Ever dread the weekend?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After last weekend, I'm sort of feeling dread about how this weekend might turn out. He's back on his medication, but I'm assuming it'll take a bit for it to build back up. Heck, he's not easy, even on meds. Plus, he hasn't been to his DBT for weeks.

It would be so nice to just look forward to spending time with BPDh. I remember when we were dating, I couldn't wait to see him, and spend time with him. You know, back when he was acting like the most laid back, easy going, understanding guy ever. My T asked me this week if I ever wished he'd just start being the fake nice guy he was when we dated  . I was like "yeah, and I've even told him that, but it just angers him". I do think that some with BPD can control it a lot more than they do, or a lot more than they let on to us.

So, I'm trying to come up with a proactive plan for ME, for this weekend. I plan on not engaging in anything that might cause him to dysregulate(this is sometimes unpredictable though), and if he does start, I'm going to walk away. I'm open to other ideas. I'm just not up to another one of the roller coaster weekends he so enjoys.

[Ceruleanblue]

After last weekend, I'm sort of feeling dread about how this weekend might turn out. He's back on his medication, but I'm assuming it'll take a bit for it to build back up. Heck, he's not easy, even on meds. Plus, he hasn't been to his DBT for weeks.

It would be so nice to just look forward to spending time with BPDh. I remember when we were dating, I couldn't wait to see him, and spend time with him. You know, back when he was acting like the most laid back, easy going, understanding guy ever. My T asked me this week if I ever wished he'd just start being the fake nice guy he was when we dated  . I was like "yeah, and I've even told him that, but it just angers him". I do think that some with BPD can control it a lot more than they do, or a lot more than they let on to us.

So, I'm trying to come up with a proactive plan for ME, for this weekend. I plan on not engaging in anything that might cause him to dysregulate(this is sometimes unpredictable though), and if he does start, I'm going to walk away. I'm open to other ideas. I'm just not up to another one of the roller coaster weekends he so enjoys.

[flourdust]

I dread every weekend and I dread every night.

Most nights, we are apart. Maybe I'm hoping we'll spend time together doing something pleasant or even just civil. But she picks a fight, or takes offense, or decides we need to have a "talk" (that then leads to a fight, sure as night follows day), and I usually walk away when I can't take it any more. So, when bedtime comes (and I put it off as late as I can), I go downstairs to the bedroom. But first I look at the guest room and remind myself that I can sleep there. That I'm ready for that. That it's my choice. So I work up my nerve and head downstairs to see if the dragon in her den is asleep or waiting to breathe fire.

Weekends are usually bad. No worse than weeknights, but because we are often together all day, there are more opportunities for the fights and rages. She will often go off on me because we (that means me) haven't planned the weekend sufficiently. If it was "planned," then she wouldn't have any opportunity to rage at me, I suppose. I took this at face value for a while and gamely tried to schedule planning meetings, but she usually dysregulated during them. Now I just grit my teeth and try to get through it.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, I too dread weekends and weeknights. My BPDw either works or studies or is verbally abusive. So, I just stay out of her way. I go out for most of the day when she is around, because she wants to study, and it's easier for her to study, if I'm not around. She says I don't have to leave, but if I'm around, I remain stuck in my room so as not to bother her. So, that's why I leave for most of the day. Yeah, I wish the original woman whom I have loved was back, but she said that she has been pretending all of her life. Now, she is being rebellious, and we don't have time together. I called her on her pretending remark, saying that she was being a fake. Of course, she didn't like that, but it's the truth.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, this weekend has turned out to be another not so nice one. My son hurt his wrist playing football, but BPDh didn't think I should take him for an X-ray, and stated that this wasn't how he wanted to spend his weekend. He babied his kids and still does even as adults, but I can't get my teen son an X-ray. I did it amyway! Doctor looked at it and thought it was broken, but the X-ray seemed okay. I stayed gone all day just so I didn't have to be around angry BPDh.

This meant I got to spend time with my son. BPDh wanted me to come home, so I did. After I'd gotten in bed he was talking to me, I said something back, he'd gome to sleep apparently, and he got super angry saying I'd woken him up. I got right up and went to the spare bed. I am done being raged at, talked down to, and done sticking around as if it's okay. I'll leave his presence every time he does it. He might do it, but he's goimg to be talking to my back walking away.

I fear what he'll be like tomorrow. He'll probably be mad that I chose to sleep elsewhere. I came home at his request and he still got mad. I do not need this crap. He likes the drama maybe, but I don't. I felt sleeping with him after such disrespect would give him the message that I'm okay with that, and I'm not.

I can't keep taking verbal abuse, just to keep the peace. It never does anyway.

[flourdust]

I fear what he'll be like tomorrow. He'll probably be mad that I chose to sleep elsewhere. I came home at his request and he still got mad. I do not need this crap. He likes the drama maybe, but I don't. I felt sleeping with him after such disrespect would give him the message that I'm okay with that, and I'm not.

I can't keep taking verbal abuse, just to keep the peace. It never does anyway.

I know exactly what that's like. Exactly. Especially your last sentence. When I started enforcing my boundaries and walking away from the rages, I validated myself by saying that enduring them never made her any happier and made me feel like ___. At least by getting away, I make myself feel a bit better, and I feel that I have some control over my own life -- that part definitely feels better. It doesn't make the raging any more pleasant, though.

[flourdust]

For me, this weekend started out ... .OK.

I spent the entire morning having her car serviced for her, because she's refused to do this for a year. When I came home, I briefed her on the car. She was a little touchy but didn't fly off the handle. Then she wanted to bring up a two-month old circular argument.

(Basically, she's been complaining in a passive-aggressive way about how exhausting it is for her to have to care for our daughter after school. Finally, I asked if she wanted me to help her with this, and I said I had found some materials on some activities and the like to share with her. I had tried to share the materials with her once, but she blew up because she felt "blindsided." Apparently, there are times when I can't talk to her about something without multiple days notice of the conversation.)

So, two weeks after blowing up at me when I offered to share the materials with her, she asked about them. But she didn't ask if she could see them or if we could talk about them -- instead, it was ten minutes of a circular argument blaming me for not doing this or for doing it without her knowing what I was doing or... .something. I really can't follow the logic. All I know is that she claims that she needs and wants help (because parenting is too hard for her -- OK, that's me being a bit snarky), but can't actually execute a simple conversation about that help. Instead, it's a conversation about why it's my fault we're not having that conversation, etc. Does this sound familiar at all?

Anyway, I walked away, and she called me a name.

In the evening, she was in a better mood, and I tentatively suggested watching TV. (This is a huge deal. The number of evenings we've been able to spend together without it erupting into warfare in the last few months I can count on one hand.) She wouldn't say yes or no but began another circular discussion. This one was mostly calm, and I figured out that she wanted to feel like we had accomplished something before we could have a "reward" like spending time together. Personally, I think that spending positive time together is a way to help repair the relationship so we can better have these difficult conversations, but I'm not the conductor on this crazy train. I managed to negotiate that we would talk about planning the weekend and then watch TV. It took two separate conversations (with a frustration break for me in the middle) before we were able to have the planning talk. It was weird and illogical, but we did it, and then we watched TV for a few hours together. It was quite pleasant, and the night ended positively.

Yesterday, she started the day by getting frustrated that D10 couldn't find her headband, so she yelled at both of us. She also rewrote history, claiming she had been somewhere she hadn't. She was pissy up to the point when we left the house. Then she read a Facebook joke to me, then complained that I didn't acknowledge that this was her "trying." Trying what? I no longer expect the basic courtesy of an apology for her yelling, not that this was recognizable as one.

Later in the day, she had a huge headache she was fighting and had a sensory meltdown at the mall. D10 and I had to very gently guide and coax her out to the car, take her home, and put her to bed.

Not the worst day.

Today, she slept until 11:30, then got up long enough to complain that neither of us cared about her headache the way she cared about us. She had work to do, so she has been using the laptop in bed all day, in her robe, while I've been hosting D10's playdate and doing things around the house. At one point, she said she was hungry, and asked what we had for lunch. I mentioned some leftovers, and she started whining that she didn't want them, and we hadn't planned the weekend, and that's why there was nothing else to eat. I mentioned some stuff in the pantry, and then she blew up because I had "interrupted" her. She started shrieking about all the things bothering her. I said that sounded rough, and she said that if that was validating, I was terrible at it, and did I want to be praised for it? I was tired of the shrieking and told her to text me if she wanted something.

Later, I went to look for the sewing kit to mend a pair of slacks. (I had mentioned this to her a few weeks ago and she had volunteered to do it. Of course, it didn't get done, and it's easier for me to do all the chores than try to get her to do anything -- see the car, above.) I couldn't find the sewing kit, she couldn't find it, D10 couldn't find it, and she totally lost it, screaming at D10 (with her friend right there), screaming at me, calling me a baby, a child, a f***ing idiot. The kids fled outside, and I retreated to another room to do my mending with an amenity kit from a hotel room.

That's been the weekend so far. Sorry this was so long ... .it was therapeutic to write.

It's interesting that I said it started off OK. I guess I've come to view only needing two hours of circular arguments and blame to negotiate an agreement to watch TV together to be a huge success.

[Ceruleanblue]

Flourdust: As someone that loves to bake, I appreciate your user name.

A lot of what you wrote sounds familiar. Mostly the blame and projection. For you, as a man, the fact that she can get you to communicate, tells me a lot about how hard you are working on things. I can't get BPDh to communicate, almost at all. It's just all me trying to get him to communicate, but he stonewalls. Now, I'm lucky if he even answers me when I speak to him directly. I find that so arrogant, not to mention immature, and passive aggressive.

We just got done doing a huge clean up around here, our second one in week, all for his son coming over(last time he ended up not coming). BPDh tells me just hours before his son wants to bring his girlfriend to dinner, so I had lots to do, and still am not sure what I'll cook. This is his son, and I feel it was BPDh's job to let me know when he'd be coming, and to give me SOME NOTICE! I think he springs this crap on me so that it's not a war beforehand. I've always gotten along with his son, but recent happenings have sort of showed me that he may be harboring anger toward me. I would like BPDh to address this, just to get things out in the open, instead of the complete avoidance he usually does.

Plus, yesterday, BPDh didn't want me to go get my 17 year old son x-rayed, after a football injury, and he resented the time I spent with my son(which was partly pure avoidance of being around BPDh, after he refused to come with me). I mean, he won't come spend time with me and my son, he complained about him getting injured, but I'm supposed to kill the proverbial fatted calf for his son? Yeah, this angers me.

I'm not really wanting to play nice tonight, but I always do. I'm just sick of the sickening double standard.

Vent away. I find it helps me to do that too, then I'm less likely to have a weak moment, and let BPDh have it  

[Lucky Jim]

he resented the time I spent with my son(which was partly pure avoidance of being around BPDh, after he refused to come with me).

Hey Cerulean, I'm sorry to hear about all the stress you are under.  Your quote (above) is so typical of the paradox that is BPD.  He refused to come with you, yet resented the time you spent with your son.  Hello?  You can't have your cake and eat it, too.  No wonder you wanted to avoid hanging out with him.

Like you, I used to dread the weekends, when it was more likely for my BPDxW to become enraged and blow her top.  I came up with reasons to spend time away from her.  For example, I took up beachcombing for pottery shards and beach glass, in order to spend time alone.  Now that we're apart, I don't feel the need to pursue this hobby anymore!

Let's just say that I have "been there, done that" and understand your challenge.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

Why is it I read so many other people's stories and just think "yep - could be me"! 

So much of the above drives me crazy. The biggest one for me, is the resentment. She doesn't want to plan, doesn't want to do anything, just wants to be at home playing candy crush, then gets annoyed that I never take the kids anywhere or do anything. But if I go and do something (with or without the kids) - she'll most likely not come with me, but she'll resent that I've had a good time, that I've connected with the kids, that I've enjoyed myself.

And rather than decide to try to JOIN me and be happy, she'd prefer to berate me and try to make me feel bad for leaving her.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... .