Don't want to be here for his son's visit...

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh has been awful this past weekend. Late last night, when he was finally having a kind moment for me(after a particularly cruel verbal attack from him), his son called and informed his Dad he wants to come for dinner and bring his girlfriend. No notice, and our house is a mess because we are sorting out the garage, and have brought boxes into the living area to sort. BPDh didn't ask me, didn't tell his son he'd talk to me, and get back to him, nope, he just gets off the phone, and it went downhill from there.

He started frantically cleaning, and I helped, but I was still such a nervous wreck after the last four days. He took yesterday off work to stay home and it feels like he did that just to be hateful to me. He's clearly acting out. Last week he set a boundary with his daughter(finally, after four years), and I think he's angry at me over it, or at least taking his crap out on me.

Now, I don't really want to clean house all day, go shopping for dinner, fix dinner or be around tonight. I feel like cowardly just going to visit my parents and son(MY son that he kicked out of the house). This is BPDh's baby tonight, and why should I have to kill the fatted calf for a kid who I've decided secretly doesn't like me? He's had me blocked on facebook for three years, and BPDh and I have even asked him why, but I'm still blocked. It's just facebook, but I just think it's a sign that there are much bigger issues at work here.

Can I just skip tonight? Would that be wrong? I told BPDh that I wasn't up to it after the last four days, and he does know this. He just started saying that it "wasn't much to do", and saying he'd cook and such. I'd rather cook myself than have him destroy my kitchen. He can cook, but he trashes the entire kitchen, and we have a small space. If I leave, I won't know, and I'll be spared having to play nice with his son who isn't man enough to admit he has issues with me. I'm so sick of his toxic kids. I'd thought this one kid liked me, but after the latest incident of us addressing WHY he continues to block me on fb, it's pretty clear that he doesn't like me. He has everyone else in the family on his fb, including my daughter, the guy his Mom cheated with... .everyone but me.

I want to skip tonight, and just go somewhere and cry, or relax. I'm feeling stressed to the max after this hellish last four days, and I really, really wasn't up to this tonight. I'd just tell BPDh that, but he'd be so angry at me.

[lbjnltx]

Hi CB,

Sorry that you are in this position.  My dad used to make plans and invite people over for dinner without checking with my mom... .one day she said "OK, have a good time, I'll be at the movies with my friend Judy."

That was the last time he did it to her... .mind you she is the one who was keeping the house, shopping, managing the calendar, as well as the cook.  Also, he is not disordered... .just a good guy.

There will be consequences if you are not there.  Are you able to handle them?  It seems there is resentment (can't blame you for it... .I wouldn't want someone in my home who didn't like me either), is there any way to find peace with your stepson? 

lbjnltx

[Ceruleanblue]

I've actually always sort of liked my step son until recently. For one, he conned BPDh out of $4,500 for a failed business venture that I had zero say in, and we ended up broke, plus he's made zero effort to pay back any of the money. Plus, the facebook thing has been mentioned to him several times, yet he keeps me blocked. I just can't fathom WHY? I'm not asking him to add me as a "friend", yet the guy who helped break up his parents' marriage is his fb friend? They used to hate that guy, yet as time has gone on, I've become the "bad guy", even though BPDh and I met long after all this happened.

I don't care to "make peace" with step son, as we are not really fighting, I just don't want to hassle with him or his evil sisters anymore. I suspect he's been influenced by them, or he's just afraid of his Mom. About three weeks ago, he called BPDh all upset because "someone" had hacked into his facebook account and blocked ME, and his aunt(his crazy Mom's sister she hates). BPDh told him it sounded like his Mom(she has hacked him and others in the past), and step son agreed. Well, that does not negate the FACT that I've been blocked for over three years, and I fear it's really a sign that he just secretly doesn't like me.

I may take the bull by the horns, and just flat out ask him to his face why he has me blocked. I mean, if he's bold enough(and passive aggressive enough) to do that, then I should be bold enough to ask? Let him explain it, or let him squirm?

And I agree, I may just be gone if BPDh insists on having them over tonight, on such short notice, and when I'm not feeling well. He needs to realize that I need time to prepare, clean, and shop, and after this hellacious weekend, I'm just not feeling it.

[formflier]

 

I'm curious how all of this turned out?

Also curious why you helped him clean up the house, especially without him asking.

Why not just continue with your plan?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Shocker: BPDh actually listened to me when I said I really, really wasn't up to having step son and his new gf come over after four such awful days, and with so little notice. He asked step son if we could do it another time. Notice, I say "ask" because BPDh never tells his kids anything, it's always a request. It's like he has to ask their permission to sneeze. I think the only time he's gone against them was by marrying me, and reconciling with me.

I'm actually not sure why I pitched in and helped do a little cleaning. I'm now sort of mad at myself that I did that. I guess it's just such a longstanding pattern of trying to keep the peace.

It turned out step son got called into work, and also felt sick, so I got a reprieve. If I'd been up to it, I'd have done it, but I was sort of a nervous wreck after BPDh's moods and hostility those four days. I've learned to look after ME, and I'm glad I told BPDh I wasn't up to it.

Of course, BPDh IS NOT listening to me in regards to getting our xbox back from step son. He's had in on LOAN for 10 months, and I want it back so I can exercise using it, now that it's cold out. BPDh keeps saying step son will be upset, and he feels bad asking for it back. He "loans" things to his kids, and we end up having to replace them, because his kids don't want to give them back. This annoys me severely. I see this almost like stealing on their parts. Most things haven't been as expensive as the xbox, but still, so not okay. Plus, we can't afford to replace the xbox right now.

My T asked me again today why I stay, or what I'm getting out of this relationship. I mean, BPDh rarely acts like my feelings matter. This xbox thing really highlights that. He'd rather ME feel bad, than his son. He's clearly putting his adult son first, before our marriage, and in fact before his own right to get HIS xbox back.

I'm glad he listened to me in regards to this visit, but this xbox thing has been ongoing. It's getting cold here now, and I've been asking for him to get the xbox back for a solid month. I'm just so sick of how hard everything is with BPDh. This shouldn't be such an issue, but just like so many things, he's made it into a huge contest of wills. I just want to exercise using the xbox, but as always, it appears I'm going to be the one having to make do, and do without, because he can't ask a bratty, 21 year old, entitled kid for his property back. I've really, really tried to like his kids, but their hateful attitudes, excluding me, and doing this sort of crap, just makes it nearly impossible. BPDh hasn't helped the situation much either by letting them disrespect both of us, and handing them so much control. I've lost a ton of respect for my husband as a man and father, just because of all this mess. Add a PD into the whole second marriage, blended family dynamics, and it's a recipe for disaster.

[OnceConfused]

Add a PD into the whole second marriage, blended family dynamics, and it's a recipe for disaster.

That was why I quickly jumped out of the r.s. with xBPDgf. Just by her calling my kids, B*tches, I can see how wonderful it would be for me for the next 20 years with her being my children's step mother.

[formflier]

I guess it's just such a longstanding pattern of trying to keep the peace.

I think you have nailed it... . 

This is bigger... .much bigger... .than exactly what to do when your hubby does this or that.  This defines the "rules" of the dynamic. 

Hubby acts up and messes up "the peace"... .you fill the roll of peacemaker.

How do you feel about the role that you play in your r/s?

Who has the power to change this dynamic.

CB,

I've been rooting for you for a long time!      I think this thread could be a huge one for you.

FF

[formflier]

My T asked me again today why I stay, or what I'm getting out of this relationship.

What was your answer?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I think I've already made a lot of changes in the "keeping the peace" department. I don't always do that, but I definitely did when he wanted me to help clean the house when I was feeling awful. Normally, I'm pretty good at taking the time and considering if it's something I want to do, and the message it is sending, but again, I think I just did it because I wasn't even up to doing that. In this case, I decided not doing what he wanted was going to earn ME more grief, and no telling where that would have gone: divorce threats, him getting physical maybe, who knows? I guess looking back it wasn't just me keeping the peace, I think it was somewhat of a calculated choice because of how I knew he was likely to react. I guess which path I take sometimes depends how up for the consequences I am.

I think at times it's a case of having to choose your battles, sort of like when you are raising kids. I mean, pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a kid at times. Sometimes, I go along to make MY life easier, it's really not just about keeping BPDh happy.

Then there are times when I know I just shouldn't back down. Like the other morning when he woke me and said he was taking my SUV, when I've set a hard boundary about him driving my car, and leaving me stranded. He went so far as to say it was raining, and we have a skylight, and I could clearly hear it was NOT raining. I told him "no", I really meant my boundary, and he could ride his motorcycle, that I wasn't being stranded at home(whether I needed the car or not). After he left on his motorcycle, I looked out the window, and it had rained, but it clearly was not when he said that, or when he left. He LIED. It's hard to uphold this boundary, but I got sick of being stranded, and he shouldn't have blown the insurance check after his car got totaled, or he should have kept his car, which was at least still able to be driven.

To me, this is a boundary to defend, and not back down on. Especially when he won't compromise on even little things, and keeps putting others before my feelings, or things I could use(like the xbox). I only wanted to use the xbox until he buys a new one in a couple months, and then he could actually GIVE the xbox to his son. This is just one case in hundreds of how he puts his kids or himself as a priority over our marriage, or my feelings. It makes keeping the car boundary a lot easier, and if he was a more reasoning man, he'd figure that out. I mean, you can't be a complete and utter narcissist, and expect to have a healthy marriage!

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier:

You asked me how I felt about holding the role peacemaker, and I can honestly say: I HATE IT!

I do think I've made some progress in this area, but how he acts/reacts can be so severe, that it is sometimes worth it to go along, as long as it's not a deal breaker of my core values. It also does not happen as often as it used to, and I've recently established a boundary where I'm not going to be compromising nearly as much, because it was just leading to resentment. This all went down last weekend.

There was such a huge imbalance in the area of compromise in our relationship(he got mad, did something punitive to me, and I realized I had to set this boundary). I compromised so often, and would later feel resentful and angry, because when I'd ask for something(remember the xbox), he'd flat our refuse. We are talking I'd compromise on huge issues, like me not living with my son(HUGE issue), yet he refuses to acknowledge my huge compromises, or make even small ones for me.

This was all last weekend, and he's still not used to it. Just last night, he asked me if I wanted to go to his cousins to watch football this weekend, and where I'd normally see this as a compromise I could make, I said no. Why? Because he'd just again refused to ask his son for the xbox back that I need right now. If he's going to continue to make bad decisions, that hurt our marriage, and make me see that I'm last priority, then I'm done knocking myself out by way of compromise for HIM. Simple as that.

[formflier]

I think at times it's a case of having to choose your battles, sort of like when you are raising kids. I mean, pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a kid at times. 

I would challenge you to look at this from the point of view of a "kid" and see if your actions look "consistent" or if it looks like sometimes "he gets away with it" and sometimes he doesn't.

I think that is is MORE important with a pwBPD to be consistent... .than it is when raising a kid.

So, if you find yourself making a decision because of "fear" of a consequence... .in this case... .you know he would have raged... .

You are making big changes in your life... .I applaud you for this.  Keep it up.   

Don't take my comments as anything other than a supportive challenge to do better... .to keep striving for CONSISTENT... .boundary enforcement.

Keep it up... I really think you are about to turn a big corner.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, even looking back on it, I can't say I'd have stood my ground and refused to help with housework. I mean, to me, it was a small thing to avoid a possibly huge conflict. I don't even see this as not being "consistent",  because I'd never had any sort of boundary surrounding housework, or having his son over. I also sort of feel like because I pitched in, it made BPDh more willing to give me those couple days, and ask his son to do it another time.

Now, that doesn't always work, where doing good, or compromising, begets the same for me, in fact, it almost never does. In this example though, maybe it did. I felt if I'd gotten irate, or refused to help, it just would have become ugly. I'm willing to take a stand on things that really matter to me, but the small ones, I feel it's better for our marriage to sustain some flexibility, even if BPDh doesn't.

I don't take your advice as criticism at all. Trust me, I get a lot of that from BPDh, so I more than know what that looks like. I have to say, unless it's something major, I'm getting better at blowing off his constant criticism now. He likes to be negative, and grumble, so why should I take that personally? His reality is often so skewed, it makes it hard to take it personally. I'll do something NICE, and he'll ascribe ugly motives, or twist it. I used to be so offended, and hurt, but now I just think "how crazy is that", and move on. He sees what he wants to see, not what it actually there. WHY he'd want to think badly of me, I have no idea, I just know that getting all worked up over it is so not worth it.

I like ME, I think I'm a good, kind type of person who tries hard to do the right thing. I'm smart, I'm told I'm pretty, and I know how hard I try to be good to everyone. I have a lot to offer, I have a playful personality, and if BPDh can't see all of this, it's HIS issue, not mine. I've gone "over and above" what anyone should have to do with his PD kids, and now I'm just over dealing with that. I've wasted too much of my life trying so hard with people who just want to be miserable.

I am in a good place(other than last weekend, and I think I recovered from that crapfest pretty fast), and I am keeping my boundaries, and I feel really good about that. I really think a lot of this I'm getting off BPDh might be extinction bursts. He's used to me backing down, or going soft on boundaries, and I haven't been doing that for some months now.

I just keep reminding myself that I matter(which I always knew, and probably where a lot of my resentment and indignation over how he treated me came from), and that they only way I'll get respect, or not be put in a bad place, is if I keep MY boundaries. BPDh may not respect me(not many people he does), but he's having to respect my boundaries, or I withdraw to protect ME. Guilt also isn't working for him the way it used to. Ha!

[formflier]

Well, even looking back on it, I can't say I'd have stood my ground and refused to help with housework. I mean, to me, it was a small thing to avoid a possibly huge conflict. I don't even see this as not being "consistent",  because I'd never had any sort of boundary surrounding housework, or having his son over. I also sort of feel like because I pitched in, it made BPDh more willing to give me those couple days, and ask his son to do it another time.

I would hope you could "back up" a bit and look at it not as a one time thing... .but as a pattern...

Very much like you are the peacemaker and you don't want to fill that role anymore... .I would look at the "consistency" of the cleanup/change of plans thing.

Your husband made plans without you and expected you to jump on board and do his bidding.  You went along with it and played the role... .and felt pretty bad about it for a number of very valid reasons.

I think the thing where you should be consistent is that your hubby can make plans for him... .but not for you... .without a discussion where a "no" on your part is OK.

I get it... .that will be a long way off.

What would your life be like if 1 year from now... .hubby gets a call from his son.

He then walks in to talk to you and says... ."Hey honey... .my son would like to come over this evening.  I told him I would get back to him on this in a while so I could talk to you first about it.  I would really like to do this, but it would mean a change of plans today and I would need some help cleaning up.  What do you think?"

How does that interaction seem compared to what actually happened?  Which would you rather have in a year?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, he's the ongoing saga. We are halfway through our day, and BPDh springs on me that "oh, MY SON just called, and he wants to come tonight with his gf", said in that snively voice I hate when he talks about his kids. I have kids, and I do not act all mushy and kiss butt when I talk about them. Weird, just weird. So, I ask him if we can talk about this, and that sets him off. He starts saying "it's obvious you don't want him to come tonight!", and other crap along those lines. I clearly stated that BPDh should have reminded me(if he ever even initially told me Sunday was the day that had gotten rescheduled for), so I'd have known way earlier in the day. I think he springs this crap on me deliberately. It's like a set up, then he feels justified for getting mad at ME, and venting on me.

Well, I kept insisting we talk about when is best, even when he was just going to fire off a text to his son, yet he hadn't talked to ME yet, and this involves ME, big time. I asked him to have a calm discussion where we both weigh in, and for him to not get angry. Usually, that technique would NOT work, but because he so badly wants his SoN to come over, he decided to talk. I told him we could rush around, clean up, and just do a lot on super short notice. But if he didn't want the rush, he could delay it again, leaving the choice up to BPDh.

Of course he wanted to rush around, have me do lots of work, and he did too, but when I asked him for some muscle power on something I was having an issue with, I got a flat out "NO". What a crappy person. What sort of husband won't help his wife when she asks for help? I hardly ever ask for help(and just last week he got upset because I wouldn't ask him for help), but I don't, because this is what I get "NO". It's all some sickening power and control game with him. So after his refusal to help me with something I really needed his help on, and his refusal, I went into the bedroom, and called my efforts on this ":)ONE".

I'll have to cook and clean up later, because you know, I'm expected to kill the proverbial fatted calf for HIS kid. Nevermind that just yesterday, BPDh wouldn't go with me to visit MY son, because he was annoyed that my 17 year old kid needed an x-ray from playing football. Seriously, he got all mad, said it was only a sprain(BPDh hadn't seen my kid's wrist, so how would he know?), and said doing that was NOT his idea of a fun day, even if it was with me. He's a class act. But today, I'm supposed to play nice with his son who clearly is having some issues with me?

How do you get past the total unfairness, and how they want us to dote on them, their kids, make THEIR lives wonderful, but when we need something, we are on our own. It's crap, and I'm afraid I may run my mouth for the FIRST TIME EVER, with one of his kids.

[formflier]

How do you get past the total unfairness, and how they want us to dote on them, their kids, make THEIR lives wonderful, but when we need something, we are on our own. It's crap, and I'm afraid I may run my mouth for the FIRST TIME EVER, with one of his kids.

First of all... .  

They will want... .what they want. 

As I read your story, I cringed a bit when you offered about "we". 

If YOU need proper heads up to have guests... .then it is up to YOU to enforce that.  You tried the we thing and your hubby was grumpy anyway. 

Basically... .I'll say this directly... .it seemed like you were way too nice. 

I was raised to be a nice gentleman.  Ladies first and all that.  That sort of morphed into ladies get what they want because I'm nice.

I'm sure I come across as a bit of a a$$ sometimes when enforcing boundaries, but I'm to the point now where I'm like "Oh well... "  The boundary is much more important than "niceness".

Note:  Very different than "intending" to be mean.  But if nice takes an edge off or "blurs" a boundary... .avoid nice.

CB... .it's OK to tell him no. 

It's also OK for him to tell you no (in a nice way).

I really have the feeling you are at a turning point.  I think I've said this several times... .I'm rooting for you.

FF

[flourdust]

I had a similar situation last month. After several days of hostilities, my wife sprung on me that she had invited three friends from her choir over for dinner on Sunday.

Now, the house is a mess, because I'm the only person who cleans, and I've pretty much given up on everything but the essentials. And there's no dinner planned for Sunday, and I'm our primary cook. And I'm feeling that this is a bit of a passive-aggressive swipe at me, to invite people over without even checking with me.

I didn't argue about it. I didn't even ask any questions. I just acknowledged that she told me.

I didn't clean. I didn't cook. I decided that I was willing to help if asked to do specific things, but that there would be limits to how much I helped. As it happened, she ended up cooking most of the dinner herself. She asked me to make a side dish the day before, and I agreed. She got upset and wanted to argue about my side dish, but I made it anyway. I attended the dinner, and didn't try to sabotage it or save it. I was just there, being perfectly pleasant, and ignoring the fact that the house was still a huge mess.

[formflier]

 

Flourdust,

Nice work!

Any fallout after the dinner?

How did you feel about this after dinner was over?  Was it weird to step out of your "role"?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

This crap just defies description, sometimes. Dinner is almost ready(super late dinner at nearly 9:00, to accommodate his son), and he calls, and says they can't make it. Apparently someone in front of them hit a deer, and they drove over the remains. The car is drivable, but he feels his gf is too shaken up to come? What the heck? What has happened to manners? No one is hurt, the car is fine, but they just decide to not come? We spent money we didn't have to spare, I spend hours cleaning, as did BPDh, and they could have come, but I feel chose not to.

BPDh at my request called his son back to see if the car could be driven, and yeah, it could be, and he said "food is almost ready, why not just come over". but NO. This kid makes us dance to his tune, and he's SPOILED, and inconsiderate. BPDh got mad because while he was on the phone with his son, I said a little loud in the background that next time the menu will be hot dogs. I often tease and joke with this kid, so only BPDh is offended.

I did tell BPDh that after over half my day was wasted on this effort, and money we didn't have to spend(according to BPDh, who handles finances), that I'm not going to all this bother again. This has been too long trying to get his son so pin down a date, then it's last minute(that's BPDh's fault), and I don't go to this huge effort for MY KIDS, so why do I have to for HIS?

I'm more than fed up with this double standard, and I'm setting a firm boundary about what I will and won't do for the "next time", because I'm just sure that dear Daddy is going to want to make this up to poor widdle sonny boy. Yuck, just yuck. He can't be kind when my kid is hurt, but his son is the golden boy.

[formflier]

 

 

you are in complete control of what you do for next time.

Remember today... .it will give you energy and drive to hold your decisions about next time.

FF

[flourdust]

Flourdust,

Nice work!

Any fallout after the dinner?

How did you feel about this after dinner was over?  Was it weird to step out of your "role"?

FF

No fallout, surprisingly. The dinner went well, so she was pleased. It was weird for me to not be the rescuer - as it was, I mostly enjoyed it, though I did remind myself not to engage from time to time. I just acted like another guest.

[Ceruleanblue]

Flourdust:

Good job! I may take some pointers from you, because I'm not going all out for the next time step son decides to drop in. Of course, BPDh suggested we just take them out to dinner, but when we do that, step son always orders the most expensive steak, drinks, appetizers, you get the picture. It's like his kids were raised to be totally narcissistic, and have no manners. So when we take both sets of our kids, my kids end up getting less, because I taught them manners.

BPDh is worried about how tight finances are now, but he wants to go drop quite a bit of money this Thursday, treating his son to what will be an expensive dinner out(plus his girlfriend). I'm dieting, and do one cheat meal a week, and BPDh just shot me down for that citing "we can't afford it". Why am I so easy to say "no" to, but he gives everyone else a "yes".

He even shot me down today when I asked for a bit of his help doing something. Not sure how to deal with that, but I know next time he needs my help, I'm not going to just go running, as per my usual. I'll probably feel badly if I don't help(unlike him), but I'm going to be way more selective about it. Sometimes people need to reap what they sow.

[formflier]

Flourdust:

because I'm not going all out for the next time step son decides to drop in.  People need to reap what they sow.

Are you a numbers person? I am.  So... this suggestion may not work for you.

I would say if you shoot for 10% of the effort the "normal" CB would have put out... .that you will probably get it right.

Yes... people need to reap what they sow.  But you don't need to worry about that.

If you "make sure" that happens... .you are judge, jury and executioner for someone else.

Make good solid decisions for YOU... .don't rescue your hubby... .don't persecute or get even.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm not looking to "get even", I just happen to agree with my therapist, that there needs to be times when BPDh feels the natural consequences, or fallout,  of things he's done. She said that if he makes decisions that involve me and not consult me, and this is definitely one of them, that I don't just have to just go along. She said at some point, I'll need to just let it be on him, and that is protecting me, and it's a natural consequence for him.

Otherwise, I end up resentful, and angry over how much effort I put it, with zero appreciation from BPDh, yet when I would appreciate the same, HE refuses. Seriously, this dinner when his son stood us up, happened the DAY after BPDh refused to accompany me back home to get my son a quick Xray, and was in fact mad that I wanted to do so. Complete and utter double standard. Heck, getting an xray didn't involve hours of shopping, cooking and housework!

And he expects me to do it all again on Thursday, or blow a couple hundred on going out. I don't want to be judge, jury and executioner, I just want to have more say in what "I" do, without him getting so angry, or using guilt.

It just feels like he's so manipulative, and uncompromising, that HE only cares about him, which is actually true. He's so narcissistic, that he can't see how resentful I'm feeling when  he expects me to put out so much effort for his kid, yet he's been so evil to mine.

I'm trying to be FAIR, with a person that has no concept of what fair or balanced or "do unto others" is. What do you suggest for that?

[flourdust]

I just want to have more say in what "I" do, without him getting so angry, or using guilt.

There's the crux. You can't have it both ways. You can do what you want to do, or you can do whatever you think will keep him from being angry with you.

I decided to start doing what I wanted to do, and damn the consequences. It's not an easy path, but it does make me feel like I'm making decisions in line with my values, and not out of FOG.

[sweetheart]

I just want to have more say in what "I" do, without him getting so angry, or using guilt.

There's the crux. You can't have it both ways. You can do what you want to do, or you can do whatever you think will keep him from being angry with you.

I decided to start doing what I wanted to do, and damn the consequences. It's not an easy path, but it does make me feel like I'm making decisions in line with my values, and not out of FOG.

flourdust is right you either do what you want which feels right for you. You use the lessons to help you disengage from your h's dysregulations and practice Radical Acceptance.

Or you carry on in this 'quid pro quo' mind set that just keeps breeding resentment, anger and general unhappiness for you both where nothing changes.

You've been going at this stuff awhile now CB, do you feel stuck or have things improved for you?

I hear in your posts a lot of resentment and frustration that your h 'just isn't changing' and that he isn't 'putting in as much as me' and 'his family are all the same as him' - it seems to me that these areas are givens as not for changing and yet I sense that you still expect them to... .

Where are you with making plans for a college course and creating a life more independent from your h, how is that progressing?

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I do think he's made some progress, as have I, but I feel he only did so because he felt I might walk. I've made changes in my own life because "I" wanted to, or felt I needed to, but I did make some changes to accommodate BPDh, too. Before we reconciled, a few of those went against my core values, this time around, I didn't do that. I think the resentment comes in because he still expects that, and I'm not caving in to him(on the larger issues), and he resents that. Sure, I'll help clean up, or sometimes cave to keep the peace(trying to do that less too), but I'm pretty firm on my boundaries, and he keeps pushing, or trying to create wiggle room in them.

I do not expect his kids will likely ever change, but I do think BPDh has times when he wants to. Ironically, I feel the fact that some of his kids are incommunicado, is more of a driving factor for him to work his DBT, and make changes than the fact that two women have had the same issues with him. Verbal and physical abuse stink, as does constant lying and projecting. I'd like him to take some accountability, but I realize that's thinking as a "non", and that isn't likely to ever happen.

I don't feel as stuck as I used to, actually. I come here to vent, so you guys hear all this, so I don't have to unload it all on BPDh, or my family. Plus, my family(and some of his), just think he's a really weird, abusive jerk, and really don't understand that this is a mental disorder. I am using the tools in large part, but some of them just aren't super effective with BPDh, such as validating. That's never proven to be as effective as I've heard it has been for some. Heck, I'd love to be validated, even just a tiny bit, but BPDh lacks the ability to relate or empathize with others.

I actually took on a project that is a potential money maker, and might make it hard to do the college thing full time, but I may still check into taking a class or two. I'm actually not nearly as unhappy as I was a year ago at this time, things have improved some, but I just feel that if I give BPDh an inch he expects more and more, and I'm super big on compromise, but I can't keep being the only one who does it.

I do have enough money saved up I think for if I have to get away from him. I always have somewhere to go, so I'm not worried about that. It's not starting over that keeps me here, it's more that I see some promise, and that I believe in honor(my vows), and that we have times when things are good. I'd just like for those times to become more frequent, and have less of the meltdowns. Even though I've become way better at dealing with them, it's still draining, and just not something I'd ever dealt with in my FOO.

[formflier]

I'm trying to be FAIR, with a person that has no concept of what fair or balanced or "do unto others" is. What do you suggest for that?

My answer is not going to "feel" fair... .

If you have sorted out what you think is a fair and equitable way to conduct yourself in your marriage... .then do so. 

"Honey, I'm available to help you entertain on one night this week".   "I need to know which night that is by Monday night in order to prepare."

So... .on Tuesday when he states... .demands... .asks... .whatever that Thursday be the night.  You decline.   No drama or explanations... .just decline and move along.  Let him know you are great with Thursday of the following week.  Don't discuss this week any more.

If he demands to spend money outside of the budget.  You can say no.  If he does it anyway, then you protect the money that you control.  He will do what he will with the money he controls.

Unfortunately... .you don't get to pick what he "feels"... .if he "feels" burn from his actions.  Please don't focus on that.

FF