Enabling sister

[Help5]

I have had another exchange with my BPD sister.  In a nutshell, she now refuses to try to resolve the issues that caused all of the trauma (hacking into my email, my FB account, lying to her adult children and so on and so on) but this shouldn't surprise me!  I asked her to address the issues that I had outlined in my email (she won't return my phone calls) and she said she hadn't read it, that she said she wasn't going to hash over what has happened in the past and is honouring that.  She also claims that I have caused all of the drama.

My older sister and I came to an understanding a while ago, that if our BPD sister reacted in a vicious way towards me that she would talk to her and explain that her actions are not fair and not acceptable.  My older sister now is saying that she won't. 

Now I feel like I have lost her too.  I have read up on enabling and also talked to my therapist about it.  My therapist and I agree that my older sister should have her own relationship with our BPD sister.  I don't want her caught in the middle, but I am struggling with being my BPD sister's target and having no one come to my defense.

This has been going on for so long and I realize that to stop it, I need to remove myself from the triangle.  Easier said than done with family celebrations coming up.  Does anyone have advice on how to deal with this?  I know about boundaries, but right now I feel like I need to remove myself completely from both of them. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Help5

Your BPD sister complicates matters, but how would you generally describe your relationship with your older sister? Do the two of you usually get along well?

Sometimes it might be necessary to distance yourself from your difficult family-members to preserve your own well-being. This can be achieved in various ways and the 'distance' doesn't necessarily have to last forever. You know about boundaries, perhaps you can also benefit from the communication techniques described on this website that can help you express yourself and assert yourself in interactions with your family-members. I'm specifically thinking about the S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. techniques which can actually also be used on non-disordered family-members:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Here are links to more information about these communication techniques:

Express yourself: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

I hope you'll find this helpful

[purekalm]

Hello Help5,

I know how difficult it is to deal with a sister with BPD. There's no real normalcy because any perceived slight results in something bad for you. I am my sister's target and her enabler... .yeah messed up. But, I have made great strides at NOT being her enabler, that is currently my dad's job. Still her main target and probably always will be.

It does hurt tremendously when no one comes to your defense, especially when they said otherwise. Even knowing they may be right, you still feel betrayed.

If you need distance, I say take it respectfully. Maybe stepping back a second will help you to see the bigger picture because they get us sucked in too close real fast. Admitting that I will never have the relationship that I wanted with her, or my other sister was hard. It's a loss, like death. It is final and so it's hard to get there. But when you do and you realize that all you can do is love her, interactions or lack there of aren't so difficult anymore. You've accepted this is the way it is and are no longer mourning what should have been.

That's funny you posted those tips Kwamina because somehow along the way I figured out and implemented those techniques myself. Unfortunately, when the other person (husband) truly doesn't care for you, no progress will be made. =(   

[Help5]

Kwamina,

Thank you for your response.  In answer to your questions, yes, I have used both the DEARMAN technique and SET.  Sadly, all she can do is ignore all of my pleas for an open and honest dialogue and rage at me about how I "effed" her over and have "hurt her and her family for the last time."  I pointed out to her that none of this would have started had she not hacked into my email account and FB account and read my emails to my older sister expressing concern about our BPD sister.  I also pointed out that I have never told her children or her husband that she had hacked into the accounts and that I have protected her by not sharing this with them.  She overlooks everything and points the finger at me and declares that "this is absolutely the last time I am discussing this"  (which is confusing on it's own because there has been no discussion) and rages about how I caused all of this and how kind and generous she had been to my family before I "effed her over".  She also said that she has tried to repair the damage several times which is rubbish.  She never has. She sent back my last email unopened. 

My relationship with my older sister has been good.  She is a kind person.  What really throws me for a loop though is that she will bad mouth my BPD sister to me, yet in the next breath will tell me that she had a lovely conversation with BPD.  The message being sent to  our BPD is that our older sister is on her side, but all the while she is bad mouthing her to me and telling me that she is "coo coo for Cocoa Puffs" and "I would never hang out with her if she wasn't my sister" and that she is "bat___ crazy."  So, I get lulled into a false sense of security that we are in this together and we will try to get through it together and then she starts talking out of both sides of her mouth again. 

I just need to find my balance again and think that being NC with both of them is the way to go.  The stress has been unbelievable and the lies and deception mind boggling.   I cannot fix my BPD sister and am now disheartened by my other sister's wishy washy ways even though I have tried and tried and tried.

Purekaim, I am sorry that you too have been dealing with a similar dynamic in your family.  I know that my therapy sessions have really helped me understand BPD and all of the crap that goes along with it.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Help5

I am glad that your therapy sessions have helped you understand about BPD. It's a cliché, but when it comes to BPD, knowledge truly is power.

I can understand why you find it difficult dealing with your older sister. She behaves towards your BPD sister as if she likes her, but behind her back tells you a whole lot of negative things about her. Does your older sister (as far as you know) only do this with your BPD sister, or also with other people?

Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting yourself and your own well-being. No matter how you decide to move forward with your sisters, whether you go NC or not, I think it definitely is important to make your own well-being your number 1 priority

Take care

[Help5]

Thanks so much for the response.

My older sister has a couple of other people in her life that have caused irreparable damage to those around them.  She feels that if she doesn't continue to support those who have caused the damage, then "my faith in humanity is broken." At the same time, she will bad mouth these people and say how horrible they are!  Very confusing!

She will tell me that she "wonder why I even have a relationship with (BPD sister) but then I wonder how that would work with family."  And I understand that, as I am struggling with how my NC will affect everyone else too.  On the other hand, I appreciate that I really need to take care of me right now and my immediate family and not have my brain whirling about how I can repair things. It is not my problem to solve at this point - I cannot get my BPD sister to even read my emails or return my calls to try to resolve this, and my other sister's silence after my BPD sister attacked me is deafening.

  I just have to accept that this is the way things are, I can't change who they are and how they respond, all I can do is decide what is best for me and my own personal mental health.  Having distance will be a healthy option 

[Peacekpr3332]

Hi. I too have a sister uBPD. I have always been an enabler now that I know what that is. I'm a single mom with a physically handicap son. My sister lost her job a couple of years ago and has been relying somewhat on me to provide her a job, I hired her as an attendent for my son. My son is getting tired of it and wants more time with me and I him. More to the story here, I want to cut hours but my sister is upset and relies on me. She just got another job and I made it known it's time to cut back on hours. She keeps saying she knows, but plays the part of the 'sufferer' -FOG article-. I'm so tired of dealing with her issues  I have my own. She then throws my Christianty at me and I'm supposed to take care of her. One day at a time... .