Still feel pity for my uBPD mom. How do I stop?

[Terle]

My mom is quite horrible and has been for years. I have come to a conclusion that had she not been my mom, I would have cut her loose over ten years ago. (am 28 now)

She has done so many bad things and emotionally abused me for years, but she refuses to get help, cause obviously she is well and the rest of the world is f'ed up (silly that i can't wrote that out... .)

I have withdrawn almost 100% since the new year and have only had a few setbacks. Its been easy keeping my distance when she makes sick claims that my dad is a rapist etc etc

However, once in a while she'll send me such a pathetic email (our only form of contact) that i feel pity for her. She will write how much she loves me, misses me, etc. I just dont wanna talk to her. My life is more stable without her. So i dont really wanna comply with her. She wants to know my new number and I dont wanna give it.

How do i stop feeling pity for her?

[Kwamina]

Hi Terle

I am sorry to hear your mother has treated you this way. Being emotionally abused isn't easy for a child.

It is very unfortunate indeed that she refuses to get help and doesn't acknowledge that there is something wrong with her behavior.

You ask how to stop feeling pity for her. Why exactly do you think you feel pity for her? Do you perhaps feel like you are hurting her by keeping your distance?

Or do you perhaps somewhere deep inside still hope that she really isn't that disordered at all? Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality that your mother has BPD and been able to let go of the 'fantasy' mother she never was and unfortunately probably will never be?

[Terle]

Why exactly do you think you feel pity for her? Do you perhaps feel like you are hurting her by keeping your distance?

Or do you perhaps somewhere deep inside still hope that she really isn't that disordered at all? Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality that your mother has BPD and been able to let go of the 'fantasy' mother she never was and unfortunately probably will never be?

I think i pity her because her illness has caused her to destroy all relationships so she is now almost all alone. So yeah i feel like i am hurting her, but also i know that by having her in my life she will hurt me many more times.

I feel i have accepted her illness, but perhaps my main issue with this is that i keep hoping it will go away magically by itself... .?

[Kwamina]

Hi again Terle

I feel i have accepted her illness, but perhaps my main issue with this is that i keep hoping it will go away magically by itself... .?

There are people with BPD who through hard work have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions which was reflected in their subsequent behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person acknowledges his/her issues and commits to working on them. Unless that happens with your mother, it seems unlikely she will change. Though it is true that at least some people with BPD 'mellow out' as they get older.

We unfortunately can't change our BPD loves ones if they themselves don't want to change. What we can change is our own behavior and by changing that we can change the dynamics of the relationship we have with our BPD family-members, in this case your mother, regardless of whether they change or not.

You say you don't want to give your mother your new number and I understand that. You've been emotionally abused for years so it makes sense that you've now taken certain steps to protect yourself.

Are you familiar with our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG)? Here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother used/uses fear, obligation and guilt to try to get you to do what she wants? We have an article about this subject in which several steps are listed to help you deal with 'demands' from controlling/abusive people:

Step One: Don’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter. We want to respond - not react.

Step Two: Let go of your emotional ties to being controlled, at least briefly, and try to be an independent observer. Gather the information you need to construct a wise response - one that is neither enabling nor confrontational... .Focus on the demand at hand, not all the past history. Assess how significant a particular demand is.

Step Three: Respond in a constructive way (i.e. Non-defensive communication).

Step Four: Be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses. Often things will get worse before they then get better - our resolve will be tested - this is common in any type of relationship retraining.  We need to have perseverance and confidence that both sides will eventually adjust, and it  will end or reduce the feelings of being controlled.

Step Five: Periodically evaluate the progress. Keeping a log of events, actions, and outcomes is helpful for this purpose. A lot can be learned from looking at the history - what works, what does not, and if progress is being made.  All of this should be factored into our decisions of how we go forward.

You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Take care