enDad Showing Signs of Dementia & an uBPD Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been awhile since I have posted but it feels good to be back in a community of people who can relate. I need some guidance on how to deal with an undiagnosed mother and an enabling father who could be possibly showing signs of early dementia.

My mom has had BPD for as far back as a I can remember, so at least 40+ years. She has not been diagnosed and is extremely high functioning. The only ones who see her craziness is myself and my dad. He has stayed with her all these years. I can't begin to understand why - I cannot get my head around it - but I have accepted that it is his choice to make.

But it does, of course, impact me. Two years ago, he admitted to me that he was suicidal. It took a few months but he finally agreed to see a counselor. I helped him find someone in his community who is familiar with BPD and she helped give him some tools to deal with my mom. (They live on the east coast and I live on the west coast).

For years, my mom has been convinced that she is going to die at the age of 63. She turned 63 in April. A few years ago, I said to my dad, "Mom is so convinced that she is going to die at the age of 63 that I wouldn't be surprised if she tried something on herself." (She has never shown any suicidal tendencies.) Without blinking an eye, my dad said, "I know. And if that happens, I'm coming to live closer to you." It was clearly something he had spent some time thinking about, too.

So I went into this year fully knowing that something could happen. I've already accepted it, as awful as that sounds.

In July, in the middle of a family reunion, my mom blurted out, "I think your dad is showing signs of dementia." I was shocked. I had not noticed anything. And then she went on to say, "I always thought I would be the one to die at the age of 63 but maybe I was wrong. Maybe your dad will die when I am 63." I was devastated, shocked, angry that she told me in this way (in the middle of a family reunion party), etc.

We are still trying to figure out what is happening with my dad (I later learned that he has been doing some strange things) and we're not certain yet. It very well could be that he is showing signs of early dementia. But it could also be stress. I called his doctor this past week to fill him in on my mom. I knew my dad hadn't told the doc about my mom (I asked) and the doc needs to know that my dad is living with someone who is constantly berating him for everything that he has done wrong for the past 40 years - on a regular and consistent basis. Fortunately, the doctor was openminded and listened carefully.

This possible situation scares me on so many levels. For one, I'm not ready to lose my dad. I know that no one is, but I figured we had years left to travel together, and just be father/daughter (he was not around as much when I was growing up). And, because of my mom, he hasnt' really been living a life the past few years; he is only surviving. I wanted him to experience a non-stressful, happy life (although I know that he would grieve my mom deeply when she does pass on.)

And, on a very very selfish level, if he is gone then my mom only has one person to whom she can direct her craziness: me. And that scares the crap out of me. Isn't that awful to say? I feel miserable just writing it down. And I know how selfish it is.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation? As your parents are aging, how do you cope with a undiagnosed parent when there is no other support available? (I am an only child and no one else in my extended family knows about my mom.) Does anyone has positive, hopeful stories that they can share?

[sad4mydad]

It's been awhile since I have posted but it feels good to be back in a community of people who can relate. I need some guidance on how to deal with an undiagnosed mother and an enabling father who could be possibly showing signs of early dementia.

My mom has had BPD for as far back as a I can remember, so at least 40+ years. She has not been diagnosed and is extremely high functioning. The only ones who see her craziness is myself and my dad. He has stayed with her all these years. I can't begin to understand why - I cannot get my head around it - but I have accepted that it is his choice to make.

But it does, of course, impact me. Two years ago, he admitted to me that he was suicidal. It took a few months but he finally agreed to see a counselor. I helped him find someone in his community who is familiar with BPD and she helped give him some tools to deal with my mom. (They live on the east coast and I live on the west coast).

For years, my mom has been convinced that she is going to die at the age of 63. She turned 63 in April. A few years ago, I said to my dad, "Mom is so convinced that she is going to die at the age of 63 that I wouldn't be surprised if she tried something on herself." (She has never shown any suicidal tendencies.) Without blinking an eye, my dad said, "I know. And if that happens, I'm coming to live closer to you." It was clearly something he had spent some time thinking about, too.

So I went into this year fully knowing that something could happen. I've already accepted it, as awful as that sounds.

In July, in the middle of a family reunion, my mom blurted out, "I think your dad is showing signs of dementia." I was shocked. I had not noticed anything. And then she went on to say, "I always thought I would be the one to die at the age of 63 but maybe I was wrong. Maybe your dad will die when I am 63." I was devastated, shocked, angry that she told me in this way (in the middle of a family reunion party), etc.

We are still trying to figure out what is happening with my dad (I later learned that he has been doing some strange things) and we're not certain yet. It very well could be that he is showing signs of early dementia. But it could also be stress. I called his doctor this past week to fill him in on my mom. I knew my dad hadn't told the doc about my mom (I asked) and the doc needs to know that my dad is living with someone who is constantly berating him for everything that he has done wrong for the past 40 years - on a regular and consistent basis. Fortunately, the doctor was openminded and listened carefully.

This possible situation scares me on so many levels. For one, I'm not ready to lose my dad. I know that no one is, but I figured we had years left to travel together, and just be father/daughter (he was not around as much when I was growing up). And, because of my mom, he hasnt' really been living a life the past few years; he is only surviving. I wanted him to experience a non-stressful, happy life (although I know that he would grieve my mom deeply when she does pass on.)

And, on a very very selfish level, if he is gone then my mom only has one person to whom she can direct her craziness: me. And that scares the crap out of me. Isn't that awful to say? I feel miserable just writing it down. And I know how selfish it is.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation? As your parents are aging, how do you cope with a undiagnosed parent when there is no other support available? (I am an only child and no one else in my extended family knows about my mom.) Does anyone has positive, hopeful stories that they can share?

[Auslaunder]

It's difficult enough to have a parent with BPD but to also be facing dementia with your father is devastating. Here are some 

I'd like to recommend a book for caregivers of people with dementia called Embracing Dementia A Call to Love by Ellen Marie Edmonds. She has a website and online radio program that is helpful to get your fathers affairs in order and provide him the best emotional support you can so that your mothers disorder is less harmful to him.

Does your mother have brothers and sisters? It sounds like she has some family since she was at a family reunion. As my BPD father has aged he has become closer to his brothers and sisters who he used to have very poor relationships with. I thought they didn't know about his problems but that's not the case . He was very mean to them as a child, so they believed me when I explained I was having difficulty with him.

[keldubs78]

I haven't been on this site for a while but I was scrolling through and wanted to reply to your post. 

I, too, am an only child.  My mom is  also a high functioning uBPD and my dad, who I was extremely close with and was the kindest, most amazing man (would have to be to stay with my mom for almost 40 years) died in July.  He had cancer but 6 years before being diagnosed with that, we found out he had Parkinson's.  It been a devastating 8 years culminating in an excrutiating end of his life this past summer in which I wanted to be by his side but that came with being with my mom on a daily basis for several months as well.  She was in rare form at the end of his life, ranting and raving and threatening suicide.  She treated the nurses and pretty much anyone else in her way (especially me and my aunt, my dad's sister) horribly.  It was my worst nightmare come true... .losing my dad and being left with my mom, just as you described. 

Your story sound so familiar to me.  My mom would also make a big scene about my dad's ailments, particularly his Parkinson's, announcing to everyone how "different" he was and blaming it on the disease.  She degraded and demoralized him at the end of his life, talking about him as if he was an invalid right in front of him, agonizing and going on and on about how hard his illnesses were on HER, making him feel like a burden.  I could have KILLED her at the very end.  And now, I'm dealing with the agony of her making me feel like the worst daughter in the world for not being at her beck and call to pick up the pieces of the life SHE created for herself by never being an equal partner in her marriage, letting my dad do all the household repairs, finances, etc.  Now, she is alone and doesn't let anyone forget it, practically blaming anyone in her path for how terrible her life is now that she's alone (when the reality is she's been miserable her whole life and this is just the latest thing to blame her misery on).  I'm of course her #1 punching bag. 

The one thing I am happy I did in the last 10 years was open up to my dad and talk to him about my mom rather than just do what we did while I was growing up, weather the storms she would create and then pretend everything was fine.  It brought us a lot closer and in the end, even though he never divorced her, I feel that at least he was able to be told (by me and a therapist) that it was not his fault.  He couldn't fix my mom and make her happy no matter how hard he tried.  I think he always bore the burden of feeling like he wasn't doing enough (because that's how she made him feel).  Ultimately, I have to accept that it just wasn't in him to leave my mom and live a life that could bring him peace.  Ultimately, I believe he paid the price in making that decision because a man who was very healthy and active all his life, deteriorated quickly in a matter of 8 years with two different diseases.  My honest opinion is the stress of living with my mom all those years finally took it's toll.  Can I ever prove that?  No.  But I will go to my own grave believing it contributed to his demise. 

My best advice to you is to seek out as many opportunities to spend time alone with your dad and be open with him about the situation and the reality of the havoc your mother wreaks on the family.  My mom always made it a big deal if my dad and I ever spent time alone (she couldn't stand that we had a better relationship than she and I have).  I wish I would have not been so afraid of avoiding her tantrums and just said, screw it, I'm calling my dad and taking him to lunch, JUST US regardless of how she will act.  Being an only child is a tough thing with aging parents but especially under circumstances like these.  If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend you also get someone to talk to yourself to help you work through the stresses and pressures of the situation. 

Best of luck to you.

[MindfulPresent]

My best advice would be to assist your father as much as you can in finding proper medical care and try and keep in contact with his therapist to the extent the therapist is willing.  Also, don't be afraid to contact extended family, they may know more than you realize, or at least be willing to help.  It sounds like you are doing the right thing - just remember that he chose this life when he was well enough to make the choice.  Good reads are "surviving a borderline parent" and "children of the aging self absorbed" if you haven't read them yet.