Guilt over going NC?

[Charlie3236]

My dBPD sister has created so much damage to our relationship and even between myself and other family members, that I've decided NC is the best way to go (well almost, I'll still see her at family events). The problem is I feel a lot of guilt over cutting her off emotionally. Even though I know it is the only way. Has anyone else experienced this, and how did you cope?

[HappyChappy]

Yep. Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is how a BPD traps us in the first place. However what matters is knowing what is best for you. NC doesn’t need to be forever and if you’re still hooking up at family meetings, many would call that low contact LC.

Remind yourself of the following:

1)   You need to look after yourself first, before you can help your sister. And NC is sometimes necessary to help you heal.

2)   You are not responsible for other adults, you are not your sister’s keeper.

3)   You cannot change someone with BPD,  and they will always pull hard on the FOG, so you need to become weatherproof to it. Going LC or NC is one way of building your strength back up.

Personally for me, I doubt I would have mended ( without NC break. Each day I get stronger, and regret being NC less.  However NC alone wouldn’t have done it for me. Lots of reading, Therapy and this website got me there. In truth, now I have zero  regret about NC, but like you I was racked with it to being with.

We can’t recommend LC, NC on this website, but I can certainly say it’s worked very well for me. However, expect plenty of FOG at the beginning. Also you don’t need to declare that’s what you’re doing, you can just fade slowly into the background. Best of luck on whatever you decide.  

[Charlie3236]

Thank you HappyChappy, that helps so much! That's exactly what we've done, just fade into the background. But my sister is not at all stupid, and once she figures it out there will be wrath. My son is also a huge pull for her, so I'm not looking forward to the time when she starts demanding to see him. My husband doesn't want her anywhere near our child, but I'm not sure that's really realistic long-term.

Oh, the constant drama is exhausting!

[Turkish]

NC, LC, decide for yourself what works, and this can change. That you think she will start demanding to see her nephew sounds concerning, however. Would you deem her behaviors safe for him, physically and emotionally, like beyond the limit of "eccentric auntie?" How has she acted towards him, and how has he reacted to her?

[Charlie3236]

Hi Turkish!

So far her relationship with my son has been good in both directions, but he is very young. I would never ever ever leave him alone with her, she is just too unstable.

[Turkish]

As one parent to another, trust your gut. Has she telegraphed an unhealthy attachment to him? Sounds like it even from what little you wrote.

[Charlie3236]

Absolutely! It's strange to me that she could be so attached to my son while hating me. BPD is such a funny thing that way, like a crazy emotional roller-coaster that goes nowhere! I feel bad for her barely ever getting to see my son, but honestly it is her own doing with her horribly hateful behavior.