Met w/exBPDbf's Best Friend and now I know EVERYTHING

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My encounter with my exBPDbf was on and off for 4 years. I ended it last June upon unraveling his lies, and discovering his cheating first hand. He reached out via POF in Sept, 2014. During the past year, I tried to build a friendship and encourage him to seek therapy, which failed. I wound up recyled/recycling and was sucked back in. We slept together. I "thought" at the time he got engulfed and ran. But as always with someone suffering with BPD, there was much more to the story. This is gonna be a long one. I apologize in advance and will say thank you to those who take the time to read it and chime in... .

In my last post I asked for advice concerning my exBPDbf's best friend contacting me on FB. I'll refer to him as John. I was suspicious and cautious at first. So it was just general chit chat. John then suggested we meet in person. He said he had some things he needed to tell me. 

I've met with John twice and we had 3+ hour discussions. I waited a week in between to see if it would come back to haunt me from exBPDbf. John told me a lot of stuff. It filled in a great deal of the gaps. It also hurt deeply to hear some of it... .like my exBPDbf "never" referred to me as "a" love of his life. He just used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away. He's been living with the OW for a YEAR! He's been lying to me for the entire past year to keep me on reserve as back-up supply. So it would appear I was just supporting his current relationship/encounter.

I shared a few texts and pics from exBPDbf with John. John was shocked that he was carrying on a charade with me whilst living with the OW. I tried to explain BPD. But you all know, if you haven't gone through it, you just don't get it. John asked me questions about things that happened in the past. John knows exBPDbf lied and used him as an alibi to me "repeatedly" over the past 4 years.

John wants nothing more to do with exBPDbf. He said he knew he was bad and had issues, AND kept us apart so we couldn't compare notes or stories. BUT, he had no idea the extent of the deceit, lies, and manipulation. John told me he was sorry for not coming to me and telling me the truth sooner. He also had a feeling exBPDbf was trying to lure me back in. The woman he's living with saw some suspicious posts from female orbiters on exBPDbf's FB. She threw him out in July. Which coincides with when he turned up the love bombing on me and we slept together.

John asked for my permission to tell exBPDbf we met and both now know everything. He feels he could never trust exBPDbf again and he destroyed their friendship. I thought it over and agreed under certain conditions. I explained to John exBPDbf would lie, project, turn the blame on me, or even on John. I requested he tell me when he was meeting him, so I could be prepared for any retaliation. John agreed, he said the proof I have in my cell phone (1,000's of texts and pics) could destroy exBPDbf's life with the woman he's living with.

John was supposed to meet exBPDbf a week ago. But, when he called exBPDbf told John he had another MRSA infection. He needed to have surgery and undergo revision knee surgery. John felt he couldn't kick him whilst he was down. So he didn't say anything about meeting me. John's girlfriend called the hospital to confirm he was actually a patient.

John has been getting post-surgery updates directly from exBPDbf. ExBPDbf wouldn't give his best friend John his girlfriends phone # for updates. He doesnt want people talking like John and I recently did. Too many stories and lies would be revealed. 

ExBPDbf was discharged from the hospital last Wednesday. He asked John to pick him up at the hospital! Apparently the girlfriend could not get off work. John said he couldn't. John texted me that he'll give him some recovery time and then he's going to talk to him. Once John talks to him, he'll likely try to take his anger out on me. Or, perhaps be smart enough to realize I have the option to contact his girlfriend with the proof I have. My hope is that he'll simply paint me black for one final time.

It was an eye opener to talk to John. It took a lot of courage for him to come forward, reach out to me, and I am grateful to him. Especially considering his girlfriend has cancer and is currently undergoing radiation. 

So now it's the letting go and acceptance part, all over again. Letting go of the misconception the girlfriend got everything (the life) I wanted with my exBPDbf for soo long. If he was healthy and happy, he would not have cheated on her with me. He would not have gone to such elaborate measures to spin a huge web of lies and play a year long charade with me. It's the same BPD patterns repeating themselves over and over again. 

Letting go and accepting the fact he'll never be normal. Letting go of the I love you's, false promises, and realizing his actions never showed any love. His "I love you's" really meant "I need you", when "I" need you. I didn't cause his disorder, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I'm trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge and accept that I did everything in my power and heart to try to care for, love, and help this man, but he's a bottomless pit of need. I can never allow him in my life again. 

I'm also thankful and grateful that there is a silver lining in my story. John and his girlfriend have been so kind and supportive of me and what I've gone through. John's been on the sidelines for many years watching exBPDbf's behavior. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. He's seen him idealize/love bomb a woman one month, only to devalue & discard her the next month. He's seen him go through 100's of women. Very sad and sick.

I'll post another update after John speaks to exBPDbf. For now, I'm laying low and trying to surround myself with good friends and support. Thank you in advance for reading this far, I know it was a long one!

[RedDove]

My encounter with my exBPDbf was on and off for 4 years. I ended it last June upon unraveling his lies, and discovering his cheating first hand. He reached out via POF in Sept, 2014. During the past year, I tried to build a friendship and encourage him to seek therapy, which failed. I wound up recyled/recycling and was sucked back in. We slept together. I "thought" at the time he got engulfed and ran. But as always with someone suffering with BPD, there was much more to the story. This is gonna be a long one. I apologize in advance and will say thank you to those who take the time to read it and chime in... .

In my last post I asked for advice concerning my exBPDbf's best friend contacting me on FB. I'll refer to him as John. I was suspicious and cautious at first. So it was just general chit chat. John then suggested we meet in person. He said he had some things he needed to tell me. 

I've met with John twice and we had 3+ hour discussions. I waited a week in between to see if it would come back to haunt me from exBPDbf. John told me a lot of stuff. It filled in a great deal of the gaps. It also hurt deeply to hear some of it... .like my exBPDbf "never" referred to me as "a" love of his life. He just used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away. He's been living with the OW for a YEAR! He's been lying to me for the entire past year to keep me on reserve as back-up supply. So it would appear I was just supporting his current relationship/encounter.

I shared a few texts and pics from exBPDbf with John. John was shocked that he was carrying on a charade with me whilst living with the OW. I tried to explain BPD. But you all know, if you haven't gone through it, you just don't get it. John asked me questions about things that happened in the past. John knows exBPDbf lied and used him as an alibi to me "repeatedly" over the past 4 years.

John wants nothing more to do with exBPDbf. He said he knew he was bad and had issues, AND kept us apart so we couldn't compare notes or stories. BUT, he had no idea the extent of the deceit, lies, and manipulation. John told me he was sorry for not coming to me and telling me the truth sooner. He also had a feeling exBPDbf was trying to lure me back in. The woman he's living with saw some suspicious posts from female orbiters on exBPDbf's FB. She threw him out in July. Which coincides with when he turned up the love bombing on me and we slept together.

John asked for my permission to tell exBPDbf we met and both now know everything. He feels he could never trust exBPDbf again and he destroyed their friendship. I thought it over and agreed under certain conditions. I explained to John exBPDbf would lie, project, turn the blame on me, or even on John. I requested he tell me when he was meeting him, so I could be prepared for any retaliation. John agreed, he said the proof I have in my cell phone (1,000's of texts and pics) could destroy exBPDbf's life with the woman he's living with.

John was supposed to meet exBPDbf a week ago. But, when he called exBPDbf told John he had another MRSA infection. He needed to have surgery and undergo revision knee surgery. John felt he couldn't kick him whilst he was down. So he didn't say anything about meeting me. John's girlfriend called the hospital to confirm he was actually a patient.

John has been getting post-surgery updates directly from exBPDbf. ExBPDbf wouldn't give his best friend John his girlfriends phone # for updates. He doesnt want people talking like John and I recently did. Too many stories and lies would be revealed. 

ExBPDbf was discharged from the hospital last Wednesday. He asked John to pick him up at the hospital! Apparently the girlfriend could not get off work. John said he couldn't. John texted me that he'll give him some recovery time and then he's going to talk to him. Once John talks to him, he'll likely try to take his anger out on me. Or, perhaps be smart enough to realize I have the option to contact his girlfriend with the proof I have. My hope is that he'll simply paint me black for one final time.

It was an eye opener to talk to John. It took a lot of courage for him to come forward, reach out to me, and I am grateful to him. Especially considering his girlfriend has cancer and is currently undergoing radiation. 

So now it's the letting go and acceptance part, all over again. Letting go of the misconception the girlfriend got everything (the life) I wanted with my exBPDbf for soo long. If he was healthy and happy, he would not have cheated on her with me. He would not have gone to such elaborate measures to spin a huge web of lies and play a year long charade with me. It's the same BPD patterns repeating themselves over and over again. 

Letting go and accepting the fact he'll never be normal. Letting go of the I love you's, false promises, and realizing his actions never showed any love. His "I love you's" really meant "I need you", when "I" need you. I didn't cause his disorder, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I'm trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge and accept that I did everything in my power and heart to try to care for, love, and help this man, but he's a bottomless pit of need. I can never allow him in my life again. 

I'm also thankful and grateful that there is a silver lining in my story. John and his girlfriend have been so kind and supportive of me and what I've gone through. John's been on the sidelines for many years watching exBPDbf's behavior. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. He's seen him idealize/love bomb a woman one month, only to devalue & discard her the next month. He's seen him go through 100's of women. Very sad and sick.

I'll post another update after John speaks to exBPDbf. For now, I'm laying low and trying to surround myself with good friends and support. Thank you in advance for reading this far, I know it was a long one!

[Herodias]

That is so nice of him to talk to you... .I know what you mean about filling in the gaps. I wish I knew more about mine. I keep coming up with new conclusions on  my own... .am seeing more woman involved than ever. It's awful to feel like we have been used and tossed aside. They are like con artists really. I have suddenly been more sad than I was before. It's 2 months since I have seen mine. Only some argumentative e-mails a month ago. The more I think about all the women, the sadder I become. I hope you are strong enough to not get sucked in anymore. Mine keeps losing friends as well... .he turns them all off with his lies and also, from some of the things he has done to me. I thinks it's awful these people are allowed to go around screwing up peoples lives and screwing up their heads... .I wish they would have to be put away for awhile and be forced to have treatment... .Probably wouldn't help, but might! I wish you the best of luck in your healing... .

[problemsolver]

My encounter with my exBPDbf was on and off for 4 years. I ended it last June upon unraveling his lies, and discovering his cheating first hand. He reached out via POF in Sept, 2014. During the past year, I tried to build a friendship and encourage him to seek therapy, which failed. I wound up recyled/recycling and was sucked back in. We slept together. I "thought" at the time he got engulfed and ran. But as always with someone suffering with BPD, there was much more to the story. This is gonna be a long one. I apologize in advance and will say thank you to those who take the time to read it and chime in... .

In my last post I asked for advice concerning my exBPDbf's best friend contacting me on FB. I'll refer to him as John. I was suspicious and cautious at first. So it was just general chit chat. John then suggested we meet in person. He said he had some things he needed to tell me. 

I've met with John twice and we had 3+ hour discussions. I waited a week in between to see if it would come back to haunt me from exBPDbf. John told me a lot of stuff. It filled in a great deal of the gaps. It also hurt deeply to hear some of it... .like my exBPDbf "never" referred to me as "a" love of his life. He just used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away. He's been living with the OW for a YEAR! He's been lying to me for the entire past year to keep me on reserve as back-up supply. So it would appear I was just supporting his current relationship/encounter.

I shared a few texts and pics from exBPDbf with John. John was shocked that he was carrying on a charade with me whilst living with the OW. I tried to explain BPD. But you all know, if you haven't gone through it, you just don't get it. John asked me questions about things that happened in the past. John knows exBPDbf lied and used him as an alibi to me "repeatedly" over the past 4 years.

John wants nothing more to do with exBPDbf. He said he knew he was bad and had issues, AND kept us apart so we couldn't compare notes or stories. BUT, he had no idea the extent of the deceit, lies, and manipulation. John told me he was sorry for not coming to me and telling me the truth sooner. He also had a feeling exBPDbf was trying to lure me back in. The woman he's living with saw some suspicious posts from female orbiters on exBPDbf's FB. She threw him out in July. Which coincides with when he turned up the love bombing on me and we slept together.

John asked for my permission to tell exBPDbf we met and both now know everything. He feels he could never trust exBPDbf again and he destroyed their friendship. I thought it over and agreed under certain conditions. I explained to John exBPDbf would lie, project, turn the blame on me, or even on John. I requested he tell me when he was meeting him, so I could be prepared for any retaliation. John agreed, he said the proof I have in my cell phone (1,000's of texts and pics) could destroy exBPDbf's life with the woman he's living with.

John was supposed to meet exBPDbf a week ago. But, when he called exBPDbf told John he had another MRSA infection. He needed to have surgery and undergo revision knee surgery. John felt he couldn't kick him whilst he was down. So he didn't say anything about meeting me. John's girlfriend called the hospital to confirm he was actually a patient.

John has been getting post-surgery updates directly from exBPDbf. ExBPDbf wouldn't give his best friend John his girlfriends phone # for updates. He doesnt want people talking like John and I recently did. Too many stories and lies would be revealed. 

ExBPDbf was discharged from the hospital last Wednesday. He asked John to pick him up at the hospital! Apparently the girlfriend could not get off work. John said he couldn't. John texted me that he'll give him some recovery time and then he's going to talk to him. Once John talks to him, he'll likely try to take his anger out on me. Or, perhaps be smart enough to realize I have the option to contact his girlfriend with the proof I have. My hope is that he'll simply paint me black for one final time.

It was an eye opener to talk to John. It took a lot of courage for him to come forward, reach out to me, and I am grateful to him. Especially considering his girlfriend has cancer and is currently undergoing radiation. 

So now it's the letting go and acceptance part, all over again. Letting go of the misconception the girlfriend got everything (the life) I wanted with my exBPDbf for soo long. If he was healthy and happy, he would not have cheated on her with me. He would not have gone to such elaborate measures to spin a huge web of lies and play a year long charade with me. It's the same BPD patterns repeating themselves over and over again. 

Letting go and accepting the fact he'll never be normal. Letting go of the I love you's, false promises, and realizing his actions never showed any love. His "I love you's" really meant "I need you", when "I" need you. I didn't cause his disorder, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I'm trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge and accept that I did everything in my power and heart to try to care for, love, and help this man, but he's a bottomless pit of need. I can never allow him in my life again. 

I'm also thankful and grateful that there is a silver lining in my story. John and his girlfriend have been so kind and supportive of me and what I've gone through. John's been on the sidelines for many years watching exBPDbf's behavior. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. He's seen him idealize/love bomb a woman one month, only to devalue & discard her the next month. He's seen him go through 100's of women. Very sad and sick.

I'll post another update after John speaks to exBPDbf. For now, I'm laying low and trying to surround myself with good friends and support. Thank you in advance for reading this far, I know it was a long one!

Do you feel a sense of closure? When I recently filled in the blanks in my situation about 2 weeks ago... I felt really odd , I felt like a detective... .But everyone around me thought I was 1)either crazy or 2)overly petty for even caring about the girl and or situation still... She absolutely ripped me apart on the phone... Making me feel kind of stupid and feeling no remorse... Despite how irrational and hellish she would be if I did the same.

[Beach_Babe]

That is nice you spoke with his friend and gained closure. I speak from personal experience, however, when I say this can only end badly if you continue. People turn and BPDs love to triangulate. I am afraid if you continue speaking with him, you will find yourself as the "bad guy." 

It is better to stay above the fray, believe me. I sure wish I had.

[RedDove]

Thanks for reading and for your replies!

Herodias, I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Just be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and accept that's it's okay and what you need at the moment. I remember the first few months after I ended my encounter last summer. I could barely get out of bed. We had made summer vacation plans in May. I was very upset and angry at exBPDbf for making those false promises knowing full well at the time he had no plans to follow through! He was already planning to move in with the OW! I agree, they should be forced into mandatory treatment. For every 1 person diagnosed with BPD, there are 10-20 emotionally abused partners they leave in the wake of their destruction!

Yes, I used to try to fill in the gaps myself as well. It's so confusing to try to figure things out or make any sense of it at all. I'd see my exBPDbf friending other women on FB and then a few weeks later they were unfriended.  I'm glad John came forward to me. But, I don't know what will happen next... .after John talks to exBPDbf. So, I'm keeping my guard up and will just wait and see.

Problem Solver, yes I felt the same way! Playing detective and everyone kinda looking at me like I was the crazy one for still wanting the truth and answers. Yes, I do feel I got some closure. But at the same time, I'm really angry that exBPDbf deceived me and led me to believe he was in counseling and still living 1/2 mile from me. He was playing on my caring nature whilst the entire time living with the Other Woman. Leading a charade with me and a double life, which it seems many of them do, due to their lack of impulse control.

What you experienced is the old BPD "double standard". They can cheat, lie and treat us like crap, BUT, God forbid we call them out on their ___! John told me my exBPDbf has been with 100's of women! John thought he was a sex addict! He also said exBPDbf is never happy with just one woman. Yet, my exBPDbf acted like the innocent, inexperienced, naive little boy. He actually feigned to be "appalled" when I told him I was going to see the 50 Shades of Grey movie! They're great actors and he's without a doubt 50 Shades of Fracked Up!

Beach Babe, thank you for the warning! Good advice and it is appreciated and well taken! I will do my best to stay above the fray.

[2014]

RedDove, just wanted to say thank you for this post. Needed this huge reality check. 

Sending you love & light, you seem to be a strong soul, keep it up 

[RedDove]

2014, thanks for your note and you're welcome! If my post helps just one person then I am so glad.

Believe me, having gone through my discussions with John was a "huge" reality check for me as well! They say knowledge is power. We so wanted to believe that our exBPD's think and act like us Nons, but the reality is they just cant and don't. Every time he recycled me and came back over the past 4 years, I wanted to believe it was out of his love for me. BUT, as my story clearly shows, it wasn't love, it was need, and "his" need. He never even considered the impact his selfish actions would have on me.

Sending you love and light too! I have good days and bad days, but I am trying to stay strong and keep moving forward on my journey of recovery. I've learned a great deal about BPD as well as about my co-dependent and care taker issues. I'm so grateful for the folks like you here at bpdfamily for their knowledge, support, care, and strength. 

[Tomzxz]

It's validating to see it from a second set of eyes. I too have talked with a mutual friend or two about my ex's condition.  My real estate agent befriended my ex when we were searching for a house (another narcissistic source of supply).  My ex managed to find her a part time job in her office.  My ex and her would talk about her (agents) failing marriage of 22 years.  As it turns out her husband is a raging, perverted officially diagnosed Narcissist.  My ex would offer advice one minute then chastise her friend for staying in the relationship.  Then my ex said that she doesn't want to hear about it anymore because our friends depression was making her depressed.  

When we broke up, our friend helped my ex move her stuff out and listened to my ex's side of the story.  She couldn't understand why we would break up over something trivial but recognized a downward trajectory after my ex found out my mother didn't like her. Anyway. my agent friend and I talked a little and she realized that we were both being injured by the same tactics.  Working daily with my ex, she started to see similarities with her abusive NPD husband.  When my ex threatened to have a restraining order put on me she calmed the situation down, notified me and couldn't understand where the hatred was coming from.

Little by little, we talked more, validating each others feelings and experiences. it might sound self defeating and like rehashing the same stuff but it really is filling in the gaps and providing closure.  My friend cant talk to anyone else because people just don't understand the nature of the abuse. She feels validated talking to me and she has been able to see both sides of my relationship and realized just what was actually going on and how similar it is to her relationship.

She actually despises my ex's behavior but tolerates it on a professional level until she can find a new job.  Her 22 years of living with a narcissist gives her the coping skills I didn't have.  Raising three daughters also gives her an edge in how she handles my ex at work.  Surprisingly, talking to her like a child seems to put my ex off balance and in her place.  I didn't think of ever trying that when we were together out of respect for the Golden Rule. Why would I want to be married to a child?


She's a good friend and we support and care for each other.

[parisian]

I ended it last June upon unraveling his lies, and discovering his cheating first hand. He reached out via POF in Sept, 2014. He just used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away. He's been living with the OW for a YEAR! He's been lying to me for the entire past year to keep me on reserve as back-up supply. So it would appear I was just supporting his current relationship/encounter.

I shared a few texts and pics from exBPDbf with John. John was shocked that he was carrying on a charade with me whilst living with the OW. I tried to explain BPD. But you all know, if you haven't gone through it, you just don't get it. John asked me questions about things that happened in the past. John knows exBPDbf lied and used him as an alibi to me "repeatedly" over the past 4 years.

John wants nothing more to do with exBPDbf. He said he knew he was bad and had issues, AND kept us apart so we couldn't compare notes or stories. BUT, he had no idea the extent of the deceit, lies, and manipulation. John told me he was sorry for not coming to me and telling me the truth sooner. He also had a feeling exBPDbf was trying to lure me back in. The woman he's living with saw some suspicious posts from female orbiters on exBPDbf's FB. She threw him out in July. Which coincides with when he turned up the love bombing on me and we slept together.

John asked for my permission to tell exBPDbf we met and both now know everything. He feels he could never trust exBPDbf again and he destroyed their friendship. I thought it over and agreed under certain conditions. I explained to John exBPDbf would lie, project, turn the blame on me, or even on John. I requested he tell me when he was meeting him, so I could be prepared for any retaliation. John agreed, he said the proof I have in my cell phone (1,000's of texts and pics) could destroy exBPDbf's life with the woman he's living with.

Redsox, this is similar to my story only we were only 'dating' for 5 months, but the lie upon lie was hurtful when it was discovered. I was suddenly dropped so mine could 'be by herself', only to discover that after talking with her 'ex', she had been contacting her hundreds of times by email, going around to her exes place multiple times, and sleeping with her while we were supposedly exclusive.

Her ex is also a BPD so there were lies from her told to me also. It was so crazy making I do not know what is the truth and what is not anymore, but in the end it doesn't matter.

My ex was a very 'private' person, and I now realize the reason for that is so that everyone cannot see the appalling reality of what is going on.

I have two mutual friends - one who completely understands from my perspective, and another who wants to understand I think, but doesn't really want to know about any of the drama. It is very difficult when we discover all the lies and the cheating. It is also good to have a mutual friend who can see your side and understands exactly what has been happening to you.

One of the posters suggested to be careful that your contact with John does not result in a Karpman Drama Triangle that BPD's love to create. I got set up big time with this as my ex gave her ex my phone number, and now she is trying to contact me also.

Once we understand BPD and the behaviours better, then we stop trying to rationalise and reason things I think. That's what makes recovery a little easier.

This was my second BPD r/s, and I found after the first one that being friends or even being in Low Contact is impossible, because you are never treated like a true friend - you will only ever be a source of supply when they need company or someone to contact, and you will be pushed away again as soon as the sun rises on a day ending with the letter y.

It is so hard to reconcile the pain they have caused, and to try and hold compassion for them. It is also very difficult for anyone outside the relationship to understand what we have been through. The first step is looking after ourselves however, and then we can focus on offering limited support when we are healthy again and have stronger boundaries if that is what we want. Not looking after ourselves is what caused us to stay in these relationships in the first place, and I hope that you can find peace soon x

[RedDove]

Parisian, thank you for sharing your similar story with me. The lies that our exes tell are so destructive to those around them! The false promises and hopes we have for them to get better are empty and futile.

After ending it with my ex last June, I blocked him everywhere. But, he found me and contacted me on the POF dating site in Sept. My gut told me to remain NC. However, having immersed myself in learning about BPD, I did not want to abandon him like everyone else. Well, we know where that got me. After a year trying to encourage him to seek therapy, tryihello get him into yoga, and going on nature walks together during the summer. It was all just one BIG lie.

John understands my ex as he's seen the behavior over the course of the past 20+ years. However, John is more upset over the fact he was used as an alibi for my ex to spend time with me and likely other woman. Also, my ex lied to John about not seeing me for a year. For the last 6 months my ex and I were spending time and sleeping together. But, John doesn't fully grasp the devastation my ex caused me. He's trying, but if you haven't been in an encounter with someone with BPD, you can't really ever understand how horrid of an ordeal it really was.

John is planning to talk to my exBPDbf today. John hasn't gone to see him since his knee surgery. ExBPDbf keeps asking when he's coming to see him. I'll post an update after I hear from John. The good news is my exBPDbf can't drive for 4-6 weeks after knee surgery. So at least I know if he attempts to retaliate he can't come here.

I hope things are getting better for you. Again, I know how awful it is to be told they are working on themselves or seeking therapy, only to find out afterwards that it was all a BIG lie!  I also have difficulty believing that such elaborate lies were not premeditated and intentional.

I know BPD's lack impulse control. However, it takes careful planning to come up with and cover up so many lies for so long.

[parisian]

it takes careful planning to come up with and cover up so many lies for so long.

Redsox, my ex was very very private. And of course there was a good reason for that - so that no one other than herself knew the real truth to what was going on. I find they are also very good at 'segmenting' their lives, and keeping people apart so that no one person can see the full scope of their lives. This might be harder when you live with someone, but if you don't and are just dating, it's very easy to be seeing multiple people at once. Social media can also be very deceptive and when you're a significant part of their life and there are no pictures of you, or of the two of you together on social media, or when their friend list is locked down so you can't see, well you kind of have to wonder why.

Then there is also the dysregulation or dramatics to explain why you can't go to an event. Mine made up terrible lies about what people did to her, that she was anxious about going to an event on the basis that those 'awful' people might be at that event. In reality, it was because those 'awful people' knew she was in contact with her ex (apparently hundreds of times via email and turning up at her house), and might just say something about that. In front of me.

It is wonderful you have a friend who understands (at least a little) of what is happening on the other side of things, and even better he is standing up for you too.

[RedDove]

Parisian, thank you for your input and for sharing your experience with me. Sadly I could have written exactly what you wrote word-for-word! The similarities with BPD behaviors is still eye opening to me!  But it's also very validating to know I'm not alone in my experience.

My exBPDbf also would say he was an exceptionally "private" person, especially when it came to his past. When I asked what he meant, he said "I don't like to feel vulnerable". When I asked him why he told me last June that he was unstable, borderline, an alcoholic, and addicted to Percocet, his response was (idealization)... ."Because I caused you so much pain, I think it was time you know little more. Plus, I love you".

He also compartmentalized and kept everyone separated and in the dark. John keeps saying that to me over and over again. He kept us (John and I) and everyone apart, so the left hand doesn't know that the right hand is doing. Everyone's kept in the dark as to the truth and how disturbed he really is. Of course John and I talking, comparing stories, etc. is exBPDbf worst nightmare come true.

In the beginning (2011) after a few months dating, we went away for the weekend. I took photos of us. They are only photos I have of 2 of us together. He's the selfie KING. He'd always pose and say, hey babe take my picture. I changed my FB Profile photo to one of the two of us. I told him he could copy it from my FB to his. His excuse was his youngest son who was 13 at the time was having a difficult time with Mom & Dad's split. Mind you he told me he left his wife in 2008! John confirmed he did leave his wife in 2008, BUT, the wife kicked him out for... .wait for it... .yup, you guessed it... .lies and cheating. His 3 sons could care less about who he's with, cause exBPDbf never bothered with them their entire lives, not even as children.

You're exactly right, we didn't live together, so he could sneak around behind my back with many other women. He used John, his 3 grown sons, and sick family members as excuses to cancel plans with me. When I showed John the dozens of texts from exBPDbf using him as an alibi, John was pissed. John had heart surgery and had a stent put in. He wasn't in the hospital long. BUT, I showed him 3 texts whereby by exBPDbf said he was at the hospital visiting him. John said exBPDbf never showed up once to see him at the hospital, nor when he was home recovering.

Oh my! Yes! I have a post here from last year about exBPDbf not inviting me to family or feiends events, or canceling plans with me. It's the same as your experience. He invited me to his nephews wedding on Labor Day Weekend 2012 (our 2 year anniversary). It was out of state, so I booked a hotel room for the entire weekend. Two (2) days prior I asked what time to be ready to leave on Friday. His response, "oh babe, so sorry, there are no guests allowed." Mind you he showed me the wedding invitation three months prior. He even asked me if i wanted meat or fish! I was like, What the heckrack? Had I not asked him in person, I would likely have just received a text blowing me off instead.

What I remember most is how excited I was and really looking forward to finally meeting his sisters, nephews, nieces, etc. I bought a new dress, shoes, etc. they are still in a garment bag in back of a closet. He then proceeded to text bomb me and blow up my phone that night with photos of him at the wedding! Like, "hey look at "me" and what a fantastic time "I'm" having!" I was very lucky I found one friend who was around on the long holiday weekend to join me for dinner & drinks! I ignored my exBPDbf's texts and vm's until the next day.

I'm glad John has been able to shed some light and fill in the gaps. At the moment it also does feel good to have someone standing up for me. John said that exBPDbf "always" blamed all of the women for causing chaos in his life and the destruction of the relationships. But, of course John knows him to well and knew better. I am still proceeding with caution. I agree about the warning of a Karpman Drama Triangle. I'm speaking to John soon and will plan to post an update later.

Thank you again for your input, support, and for sharing your experience with me! 

[2014]

RedDove, just when you thought you had you had reached all levels of crazy, turns out there was an entire basement full of crazy you didn't know of. I know BPD is a spectrum disorder and no two BPD's are alike, bur this guy seems to be a pathological liar on top.

Just wondering, how are you feeling? Are you still hurting? Do you feel traumatized? How do you cope with so much deceit?

[RedDove]

  2014, LOL! Thank you for injecting a bit of humor into the situation! If there is one thing I need right now, it's humor and laughter!   Your analogy of the elevator is spot on and very funny! Oh Yes, Lots of crazy, especially the deeper I allowed myself to be sucked into the vortex of BPD. He is definitely a pathological liar and habitual serial cheater.

Thank you for asking how I'm feeling. I feel a lot of mixed emotions... .angry, hurt, upset, sad, and also like a fool. Sometimes I feel really angry at him, at myself, mixed with resentment. I want to tell the woman he's living with the truth. I feel as if he gets to ride off into the sunset with her and I'm left alone with the painful reality of the truth. After talking to John, the past couple weeks have been difficult. I am still hurting and yes, definitely traumatized by the depth of the deceit. I've had a few days where I couldn't feel a thing and couldn't even get off the coach.

When I found out my ex had BPD last year, I had to rewrite our encounter through BPD glasses. I read as much as I could about BPD. I learned S.E.T. and validation. I applied everything I learned very effectively to build a friendship with my ex this past year. I've also learned about my co-dependency, FOO, and caretaker issues. Now I find myself re-visiting and rewriting events again. It's very painful to realize the love and care I gave so freely and openly to him meant nothing to him. It was all a Big Fat lie. It's like having a part of your life erased. Luckily the anger actually keeps me from wanring to drop an elevator on his head! Lol!

I talked to John last night. He spoke with my exBPDbf on the phone yesterday. I'm gathering my thoughts and feelings and will post an update soon.

[2014]

Yeah, BPD... .the gift that keeps giving... . 

I try to use humor as well, its a (healthy) coping mechanism for me, it also helps me not to take life too seriously as i have suffered on and off depression in my life (im good now).

Personally i suffered PTSD after my exbwBPD discarded me by text. He is a tv personality and my ptsd kept getting worse and worse each time i was confronted with him in the papers/magazines/tv without warning. It took me a full year to recover from that, im still not fully ok actually. I do not want him back, but i can't escape him at the same time. Sometimes i fantasize about leaving the country to escape media-triggers  :'(

Anyway, looking forward to your update, whenever you feel like it of course 

[RedDove]

  2014, thank you again for your light hearted humor! Greatly appreciated and needed! 

WOW!  That must be awful! I'd never be able to get through having my exBPDbf thrown in front of my face via TV, mags and papers! BIG hugs!  I"m not surprised you suffer from PTSD and battled with depression. I got laid off from my job a year ago. I can't afford therapy or find a support group. I likely suffer from both PTSD and depressiin as well. The folks here are my support and members like you have helped me so much! Thank you! 

[apollotech]

Hi RedDove,

You used the correct word, acceptance. That's what you have to do to move forward---away form his disorder. It's tough to just walk away from someone that you've known for a very long time (You know our stories are eerily similar.). I finally had to accept that I never had any control over my particular relationship. If you don't have control over a situation, how can you affect change? If you don't have the authority to affect change, how can you be held responsible for the situation? That type of acceptance affords a lot of peace in the end.

[problemsolver]

it takes careful planning to come up with and cover up so many lies for so long.

Redsox, my ex was very very private. And of course there was a good reason for that - so that no one other than herself knew the real truth to what was going on. I find they are also very good at 'segmenting' their lives, and keeping people apart so that no one person can see the full scope of their lives. This might be harder when you live with someone, but if you don't and are just dating, it's very easy to be seeing multiple people at once. Social media can also be very deceptive and when you're a significant part of their life and there are no pictures of you, or of the two of you together on social media, or when their friend list is locked down so you can't see, well you kind of have to wonder why.

Then there is also the dysregulation or dramatics to explain why you can't go to an event. Mine made up terrible lies about what people did to her, that she was anxious about going to an event on the basis that those 'awful' people might be at that event. In reality, it was because those 'awful people' knew she was in contact with her ex (apparently hundreds of times via email and turning up at her house), and might just say something about that. In front of me.

It is wonderful you have a friend who understands (at least a little) of what is happening on the other side of things, and even better he is standing up for you too.

Lol this post is so accurate it makes me sad... there is so many people who play a large roll in their lives (romanticly) but they keep both lives separate... .Like RedDove ... i seeked closure through someone. . I don't know about him but all the lies certainty took me for a whirl... I was a nobody to him ... and he was a nobody too me... but we both played big roles in her life

[RedDove]

  Apollotech, thank you for your response. You're words really resonated with me today. I am working towards radical acceptance and moving away from his disorder. Yes, our experiences and stories are eerily similar. I know you understand just how difficult it is to detach. Its not easy leaving someone behind we deeply cared about and knew for such a long time. They were an important part of our lives. However, we were not important in their lives.

I met John for lunch this week. He turned to me and said, well, now you've seen the Wizard behind the curtain. That really sunk in with me. It was just a fairy tale illusion that my exBPDbf orchestrated.

Yes, exactly ProblemSolver! Very sad!

[parisian]

... .now you've seen the Wizard behind the curtain. That really sunk in with me. It was just a fairy tale illusion that my exBPDbf orchestrated.

RedSox this is an excellent analogy. When we first meet our BPDs, most of us on here have no idea they have a disorder. All we know is that their behaviour is hurtful and confusing and upsetting. We see them as normal, healthy people and can't understand why they treat us like they do. Once we discover BPD then the curtain is pulled back and the wizard (although for some, is probably a witch... .) is exposed. We realize the person we thought we fell in love with, is not really that person at all. 

Sometimes it helps to think of them as complete strangers. And once we learn about the disorder, they can feel alien to us. It helps somewhat in letting go.

I met up with my first ex a few months after we first broke up (when I was desperately/foolishly trying to do the 'friend' thing), and it was like meeting someone I did not ever know.

Hope you are holding up okay x