A consequence of our relationship: my trigger - needing to feel understood

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So it's been a year and a half.  I am better, not totally great yet but amazingly so much better.  I don't want her back anymore.  I miss our friendship that began when we were children and I yearn for the return of it but I am also more self aware now so I know even that friendship could never return to what it was because I can't trust her like I did previously... .like I do with my true and loyal friends, many of whom picked me up and stayed with me after I was left along side the road like a piece of trash.

That said, i now have triggers that I want to address and fix.  During her horrible emotional abuse, my words were twisted and I was made to feel like an incompetent "idiot."  She referred to me once as a achild.  I was and usualy am a pretty upbeat optimistic person who loves fo look at the blue sky and say thank you for it's beauty.  This was foreign to her and caused her to refer to me as "random."  We are both successful professionals in our early 50's.  I was lost after that relationship of chronic emotional battering.

Now, as I continue in life in my career and, in time, relationships, I find that I trigger easily if people/colleagues misunderstand me and make controlling or hurtful decisions aimed my way.  I struggle with the oversensitivity I experience as a result.  Mind you, I now realize i have always been sensitive but now it feels more officious.  Now, when i receive the silent treatment, I am aware of my hurt.  That said, I also now recover faster due to therapy and effectively communicating to my supports.  This relationship made me grow up.  It still hurts and it still truggers me but it is better.  My question is this: do others go through this need now to be totally understood? What strategies are you using to detach and recover faster?  I want to continue to recover and to experience growth and expansion as a result so looking for feedback and experience from others who have been involved with BPD's as we now know what we never did before and possess a unique insight that is helpful.  Thank you.

[Hawk Ridge]

So it's been a year and a half.  I am better, not totally great yet but amazingly so much better.  I don't want her back anymore.  I miss our friendship that began when we were children and I yearn for the return of it but I am also more self aware now so I know even that friendship could never return to what it was because I can't trust her like I did previously... .like I do with my true and loyal friends, many of whom picked me up and stayed with me after I was left along side the road like a piece of trash.

That said, i now have triggers that I want to address and fix.  During her horrible emotional abuse, my words were twisted and I was made to feel like an incompetent "idiot."  She referred to me once as a achild.  I was and usualy am a pretty upbeat optimistic person who loves fo look at the blue sky and say thank you for it's beauty.  This was foreign to her and caused her to refer to me as "random."  We are both successful professionals in our early 50's.  I was lost after that relationship of chronic emotional battering.

Now, as I continue in life in my career and, in time, relationships, I find that I trigger easily if people/colleagues misunderstand me and make controlling or hurtful decisions aimed my way.  I struggle with the oversensitivity I experience as a result.  Mind you, I now realize i have always been sensitive but now it feels more officious.  Now, when i receive the silent treatment, I am aware of my hurt.  That said, I also now recover faster due to therapy and effectively communicating to my supports.  This relationship made me grow up.  It still hurts and it still truggers me but it is better.  My question is this: do others go through this need now to be totally understood? What strategies are you using to detach and recover faster?  I want to continue to recover and to experience growth and expansion as a result so looking for feedback and experience from others who have been involved with BPD's as we now know what we never did before and possess a unique insight that is helpful.  Thank you.

[Mutt]

That said, i now have triggers that I want to address and fix.  :)uring her horrible emotional abuse, my words were twisted and I was made to feel like an incompetent "idiot."  She referred to me once as a achild.

Hi HawkRidge,

It's nice to see you again.

I think everyone has a different perspective and some people are less self aware and have little awareness of how they interact with others.

I think that it's just how they are, they have their perspective and they likely don't know better. If they don't get me, that's Ok, it doesn't make my perspective less valuable or that it means that I have less value, it's their opinion.

If I look at your example above, it's childish behavior from your ex. That's how I see it.

[Hawk Ridge]

Oh hey, Mutt! I was hoping you'd reply.  Your insights are always so valueable to me.  As I reviewed your response, I was mindful that it mirrors what I have been working on in therapy: self-love.   By responding as you do, you have the confidence and self-love necessary to back away/detach without personalizing the message, thereby gaining a higher perspective.  That is a step I oftren forget when I am in my fear and insecurity response.  Awesome reminder!  Now if I can just remember that when in the situation. :-).  Thank you! 

[once removed]

hey hawkridge 

i think i can relate. ive been oversensitive myself, and had a tendency to some extent to paint others black that i felt didnt understand me.

consciously, i think, like you, i gained more self awareness and i probably had something to do with others not understanding me; or maybe they understood me from their perspective, but i had something to do with that. first impressions are important, no? ive also come to understand like mutt said, that some people simply wont get me, and that sometimes, sure, its on them, or it just is what it is. not everyone can like me or understand me, and frankly im not sure id like myself if i had to maintain such a thing.

i think youre doing the right thing by addressing your triggers, checking them, and maintaining self awareness. have you seen a therapist? i find i will never be trigger free, i dont think anyone is, but i suspect therapy might teach you some good strategies to help manage them.

i have some difficulty with lingering anger. the wrong personality type will irk me, say the wrong things to me, slowly over time, and without much direct, assertive response from me. eventually some confrontation, however lightly i use the word, will be forced, and once i assert boundaries and stand up for myself, i feel a lot better toward that person, i find the annoying stuff they say is just them and rolls right off my back, and most importantly, i feel much better about myself. in other words, i manage the situation decently, but not to my satisfaction; i suspect i could save myself a lot of resentment and pent up irritation with better communication. can you relate?

glad to hear you are doing much better

[hopealways]

I guess everyone deals with what is really PTSD differently. I am actually LESS sensitive now (thank God). But self love I agree is the best way to get to where you want to be. One new thing I have tried is to spend a few minutes each day without my phone or computer doing something fun or creative. It makes you focus on the moment and on yourself.

[focus]

I have been reading and looking at youtube videos about complex PTSD.

A youtuber I have been paying close attention to said after a relationship with a person with some of the Cluster B PD's, if we have Complex-PTSD, the relationship may bring up some triggers from childhood trauma that we are, or were not aware of.

Might be worth exploring Complex-PTSD, and digging deep into your childhood with your therapist.

Mind you that Complex-PTSD is not DSM recognized.