Please talk me out of contacting.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

In my experience with my BpdH, the only feelings he wants to discuss are his own. I no longer expect empathy from him, unless we are really agreeing on something.  I slipped up last week when he showed up unexpectedly at my house and brought me things in boxes and picked up more of his stuff. He ended up spending the night and we ended up having sex.  But I was glad to see him leave. Sad too, but glad.  Spending that much time together made me realize how I DO NOT want the drama, the rage, the delusions, the extreme views, did I mention the rage?, the splitting, the victim discussions, etc. etc. My life is more peaceful. My older Pomeranian was distraught and actually pushed herself between us. She wanted him gone.  I miss him, I love him, I can't/won't live with him. Maybe you need contact to get perspective. Or, maybe you need more time away from her. I am almost 4 months into a separation, so I have had more time than you. Contact for me was not a bad thing. I still think a divorce is in our future, eventually.

[hollycat]

In my experience with my BpdH, the only feelings he wants to discuss are his own. I no longer expect empathy from him, unless we are really agreeing on something.  I slipped up last week when he showed up unexpectedly at my house and brought me things in boxes and picked up more of his stuff. He ended up spending the night and we ended up having sex.  But I was glad to see him leave. Sad too, but glad.  Spending that much time together made me realize how I DO NOT want the drama, the rage, the delusions, the extreme views, did I mention the rage?, the splitting, the victim discussions, etc. etc. My life is more peaceful. My older Pomeranian was distraught and actually pushed herself between us. She wanted him gone.  I miss him, I love him, I can't/won't live with him. Maybe you need contact to get perspective. Or, maybe you need more time away from her. I am almost 4 months into a separation, so I have had more time than you. Contact for me was not a bad thing. I still think a divorce is in our future, eventually.

[Mutt]

Mutt, I was off and felt like having a few but I think I wanted the courage to text also. I don't do any drugs and rarely drink at home.

Todd I guess i don't have a choice.

You can share on the boards if you feel triggered. We're here 24 / 7 there's always someone to talk to.

[Bigmd]

Hey Holly thanks. I think I just got to a point where I missed her so much I had to contact. Even though I know she is bad for me. 2 months out I'm still having a hard time processing. Even though I have good days too. I even met someone else that I went out with 3x already. Ughhh so confusing.

Mutt thanks this board has helped me a lot.

[cyclistIII]

I'm just gonna add my support to the "delete from phone" idea. I'm pretty sure I would have contacted my ex about 8,000 times by now if I hadn't done that immediately after he cut me out of his life... .

My older Pomeranian was distraught and actually pushed herself between us. She wanted him gone.

Hollycat, I love this detail. Dogs are smart sometimes!

[Bigmd]

That would work I guess but I have number memorized

[cyclistIII]

Hahaha, that sucks. I guess that strategy won't work then... .unless there's some sort of forgetting spell someone can do? :-P

[irishmarmot]

 Moving on with your life after a breakup with your pwBPD is really hard! And 2 months out is  just the beginning,  at least it was for me.  I am almost 2 years out and things are so much better.   The constant ruminations have stopped and i have forgotten her phone #.  I do travel tthrough her town when i go to the mountains but i have no inclination to stop there. It takes time and a lot of it to really put things to rest and i wish you the best of luck.  NC and posting here along with therapy has helped a lot. I came to understand that both my sister and mother had BPD so naturally i was attracted to the chaos of BPD relationships.  And my ex was not the first BPD i was involved with there were others that were not as obvious as the last one. Her symptoms were so textbook it was hard to ignore.   

You have to decide what is best for you and it is a lot of trial and error but eventually you will get there.

[trilen]

Hi Bigmd,

My therapist had me write down a list of the bad things (and there are plenty) that have happened throughout our relationship and read it every time I feel like I want to contact my ex. Sometimes, I leave the list out during my work day. Reading it definitely keeps me strong and away from her.

Also, you mentioned that maybe going back would relieve your current pain. That has crossed my mind many times. However, I am sure that this temporary pain is not as bad as the long term pain of getting back together with her... .daily walking on eggshells ect... .and then at some point it will end again.

Stay strong

[Bigmd]

Ok well I haven't texted her back. I will admit it's eating at me. I want to straight up ask her if she was afraid of me leaving.

[cyclistIII]

I'm going to venture a guess and say yes, she was afraid of you leaving, absolutely.

That may or may not be what she would tell you, and she may or may not have the self-awareness to even know herself that this is true, but it is.

So just go with that and don't text her. Does that work?

I am just full of useless advice on this thread!

[Herodias]

It is co-dependancy. Listen to u-tube videos on the subject. It is the withdrawal from the r/s that is making you want to call or text. It is like a drug addiction and takes at least 3 months of no contact to start to get better. I am 2 1/2 months no contact and my mind and body are fighting me! I keep wanting to cry and cry- it's ridiculous! There is no point in a recycle. You will only get hurt worse and to text or talk will be the same_believe me! I did it! Not worth it! There are lots of single people out there when you fix you first. As much as we want them to fix themselves... we must fix us! Do the work and you will be happier later... .Watch Spartanlifecoach and Ross Rosenberg on u-tube- they went through it with  BPD female's and have great advice. Good luck... .I watch a video when I am feeling like calling- it stops me every time.

[Bigmd]

blue thanks I will check them out. been really beating myself up lately. Ive been thinking about exBPD a lot and miss her. Also my ex-wife remarried on Friday and im sure she couldn't be happier. Now im stuck out here alone looking like an idiot. Sometimes I think if we could just talk maybe I could get through to her. I guess Im dreaming.

[Beach_Babe]

I'm just gonna add my support to the "delete from phone" idea. I'm pretty sure I would have contacted my ex about 8,000 times by now if I hadn't done that immediately after he cut me out of his life... .

My older Pomeranian was distraught and actually pushed herself between us. She wanted him gone.

Hollycat, I love this detail. Dogs are smart sometimes!

I second that! Mine crapped in his shoes.

[Bigmd]

Well I guess I've decided not to contact her and talk about her issues. I did text her a thank you for sending house key back . I didn't get a response. She still has more stuff of mine and I want it back. But that would mean I have to text her so I may just chalk it up as a loss. Difficult last few days as I am still in disbelief about the situation I am now in. It really does suck.