This was always meant to fall apart

[Depression = 72% of members]

I want to share some insights I've had in my detachment process.

Last night I was talking to a friend whose getting her PhD in Clinical Psychology. I told her that the last night we spoke I met a women with BPD and that we ended up getting into a relationship... .And that it ended in tragedy. To this she replied, "As it only could have." We both laughed as I told her that one of my mantra since the bu has been "This was always meant to fall apart."

This point was brought home to me as I was doing some reading on neurosis, which, in a sense, can be construed as a lite form of a personality disorder. Here is what Karen Horney says about Neurosis, Freewill, and Responsibility, which i believe also clearly applies to the Borderline.

"While the impairment or loss of the directive powers may be hidden in the neurotic, there is another insufficiency that is always clearly discernible, at least to the trained observer: the faculty of assuming responsibility for self.

The compulsive factors in neuroses are so prevailing that freedom of choice is negligible. For all practical purposes we take it for granted that in general the patient could not develop otherwise than he did; that in particular he could not help doing, feeling, thinking what he did do, feel, think. This viewpoint, however, is not shared by the patient. His lofty disregard for all that means laws and necessities extends to himself too. The fact that, everything considered, his development could go only in certain directions is beneath his consideration. Whether some drive or attitude was conscious or unconscious does not matter. However insuperable the odds against which he had to struggle he should have met them with unfailing strength, courage, and equanimity. If he did not do so, it proves that he is no good. Conversely, in self-protection he may rigidly reject any guilt, declare himself infallible, and put the blame for any difficulties, past or present, on others.

Here again, as in other functions, pride has taken over responsibility and hounds him with condemnatory accusations when he fails to do the impossible. This then makes it close to impossible to assume the only responsibility that matters. This is, at bottom, no more but also no less than plain, simple honesty about himself and his life. It operates in three ways: a square recognition of his being as he is, without minimizing or exaggerating; a willingness to bear the consequences of his actions, decisions, etc., without trying to "get by" or to put the blame on others; the realization that it is up to him to do something about his difficulties without insisting that others, or fate, or time will solve them for him. This does not preclude accepting help but, on the contrary, implies getting all the help he possibly can. But even the best help from outside does not avail if he himself does not make efforts toward a constructive change."

Last night, as my friend shared her story at the A.A. meeting, she spoke of her old self. The her who lied, cheated, was unfaithful, drank and drugged excessively, spent excessive amounts of money, etc. She spoke of how deep in denial she was that she had a problem. That is, how difficult it was for her to look at herself squarely and take responsibility for her life situation.

It occurred to me then how difficult it can be for people to change. Indeed, I know this to be true. As a self proclaimed "Ex Neurotic" (with lingering neurotic tendencies of course), I know how difficult it is to change. It took soo much work on myself. And it was difficult and disheartening to look deeply at myself at times.

So, what does this mean for my detachment? It means recognizing that everyone is at a different stage of development. Some people (our expwBPD) are simply not at the point where they are ready to seek growth and change. This we have no control over, as we are only responsible for ourselves. This realization is at once tragic - as no amount of love or will on our parts can make them "see the light" - but also relieving, as it helps to illuminate the fact that the rescuer role is pointless. And with this knowledge, we can more easily disrobe and take off our knight armor. - it was really heavy anyway.

It is sad to think that our expwBPD might never come to terms with their disorders. This world is full of suffering. All we can do is do our best to be lights shining in the darkness. It's like jesus said, Let those who have ears hear, and let those who have eyes see. We are not responsible for who can benefit from our lights, we are only responsible for shining as brightly as we can.   

[Darsha500]

I want to share some insights I've had in my detachment process.

Last night I was talking to a friend whose getting her PhD in Clinical Psychology. I told her that the last night we spoke I met a women with BPD and that we ended up getting into a relationship... .And that it ended in tragedy. To this she replied, "As it only could have." We both laughed as I told her that one of my mantra since the bu has been "This was always meant to fall apart."

This point was brought home to me as I was doing some reading on neurosis, which, in a sense, can be construed as a lite form of a personality disorder. Here is what Karen Horney says about Neurosis, Freewill, and Responsibility, which i believe also clearly applies to the Borderline.

"While the impairment or loss of the directive powers may be hidden in the neurotic, there is another insufficiency that is always clearly discernible, at least to the trained observer: the faculty of assuming responsibility for self.

The compulsive factors in neuroses are so prevailing that freedom of choice is negligible. For all practical purposes we take it for granted that in general the patient could not develop otherwise than he did; that in particular he could not help doing, feeling, thinking what he did do, feel, think. This viewpoint, however, is not shared by the patient. His lofty disregard for all that means laws and necessities extends to himself too. The fact that, everything considered, his development could go only in certain directions is beneath his consideration. Whether some drive or attitude was conscious or unconscious does not matter. However insuperable the odds against which he had to struggle he should have met them with unfailing strength, courage, and equanimity. If he did not do so, it proves that he is no good. Conversely, in self-protection he may rigidly reject any guilt, declare himself infallible, and put the blame for any difficulties, past or present, on others.

Here again, as in other functions, pride has taken over responsibility and hounds him with condemnatory accusations when he fails to do the impossible. This then makes it close to impossible to assume the only responsibility that matters. This is, at bottom, no more but also no less than plain, simple honesty about himself and his life. It operates in three ways: a square recognition of his being as he is, without minimizing or exaggerating; a willingness to bear the consequences of his actions, decisions, etc., without trying to "get by" or to put the blame on others; the realization that it is up to him to do something about his difficulties without insisting that others, or fate, or time will solve them for him. This does not preclude accepting help but, on the contrary, implies getting all the help he possibly can. But even the best help from outside does not avail if he himself does not make efforts toward a constructive change."

Last night, as my friend shared her story at the A.A. meeting, she spoke of her old self. The her who lied, cheated, was unfaithful, drank and drugged excessively, spent excessive amounts of money, etc. She spoke of how deep in denial she was that she had a problem. That is, how difficult it was for her to look at herself squarely and take responsibility for her life situation.

It occurred to me then how difficult it can be for people to change. Indeed, I know this to be true. As a self proclaimed "Ex Neurotic" (with lingering neurotic tendencies of course), I know how difficult it is to change. It took soo much work on myself. And it was difficult and disheartening to look deeply at myself at times.

So, what does this mean for my detachment? It means recognizing that everyone is at a different stage of development. Some people (our expwBPD) are simply not at the point where they are ready to seek growth and change. This we have no control over, as we are only responsible for ourselves. This realization is at once tragic - as no amount of love or will on our parts can make them "see the light" - but also relieving, as it helps to illuminate the fact that the rescuer role is pointless. And with this knowledge, we can more easily disrobe and take off our knight armor. - it was really heavy anyway.

It is sad to think that our expwBPD might never come to terms with their disorders. This world is full of suffering. All we can do is do our best to be lights shining in the darkness. It's like jesus said, Let those who have ears hear, and let those who have eyes see. We are not responsible for who can benefit from our lights, we are only responsible for shining as brightly as we can.   

[cyclistIII]

We are not responsible for who can benefit from our lights, we are only responsible for shining as brightly as we can.   

This is my new favorite quote ever. Thank you for this.

[Marcie]

Thank-you for posting this on neurosis, It was a great read and inspired me to read up more on it.

[Polis_Ohio]

I feel like that was my marriage, looking back on it. We were not married long, but it was meant to fail.

She had many issues, like PTSD, and potentially borderline. I have deep rooted abandonment issues that change me for the worse in relationships (relationship chameleon to a detriment). Looking back I see what happened and what a disaster it was, I was, she was. We loved each other so much, but neither of us could articulate what we were feeling without fearing being abandoned.

I think we are both at a different spot now but I doubt there is a future for us. It is almost unfair but that is life I guess.

Realizing a relationship was a disaster from the start is terribly painful.

[Invictus01]

A direct quote from the email that I received from the psychologist I went to after my dating experience with what I suspect to be a personality disordered individual... .

"I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues!"

The hoops a person will need to jump through to stay in a relationship like that eventually will exhaust just about anybody... .it just takes longer for some than others.

[Lonely_Astro]

A direct quote from the email that I received from the psychologist I went to after my dating experience with what I suspect to be a personality disordered individual... .

"I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues!"

The hoops a person will need to jump through to stay in a relationship like that eventually will exhaust just about anybody... .it just takes longer for some than others.

This was me with my pwBPD.  For instance, today I talked to her about what lead to our latest fight.  She, of course, wouldn't accept my rationale, which is fine.  I also told her that we were at an impasse and that we both should agree that we tried to have a relationship but it just wasn't going to work.  That it was ok to fail at the relationship because we had both tried and we just weren't compatible enough to continue but made it clear I wasn't abandoning her.  I'm not sure if telling her those things were hurtful to her, but they were the truth.  I told her I had expectations going into the "new" relationship from the beginning -just as she did- (we had a "relationship" 3 years ago that ended in disaster and started a new one about a year ago after 3 years NC) and that those expectations weren't met by either of us.  It was time for us to move on with our lives.  It was liberating to finally say those words to her and face saying them out loud myself. 

I am sad.  I'm sad that it didn't work out for us.  I had desperately wanted it to, but as this title says it "was always meant to fall apart".  The past year has been rocky as hell.  It had its highs and its lows, thats for sure.  She recently started DBT (I thought it would make it better, but it hasn't), by her own doing.  Things were looking up, but it progressively got worse over the past month (devaluing me, never wanting to see me, etc) and cumulated over the weekend into a huge fight that resulted in silent treatment and her being "so angry she couldn't stand it".  So, I said I was done and threw in the towel.  Over the past year we've fought a lot over her not wanting to see me, she had lied to me about various things, and even found out she had been seeing another guy for about a month... .but like a lot of pwBPD's, I shouldn't hold any of that against her and let her live it down and move on.  But, also like pwBPD's, if I got upset over something I had no right to be angry.  I said enough was enough with the double standard BS.  I let her abuse me 3 years ago, I let her abuse me again.  No more.

Sorry for the book, I just had to get it out.

[Teereese]

This was always meant to fall apart. Powerful and true.

Looking back to the early days, I saw the signs and fought tooth and nail. I thought I could prove to someone that didn't feel he was worthy of love, that he was worthy of love.

It is helpful to find so many people in the similar situations. I felt alone for so long.

I told our therapist once, "I may just be the right girl at the wrong time." He replied,"Maybe you are the wrong girl at the right time." Ouch. He was right. I worked with the therapist on myself and gained just enough for me to hold on a little longer. I knew I was grasping for something out of reach.

Despite my gut feelings and all of the hurt over the years, my stubborn self refused to give up.

After years of trying to prove I would not abandon him, I gave him all the power to abandon me.

I have learned a lot though it all and am still learning.

I'll add to the title ... .

It was always meant to fall apart so that I could put myself back together.

[Darsha500]

It was always meant to fall apart so that I could put myself back together.

Thank you for adding this, it resonates with me so much.

I was just reflecting on an idea relevant to this actually. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and was just really astounded by how much I have changed since everything fell apart. I am not the same person anymore.

Its as if within myself their were all these fault lines, these hangups, these vulnerable areas. In a word, my neurotic tendencies. It was all of these "character defects"  (a term used in the 12 step community) that attracted me to my ex and kept me mired in dysfunction. What essentially happened, I believe, is that all of my neurotic traits were amplified during the relationship. All of my positive traits, on the other hand, were very much attenuated. As a result, I basically lost my self.

However, at the same time, I had enough wits about me to know that things were not right. I even remember the first time I realized that I was playing into the dysfunction of the relationship. As i was driving home after an insane night together, I thought, "Holly sh!t, this relationship is so dysfunctional, and i am playing a leading role in it."

When things fell apart, in fact, even prior to the end, I began examining myself. "What factors contributed to my engaging in a relationship with such a disordered person?" I had to get to the bottom of it. What I have discovered has altered my personality.

The way I see it, transference was at play throughout the entirety of the relationship. By transference I mean the tendency to reenact our old relationship patterns in new situations. David Richo says that we cast new actors for the same old roles from our youth. Having the opportunity to look at this has been so illuminating. I cannot begin to tell you the number of Parallels I have found between the dynamics of my failed BPD relationship and my relationships within my FOO. In a very real sense, many of my worst childhood fears were realized in this relationship. When I see the relationship as this continuum of the past, It makes perfect sense how things progressed. It brings new meaning to the idea that, "this was always meant to fall apart."

Its almost as if this relationship served to perform a surgery on my core wound. My core wound did not heal properly in youth. And as a result, all sorts of maladaptive neurotic processes were set in motion. This was the best I could do at the time given the circumstances I was in. It was my psyches way of preserving a kind of homeostasis. The relationship served to bring all of these neurotic patterns to the surface, all the childhood issues, everything. However, I am no longer a helpless vulnerable child. I am now a competent Adult. When my core wound got probed and poked, it essentially reopened. However, being a competent adult this time around, I was able to examine it with much greater insight. It was as if i got to see where all the scar tissue was hiding, where things had not healed properly. I then got to go in their with a scalpel and stitches and just totally clean the wound out and fix it up. Maybe not completely, but you do the work as it comes up.

And so things did fall apart, they were meant to. Circumstances happened, I was brought together with a borderline. I eagerly embarked on a relationship with her. Things fell to pieces. From the ruble I construct my new self.

[hopealways]

A direct quote from the email that I received from the psychologist I went to after my dating experience with what I suspect to be a personality disordered individual... .

"I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues!"

The hoops a person will need to jump through to stay in a relationship like that eventually will exhaust just about anybody... .it just takes longer for some than others.

IN BOLD: precisely! So let's all stop beating up and blaming ourselves for the relationships not working out, they are destined to fail as are the ones with our replacements.  It's just a matter of time.

[Hopeful83]

I cannot begin to tell you the number of Parallels I have found between the dynamics of my failed BPD relationship and my relationships within my FOO. In a very real sense, many of my worst childhood fears were realized in this relationship. When I see the relationship as this continuum of the past, It makes perfect sense how things progressed. It brings new meaning to the idea that, "this was always meant to fall apart."

Great thread, Darsha. This resonated with me SO much. I've discovered the same as I've dissected the relationship, and it's made me realise I have a lot of healing to do. My relationship with him has so many parallels to my relationship with my mother as I was growing up. I spent all these years tying my 'issues' to my relationship with my dad, when I should have also been examining the other relationship. Thanks to this falling apart, I can now hopefully heal those old wounds and find someone healthy instead.

I think we should all be proud of ourselves for using our breakups as an opportunity for growth instead of engaging in destructive behaviours or brushing everything under the carpet until the next failure, which is inevitably what would happen if we didn't do this self-work.

[DaKid]

It is sad to think that our expwBPD might never come to terms with their disorders. This world is full of suffering. All we can do is do our best to be lights shining in the darkness. It's like jesus said, Let those who have ears hear, and let those who have eyes see. We are not responsible for who can benefit from our lights, we are only responsible for shining as brightly as we can.   

This is an amazing statement. Thank you

[Darsha500]

Thank YOU guys for saying so. I really appreciate it.