Feeling blue - Just got back from a trip we were to take

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, I felt the need to post as I'm feeling down.  Back in July, I posted about the troubles I had had with my pwBPD, Jane.  Jane and I did speak at the end of a huge row where I found out she had been seeing a guy for about a month.  I should've fully ended it then and there, but like many of us I didn't.  Like all things in life, how we got to that point was complicated.  We worked through it, though I was somewhat distant we still talked and she (by her own accord) started DBT.  I knew it would be challenging on her, but I fully supported her in this decision (in the end, I knew it would help her and hopefully us).  Things were starting to look up or at least it seemed that way.

I was having a stressful time with work, so I decided I wanted to get away for a weekend and invited her along.  She seemed genuinely excited to go, so I booked everything (our schedules wouldn't come together between my weekends with my child or various plans so the trip was set a little over a month away).  As time grew closer to the trip, I noticed Jane started to pull away.  I felt there was something dark on the horizon, as this was her pattern.  About a month prior to us leaving, Jane's actions and words started not matching up again.  I suspected she had found a new object of desire and had moved me from the active beau in her life to the spare.  She began to make negative comments about going on the trip (she didn't want to drive, for example) and never really asked any of the details or made it clear to me she wanted to go.  I bluntly asked her about a month prior if she was still planning to go, as if she wasn't, I could get most of my money back from my various reservations.  She got upset about it and told me she was still going, but I felt it was a lie.  She also seemed to have panicked greatly when she found out cell service would be spotty, another sign to me that she would bail out.

So, for that month, Jane basically isolated me.  Our birthdays are only a couple of days apart and we had both made a big deal out of it (in a good way, since this was the first birthdays we would be "together".  I had gotten sick a few days prior to my birthday and Jane did check on me those days, which was nice.  She was going to a concert in another city (about 3hrs) with an older female friend, but would return the day of my birthday.  So, she went to the concert (which had been canceled due to weather, so they drove back that evening).  She had gotten sick upon returning (probably caught it from me!), so I didn't see her my birthday or the day after.  Then there was another excuse after another to not see me until the end of the week.  We couldn't go out, as it was my weekend to have my child, so we watched a movie.  It was pleasant, but I didn't speak to her the next day very much because her family was having a birthday party for her (which apparently lasted over 12 hours) and she left the following day to go to the re-scheduled concert, so I didn't speak to her again very much.  (Later, she told me she had gotten mad at me because I didn't attend the family party, even though she never invited me and I asked to come - she had said no to that as well.)  

After returning from the concert, I never really had much contact with her (text messages mostly and when I did see her it was only for an hour or so later in the evening... .almost like being penciled in on a checklist of "things to do" before the end of the day... .you know?), sometimes I didn't talk to her at all when she was having DBT (yes, I've wondered if she's really going, though she goes twice a week for an individual and a group session.  So, she's either going or has elaborately read about DBT sessions).  She has referenced several times that her therapist says we don't need to be together, that she needs to be by herself to really heal (sounds weird to me, but could be true I guess).

Anyway, after the month of distancing, there was a wedding we were supposed to attend (the weekend before the trip) semi-together.  For those not up to speed, Jane is still married (though "going through" a divorce), so we can't openly date (go to dinner locally, etc).  An emergency came up and I was going to have to watch my child that weekend.  Jane was very upset that I wasn't going to the wedding.  Now, heres where the rub comes in.  There was an individual that she had told me about that we work with thats made (according to Jane) advances toward her.  She claims no interest (may or may not be true), but he had told me he may attend the wedding.  Jane asked me if I was ok with her going.  I told her I wasn't and told her why (for two reasons: 1) she had cheated on me with the guy in July because I didn't attend a wedding with her and 2) the "advance" guy had said something to me about being there.  Plus, I knew Jane would be an emotional wreck for going and then blame me for not attending... .yadda yada if she attended alone).  Well, she was furious with me for being honest with her.  

So.  We were arguing via text (surprise) and I went out to get dinner for my child and me.  Jane was supposed to come see us that evening, but I had a feeling that was going to fall apart quickly.  As part of my trust issue with her (having been pushed away all month), I drove by her house to see if she was at home or not.  Yeah, not my proudest moment, but I had to know.  She wasn't.  So, I called her out on it and she told me she was at a friends house down the road to "check on her dog" (this was approximately 5mins or so from when Jane had told me she was laying in her bed crying... .) for her friend who was out of town.  In a moment of craziness, I drove by the friends house and Jane was there, but was over at the neighbors house in the garage (there was a group).  Jane was neatly dress and didn't appear to me to be the disheveled mess she was claiming to be.  Needless to say, Jane saw me and the fight was on from there.  She let all sorts of accusations fly and I wasn't so nice either.  Then came the ultimate, she blamed me for picking a fight a week before our trip to "prevent" her from going.

So, now you know the buildup.  Jane gave me basically ST the entire week leading up to the trip.  She did come over and we talked on Thursday before the trip and it was pleasant.  I had asked her several times if she wanted to still go and if she did she was more than welcome.  She refused every time.  I saw her at work Friday before I left and all hell broke loose.  She was actually served divorce papers while I was there.  So, apparently, Jane had lied to me (and everyone else) this entire year, but I guess thats another tale for another time.

A lot of the trip was non-refundable at that point, so I decided to go.  It was several hundreds of dollars that I would lose and I just couldn't do it.  I went alone and it was heartbreaking.  In hindsight, I should've just ate the money.  Jane and I have been in semi-contact while I've been away (a handful of text), but she'll go hours without responding.  I still fully believe that she's moved on to another guy, but it still breaks my heart to know it.  I know that I need to detach, but it's easier to type it than do it.

Thank you all for listening and for your words of encouragement, I need them in this moment.

[Lonely_Astro]

So, I felt the need to post as I'm feeling down.  Back in July, I posted about the troubles I had had with my pwBPD, Jane.  Jane and I did speak at the end of a huge row where I found out she had been seeing a guy for about a month.  I should've fully ended it then and there, but like many of us I didn't.  Like all things in life, how we got to that point was complicated.  We worked through it, though I was somewhat distant we still talked and she (by her own accord) started DBT.  I knew it would be challenging on her, but I fully supported her in this decision (in the end, I knew it would help her and hopefully us).  Things were starting to look up or at least it seemed that way.

I was having a stressful time with work, so I decided I wanted to get away for a weekend and invited her along.  She seemed genuinely excited to go, so I booked everything (our schedules wouldn't come together between my weekends with my child or various plans so the trip was set a little over a month away).  As time grew closer to the trip, I noticed Jane started to pull away.  I felt there was something dark on the horizon, as this was her pattern.  About a month prior to us leaving, Jane's actions and words started not matching up again.  I suspected she had found a new object of desire and had moved me from the active beau in her life to the spare.  She began to make negative comments about going on the trip (she didn't want to drive, for example) and never really asked any of the details or made it clear to me she wanted to go.  I bluntly asked her about a month prior if she was still planning to go, as if she wasn't, I could get most of my money back from my various reservations.  She got upset about it and told me she was still going, but I felt it was a lie.  She also seemed to have panicked greatly when she found out cell service would be spotty, another sign to me that she would bail out.

So, for that month, Jane basically isolated me.  Our birthdays are only a couple of days apart and we had both made a big deal out of it (in a good way, since this was the first birthdays we would be "together".  I had gotten sick a few days prior to my birthday and Jane did check on me those days, which was nice.  She was going to a concert in another city (about 3hrs) with an older female friend, but would return the day of my birthday.  So, she went to the concert (which had been canceled due to weather, so they drove back that evening).  She had gotten sick upon returning (probably caught it from me!), so I didn't see her my birthday or the day after.  Then there was another excuse after another to not see me until the end of the week.  We couldn't go out, as it was my weekend to have my child, so we watched a movie.  It was pleasant, but I didn't speak to her the next day very much because her family was having a birthday party for her (which apparently lasted over 12 hours) and she left the following day to go to the re-scheduled concert, so I didn't speak to her again very much.  (Later, she told me she had gotten mad at me because I didn't attend the family party, even though she never invited me and I asked to come - she had said no to that as well.)  

After returning from the concert, I never really had much contact with her (text messages mostly and when I did see her it was only for an hour or so later in the evening... .almost like being penciled in on a checklist of "things to do" before the end of the day... .you know?), sometimes I didn't talk to her at all when she was having DBT (yes, I've wondered if she's really going, though she goes twice a week for an individual and a group session.  So, she's either going or has elaborately read about DBT sessions).  She has referenced several times that her therapist says we don't need to be together, that she needs to be by herself to really heal (sounds weird to me, but could be true I guess).

Anyway, after the month of distancing, there was a wedding we were supposed to attend (the weekend before the trip) semi-together.  For those not up to speed, Jane is still married (though "going through" a divorce), so we can't openly date (go to dinner locally, etc).  An emergency came up and I was going to have to watch my child that weekend.  Jane was very upset that I wasn't going to the wedding.  Now, heres where the rub comes in.  There was an individual that she had told me about that we work with thats made (according to Jane) advances toward her.  She claims no interest (may or may not be true), but he had told me he may attend the wedding.  Jane asked me if I was ok with her going.  I told her I wasn't and told her why (for two reasons: 1) she had cheated on me with the guy in July because I didn't attend a wedding with her and 2) the "advance" guy had said something to me about being there.  Plus, I knew Jane would be an emotional wreck for going and then blame me for not attending... .yadda yada if she attended alone).  Well, she was furious with me for being honest with her.  

So.  We were arguing via text (surprise) and I went out to get dinner for my child and me.  Jane was supposed to come see us that evening, but I had a feeling that was going to fall apart quickly.  As part of my trust issue with her (having been pushed away all month), I drove by her house to see if she was at home or not.  Yeah, not my proudest moment, but I had to know.  She wasn't.  So, I called her out on it and she told me she was at a friends house down the road to "check on her dog" (this was approximately 5mins or so from when Jane had told me she was laying in her bed crying... .) for her friend who was out of town.  In a moment of craziness, I drove by the friends house and Jane was there, but was over at the neighbors house in the garage (there was a group).  Jane was neatly dress and didn't appear to me to be the disheveled mess she was claiming to be.  Needless to say, Jane saw me and the fight was on from there.  She let all sorts of accusations fly and I wasn't so nice either.  Then came the ultimate, she blamed me for picking a fight a week before our trip to "prevent" her from going.

So, now you know the buildup.  Jane gave me basically ST the entire week leading up to the trip.  She did come over and we talked on Thursday before the trip and it was pleasant.  I had asked her several times if she wanted to still go and if she did she was more than welcome.  She refused every time.  I saw her at work Friday before I left and all hell broke loose.  She was actually served divorce papers while I was there.  So, apparently, Jane had lied to me (and everyone else) this entire year, but I guess thats another tale for another time.

A lot of the trip was non-refundable at that point, so I decided to go.  It was several hundreds of dollars that I would lose and I just couldn't do it.  I went alone and it was heartbreaking.  In hindsight, I should've just ate the money.  Jane and I have been in semi-contact while I've been away (a handful of text), but she'll go hours without responding.  I still fully believe that she's moved on to another guy, but it still breaks my heart to know it.  I know that I need to detach, but it's easier to type it than do it.

Thank you all for listening and for your words of encouragement, I need them in this moment.

[once removed]

hey lonely_astro 

im sorry youre feeling bummed after taking the trip intended for the two of you, by yourself  . i suspect i would find it impossible to have a good time in that situation.

how is the semi contact going? how are you feeling today?

[Lonely_Astro]

hey lonely_astro 

im sorry youre feeling bummed after taking the trip intended for the two of you, by yourself  . i suspect i would find it impossible to have a good time in that situation.

how is the semi contact going? how are you feeling today?

I did manage to have some fun on the trip, but the sadness outweighed the fun really.

I did speak with Jane last night.  She had told me that she imploded over the weekend and shut everyone out.  She said that being served the divorce papers "again" (she's claimed they had been filed once but got lost or some other bogus lie to prevent admitting the truth) and having a huge fight with her mom (a common excuse when she gives me ST) caused her to just shut down.  The Sunday I returned, we exchanged approximately 4 text messages before she stop responding altogether.  About midday Monday, she reestablished contact.  Thats when she told me all about her implosion.  She did come over to my house Monday night and we did talk.  She cried a lot about various things (her ex has been smearing her on FB, her mom's calling her worthless because of the divorce, etc).  She cried an apology for shutting me out.  She said she cried at dinner before coming over because she had homemade meatloaf and felt bad because thats what I had asked her to make me for my birthday (she always raves about her meatloaf, but she didn't make it for me on my birthday and as of this writing still hasn't -nor do I expect her to ever do so).  Surprisingly, she stayed a couple of hours.  Her phone kept going off, though, which I found to be annoying (I usually do).  She claimed it to be her mom (she did tilt the phone to me and I saw her moms name during one of the calls), but I know a few of the text messages weren't from her mom (Jane has an iPhone, so does her mom, but the text bubbles were green - meaning a non-imessage conversation).  Apparently Jane thinks I'm to stupid to know the difference, even though I've been using Apple products since before Jane was out of high school.

It's just one of those things where I'm tired of being lied to.  I love Jane deeply and I wish we would work, but looking over my shoulder, living with the anxiety, the paranoia, and deceit just isn't worth it to me.  Jane was more lucid last night than I expected her to be and I hugged her at the end of the night and she said that she "promises to make this all up to me" (whatever that means) and I simply stood silent - she may fully have intended to do that in that moment, but like all those moments, it's a promise I know will go unfulfilled.

She called me today on her way in to work, which was unexpected.  She talked to me about her commute and what she had to do today.  It was a pleasant conversation.  I didn't really engage anything we talked about last night or anything like that.  I guess I have truly started the detachment phase, to try to make my parting as easy on the both of us as I can (even if in reality I don't want to leave).  Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a deep meaningful relationship with her.  I know that I love her (at least the Jane I know) and perhaps after DBT it would be possible.  But, that isn't where we are right now.  So, today, I am still sad.  I'm sad this didn't turn out like I thought it would (though in the recesses of my mind, I kind of always felt it would lead here).  I'm sure I'll still have some form of contact with her for awhile, I just have to shift my paradigm from us being together to us being "friends" (i.e., no more asking if she's planning to see me, no more lovemaking -one area we excelled at, to be candid-, that sort of thing).  It's a different world where I had hoped to not be, but ended up here anyway.

[once removed]

lonely_astro,

frankly, you sound pretty grounded and level headed about things, but exhausted  . it is a unique path a person goes down to get to this point, and it is often, well, exhausting. i understand being tired of being lied to, its hard to sustain a connection with a person who interacts with us in an inauthentic way, and there certainly is no growth.

have you by chance had an opportunity to read the lessons on the undecided board on choosing a path? i get that youve essentially chosen, but they may help you make your path more clear. you can find them directly to the right of the undecided board, much like the lessons to the right of this board.

[Lonely_Astro]

lonely_astro,

frankly, you sound pretty grounded and level headed about things, but exhausted  . it is a unique path a person goes down to get to this point, and it is often, well, exhausting. i understand being tired of being lied to, its hard to sustain a connection with a person who interacts with us in an inauthentic way, and there certainly is no growth.

have you by chance had an opportunity to read the lessons on the undecided board on choosing a path? i get that youve essentially chosen, but they may help you make your path more clear. you can find them directly to the right of the undecided board, much like the lessons to the right of this board.

Thanks, Once. I have read the lessons before but it has been awhile.  You summed it up well for me: I am exhausted.  I've chosen my path, I am leaving.  For the past several months especially I have tried to make things work with Jane.  But, whether it's her, her disorder, or both, I know it's time for me to leave the chaos.  I am 95% sure she has already replaced me, since I know her and her behavior matches how she's done me in the past when she found a new object of affection.

Ever since I found out about the other guy in July, we've had our ups and downs.  It took her almost two months to finally enter DBT (saying that what she did in July wasn't her and she wanted to fix it all for herself and us), which she hates (she told me all the time that she did).  I had hoped that DBT would make it easier for her (and for us), but it made it that much worse (or at least it seems, she's only been "going" for about a month now).  It's a long story, but I just don't think DBT is going to help her, at least not with me in the picture (and I suspect she'll quit going ASAP if she hasn't already - she said as much to me in one of our last conversations). 

I am not leaving because of her, I'm leaving for my own healing.  I know that I wasn't perfect in the relationship (I was often jealous or questioning her when she would go missing, etc), but I am also enabling the behavior by sticking around and putting up with her (for a lack of a better word) BS.  I refuse to accept that everything she does is because of her disorder and frankly I'm tired of her using it as a crutch. 

She's always pushed me to the side for others in her life, so let them have her.  I have needs, wants, goals, and desires like everyone else and she isn't going to any kind of partner in my life.  I was happy (even though I was having my own family issues, I would say I was happy) before she came back into my life and now I'm an angry, depressed, almost paranoid person.  The relationship is toxic, it just took me longer than it should to have seen it.

I simply am not strong enough to sit around and be consumed by someone like her.  She has all the potential in the world, I wish her the best of luck, but I refuse to be a part of the game any longer... .basically a year of this (not all of the year was bad but still had its hiccups, just the last 6 months or so have been very damaging to me) is just to much for me to put up with.  Now, it's all starting again because the divorce from her husband is "starting" all over again (long story short of that is that she's lied to me about all of that for this entire year... .). 

I gave her a second chance and she wasted it.  There won't be a third. 

[once removed]

well, to reiterate, it does sound like you have as clear a head as you can about all of this, and are making the choice you feel is best for you.

you are right about therapy: sometimes it can get worse before it gets better. getting in isnt easy, neither is staying, and though there can be improvements within a year, getting to the core wounds can take a few.

i admire your attitude of not blaming, not enabling, owning your responsibility, or seeing everything she does as a result of the disorder. i think this attitude has well informed your decision.

it sounds like a very messy situation with the divorce and dishonesty surrounding it. sadly, this is not uncommon. its an experience you can use in the future. often best to wait until a divorce is finalized and the divorcee has had time to process and heal before dating again.

[Lonely_Astro]

well, to reiterate, it does sound like you have as clear a head as you can about all of this, and are making the choice you feel is best for you.

you are right about therapy: sometimes it can get worse before it gets better. getting in isnt easy, neither is staying, and though there can be improvements within a year, getting to the core wounds can take a few.

i admire your attitude of not blaming, not enabling, owning your responsibility, or seeing everything she does as a result of the disorder. i think this attitude has well informed your decision.

it sounds like a very messy situation with the divorce and dishonesty surrounding it. sadly, this is not uncommon. its an experience you can use in the future. often best to wait until a divorce is finalized and the divorcee has had time to process and heal before dating again.

In hindsight, I should have waited for it to be final.  But, she had moved out (back in with her parents) and everything seemed on track.  She kept telling me and everyone else that the divorce would be final "soon".  But, "soon" kept going on and it never came, each time she had a reason (her favorite was that they were fighting over furniture or some other knick knack.  I just happened to be standing there when the processor called to tell her that she would be served the papers, she was a tee total wreck after that (and also happened to be the same day I was leaving for our trip, so I'm sure that was a double whammy for her).

She did contact me today saying that we need to talk and things aren't good for her.  I, in my own attempt for closure, told her I was open to seeing her.  She went NC after that and haven't heard from her since.  So, it seems like she wants to continue the stringing.  But, I plan on the next time she contacts me to not contact back.  I saw this time as her time to say whatever she wanted and part ways like adults.  Oh well.