info desirably when feeling not able to deal with something specific
Good at letting things roll off back when not an emotional issue
Simplistic way of dealing with the world -opposite from me
*Strong preference to deal with things with intellect not emotions which makes it difficult to deal with emotionalism "I need to get out"
He is open minded
Has instrusive thoughts and uses fantasy to deal with things
Sexual preoccupation
* is this consistent with borderline?
Therapist said no pathology or narcissism which is what I was thinking (covert) at the time. I wanted to go to another therapist with our results but husband would not allow me to get his records.
It's difficult to give a complete picture but the most difficult issues were the blatant denial, lack of acknowledgement, responsibility for actions, circle conversations, stonewalling, lies to avoid conflict, belittling verbal abuse and inappropriate responses (lack of empathy). Resulting in no intimacy. When I tried to resolve a conflict the issue for me became that we weren't on the same page about what is appropriate/inappropriate behavior. So ended up feeling alone, invalididated, misunderstood, etc. I tried different ways to communicate and nothing seemed to work. And I was blamed for everything. I said many times, I cannot be responsible for your words and actions.
It's so hard to provide a complete picture so I'll end with comments he's made:
"You saved my life"
Well what did you do to make me do that
It's up to you whether we have a good holiday, its In your hands
You shouldn't feel like that, what are you going to do about it
Your controlling, a bully
What do you do all day, nothing
I have to get up everyday and go to work, suffer a commute, you do nothing
You had a f up childhood
Shut the f up, b___, fu, - not often, without apology
* much of his abuse revolved around information confided to him and used against me, for instance knowing that I always feel I have to be productive, and difficulty allowing myself to have fun. I told him long ago I needed help with that. That's why his comments about what i do are so cutting.
Get over it, your irrational, your psychotic, bipolar, hateful,
Hangs up on me if I'm "criticizing" or crying because of him, does not call back or apologize, if asked if he thinks that ok, he would justify
Outward persona: intense, quiet, lacks sense of humor, serious, childish at times " tell me what to do", excited about a baseball game, hates crowds, private, narsiccistic, chauvenistic, cold, sarcastic, blunt, belligerent, passive aggressive,
Other persona, appearing flexible, responsible with things like picking up children taking to sporting events, punctual, do what looks right on the outside
affectionate, adoring at times, writing me many sweet, thoughtful notes, not ostentatious
Other non-borderline points:
Same Job for 20 years quality engineer
Travels for work and fishing hunting trips with family without noticeable problems
Never called incessantly, no cutting, no suicide or threats
No abusive behavior in front of anyone else, only in private, with a few exceptions with older daughter and talking in condescending tone with mother.
Did not appear to be unfaithful, although sexual relations important to him
I need to decide what to do. Sunday I tried to escape church without interaction but he called me, came over and wispered in my ear that he loves me, when a week earlier he told me Im not allowed on the property of his apartment parking lot. When daughter ran off I told him I wasn't comfortable with his mixed messages, especially confusing for our daughter and asked him if he remembered the way he treated me the last time he saw me to which he replied, that's the way I felt.
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