I might not have had the r/s I thought I had

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am starting a new topic at the suggestion of another poster on this board. As many of you know I am waiting to see that my fiancé filed for divorce. When I first found out my fiancé was married 3 years ago he assured me he would get a divorce right away. 3 years later I haven't seen a single legal document. I would never entered into an engagement with this man had I not believed he was filing for divorce.

To make things even more complicated we got in a 1 hour plus long conversation on Saturday about how I changed the dynamic of the relationship when I tried to talk to him about this subject. He accused me of changing the structure of the relationship. Initially we had set up a DD/lg relationship but after many hours in therapy on my part, and two suicide attempts, multiple dysregulations, verbal abuse and more on his part I came to the conclusion that was not a good role for him to have for me. Furthermore on the one hand he was constantly telling me I had daddy issues and on the other hand he was constantly telling me he was my daddy and I was his little girl. It was very sick and toxic in my opinion and the last time he dysregulated and told me I had daddy issues I said that's it, I'm never calling him daddy again, and I never did.

Now whenever I try to talk to him about the fact that I thought he was divorcing which is why I accepted his marriage proposal in the first place he brings up the fact that I changed the relationship dynamic without telling him. He also tells me I'm abusive to him. As a result of my work on this board and in therapy I was able to tell him that a DD/lg r/s was not good for us, it allowed him to abuse me. Of course he didn't like this, but he accepted, however he got mad at me for not telling him. I was supposed to tell him I had to cut out the DD/lg r/s so he could stop abusing me? He would've  dysregulated and hung up the phone on me had I tried to do that two years ago.

I find it very interesting when I try to talk to him about the fact that he hasn't filed for divorce yet that he makes the conversation about the fact that I destroyed the DD/lg structure of our r/s over a year ago. Never mind trying to get him to see that he was the one who destroyed it by his abuse of me, he'll turn around and say I was the one abusing him.

[unicorn2014]

I am starting a new topic at the suggestion of another poster on this board. As many of you know I am waiting to see that my fiancé filed for divorce. When I first found out my fiancé was married 3 years ago he assured me he would get a divorce right away. 3 years later I haven't seen a single legal document. I would never entered into an engagement with this man had I not believed he was filing for divorce.

To make things even more complicated we got in a 1 hour plus long conversation on Saturday about how I changed the dynamic of the relationship when I tried to talk to him about this subject. He accused me of changing the structure of the relationship. Initially we had set up a DD/lg relationship but after many hours in therapy on my part, and two suicide attempts, multiple dysregulations, verbal abuse and more on his part I came to the conclusion that was not a good role for him to have for me. Furthermore on the one hand he was constantly telling me I had daddy issues and on the other hand he was constantly telling me he was my daddy and I was his little girl. It was very sick and toxic in my opinion and the last time he dysregulated and told me I had daddy issues I said that's it, I'm never calling him daddy again, and I never did.

Now whenever I try to talk to him about the fact that I thought he was divorcing which is why I accepted his marriage proposal in the first place he brings up the fact that I changed the relationship dynamic without telling him. He also tells me I'm abusive to him. As a result of my work on this board and in therapy I was able to tell him that a DD/lg r/s was not good for us, it allowed him to abuse me. Of course he didn't like this, but he accepted, however he got mad at me for not telling him. I was supposed to tell him I had to cut out the DD/lg r/s so he could stop abusing me? He would've  dysregulated and hung up the phone on me had I tried to do that two years ago.

I find it very interesting when I try to talk to him about the fact that he hasn't filed for divorce yet that he makes the conversation about the fact that I destroyed the DD/lg structure of our r/s over a year ago. Never mind trying to get him to see that he was the one who destroyed it by his abuse of me, he'll turn around and say I was the one abusing him.

[maxen]

hi unicorn. i've read through your other thread. in this thread you've described in a few words a pattern i myself have seen, though with different details.

To make things even more complicated we got in a 1 hour plus long conversation on Saturday about how I changed the dynamic of the relationship when I tried to talk to him about this subject. He accused me of changing the structure of the relationship.

so he changed the topic and won't answer your question ... .

Now whenever I try to talk to him about the fact that I thought he was divorcing which is why I accepted his marriage proposal in the first place he brings up the fact that I changed the relationship dynamic without telling him.

and he's trying to make you somehow responsible.

these certainly are characteristics of BPD. do you think this pattern would change in future?

[Panda39]

hi unicorn. i've read through your other thread. in this thread you've described in a few words a pattern i myself have seen, though with different details.

To make things even more complicated we got in a 1 hour plus long conversation on Saturday about how I changed the dynamic of the relationship when I tried to talk to him about this subject. He accused me of changing the structure of the relationship.

so he changed the topic and won't answer your question ... .

Now whenever I try to talk to him about the fact that I thought he was divorcing which is why I accepted his marriage proposal in the first place he brings up the fact that I changed the relationship dynamic without telling him.

and he's trying to make you somehow responsible.

these certainly are characteristics of BPD. do you think this pattern would change in future?

Yep, He is deflecting your issues with him... .changes topics and blames you for things that are off topic trying to lead you down the garden path into one of those never ending circular conversations.  Thus avoiding answering your question.

Here is a thread on circular conversations, hope it helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Panda39

[unicorn2014]

Maxen, no I do not think he will change so I will read the topic on circular conversation. I'm currently working through the topic on radical acceptance and want to talk about that when I'm done too. Thanks for reading and responding.

[unicorn2014]

Panda39, thank you for reading and responding. I will read the topic on circular conversations. To make things even harder, he denies he has BPD traits except when he gets dysregulated. On top of that he tries to make it about me and my personality whenever I try to talk to him about him and his personality.