3 months...I'm getting worse not better

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been three months and I seem to be any getting worse rather than better. I really feel like I can't take another day.  More than anything else it's the constant up and down,  the hope one day and the desperation the next. I will have a day when the overwhelming hopeless seems to be almost gone and I feel like I have made a breakthrough, only to wake up the next morning unable to get out of bed and hope for freedom from this mental prison no where In sight. I can't believe one person can destroy another person's life so dramatically. Unfortunately I married my borderline and we are at the beginning stages of the divorce, so my odyssey is far from over.

I have recycled 7 times, 3 in a 21 month marriage.

I can tell you from experience, each time you go back it becomes harder and harder to get over it, and the devastation compounds.

And for God sake's don't ever marry someone if you have the slightest notion that they are borderline, the madness becomes unbearable.

[Rameses]

It's been three months and I seem to be any getting worse rather than better. I really feel like I can't take another day.  More than anything else it's the constant up and down,  the hope one day and the desperation the next. I will have a day when the overwhelming hopeless seems to be almost gone and I feel like I have made a breakthrough, only to wake up the next morning unable to get out of bed and hope for freedom from this mental prison no where In sight. I can't believe one person can destroy another person's life so dramatically. Unfortunately I married my borderline and we are at the beginning stages of the divorce, so my odyssey is far from over.

I have recycled 7 times, 3 in a 21 month marriage.

I can tell you from experience, each time you go back it becomes harder and harder to get over it, and the devastation compounds.

And for God sake's don't ever marry someone if you have the slightest notion that they are borderline, the madness becomes unbearable.

[Rameses]

For those contemplating NC... .you MUST read the post by Mazzy entitled... ."trust the power of no contact" I bumped it up it's right near this post.

I read it right after I posted about how devastated I am feeling. And I realized it's because I broke NC two days ago... .nuff said... .NC is the only way for most of us.

[enlighten me]

Hi Rameses

Im sorry your feeling like this. We can get knocked back by almost anything. Breaking NC seems to be a big cause of this.

How has this realisation made you feel with going forward?

[Rameses]

Hi Rameses

Im sorry your feeling like this. We can get knocked back by almost anything. Breaking NC seems to be a big cause of this.

How has this realisation made you feel with going forward?

I'm not sure what you mean by your question. Can you re-phrase it please?

[enlighten me]

Sorry.

Has it made you firmer in your determination to detach or has it made you miss the relationship more?

[Rameses]

Gotcha... .it has made me 100% convinced that NC of any kind is thr only way to continue the detachment process for me.

I don't miss the actual relationship, I miss the idea of the relationship I thought and wished we had.

[enlighten me]

That realisation hits like a slap in the face. I remember when I realised that the relationship was more to do with what I wanted than what it really was made me firmer in my belief to detach.

The hard part is then getting over that and going easy on yourself.

Sounds as if your determined to move forward which is good and it does get a lot easier.

[cyclistIII]

I think it is normal to relapse a lot in the beginning -- you feel free or cured for a day and then the next day you feel like you're back at square one. That was actually the most frustrating thing for me -- the first time I relapsed I felt more hopeless than I had in the beginning, because I started to wonder if I would ever get over the relationship or just be stuck in an endless cycle... .but I wasn't. The good days became more frequent and the setbacks shorter and less intense... .stay with it! You are still in the early stages; it will get better!

[Mutt]

It's been three months and I seem to be any getting worse rather than better. I really feel like I can't take another day.  More than anything else it's the constant up and down,  the hope one day and the desperation the next. I will have a day when the overwhelming hopeless seems to be almost gone and I feel like I have made a breakthrough, only to wake up the next morning unable to get out of bed and hope for freedom from this mental prison no where In sight.

Hi Rameses,

I'm sorry to hear that. You may be feeling worst due to a neuro-chemical change in our brains weeks after a break-up that can trigger pain and cravings similar to a drug user going through withdrawals. We may feel emotional distress, anxiety, depression, PTSD like symptoms, hyper-vigilance.

PERSPECTIVES: The Biology of Breaking Up - why it hurts [romantic partners]


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Rameses]

You are still in the early stages; it will get better!

Early stages?... .3 months?... .yikes!

[Darsha500]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I've posted many times about the exact same dilemma. These ups and downs are so aggravating. It's as if I'll reach this high plateau, only to take a step a find myself plumeting off the side of a cliff. I hit bottom, legs feeling as if they are Brocken, yet my only option is to get up and continue marching forward. Painful memories haunting my step as I ascend once again.

I have to remind myself that the bad days are inevitable. They are an intrinsic part of the process. That's why every morning I give thanks that I am one day further along my path.

I agree, three months? EARLY? You have to be kidding me! Nope. I'm 10 weeks post bu this Sunday. But I see that I am still raw. Thank goodness I am at least productive with my life again. The first month I was worthless.

Though it may not seem like it, I believe we are getting better not worse. Even when we are hit with set backs, which appear to put us back to square one. We can interpret them as aids. Like in your case, you've learned that nc is the only way forward for you. That's something to be grateful for.

In my case - I learned of my new replacement.  I was able to get into better touch with myself as the result of that set back. I believe it helped me to love myself more deeply.

Let us continue marching.

[cyclistIII]

I think it depends on how long the relationship was and if there were several recycles compounding it... .that might make it take longer to get out of the woods, so to speak... .I don't know, am I crazy? Now you're making me wonder... .;-) But three months for an intense break-up still sounds relatively early.

[Mazzy]

You are still in the early stages; it will get better!

Early stages?... .3 months?... .yikes!

No two people 'heal' in a uniform pattern. Given the history and recycles with your ex, it sounds like there's a lot of emotional scar tissue that needs to be abraded and healed.

And don't knock yourself for the day-to-day ups and downs. Those first six months (yes, six) were the hardest. I was bartending at the time and having to put a smile on your face in the throes of all of that was grueling, to say the least.

Stick to these here forums, maintain NC, talk to people, get some sun, yada yada. It all sounds trite, I know, but all of it helps in tandem.

[hollycat]

I don't miss the actual relationship, I miss the idea of the relationship I thought and wished we had.


YES! I absolutely feel like you described. We are in mourning. That is one reason we feel so badly. The death of a dream.  Once I realized I was in mourning for something that never existed, it was easier for me. Even so, there are days I cry and cry. But more time passes when he is not 100% on my mind.

[Suzn]

we are at the beginning stages of the divorce, so my odyssey is far from over.

Hi Rameses   

I'm sorry you've been through all of this with your wife.    Going through a divorce is hard on anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating. You're right this is likely far from over. Being involved in divorce proceedings is still in the fray. How are you taking care of yourself right now? Be very kind to yourself, this isn't easy for anyone in your shoes.

It may be a good plan to read (and post if you have questions) on the Legal board to be more prepared.

It's here:  [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody

[Rameses]

we are at the beginning stages of the divorce, so my odyssey is far from over.

How are you taking care of yourself right now? Be very kind to yourself, this isn't easy for anyone in your shoes.

Here's what I have been doing so far:

No contact... .few slip ups

Not looking at any pictures of her

Feeling the pain without judgment

Working out

Trying to practice mindfulness (staying in the moment)

Praying

Meditating

Reading and listening to positive affirmations

Counseling

Talking with family and friends

Journaling everyday

Keeping mood logs

Going to discussion forums like this one and posting and reading

Not so good stuff:

Hitting a bar on Friday night drinking4 beers and going home... .no other alcohol on other days

Not eating healthy

Using Klonopin(anti -anxiety med) very sparingly... .only when I can't function

Pity parties... .not much crying though... .can't seem to let it out, I'm not opposed to it, just hasen't happened, except for one time.

And 3 months later I am getting worse... .and I'm the one who left... .6 times.

[cj488]

You WILL MAKE IT! I'm an old veteran now at one year (yes, congrats to me, thank you). Never thought I'd make it to this place. Feeling that I've aged years in this past year - hard won wisdom. Perhaps we nons are run through the entire lifetime of suffering of our Bpd partners? I don't know, but I do know that it took A YEAR, but I'm through to the other side. One piece of advice: don't expect real support from friends who don't know what Bpd is and aren't really interested in knowing. They won't understand, and you'll just drive them nuts whining about something they can't grasp. Hang with us here at the board, see a professional therapist who is familiar with nons recovering from Bpd partners, find those among your friends who have been in your shoes. I found that a good friend I'd known for some years had previously been married to a borderline - he never talked about it, until it happened to me. He was a great source of support.

[toddinrochester]

One piece of advice: don't expect real support from friends who don't know what Bpd is and aren't really interested in knowing. They won't understand, and you'll just drive them nuts whining about something they can't grasp.

Yeah... .This is some pretty serious advice. I was just told by one of my closest friends that its time for me to just get over this... .It is not that easy and I am now resolved to only come here for support minus my T. It's unfortunate as she is the one person that I am most comfortable talking with.

[Skip]

Here's what I have been doing so far:

No contact... .few slip ups

Not looking at any pictures of her

Feeling the pain without judgment

Working out

Trying to practice mindfulness (staying in the moment)

Praying

Meditating

Reading and listening to positive affirmations

Counseling

Talking with family and friends

Journaling everyday

Keeping mood logs

Going to discussion forums like this one and posting and reading

Not so good stuff:

Hitting a bar on Friday night drinking4 beers and going home... .no other alcohol on other days

Not eating healthy

Using Klonopin(anti -anxiety med) very sparingly... .only when I can't function

Pity parties... .not much crying though... .can't seem to let it out, I'm not opposed to it, just hasen't happened, except for one time.

And 3 months later I am getting worse... .and I'm the one who left... .6 times.

Do you think you are just starting to react to her detachment which you are just starting to feel might be real?  As you said in an recent post, paraphrasing, you are fearful of the reality that she may start seeing someone else.

You sound like you are in emotional crisis - and it sounds like you are doing the right kinds of things... .

The hard question... .what is at the root of the anxiety?  Were you hoping that by pulling back that she would get the message and make changes?

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't miss the actual relationship, I miss the idea of the relationship I thought and wished we had.

That's a crucial realization Rameses, and you can use it: 

You never had the relationship you thought and wished you had, so you haven't lost anything and there's nothing to miss.

If you found it wasn't possible to create the relationship you wanted with her, then her seeing someone else doesn't deprive you of anything.

The relationship you think you want and wish for is still available to you, just not with her.  It's early to start dating or seeking a new relationship, but if you clearly define and visualize the future relationship you want and wish for, and then fully associate to which version of yourself you need to be to be happy, content and fulfilled in that relationship, and compare that to where you are today, then you can set about closing that gap, a self-improvement project, which will gain momentum once you get clear on where you're going and notice progress, and before you know it you'll be living that life full time, meeting new people, and letting your ex just fade into the past.  Hey, may seem far fetched right now, but do something, one thing, towards the creation of the life of your dreams today.  And then tomorrow.  One day at a time.  The only way out is through, and focusing on the future will help a great deal right now.

[DaKid]

I don't miss the actual relationship, I miss the idea of the relationship I thought and wished we had.

That's a crucial realization Rameses, and you can use it: 

You never had the relationship you thought and wished you had, so you haven't lost anything and there's nothing to miss.

If you found it wasn't possible to create the relationship you wanted with her, then her seeing someone else doesn't deprive you of anything.

The relationship you think you want and wish for is still available to you, just not with her.  It's early to start dating or seeking a new relationship, but if you clearly define and visualize the future relationship you want and wish for, and then fully associate to which version of yourself you need to be to be happy, content and fulfilled in that relationship, and compare that to where you are today, then you can set about closing that gap, a self-improvement project, which will gain momentum once you get clear on where you're going and notice progress, and before you know it you'll be living that life full time, meeting new people, and letting your ex just fade into the past.  Hey, may seem far fetched right now, but do something, one thing, towards the creation of the life of your dreams today.  And then tomorrow.  One day at a time.  The only way out is through, and focusing on the future will help a great deal right now.

This one hits it exactly for me. I'm struggling realizing this is what I am feeling. Like other people said too. It's the dream of the life that I miss the most. I don't miss the turmoil. The having to explain everything all the time.

I miss her smile. I miss the "forever" dream. I will keep reading this over and over. I helps to know that the relationship is still available. Just not with her.

Day by day