Checking the mailbox hoping...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Everyday I check the mailbox with only one true motive. I check it thinking there will be a letter from her explaining her actions. I work from home so I wait to hear the familiar sound of the mailman truck as he pulls away. I walk out with the same hope and excitement I get when I play the lottery. Knowing there isn't really a chance. But yet I play the lottery and I wait for the mail and I leave the porch light on at night. It is a funny thing this whole mess. I don't want anything more, I just want it back how it was before all of this. How it was before I met her. I wish I hadn't. I wish that this never happened. Today is a struggle day for me.

[toddinrochester]

Everyday I check the mailbox with only one true motive. I check it thinking there will be a letter from her explaining her actions. I work from home so I wait to hear the familiar sound of the mailman truck as he pulls away. I walk out with the same hope and excitement I get when I play the lottery. Knowing there isn't really a chance. But yet I play the lottery and I wait for the mail and I leave the porch light on at night. It is a funny thing this whole mess. I don't want anything more, I just want it back how it was before all of this. How it was before I met her. I wish I hadn't. I wish that this never happened. Today is a struggle day for me.

[enlighten me]

Hi Todd

I can understand this. Checking emails, Facebook etc. All done obsessively.

Im now at a point where Im not bothered but after the hoping came dread. I dreaded my exs getting in touch. It was normally drama but if it was just a passage of information it still left me feeling shaken.

[toddinrochester]

I don't check her FB. I am pretty good about that. I don't want to know about the new guy. I think in the end I am hoping for real closure to something that doesn't have the possibility of real closure. Just a letter, note, anything. Something that shows I mattered. I was doing great this morning. Not so great now. I will get through this. I am excited about the CoDA meeting I am attending tomorrow night because I need to work on myself. But right now I am sad and hurting.

[cyclistIII]

Hang in there!

The other day I made a list of all the things I have gained from the experience -- things I've learned about myself, wisdom gained, and other ways I'm better off now than before. But I've definitely had moments of just wishing it had never happened... .

[Lifewriter16]

Yes, that's me too... .checking emails numerous times a day, rushing to the phone - just in case he contacts me. I've definitely got a heavy dose of obsession for this man, generated by childhood pain.

It does lessen as time goes by though... .

Love Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Todd, Your post reminds me of the Beatles song, "Please Mister Postman"!   

Seriously, I understand that you are in pain.  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to put your focus where your power is.  Whether your Ex sends you a letter or not is something over which you have no control.  Your job is Y-O-U.  Got that?

LuckyJim

[toddinrochester]

I know Jim. These are times where I wish I worked in an office and not from home. I used to check the porch each morning as one time she left flowers and a note. I stopped doing that. =) I know I am a work in progress. I need to start getting out of here for periods of time during the day. Sitting in this all the time especially when the memories are all here is not good.

[hopealways]

Hi Todd

I do the same thing, check the mail hoping she will write a letter. Every morning I also look out the window because I hold on to one crumb of a statement she told me years ago when I unsuccessfully blocked her she said "I was going to come to your door if you didn't pick up when I called from this unknown number." This is all so difficult, but time heals, and time brings clarity.

[Tangy]

Hi Todd, I can totally empathize with you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I check my email all the time... .half hoping... .half terrified that he would contact me. I usually get home late every week night and I always hope he's in the driveway parked in his spot and that its back to before he left me and that everything is okay. Someone above mentioned childhood pain... .that must be it. Wanting daddy to come back or something... .I don't know.

It's funny because when he was pining for me years ago while I was in a relationship he sat outside of a classroom for me for three hours waiting to try to talk me out of not having him in my life (because I had feelings for him but was in a relationship)... .it's funny how things have totally changed now.

[Invictus01]

The first few weeks, if I happened to be asleep at night (which was rare), I'd still wake up 100 times a night checking my phone to see if I got a text from her. I had to change the text ringtone because any time any text came in, it triggered me (we exchanged 100-150 texts per day every day for about 6 months straight). So, yeah, all this is very familiar... .Hang in there, takes time, but it does get better.

[Beach_Babe]

No mailbox to check, ex ate it. . I understand the feeling though. I did this for six months, hoping and waiting. Finally now I am starting to accept the truth.  I am so sorry you are struggling today. *hugs*

[james_s]

Hi toddinrochester, I can relate to your post. Every day. I check my phone, facebook, email and letterbox obsessively many times in a day. This is such a daunting, confusing experience.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I know the feeling. Been there, done that. Still do it. It's like a drug addiction that's hard to kick. And like all drug addictions, it needs to be treated as such. Stay away from it and try not to partake. Nothing good can come from it. Nothing.

For me, I still hope to hear from her and gain some sort of closure but while my heart wants this, my brain knows better. It remembers the lies, walking on eggshells, etc. All I do is visit my little notebook with all of the "facts" and then I feel better.

... .and like all tornadoes (which this one was) they roll through and then leave, leaving a wake of destruction in it's path. She was a tornado alright. The roof is now fixed and the house is back together and I want it to stay that way.