Hello,
I've been talking/dating this wBPD girl for 3 months and it has come to a point that she trusts me enough to tell a story about her abusive ex. Long story short, 2 years ago she was in a bad relationship where she was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. It ended with her having some sort of revenge by telling everybody about the abuse, including his circle of friends and father. This led to rancor from the ex that's been burning until now. Now the girl herself is ready to let go of the past, she's also been seeing a shrink these past 2 years, but the problem is the ex once in a while texts her with all sorts of hurtful things, and he even claims he has a you-know-what recording of them (she thinks this is just a bluff, but still). This is probably the main trigger of her BPD symptoms; everytime she reads his text she breaks down, her body shakes, she can't sleep, self-hurts, etc. Once she even threw her phone until it's broken. Blocking the number is no use because he always use a different one, and somehow he always know her new number every time she changes it (they have many mutual friends).
What advice would you give her? I don't know if the therapy is working well, she said they teach her to be forgiving, understanding that the man doesn't know what he's doing, he's still immature, etc. But just a week ago she said "why should I? what's in it for me?" and she's basically tired of still unable to cope with this after 2 years of consultation. I said that it's not so much about forgiveness as it is about making peace with your past. Focusing on the guy and forgiving him is difficult I think and it's reasonable for her to ask those questions.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I know from experience that something like this can truly complicate and cause great difficulty in a relationship.
Everything you've described is eerily similar to a situation I encountered with my dBPDexgf (sorry to say that the relationship could not survive, but I wish you the best of luck with your's). My ex also had an ex-boyfriend who was mentally, emotionally, and at times even physically abusive. Even after she broke up with me, he maintained an unhealthy hold on her and would do much of the same things you talked about: he would blow up my ex's phone with hurtful, abusive, manipulative texts... .blame her, accuse her of betraying him. He was obsessed and still in love with her. And my ex would react in much the same way you described your girlfriend. His hurtful words would send her into a depressive tailspin. She would shutdown, not want to get out of bed.
This ex-boyfriend sounds profoundly unstable.
In terms of advice, first things first... .She needs to instruct her "mutual friends" not to give her number to his individual under any circumstances should she change it again. If they are true friends, they should respect her wishes. Barring that though, I would tell her or anyone in this situation to simply cut off all engagement. Should he get her number and text... .immediately delete the texts without reading. He may continue sending, but continue deleting without reading or responding, and perhaps he will eventually stop.
Also, if he sexually abused her she should strongly consider pressing charges, not only for herself but to prevent future victims. In the very least, if harassment continues you could potentially use the threat of legal action against him. If he doesn't back down, tell his parents (it sounds like the ex has gone down this route in some way, shape, or form before). Tell the father that you'll press charges if he doesn't get his son under control (regardless, this is harassment and action of some kind is warranted).
If your ex is like my ex, she might be isolating herself because of this harassment. But I tried to convince my ex to reach out to her friends for support as well. Because of their BPD they seriously doubt how strongly people care for them, and thus reaching out for support is not something they do all the time. As for you, try to be there for her to listen, provide validation and support. Tell her how much she DOESN'T deserve this kind of treatment, that it isn't her fault, etc. Normally I would say not to get caught up in trying to "fix" the situation for them, but in my own case I wasn't aware of my girlfriend's BPD diagnosis so I tried to be very deferential. I simply tried to be there for her to offer support while offering suggestions for how to make the situation better. In hindsight, I wish I had tried to provide stronger assistance in making the situation better because my ex-girlfriend felt like she had no power in the situation.
Finally, I feel compelled to say something else regarding this, but I hope you do not take it in the wrong way. Based on what you've said, it sounds like your girlfriend is ready to put this behind her, and I'm very glad to hear that. HOWEVER, you may want to proceed with caution. I only say that because in my case it became apparent at the end of my relationship that my girlfriend was allowing her ex-boyfriend to constantly invade her life-and our relationship-despite her frequent protestations about how much she hated him, and how badly she wanted him out of her life. Whenever I offered suggestions there would always be an excuse, and perhaps they were completely valid, but eventually it felt like my ex was getting something out of the chaos her ex-boyfriend threw her life into, and maybe getting something out of the inevitable competition that arose between us. Again, I am in no way saying that your girlfriend is participating in this dysfunctional behavior necessarily, but it is something I would advise to consider.
More than that I would advise you to always consider how this is AFFECTING you. I remember when I was going through this with my ex, everything became about her and her needs, which isn't to say there's not a place for that when they're going through an ordeal, but something like this can lead to dysfunctional co-dependency, where you're basing everything in your life on how you're operating as a fixer, problem-solver, emotional caregiver. You start to base your self-worth on how well you're providing the needs of another person, and that's not healthy.
I'm just saying through this also try to be compassionate toward your needs as well. Months after my relationship with my ex ended, we had an emotional conversation where she told me, "I just wanted you to be strength during that situation [with her ex], and that's not who you were, but that wasn't your fault." I don't think my ex thought this was a hurtful statement, but it did hurt me deeply. The truth is that NO ONE can be your strength completely. You have to find your own strength through these situations, but people with BPD often look to another person to fill that hole in themselves, "be their strength", and that's an impossible task to take on.
Sorry, I know this was a tome, but I wish you the best with you and your girlfriend's situation. How are things currently?
