Thinking about Replying with a Text

[JohnnyShoes]

As the subject line states;

I'm thinking about Replying to her contact via phone, with a text...

Explaining why I went NC

Here is the text:



I called you on Thurs Oct 1st... .it was 5:30 in the morning... .I had an EMERGENCY, that's the only reason why I would have called you so early. But you didn't answer. Ok, you didn't answer... .but you didn't even call me back that morning... .

I imagine you werent alone !

Why else would you not pick up the phone.?

Regardless, you must've known i called, and you didn't even return my call... not even later that morning, or that DAY !

You confuse me. You say one thing... and you act a different way. That keeps me in a CONSTANT state of confusion. I liked you, I really really deeply liked you... .But I hate the torture of feeling like I don't know where I stand. Like I'm always guessing. I just wish things would work out.

When you don't call, dont text, don't wish to see me etc, It leaves me to believe that you don't care... but why would you take the time to contact me, ask me if I want to go out and do something, get together with me? It's confusing. I don't want to be confused anymore. 

Just wondering if I should send it.

I mean, I want her to know WHY.

Don't know what I expect to hear back, if anything or whether or not I'm prepared for it.

Does that sound crazy?

[Invictus01]

If she cared, she would return the call when you called with an emergency. If she doesn't care... .then you can't make her care no matter what you say.

Let it be. Just like she let you be. It is a two way street.

[JohnnyShoes]

If she cared, she would return the call when you called with an emergency. If she doesn't care... .then you can't make her care no matter what you say.

Let it be. Just like she let you be. It is a two way street.

I failed to mention, that when I had called, I let the phone ring several times. I left no voicemail.

I know she sleeps with her phone ON and uses her phone as an alarm clock.

So when she did not answer, she was either in Deeeep sleep, in the bathroom etc.

But she should've seen that someone had called.

Maybe I'm wrong with this assumption

[JohnnyShoes]

If she cared, she would return the call when you called with an emergency. If she doesn't care... .then you can't make her care no matter what you say.

Let it be. Just like she let you be. It is a two way street.

Also... if she DIDN'T care when I called... .why would she then call me 3 days ago? Ergo my problem of confusion

[hollycat]

You won't get satisfaction from sending the text. She didn't take your call or acknowledge it because something else more pressing was occupying her attention and she didn't need you. She very likely called you to see if you would still respond to her; or she was bored.

Trust me on the texting thing. I keep thinking if I send BpdH just ONE more, trying to get him to see logic; be reasonable, that he will. And he won't. It's the nature of the disorder.

Save yourself heartache and don't send it.

Just my .02

[JohnnyShoes]

She didn't take your call or acknowledge it because something else more pressing was occupying her attention and she didn't need you.

My original thought, right after I placed the call.

I guess I called at a perfect time... .when she least expected it

[Beach_Babe]

How do you know she was with someone else?  i'm not defending her,  I'm saying is we don't know. Sometimes BPDs bolt at times like this. Mine sure did.

How do YOU feel about sending the text?

[enlighten me]

Hi Johnny

What would you achieve by sending it?

If she ignores it then you will achieve nothing.

If she has a go at you then you will feel worse.

If she says she was with someone else will that make you feel better?

Havent you interacted since the phone call and told her you only called because it was an emergency?

Has she not had time to respond to this already?

I can understand you being confused and wanting answers but do you think a text will give you these?

[JohnnyShoes]

Havent you interacted since the phone call and told her you only called because it was an emergency?

No, I haven't.

[JohnnyShoes]

If she says she was with someone else will that make you feel better?

Yes actually. I will have closure. Then I will no longer have my doubts, and would not have to re-think about this... .and not give her the benefit of the doubt.

[hollycat]

Just playing devil's advocate here, and I certainly do understand the craving to reach out one more time:

if her failure/disinclination to respond did not bring you closure, then what will?  What is it within you that you need one more hit to finish it off?

Just asking you to think about how you will feel? BpdH reached out to me last night and again, it ended with me stopping the texting because he is on a broken record, endless victim, "you never showed me enough" loop.  It is unanswerable. Did I feel better? No.

[JohnnyShoes]

After remembering many things about this relationship, the sad truth that was Always present... .

I was always giving to her, being there for her, listening to her.

She dominated the conversations. At times, they weren't conversations... But monologues... .just me listening. Cause that's all she needed and wanted.

I learned a long time ago my feelings werent important. They weren't a priority, in fact... .she could care less if it didn't disturb what she had with me

[JohnnyShoes]

Feeling alone right now... .

I want a partner, a friend, companion ... someone who's company I enjoy... .Someone to just talk to, laugh with... .be silly with.

It's just not her. It could never be her... cause its not within her.

[hurting300]

Feeling alone right now... .

I want a partner, a friend, companion ... someone who's company I enjoy... .Someone to just talk to, laugh with... .be silly with.

It's just not her. It could never be her... cause its not within her.

Forget her, it's apparent she does not care and is not capable of it. Heal yourself and be happy about life. Those positive vibes will attract your best friend and new lover.

[hollycat]

Johnny, I want the same things you do. The very things BpdH dangled in front of me. And was, for about a minute. As I expect your ex was too. Truly terrific. For about a minute.

You are not alone. We are all here.

[Skip]

As the subject line states;

I'm thinking about Replying to her contact via phone, with a text...

Explaining why I went NC

Here is the text:



I called you on Thurs Oct 1st... .it was 5:30 in the morning... .I had an EMERGENCY, that's the only reason why I would have called you so early. But you didn't answer. Ok, you didn't answer... .but you didn't even call me back that morning... .

I imagine you werent alone !

Why else would you not pick up the phone.?

Regardless, you must've known i called, and you didn't even return my call... not even later that morning, or that DAY !

You confuse me. You say one thing... and you act a different way. That keeps me in a CONSTANT state of confusion. I liked you, I really really deeply liked you... .But I hate the torture of feeling like I don't know where I stand. Like I'm always guessing. I just wish things would work out.

When you don't call, dont text, don't wish to see me etc, It leaves me to believe that you don't care... but why would you take the time to contact me, ask me if I want to go out and do something, get together with me? It's confusing. I don't want to be confused anymore.  

Just wondering if I should send it.

I mean, I want her to know WHY.

Don't know what I expect to hear back, if anything or whether or not I'm prepared for it.

Does that sound crazy?

I'm sorry you are hurting, JS.

As cathartic as this note may feel, it is drama making.

This is probably what you want her to respond to... .

I really really deeply liked you... .But I hate the torture of feeling like I don't know where I stand. Like I'm always guessing. I just wish things would work out.

This is what she (anyone) is going to respond /react to:

I imagine you werent alone ! Why else would you not pick up the phone.?

The answer will be outraged at the accusation (if it is true, if it is not true).

Whatever outcome you are hoping for is not likely to come from this style of communication. Its ok to feel it, its another to hurl it out there for someone else to respond to.

Just a few things... .this statement is not the confident, attractive guy she was attracted to. If she hit a valley in her attraction to you, for whatever reason, this will reinforce the negative feelings... .

I really really deeply liked you... .But I hate the torture of feeling like I don't know where I stand. Like I'm always guessing. I just wish things would work out.

And if you think this is might be true, do try to open a conversation via text, days later and lead with it. This is a issue to explore after you have reconnected.

I imagine you werent alone ! Why else would you not pick up the phone?

You sound hurt and not sure if the relationship is over, or if you try, if it will feel good to you.  You also feel abandonment anxiety - its not a comfortable feeling by any means.

I'd spend a bit more time thinking through where your feelings are and what you have here.

If your going to send a text, I might start with simply "Hi".

[Conundrum]

No don't send that text. pwBPD don't respond well to these tortured musings unless they're somewhat centered in evidence based therapy.

If you want to express your needs, keep it light and funny. You can subtly slide in heavier stuff when things are going well btwn both of you, in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner.

I sent my x a text today that "I want to stuff her sopapilla" (it's a local reference). That'll make her laugh, but we're able to hang out and laugh about things--especially, cuz she's 75 days sober and in a fine comprehensive program.

Timing is pretty important. There's a time and place for serious discussions, though are you really in that place w her now. That accusation of shagging another (not being alone)... .is not going to go over over well. Way too needy and accusatorial.

I get you're hurting, but entice her with wit, humor and by being fun (that is if you want something with her). Otherwise, that heavy stuff when you're not an official item causes more harm than good. Just my 2-cents.

[Sadly]

Hi JS

you responded to me in my pain, thank you. Please don't send that text, it sounds exactly like ones I have sent, almost word for word and Skip is so spot on with his response. All I did was prolong my pain and looking at my texts I see the neediness that so repulsed him when I thought I was letting him know I cared. I so want the things you do, most of us do and I am a whirling ball of hurt and confusion right now but I have to tell myself it will stop. At our worst this weekend I told him I hated him at that moment in time as much as I loved him and that we both knew how much I loved him. I think I had hope like you have that those word would get through somehow, well they won't. His response was Yeah, well loving someone that much is weird and creepy! Smack, right in the face. Don't open yourself to that pain, you sound like such a nice guy.   x