I'm in trouble... again

[Jk416]

So my uBPDbf (possibly ex) has ended things again. He says he needs more time to get over his ex whom he was still dating when we met a year ago. Since he told me about it eventually and I stayed until he broke up with her, I have accepted that he needed time to heal. I foolishly wanted him to heal while still being with me. That's my fault, I knew better. But I was afraid of losing him. Now he's saying it again and I decided to put my feelings aside and give him the space he requested. This is the first "break up" where I haven't maintained contact. And now he's disappointed that I haven't tried to reach out to him. I don't care about him at all... .blah, blah, blah. Im just curious to know how others handle these "break ups." I know they are all somewhat different, but is it a good idea to try to reach out to them when they are the ones who left?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

It was his idea not to have contact?

[Jk416]

Correct.

[Jessica84]

It's incredibly painful and heartbreaking, but in my case, not contacting him and giving him space is what worked. This is that awful push/pull behavior that hurts so much. Sorry you are going through this 

[Jk416]

Thanks Jessica84. It is hard. I know not hearing from hurt him. But continuing to allow this cycle is not helping anyone. My fear of losing him is lessening, which makes it easier to set boundaries. I just worry that not reaching out to him triggers his fear of abandonment.

[unicorn2014]

I think you are lucky to have the strength to resist getting sucked back in. BPD never gets better on its own. Does anybody really want to have that kind of push/pull relationship? I'd say you are lucky to be able to walk away while you still can.

[Jk416]

And now I'm thinking that I do need to leave. He has talked about therapy before but has not gone. I was committed to working on our relationship together. But since he is not willing to do anything then I don't really see the point. He sent a text last night that he was done... .forever. It was so child-like it made me laugh. And if it was true, it would make it so much easier for me. But I know he's not going away forever. If we're not together, he will torment me about how I lied, left him, disappointed him, etc. When he comes back to reality, I'm telling him that we are not getting back together until he is over his ex. He will no longer hang their relationship over my head and continue to compare me to her. If she was soo great then he should go back to her. This could be the beginning of the end, but I'm tired.

[unicorn2014]

Jk416, I think that is a good idea. I am currently in a relationship with a man going through a divorce and let me tell you it is no fun. It is better to come to a relationship free and clear of any previous relationships. I think you are making the right choice to put a hold on the relationship until he can recover from his last one.

[Jk416]

It's so great to have a place to go for support. Unless you've been in a close relationship with a pwBPD, you just don't get what it's like. My t listens and supports but she still doesn't seem to get it. I can relate. I worked in mental health for years. My professional experience was totally different than my personal one. Seeing what goes on outside of the office has been eye-opening. And forget about talking to friends about this. My friends would never put up with this crap and would say leave him for sure. Who cares if I love him and connected with him in a way I never have before. So thanks to all of you for your responses, your stories, just being here! I'm feeling like it might be time to transition to one of the other boards. I'm definitely undecided but leaning more towards leaving at this point.

[Jessica84]

I've gotten "we're done... forever" texts. When I ignored, I got "the end". Next day he would remind me he broke up with me... .as if I forgot. If I continued to ignore him, I got "Why are you mad?" LOL

Very childlike, but also sad. Like you, he never really let me go, but we are together again now and things are much better. Whether you decide you want your relationship to work or not is completely your choice. Being in a BPD r/s is not easy, but it can improve over time with the right tools. If you are done, that's ok too. These boards are all about deciding what's best for YOU. 

[Jk416]

I have my plan, but I'm having a lot of anxiety about it. I'm tired and I don't want things to continue the way they have been going.

[JohnLove]

I have my plan, but I'm having a lot of anxiety about it. I'm tired and I don't want things to continue the way they have been going.

And that is the first step to improving things and lasting change.

I wish you every success on your journey. 

[Jk416]

Thanks!