5 months out

[movingon6]

Hi,

I separated from my BPD husband about five months ago and will divorce him once I am legally able to (my state has a 1 year waiting period).  We were married for 4 years and thankfully had no children.  I didn't know he was BPD until things really started tanking and I went into therapy and started doing a lot of reading. I thought he was just depressed and stressed from difficult work situations -- until I started seeing those patterns repeat in different work situations with different people and his anger and hostility turned towards me. Eventually he started spending money recklessly and sexually acting out with other women-- in obvious ways so he would be sure to get caught.

I thought he was a good person, and hoped that eventually the stressful situations would shift. But those things turned out not to be true.  I had doubts about him (which is why I didn't have any children) but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now that the full truth is known, I struggle with reconciling all of it and knowing who he even is or was. His behavior at the end seemed so out of character and so different from who I thought he was.  It blows my mind.

I've been moving on the best way I can, and have had very little contact with him.  It has gotten easier with time-- I am starting to feel more like myself again. 

But I still have moments when I feel so anxious.  How do you unravel from the stress? and decompress?

I think part of it is because it feels mind blowing to have been so off on my judgement about someone. How do you reconcile this?

[enlighten me]

Hi Movingon6

Welcome to the family.

It is hard to understand how we could have been so off on our judgment. A lot of it has to do with them mirroring us and some is because we want it to work so we ignore the warning signs.

My exgf probably ended up the polar opposite of who I thought she was.

There are some useful lessons on the leaving board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

It might be worthwhile for you to have a look at them.

Please keep reading and posting. I think you will be surprised how many people here have been through what you have and seeing this can help in not feeling alone in it. It also helps when you start doubting yourself as a lot of us have done. It helps to realise were not the "crazy" ones that we can sometimes feel like.

[hopealways]

Trying to make sense of it all has never worked because we try to rationalize the behavior of someone who is disordered.  For me time and focusing on myself is what is helping me heal. Reminiscing about her only makes me think of her in a perfect and positive light (and she definitely was neither!) so I try to avoid thinking of her.