The moral of the story is...never bring them up

[Hopeful83]

I'm back to feeling like crap.

Talking with a friend of mine. Told her to look up my ex on Facebook and see how horrendous he looks with his new fiancee (engaged to her within two months of us breaking up, FYI - some Z list ex from his high school years). She looked and told me that he looks like he's fake smiling (which is what someone else also told me - this horrible fake grin.) But she made the mistake of telling me that he's written this quotation underneath:

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

Now, of course, I feel rubbish. He never used to write things like this about me, and now all of a sudden he's in full-blown quotation mode about her. Before I stopped going on his social media profiles, I noticed he was writing all these quotes about her. That's within days of being with her!

Yet me, the woman he was with for three years? Not so much. And he was supposed to marry me. Was it all a farce? Will she be the one to 'heal' him? How is she bringing out all these amazing feelings in him?

I don't get their brains, I really don't. I wish I hadn't brought him up.

[Mutt]

Will she be the one to 'heal' him? How is she bringing out all these amazing feelings in him?

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry to hear that  A pwBPD relinquish control at the onset of the relationship in the idealization phase to attach, BPD is a persecution complex, the perception that they are being persecuted for their failing self and they devalue their partner.

Our love is not above the disorder, love does not cure mental illness, he has to want to help himself and go to intensive therapy to overcome the disorder.

Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

Have you checked [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody and seen the posts of fellow members divorcing a person suffering from a PD? It's incredibly difficult.

[stacma04]

I'm sorry your feeling like this, My ex did the same thing. he has a few quotes written on his instagram , " When you meet a woman thats too good for you you change to become a better man for her, or never desire something in your past because what you have now is what you've only dreamed for" or the greatest coward is  a man who awakes a woman's love with no intentions of loving her" These were all written to his new fiance who he proposed within 1 month of us breaking up. Honestly, this behavior is not normal, and he has a mental illness, these quotes have nothing to do with you and all to do with him trying to make himself feel better. Please don't look at his Social media anymore it will only hurt you and prevent you from healing. There marriage will not last very long, and he'll treat her just as bad as he treated you. Let him be and move on with your life, you don't need the mess

[problemsolver]

Will she be the one to 'heal' him? How is she bringing out all these amazing feelings in him?

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry to hear that  A pwBPD relinquish control at the onset of the relationship in the idealization phase to attach, BPD is a persecution complex, the perception that they are being persecuted for their failing self and they devalue their partner.

Our love is not above the disorder, love does not cure mental illness, he has to want to help himself and go to intensive therapy to overcome the disorder.

Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

Have you checked [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody and seen the posts of fellow members divorcing a person suffering from a PD? It's incredibly difficult.

I found the first part to be true .  PwBPD seem to be easy to control at the start... They seem to give you all the power , not that I was seeking it but she gave it to me.

[MyEyesrOpen]

Im so sorry that your in the pain of being replaced like that. My fear and anxiety is that i will be replaced at any moment now that we are NC for 3 weeks. How is it that they move on and get engaged (as some write about here) so fast? are they cheating on us and developing relationships we dont know about then jump to them as soon as they drop us? I mean to get engaged that fast... to write publicly about their "love" to another so soon? i hope you are ok... im in pain just thinking its about to happen to me... im sorry this is happening to you

[Hopeful83]

Will she be the one to 'heal' him? How is she bringing out all these amazing feelings in him?

Hi Hopeful83,

I'm sorry to hear that  A pwBPD relinquish control at the onset of the relationship in the idealization phase to attach, BPD is a persecution complex, the perception that they are being persecuted for their failing self and they devalue their partner.

Our love is not above the disorder, love does not cure mental illness, he has to want to help himself and go to intensive therapy to overcome the disorder.

Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

Have you checked [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody and seen the posts of fellow members divorcing a person suffering from a PD? It's incredibly difficult.

Thanks Mutt   I've checked out the idealisation link and it has helped.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing great, and I know overall that I really am. We broke up just under four months ago, and it was a horrendous breakup. I left him at the airport in May thinking I'd see him six weeks later when we were going to start our business/get married/etc, he goes home and within weeks everything fell apart. One minute it was 'I love you, I will always be there for you, you're the love of my life' the next it was all over. Family played a massive part, no doubt (he comes from a different culture to me and it is now very clear that his mum never wanted me to marry him), but this isn't the story he told me. He told me he'd seen this z-list ex of his and couldn't stop thinking about her. So I broke up with him expecting he'd fight for me and the three years we had together, only for him to start writing all over Instagram how 'things happen for a reason' and other weird stuff I've never heard him say. Within two months he was engaged to the new woman.

Considering all this, I feel I've made massive strides forward and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I was planning a future with this man; as a result I don't have a house and I'm staying at my mum's while I figure out my next move. I'm working again and getting stronger. I'm figuring out why I was with someone with BPD traits for so long and trying to work through my own issues. I've started work on my first novel. I'm focusing on me and getting better, and it feels great to finally have more 'good' days than 'bad.'

But then there are moments, like tonight, when I cannot believe all this. I do see the pattern of him idealising me when we first got together, but it wasn't this OTT sickly stuff that he's displaying now - does that mean he wasn't that enamoured by me? Yes, he showered me with attention, couldn't do enough for me etc etc etc, but he wasn't declaring his love to me over Facebook with mushy, gross quotations. I KNOW it shouldn't bother me, but it does - he's treating her like a queen! And for what? That quote suggests that she loves him warts and all - what on earth does she know about him? I've been with him for three years and he saw her once during that whole time (I know this isn't a lie because she lived in a different country to us).

I reaaaally know that I shouldn't care about what he's posting about her, but he never did that with me, so then I wonder whether this is BPD at all and he's just madly in love with her.

Sorry for the ramble.

I really have a yucky feeling in my chest this evening and it's really hard to shake off  

[Hopeful83]

I'm sorry your feeling like this, My ex did the same thing. he has a few quotes written on his instagram , " When you meet a woman thats too good for you you change to become a better man for her, or never desire something in your past because what you have now is what you've only dreamed for" or the greatest coward is  a man who awakes a woman's love with no intentions of loving her" These were all written to his new fiance who he proposed within 1 month of us breaking up. Honestly, this behavior is not normal, and he has a mental illness, these quotes have nothing to do with you and all to do with him trying to make himself feel better. Please don't look at his Social media anymore it will only hurt you and prevent you from healing. There marriage will not last very long, and he'll treat her just as bad as he treated you. Let him be and move on with your life, you don't need the mess

Hi Stacma, I haven't been on any of his social media profiles in months. I did, however, see the thumbnail of him and his new fiancee on FB because of an old comment on a photo (apparently blocking these idiots doesn't get rid of old comments), so I asked a friend to look at how horrendous he now looks. She mistakenly told me about the quotation, but it wasn't her fault.

I know it's all nonsense deep down, but I can't shake off this horrible feeling that he sees her as better than me. These are clearly my issues that I need to deal with, but it's really triggered me. Like I said to Mutt, he was never that open about how he felt about me on social media. He would say the odd thing that would always make me smile because it would feel genuine and sincere; but he'd never write whole cheesy quotations for me.

I'm aware I sound a bit silly now, so I'm going to stop typing. Think I'm just having a bad night.

[Hopeful83]

Im so sorry that your in the pain of being replaced like that. My fear and anxiety is that i will be replaced at any moment now that we are NC for 3 weeks. How is it that they move on and get engaged (as some write about here) so fast? are they cheating on us and developing relationships we dont know about then jump to them as soon as they drop us? I mean to get engaged that fast... to write publicly about their "love" to another so soon? i hope you are ok... im in pain just thinking its about to happen to me... im sorry this is happening to you

It's horrendous isn't it? And I know for a fact he wasn't seeing this woman before we broke up, which makes it even more ludicrous. How you can decide you are going to get engaged to someone you barely know is beyond me. Oh, wait, that's right - he knew her from high school. So clearly he knows her well enough to make that decision. Sigh.

[SummerStorm]

Hopeful,

Grandiose statements like the quotes he is posting are typical behavior for a pwBPD, even when things aren't going well.  During the time she was idealizing her ex-boyfriend, my former friend BPD told me things like, "If he ever breaks up with me, I'll never love again," "He's the reason I'm alive and the reason I'm going to fight to stay alive," and "I still think he deserves better than me, but he doesn't think so, so I'm going to fight to be the girl he deserves."

Less than two months later, she left him.  Two months after that, she started dating a new guy. 

It's awful that you were triggered by this and are now feeling bad because of it.  Just try not to let it get to you.  These quotes don't mean that she will change him.  The only person who can change him is him.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful,

Grandiose statements like the quotes he is posting are typical behavior for a pwBPD, even when things aren't going well.  During the time she was idealizing her ex-boyfriend, my former friend BPD told me things like, "If he ever breaks up with me, I'll never love again," "He's the reason I'm alive and the reason I'm going to fight to stay alive," and "I still think he deserves better than me, but he doesn't think so, so I'm going to fight to be the girl he deserves."

Less than two months later, she left him.  Two months after that, she started dating a new guy. 

It's awful that you were triggered by this and are now feeling bad because of it.  Just try not to let it get to you.  These quotes don't mean that she will change him.  The only person who can change him is him.

Hello SummerStorm,

Thanks for replying   This board is truly a life saver.

I know what you're saying is true, and I do feel foolish for feeling this way (and yeah, feeling bad about feeling bad makes you feel worse, so trying to let that go, too!), but I do wonder why he never declared his love to me like that when he first met me. My gut tells me that he didn't have reason to; there was nothing to prove to anyone else, unlike now when he probably has to convince his 1000+ friends on Facebook that his recent drastic change in relationship status (from a blonde to a brunette - hard to miss) means something significant. Plus, I would have run for the hills if he'd started saying stuff like that about me; attention and compliments are one thing, but public declarations of love within months of meeting are another.

I then blame myself for perhaps putting way too much emphasis on his exes over the years. I wonder if I made him question his love for them because I was so insecure at times that I'd bring them up and ask him all kinds of questions about them and what they meant to him.

And there I go... .down the self blame route again.

[Mutt]

Hopeful83,

There's no need to apoligize. I understand that loved ones are telling you that you are going great and you have your feelings about all of this too. It really helps to talk.

One minute it was 'I love you, I will always be there for you, you're the love of my life'

I think a difficult thing to cope with is how a pwBPD don't see a person as an integrated whole with having good parts and bad parts or the grey area.

You're put on a pedestal and you're amazing and get knocked down that same pedestal, the fall can be long and hard  I agree with SummerStorm with his grandiose statements, for now, he's seeing all of the good parts.

So I broke up with him expecting he'd fight for me and the three years we had together, only for him to start writing all over Instagram how 'things happen for a reason' and other weird stuff I've never heard him say.

I can see how that would hurt and I understand the second doubts about mental illness and if he was really mentally ill or did he fall in love with someone else, BPD is a serious mental illness.

Considering all this, I feel I've made massive strides forward and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I was planning a future with this man; as a result I don't have a house and I'm staying at my mum's while I figure out my next move. I'm working again and getting stronger. I'm figuring out why I was with someone with BPD traits for so long and trying to work through my own issues. I've started work on my first novel. I'm focusing on me and getting better, and it feels great to finally have more 'good' days than 'bad.'

That's good news

[SummerStorm]

Hopeful,

Grandiose statements like the quotes he is posting are typical behavior for a pwBPD, even when things aren't going well.  During the time she was idealizing her ex-boyfriend, my former friend BPD told me things like, "If he ever breaks up with me, I'll never love again," "He's the reason I'm alive and the reason I'm going to fight to stay alive," and "I still think he deserves better than me, but he doesn't think so, so I'm going to fight to be the girl he deserves."

Less than two months later, she left him.  Two months after that, she started dating a new guy. 

It's awful that you were triggered by this and are now feeling bad because of it.  Just try not to let it get to you.  These quotes don't mean that she will change him.  The only person who can change him is him.

Hello SummerStorm,

Thanks for replying   This board is truly a life saver.

I know what you're saying is true, and I do feel foolish for feeling this way (and yeah, feeling bad about feeling bad makes you feel worse, so trying to let that go, too!), but I do wonder why he never declared his love to me like that when he first met me. My gut tells me that he didn't have reason to; there was nothing to prove to anyone else, unlike now when he probably has to convince his 1000+ friends on Facebook that his recent drastic change in relationship status (from a blonde to a brunette - hard to miss) means something significant. Plus, I would have run for the hills if he'd started saying stuff like that about me; attention and compliments are one thing, but public declarations of love within months of meeting are another.

I then blame myself for perhaps putting way too much emphasis on his exes over the years. I wonder if I made him question his love for them because I was so insecure at times that I'd bring them up and ask him all kinds of questions about them and what they meant to him.

And there I go... .down the self blame route again.

Some of this could be mirroring, as well.  Perhaps she says romantic things to him, and he then says them to/about her?  My former friend BPD, with whom I also had a brief sexual relationship, wasn't really that lovey dovey with her ex-boyfriend, and he admitted to not really being open enough when he was with her.  I, on the other hand, wrote her love letters and wanted to hold hands with her.  So, she held hands with me and once drew me this picture of a unicorn with this lovely quote that was clearly directed at me. 

She went places with the guy she was dating in January.  She didn't go anywhere with her most recent ex.  She listened to really heavy rock music with her most recent ex.  Her current boyfriend likes rap, and I'm sure that's what she'll be listening to until she breaks up with him.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful,

Grandiose statements like the quotes he is posting are typical behavior for a pwBPD, even when things aren't going well.  During the time she was idealizing her ex-boyfriend, my former friend BPD told me things like, "If he ever breaks up with me, I'll never love again," "He's the reason I'm alive and the reason I'm going to fight to stay alive," and "I still think he deserves better than me, but he doesn't think so, so I'm going to fight to be the girl he deserves."

Less than two months later, she left him.  Two months after that, she started dating a new guy. 

It's awful that you were triggered by this and are now feeling bad because of it.  Just try not to let it get to you.  These quotes don't mean that she will change him.  The only person who can change him is him.

Hello SummerStorm,

Thanks for replying   This board is truly a life saver.

I know what you're saying is true, and I do feel foolish for feeling this way (and yeah, feeling bad about feeling bad makes you feel worse, so trying to let that go, too!), but I do wonder why he never declared his love to me like that when he first met me. My gut tells me that he didn't have reason to; there was nothing to prove to anyone else, unlike now when he probably has to convince his 1000+ friends on Facebook that his recent drastic change in relationship status (from a blonde to a brunette - hard to miss) means something significant. Plus, I would have run for the hills if he'd started saying stuff like that about me; attention and compliments are one thing, but public declarations of love within months of meeting are another.

I then blame myself for perhaps putting way too much emphasis on his exes over the years. I wonder if I made him question his love for them because I was so insecure at times that I'd bring them up and ask him all kinds of questions about them and what they meant to him.

And there I go... .down the self blame route again.

Some of this could be mirroring, as well.  Perhaps she says romantic things to him, and he then says them to/about her?  My former friend BPD, with whom I also had a brief sexual relationship, wasn't really that lovey dovey with her ex-boyfriend, and he admitted to not really being open enough when he was with her.  I, on the other hand, wrote her love letters and wanted to hold hands with her.  So, she held hands with me and once drew me this picture of a unicorn with this lovely quote that was clearly directed at me. 

She went places with the guy she was dating in January.  She didn't go anywhere with her most recent ex.  She listened to really heavy rock music with her most recent ex.  Her current boyfriend likes rap, and I'm sure that's what she'll be listening to until she breaks up with him.

Well when she, the new fiancee, emailed me (yes, she had the cheek to email me even though I've never met her before in my life, but that's another story) she sounded like a 12 year old, so perhaps you're right. It wouldn't surprise me if she says crap like this, too. So perhaps there's an element of mirroring. Maybe they know the right amount of charm to lay on in order not to freak the other person out?

My ex went from having never travelled in his life to travelling to more than 10 countries while he was with me. He then starting telling everyone how much he'd wanted to travel since the age of 10 when he went on a school trip etc. I remember thinking at the time "huh?" because he'd never told me this story. He'd always told me he thought travel was expensive, and in his country it's not really a big thing, hence why he'd never been anywhere other than his home country and the country we lived in together. And yet, after a few years with me, he was acting like he was Phileas Fog.

[Learning Fast]

Hopeful,

Also remember that Facebook is the ideal propaganda platform for someone afflicted with BPD.  You can create whatever narrative you want without having to be concerned about criticism or disagreement (have any of us ever not "liked" a post? Or disagreed with a comment?). I would venture that the real truth is just a fraction of the fantasy that is being projected.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful,

Also remember that Facebook is the ideal propaganda platform for someone afflicted with BPD.  You can create whatever narrative you want without having to be concerned about criticism or disagreement (have any of us ever not "liked" a post? Or disagreed with a comment?). I would venture that the real truth is just a fraction of the fantasy that is being projected.

Thanks everyone.

I've woken up feeling better. You know those beautiful moments of clarity that you get when you're feeling calm; usually comes after meditation or when I've had a good night's sleep. My logical self always knows the answer and in this case it's quite simple: He's ill. He's putting her up on that pedestal, and this time he has a lot more to prove than when he first met me. We were going to get married, yet I was discarded in weeks and then replaced by this new fiancee. Of course he's going to need to shout it from the rooftops and make it sound like the love story of the century.

The more he tries to prove it, the more I feel it's a farce. Pity I cannot always think like this, though - my emotions get the better of me.

I guess it's because I keep comparing his behaviour to what I or someone relatively emotionally healthy would do. I'd never write such gushy nonsense all over social media - especially not after getting engaged to someone within two months of coming out of a three year relationship with someone else!

It's only just dawning on me how sick he must have been all this time. Yes, the rages were a massive red flag, but I didn't see them as part of an illness, I saw them as part of bad anger management. After coming across this board and comparing his behaviour to some of the traits of BPD it was like a light bulb came on in my head. And now he seems to unravelling faster than he ever was when he was with me. Isn't that odd?

[reecehero]

Firstly I am sorry for you pain. I am 2 months NC and I know how back and forth the healing process can be.

The fact that you have been made aware of these quotations must have been painful, especially because your exBPD never displayed the same behavior with yourself.

In my experience with dating a BPD, I have come to understand that the lack of "sense of self" causes BPD's to rapidly change both their behavior as well as who they are and how they communicate. This is in order to replicate who they are currently with, or how they want to be percieved. It is also possible these quotations are simply being posted to impress their new SO and/or to make themselves feel better. It is also VERY common for BPD's to post these things in the hope that you will stumble upon them and feel like crap. This is a game my exBPD does a lot. Thankfully I am well versed in the game of control with my BPDex. NC is essential for you to break the cycle of control. You will overcome this. Sadly, often the BPD will not. Feel sorry for their new significant other - they have no idea what they are getting themselves into. There is a quote that has become my mantra for when I find out my ex has a new SO - "Much better you than I" xx

[stacma04]

There behaviour a are very similar, my ex was writing  quotes on Instagram to the new fiancé

' a coward is a man who arises a woman's love with no intentions of having loved her... .

Do not desire what you had in the past because what you have now is what you have now is amongst the things you've only dreamed of.

And my personal favorite

When you find a woman who's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her... .

Hahahahah... .I guess somewhere along the line I must have treated him terribly because he never wanted to change for me. As a matter of fact after been kicked out of of him home several times I still went back, after being called a loser, scumbag, and worthless I still went back but hey I was the one treating him bad,

I just wanted you to share these for you to see that there behaviour a are very similar. Oh by the way we were together for about two years, he's been with the OW about 8 months now. Broke up with her came back to me to break up with me to go back to her and get engaged a month later. My T said these behaviour a are not normal .

[Hopeful83]

There behaviour a are very similar, my ex was writing  quotes on Instagram to the new fiancé

' a coward is a man who arises a woman's love with no intentions of having loved her... .

Do not desire what you had in the past because what you have now is what you have now is amongst the things you've only dreamed of.

And my personal favorite

When you find a woman who's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her... .

Hahahahah... .I guess somewhere along the line I must have treated him terribly because he never wanted to change for me. As a matter of fact after been kicked out of of him home several times I still went back, after being called a loser, scumbag, and worthless I still went back but hey I was the one treating him bad,

I just wanted you to share these for you to see that there behaviour a are very similar. Oh by the way we were together for about two years, he's been with the OW about 8 months now. Broke up with her came back to me to break up with me to go back to her and get engaged a month later. My T said these behaviour a are not normal .

I cannot express how happy I am to have found this board a few months back. If it weren't for this, I would have gone insane I think.

Those quotations sound so similar to the ones he's been posting. When he first started posting these types of quotes I did wonder momentarily if he'd lost the plot - it sounded so unlike the person I knew for three years! Now it all kind of makes sense.

It's funny how now that I've read up on BPD that I can look back over his behaviour and tick the boxes. Because he's very high functioning - had a well-paid job, was popular, charismatic, etc - I never really thought that he may have a PD. I did always know he had a very traumatic childhood (he was abused), so I assumed his rage stemmed from there. But now I've read about BPD, a lot of his behaviours make so much more sense to me.

He once said to me he suspected he had bipolar. I do wonder about that, too, although I don't know much about the disorder and from what I've seen and read BPD sounds more likely.

[once removed]

hey hopeful83 

i am glad you are feeling better, but i think you touched on something with the following quote:

I then blame myself for perhaps putting way too much emphasis on his exes over the years. I wonder if I made him question his love for them because I was so insecure at times that I'd bring them up and ask him all kinds of questions about them and what they meant to him.

And there I go... .down the self blame route again.

i dont read this as mere self blame, but getting at what is likely the real source of much of your pain. can you elaborate a bit on this?

[Hopeful83]

hey hopeful83  

i am glad you are feeling better, but i think you touched on something with the following quote:

I then blame myself for perhaps putting way too much emphasis on his exes over the years. I wonder if I made him question his love for them because I was so insecure at times that I'd bring them up and ask him all kinds of questions about them and what they meant to him.

And there I go... .down the self blame route again.

i dont read this as mere self blame, but getting at what is likely the real source of much of your pain. can you elaborate a bit on this?

Well spotted, Once Removed - thank you.

I have very deep self esteem issues, which is what I'm trying to address post-breakup. I put up with his raging behaviour because I didn't feel like I could find anyone else. I loved him, but I also knew he was sick and not likely to change unless he faced up to his own sources of pain and shame. So I stuck with him under the guise of 'he'll get better, he'll get help, I love him" when a lot of it also had to do with the fact that I felt like I'd finally met someone whom I connected with on so many different levels and I never believed I'd meet someone like that. So once I found him, I latched on despite the many lows that came with being with someone who was possibly BPD.

When I look even deeply at it, I now realise my mum displays the same traits. The rages, the I love you/you're to blame for everything, the instability, the depression. My mum is a wonderful person, but she's not emotionally healthy, and he was exactly the same - a good person but with deep issues he hadn't faced up to. So it felt familiar, which is also another reason why I didn't question it too much.

I'm now focusing on fixing my past stuff. I don't want to carry this through to another relationship. I want to believe I'm more than enough for someone to love. I want to truly believe all the lovely things people say to me about myself.

I realised this when we first broke up. People would say things like: "you're beautiful, you're intelligent, you have a lot to offer and it's his loss. You'll meet someone who deserves you." While I'd be hearing it, I'd agree with them, but that 'feeling' would vanish almost instantly and I realised I don't believe these things about myself, when I should. So I had a good old cry about it and then vowed to myself that I'm going to learn to truly love myself before I ever think of getting into another relationship.

And that's what I'm now doing  

Is this what you meant by "the real source" of my pain?

[Hopeful83]

Deleted a duplicate comment

[once removed]

thats precisely what i meant hopeful83, and thank you for sharing . i hope by "the real source" it doesnt sound like im saying the totality of your pain isnt valid, far from it. only that in my experience, emotional pain can be traced to all sorts of places; its not easy work, and you did/are doing an excellent job. i think the ability to do that work will serve you extremely well in your recovery. the truth is we all played a role here, and finding it and owning it is pretty conducive to reaching the freedom stage of detachment.

and theres a big difference between self blame and being honest with ourselves; a lot of it takes time and perspective too, we dont usually start with a balanced view, and reasonably so. speaking from experience, insecurity (we all have some) hinders a healthy relationship. did it end your relationship? i would bet not. did it help, and will it help in the future? probably not. i would guess that it has a lot to do with some of the specific pain you are feeling with your recent discovery, which is by the way, understandable. these relationships often have a way of exposing some very old wounds. the great news is self awareness is the catalyst for change. have you considered seeing a therapist for some of this work?

[Hopeful83]

thats precisely what i meant hopeful83, and thank you for sharing . i hope by "the real source" it doesnt sound like im saying the totality of your pain isnt valid, far from it. only that in my experience, emotional pain can be traced to all sorts of places; its not easy work, and you did/are doing an excellent job. i think the ability to do that work will serve you extremely well in your recovery. the truth is we all played a role here, and finding it and owning it is pretty conducive to reaching the freedom stage of detachment.

and theres a big difference between self blame and being honest with ourselves; a lot of it takes time and perspective too, we dont usually start with a balanced view, and reasonably so. speaking from experience, insecurity (we all have some) hinders a healthy relationship. did it end your relationship? i would bet not. did it help, and will it help in the future? probably not. i would guess that it has a lot to do with some of the specific pain you are feeling with your recent discovery, which is by the way, understandable. these relationships often have a way of exposing some very old wounds. the great news is self awareness is the catalyst for change. have you considered seeing a therapist for some of this work?

Yeah I got what you meant by real pain :-)

Yeah, the great part is I'm no longer blaming myself. What he did was unforgivable and not the actions of someone healthy. And he did all this knowing that my sister has cancer and I have a lot on my plate, which is what made me end it. And it left me with so many question marks - how could my loving boyfriend switch like that within weeks?

And then I looked back at the rages and other bizarre behaviour and realise I was fighting a losing battle the whole time.

Yes, I started seeing a T when this first happened. I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, but I want to find someone whom I can work on my issues with. I really want to have a healthy relationship, and in order to have that I need to sort myself out first and foremost!

Anyway, thank you for letting me talk that out 

[once removed]

a great place to work out these kinds of issues is the personal inventory board, and i think you have a great topic. youll find lots of very insightful input from senior members