Approaching a 3-Year Milestone... Ruminating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Family,

Approaching the 3-year ":)iscard" date in a few days. Then my b'day 2 days after that. While I no longer feel "that way" about my BPDex - I still tend to ruminate this time of year about the events that took place when I was discarded,  and the long, difficult year that followed.

My ex was really, really keen on (calendar) dates. He had an amazing memory and could recall things from our past that I had long forgotten. And they affected him. I'm sitting here wondering if he is aware of the approaching milestone and my b'day? I know that he still checks up on me occasionally via social media. A mutual friend told me that the ex made a post last week about how he was sorry for anyone that knew him from 1979 (the year we met) to 2013 (dumped right before the 2013 new year). I found that highly coincidental, but it could mean anything.

The hardest thing to accept during my recovery was that I meant nothing to him. That he could just forget that I exist. Time has passed and I now don't take it so personally. It is what it is. But this time of the year always takes me back. Was anyone else's ex aware of certain dates / events?  I'm not looking for contact from him. After all this time - I know that it's not going to happen. And there are numerous reasons why he can't reach out and I can't respond even if he did.

I just wonder if they take note and think of us at certain times?  I mean - they're human, too, after all (disorder or not). Interested to hear everyone's thoughts / opinions on this!  Thx! 

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

Approaching the 3-year ":)iscard" date in a few days. Then my b'day 2 days after that. While I no longer feel "that way" about my BPDex - I still tend to ruminate this time of year about the events that took place when I was discarded,  and the long, difficult year that followed.

My ex was really, really keen on (calendar) dates. He had an amazing memory and could recall things from our past that I had long forgotten. And they affected him. I'm sitting here wondering if he is aware of the approaching milestone and my b'day? I know that he still checks up on me occasionally via social media. A mutual friend told me that the ex made a post last week about how he was sorry for anyone that knew him from 1979 (the year we met) to 2013 (dumped right before the 2013 new year). I found that highly coincidental, but it could mean anything.

The hardest thing to accept during my recovery was that I meant nothing to him. That he could just forget that I exist. Time has passed and I now don't take it so personally. It is what it is. But this time of the year always takes me back. Was anyone else's ex aware of certain dates / events?  I'm not looking for contact from him. After all this time - I know that it's not going to happen. And there are numerous reasons why he can't reach out and I can't respond even if he did.

I just wonder if they take note and think of us at certain times?  I mean - they're human, too, after all (disorder or not). Interested to hear everyone's thoughts / opinions on this!  Thx! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lipstick, I understand that the milestones are rough.  Now divorced, I have a wedding anniversary with my BPDxW coming up in the next few days.  I've done a lot of ruminating, too, that for the most part was unproductive.  To me, the issue is not whether he's thinking about you, but rather whether you have more healing to do in order to get over the b/u.  It seems like you don't have closure from your Ex, which you may never receive.  Suggest you put your energy into the person over which you have power: Yourself.

LuckyJim

[lipstick]

Hey lipstick, I understand that the milestones are rough.  Now divorced, I have a wedding anniversary with my BPDxW coming up in the next few days.  I've done a lot of ruminating, too, that for the most part was unproductive.  To me, the issue is not whether he's thinking about you, but rather whether you have more healing to do in order to get over the b/u.  It seems like you don't have closure from your Ex, which you may never receive.  Suggest you put your energy into the person over which you have power: Yourself.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim,

Thank you for your response. No, I didn't get closure. Did any of us? It's just the time of year for me, that's all. I heard just this past week that the ex has lost yet another job. This man is 52 years old and a very talented chef! But he's had six jobs since we were together. Was fired from four of them (that I know of).  He's running out of places to work on his little island.    

I think that's sort of been my closure. Hearing about how he continues to sabotage his employment. And it seems like the duration of the employment is getting shorter and shorter. Yet he continues to "front" on Facebook about peace, love, happiness and gratitude.  They really are incredible actors.

My aunt saw him about three months ago. Said that he was "stooped over and hobbling like an old man... .not pretty... .looked like he was a hundred years old... .be glad you're out!".   And I am glad. This month just causes rumination and a touch of melancholy. I've known this man since high school. So it sometimes still stings to know that I don't exist to him. It will pass. Always does.  

[jhkbuzz]

The hardest thing to accept during my recovery was that I meant nothing to him.

Why are you telling yourself ^ that?

I struggled with that thought for a while too... .until I realized it was sort of black and white thinking. It was either "she loved me with all her heart" (I sure thought so at the beginning), or "I actually meant nothing to her" (I sure as hell felt that way by the end). It confused me for a long time.

This is what I realized: her feelings in the beginning were genuine; she loved me in her way, to the extent that she was able, for as long as she was able - but the disorder interfered. It always does. A long term, healthy, intimate r/s is impossible for someone with untreated BPD. But that doesn't mean that I "never meant anything to her." There was a time I meant the world to her - and she to me.

As I was grieving my r/s I became aware of my negative thoughts, and how I would use these thoughts that I had no way of proving ("I meant nothing to her" to beat myself up and ruminate and feel sad. I came to realize that I could choose entirely different thoughts - and I did. It took some practice, but I re-wrote the narrative in my head - and then started to examine why I was beating my own self up with my thoughts.

You are not your thoughts. You can step outside of them, examine them, discard the ones that don't serve you well, and choose different ones.

[lipstick]

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your response. Why do I tell myself that I meant nothing to him? Because he dumped me to go back to an abusive relationship. With a woman many years his senior. They will be celebrating 27 years together this December (with the exception of me). I won't go into details on this - just that I wasn't supposed to be an "affair".

She doesn't get "painted black" and they seem to be going strong. I was shut out and ignored.

Doesn't matter now. Like I stated - it's just the time of year. It will pass. 

[jhkbuzz]

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your response. Why do I tell myself that I meant nothing to him? Because he dumped me to go back to an abusive relationship. With a woman many years his senior. They will be celebrating 27 years together this December (with the exception of me). I won't go into details on this - just that I wasn't supposed to be an "affair".

She doesn't get "painted black" and they seem to be going strong. I was shut out and ignored.

Doesn't matter now. Like I stated - it's just the time of year. It will pass. 

I understand how painful that must be. 

But I'm still going to stand by what I said originally.

She doesn't get "painted black" and they seem to be going strong.

There's ^ another thought that you're using to (possibly) ruminate and feel sad. This is the truth: you have no idea what the state of their relationship is. But here's a hint: he cheated, she's abusive, he has BPD - it ain't all roses, that's for sure.

Consider getting to the bottom of why your internal narratives appear to be invested in making you feel badly ("I meant nothing to him" "They seem to be going strong". You are actually doing this to yourself, which is the saddest part of it. What are some more positive thoughts that you could meditate on? How could you "change" your internal narrative so that, instead of being unloved, you were worthy of love but had the misfortune of becoming involved with someone who had mental health issues? That you are, thankfully, out of the r/s and free to meet someone who will treat you with the loving, tender care that you deserve?