Do non's take on Borderline traits?

[Moselle]

 

I'm grappling with the realisation that I have been with a seriously disordered spouse (both BPD and NPD) for 15 years.

I realise that i have taken on maladaptive behaviours too. Eg I have reciprocated her meltdowns, by allowing resentment to build and being passive aggressive in return.

How do we find the fleas? And more importantly, how do we root them out and replace with healthy stuff?

[enlighten me]

Hi Mosselle

I don't find it surprising that we can take on their traits. This is just a human nature to do with us being pack animals. We learn to conform to our group. I did this in a rather hilarious way when I joined the army. There was a large group of my friends who came from a particular part of England with a very strong accent. After months of being with them I went home and my family found it funny that I had turned into a Geordie (as the people from that area are known). I had unbeknown to me picked up their accent.

The only way to find the fleas is to notice them or have people point them out to you. As for getting rid of them I would say by being around normal healthy people you will do this without even trying. These fleas are a coping mechanism for a situation. Others wont tolerate this behaviour so will drift away. The only way to prevent this is to calm down the behaviour. It will be a subconscious process with the occasional self aware moment of ive upset someone I shouldn't be doing that. If we can pick these things up in a disordered relationship without trying to we can pick up healthy behaviour the same way.

Just my opinion.

[klacey3]

Hi Moselle,

I think it is natural too. Partly because if we try get into their head to understand their disordered logic it must rub off on us at least a little. I am sure some of us have argued or acted in a way we think they would understand which may involve acting like them. The love/hate thing no doubt rubbed off on alot of us too. We love jekyll but not hyde right?

Well I think if you spend time with normal healthy people this should do the trick

[SGraham]

I don't know if i have taken on my ex's traits, but i have definitely changed. If we are talking negatives, i have become a bit more irritable and a bit more aggressive. it is deffinitely because of pent up ressentment so i am trying my best to counteract it.

[klacey3]

I don't know if i have taken on my ex's traits, but i have definitely changed. If we are talking negatives, i have become a bit more irritable and a bit more aggressive. it is deffinitely because of pent up ressentment so i am trying my best to counteract it.

Thats very understandable that you feel this way. It would be very hard not to after the things we deal with from our partners. Hope counteracting it works for you

[SGraham]

I don't know if i have taken on my ex's traits, but i have definitely changed. If we are talking negatives, i have become a bit more irritable and a bit more aggressive. it is deffinitely because of pent up ressentment so i am trying my best to counteract it.

Thats very understandable that you feel this way. It would be very hard not to after the things we deal with from our partners. Hope counteracting it works for you

For me it's all about finding creative or constructive ways to deal with the excess emotions

[Michelle27]

Oh, I absolutely picked up fleas.  I found myself responding to some rages with rages of my own towards the end.  That was after trying logic and of course, that never working.     I remember a few months before we tried a therapeutic separation feeling that rage building and telling him that I was going to put myself to bed because I knew I wasn't going to be pleasant to be around the rest of the day.  Then getting up and blasting him with anger and heading back to bed.  This lasted for 2 days.  It felt awful... .out of control.  Gave me some idea of how he felt during his rages for sure.  Thankfully, that was only one time, but I will never forget it.  I'm pretty sure I also started some passive aggressive behaviors too towards the end but to me it felt like I was just shutting down and detaching from him emotionally. 

The difference between nons picking up fleas and the disordered people themselves is that we can SEE it.  We are disturbed enough by it that we know to work on changing the behavior.  PwBPD won't because they see themselves as the victim of other people and circumstances so they have a right to their behavior.  Then of course, they change history to make their feelings valid. 

[coldmist]

I mirrored my exBPDgf. I started taking on her eating disorder orthorexia nervosa and I became hugely into exercise and nutrition like her. I also lost interest in things I enjoyed like video games just because she didn't like them. Luckily I didn't take on her self-destructive behaviors like smoking, I was the white knight trying to save her from those things.

I did my own push/pull behavior but not to the extreme she did. We were in a triangle with her exbf before me as I was the potential replacement so we were pushing and pulling at each other. Again, I was the white knight trying to save her from her exbf. My ex internally rages and uses passive aggressive behavior like the silent treatment and I took on some of that too. Me pushing and pulling led to her splitting me black for triggering her abandonment/engulfment fears.

Being ghosted by her six months ago was the best thing that happened to me. I've changed immensely in the time since as I've become very self-aware of my own issues and how incredibly unhealthy this relationship was.

[Moselle]

I am interacting with new people and realising it's hard to find friends without one issue or another. LOL

We all seem to be wounded and have insecurities. Perhaps that is the human condition.

[Harri]

Hi Moselle.  As you said, everyone has issues.  What's important is what a person does to manage them on their own. 

As for fleas, well yes I think it is possible to 'pick them up' when in longterm relationships.  What I believe happens tho is that we all have the capacity for really bad behaviors.  Some of us have never been in situations that bring those behaviors out and some of us have.

I personally do not care for the term fleas as it can be used to put the responsibility elsewhere and distance myself from the point of it all ---> learning new behaviors to replace my own crappy behaviors.   As a child of very disordered parents, it does not help to distance myself or deflect responsibility for change.

[search4peace]

I mirrored my exBPDgf. I started taking on her eating disorder orthorexia nervosa and I became hugely into exercise and nutrition like her.

wow, My euBPDgf had orthorexia also... .a very unhealthy obsession with heathy eating.  I have read that eating disorders are common to BPD, but you are the first poster I have seen here who has experience with this type of eating disorder+BPD.

What were your initial htoughts/reactions to finding this out about her?  I was initially a little freaked out and then frankly very worried about her... .both health-wise (ironically), and psychologically.  I think because of that worry, my rescuing/CoD self was drawn in even deeper and eventually enabled her on this and many other levels.  I never actually signed on 100% to her pure-food program, but I didn't draw a boundary either, which I am pretty sure would have been seen as invalidating and ended the relationship.

[coldmist]

I mirrored my exBPDgf. I started taking on her eating disorder orthorexia nervosa and I became hugely into exercise and nutrition like her.

wow, My euBPDgf had orthorexia also... .a very unhealthy obsession with heathy eating.  I have read that eating disorders are common to BPD, but you are the first poster I have seen here who has experience with this type of eating disorder+BPD.

What were your initial htoughts/reactions to finding this out about her?  I was initially a little freaked out and then frankly very worried about her... .both health-wise (ironically), and psychologically.  I think because of that worry, my rescuing/CoD self was drawn in even deeper and eventually enabled her on this and many other levels.  I never actually signed on 100% to her pure-food program, but I didn't draw a boundary either, which I am pretty sure would have been seen as invalidating and ended the relationship.

My ex isn't aware she has orthorexia or BPD for that matter. Initially I found her eating clean to be attractive as it implied she took care of herself. It was soon after I realized it was pretty extreme and she was doing it because she was constantly worried about gaining weight and getting "fat". Her motive was her image, it wasn't about taking care of her self. She said she was fat when she was younger but I think that was way exaggerated.

There was also the very weird contradiction of her smoking and I suspect occasional cocaine use based off some things she told me. I believe she started drinking a lot more after I was discarded too.

Ironically, I felt completely terrible physically and mentally when I mirrored her healthy eating. Despite all the red flags, I was hooked and I didn't set healthy boundaries.

[Moselle]

I personally do not care for the term fleas as it can be used to put the responsibility elsewhere and distance myself from the point of it all ---> learning new behaviors to replace my own crappy behaviors.   As a child of very disordered parents, it does not help to distance myself or deflect responsibility for change.

This is so sharp Harri. It's easy to blame the other party. That's also a cop out and delegation of responsibility to someone else.

Thanks for pointing it out !