Divorce Judgment

[Mutt]

I got a Divorce Judgment in the mail today granted Oct 14th.

It's over without a fight in court.

[enlighten me]

Congratulations Mutt.

I don't know about you but for me it felt a bit of an anti climax. No champagne popping just a feeling of being drained and needing to rest.

[Sunfl0wer]

Good for you Mutt! 

Are you doing ok with that?

[Mutt]

Thanks enlighten me and thanks Sunfl0wer. I feel the same way it is anti-climatic.

She had left with her boyfriend and for the first few months she still wanted me in her life. I was too hurt with the affair, how she left and all off the distorted stories about me. I didn't understand that she's dependent and wasn't attached to her boyfriend. I stayed in minimal contact to grieve, detach, and to work on my triggers.

I felt good and strong and she was avoidant because of her feelings of shame and I was really taken by surprise when she approached me around this time of of the year last year and wanted to be friends for the sake of the kids. That was the first time that she had really approached me to talk about stuff. I rejected her, I was angry about  the affair and triggered shame. Then she got pregnant and filed for divorce.

The only thing that comes to mind about the divorce is that it was impulsive.

I didn't want to take her to court because I was worried it would be a fight and I thought I will let her file because she'll likely want to get it done quickly because impulsive. She had left all of our responsibilities with loans, creditors etc ( everything was under my name ) on me and left and I couldn't get her to help. That said I filed for bankruptcy protection and the only thing that I wanted was to keep my pension, everything else I have are policies and I had removed her name off of that and I she did just that, filed and didn't fight me in court for my pension.

I feel sad in a way, I recall our wedding day and exFIL had cracked a joke and said "she's yours to worry about now" and my wife was embarrassed. I didn't understand what he meant and I understood later with how everything got in the devaluation phase. I don't understand how her family didn't try to help her, nobody gave any notion that she's suffering from mental illness. But, its over,  not my responsibility to worry about her, her boyfriend can worry about her.

[wellnowonder]

Congratulations.  I will be going to our one and supposedly only court hearing next week; no fault divorce.  No need for any court room drama.  Time to move on!

I understand how you don't understand that her family won't help her.  Soon to be ex's family first openly acknowledged ex needed help a few months ago and wanted to get together and help him but I know that's not happening nor will it ever if they have let decades go by not helping him.  But like you said, not our problem anymore.  We have enough to deal with in the aftermath.

[Mutt]

wellnowonder,

Thanks. Good to hear you're getting your judgment next week   I agree there's a lot to deal with in the aftermath. She didn't give indication that she wants to help herself in our marriage. I don't have to face a possibility of life time splitting and devaluations. My L had given me the advice to wait and the downside was that we were still married. Now I can move on  

[sweetheart]

Hi mutt,

It is sad, I can hear the sadness in your posts. For all that took place between you and your wife, good and bad, a piece of paper doesn't seem substantial enough to convey that. It was an important part of your life. It will always be, you have children together.

Especially when there are still moments you look back on now with understanding that perhaps you wish you had then.

I hope that the divorce brings you peace.   

[Teereese]

I got a Divorce Judgment in the mail today granted Oct 14th.

It's over without a fight in court.

Congratulations Mutt 

It may have been anti climatic but over. It must feel good to know that she is not your problem any longer.

Wish me luck. I have a second round of court next month. I am heading toward the end, I hope.

It's so odd that there are so many similarities with pwBPD. stbxh moved out and left me with all the bills. He refused to pay anything including child support until the court ordered it, then he had a rude awakening with the court order.

Since he was so ready to move out, I expected him to file. Nope. I had to. Best thing I ever did.

I anxiously await the day I can say that I received the finalized order and can move on for good.

[Mutt]

Hi mutt,

It is sad, I can hear the sadness in your posts. For all that took place between you and your wife, good and bad, a piece of paper doesn't seem substantial enough to convey that. It was an important part of your life. It will always be, you have children together.

Especially when there are still moments you look back on now with understanding that perhaps you wish you had then.

I hope that the divorce brings you peace.  

Hi sweetheart,

Thanks sweet heart and Teeresse and good luck. You're right sweet heart, I do feel sadness. Its not how I wanted things to end. After a particularly bad borderline rage at home in 2011. I had told her that night that I had enough, I want a divorce.

She had gone upstairs to our bedroom and I went to sleep on the couch. She came down an hour and a half later and asked me if I was serious and that I couldn't leave her because her grandfather was sick. I said I can't do this anymore.

I saw the saddest look on her face, she went upstairs to bed. I had triggered her fear of abandonment, I had no clue. I was bluffing. I thought that she might snap out of it if  I showed her I was serious about a divorce if things didn't improve. I lost her, it was over from that point on and I was devalued. I couldn't talk to my wife, I couldn't reason with her, I begged her to get back into MC to save the marriage. That's why I feel sad, how I triggered her fear of  abandonment.

[Learning Fast]

Hi Mutt,

Feeling your sadness tonight.  On the flip side, you have helped so many of us as moderator---more than you can know or imagine.  So please remember during your sadness the amount of compassion, hope and direction that you have volunteered that is appreciated by all of us who continue to strive for better days in the future.

Positive thoughts,

Learning Fast

[Suzn]

 

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt,

Feeling your sadness tonight.  On the flip side, you have helped so many of us as moderator---more than you can know or imagine.  So please remember during your sadness the amount of compassion, hope and direction that you have volunteered that is appreciated by all of us who continue to strive for better days in the future.

Positive thoughts,

Learning Fast

Thanks Learning Fast.

[Turkish]

You've come a long way, Mutt, in many ways. Representing yourself in court and winning back joint custody of your kids was some serious Mutt-fu.

Here's to the next years of co-parenting. *clink*

[Mutt]

Here's to the next years of co-parenting. *clink*

Yeah you're right

To next years of co-parenting! *clink*

[Dutched]

Congratulations Mutt that the legal part is over and in a way closed a book.

As I see in many of your wonderful and supporting posts, you found in a sense the emotional rest too despite of the loss of your family and future.

Just be the good person you are as your kids love that person!

Please watch your back too…

[Mutt]

Congratulations Mutt that the legal part is over and in a way closed a book.

As I see in many of your wonderful and supporting posts, you found in a sense the emotional rest too despite of the loss of your family and future.

Just be the good person you are as your kids love that person!

Please watch your back too…

Thanks Dutched.

If I reflect, I really wasn't happy in our marriage and there was a part of me that felt like I wanted the marriage to end, I wanted out, I didn't envision how the end would play out. I think that many members can relate with how messy the end can be. I think that what is important is that the chapter is closed. I don't have to say that I am separated, I can say that I'm a single man  

I'm grateful to have a support network with people that share similar experiences and that can relate with me. It's awesome to be able to post on bpdfamily about my divorce judgement or whatever else is going on in my life and to connect with people and know that someone understands. It really goes a long way.

I found emotional rest from the compassion, help, understanding and wisdom from all of our members. I pay it forward. I would hope that all of our members can find peace.

[Hopeful83]

Congratulations Mutt   And here's to life as a newly single man!

I have to echo what everyone else has said here - your posts are always very supportive, so I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you

Hopeful.

[Mutt]

Cheers and thank you Hopeful83.

I also want to thank everyone for the compliments.

I want to say that I think that one of the most painful experiences was 6 weeks after the break-up and I was in acute emotional distress. I turned to a family member for emotional support. I was told to "get over it".

It was incredibly invalidating when I was going through the most difficult period of my life and I thought "This is my support network, they don't listen to me?"

I understand how important it is to have somebody with a sympathetic ear and I'm happy to listen.

[myself]

Congrats on another step toward freedom.

When I got divorced, I was mostly worried that it would affect my kids in negative ways. There's been an adjustment period for sure, but overall it's been good. I can focus much better on them now (and myself), so things are turning out alright.

Hopefully that's what happens with you, too. Sounds like it already is.

[Beacher]

I'm so sorry you are sad. I also had enough in June and threatened divorce. Was bluffing, we have threatened each other before but it really was a moment of clarity when I realized how physically and mentally downhill I was spiraling. He immediately began moving everything of his out of the house ( not a bad thing, has been a hoarder for 7 years), hid the money, we have been sleeping apart since then. I am very sad and there is a lot financially at stake but I am going to die if thing do not improve. You are strong and are not to blame for her fear of abandonment, it's a symptom of their condition that we cannot control. I hope you find peace and get your life back after the sadness has lifted. Take care

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt,

As hard as it is to read in black & white, I think getting the Judgment behind you is a good thing, from my perspective.  It's onwards and upwards from here.  LuckyJim

[Mutt]

When I got divorced, I was mostly worried that it would affect my kids in negative ways. There's been an adjustment period for sure, but overall it's been good. I can focus much better on them now (and myself), so things are turning out alright.

Thanks myself. It's good to hear it's good to hear that things are good with your family.

I recall thinking that I didn't want a divorce because I wanted to be close to them to protect them, if mom is acting out on dad then it deters attention from the kids, she's not going to act out on them. I think it's better that they don't see dad go through that stuff, they have their feelings about mom and dad. They fantasize from time to time about mom and dad getting back together. I avoided their questions but I gave them a clear no. Their family will always be the family with mom and dad. Its just better this way. I get a like seeing the kids relaxed while they're with dad.

You are strong and are not to blame for her fear of abandonment, it's a symptom of their condition that we cannot control. I hope you find peace and get your life back after the sadness has lifted. Take care

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

Thank you. You are right, I can't blame myself. My guess is that if and when she gets help its going to be because of one of the kids and probably later in life. Time will tell.

Hey Mutt,

As hard as it is to read in black & white, I think getting the Judgment behind you is a good thing, from my perspective.  It's onwards and upwards from here.  LuckyJim

Cheers Jim.  I agree on paper there's no further attachments or obligations, the only obligation is to our kids.

Dec coming will be the 10th year when I met her. The last 10 years have been a wealth of lessons, I did the best with what I knew and there were of lessons, personal self growth and general awareness. The silver lining with a pwBPD. You're right it's time to move on.

[once removed]

its been a long time coming. obviously, it is no celebration, but i am relieved for you, and glad that you have been granted this. i am especially glad that this enables you to move on. you deserve it, i wish you the best possible fortune in it, and as you do meet new people, i am definitely looking forward to celebrating with you  

[mywifecrazy]

ongratulations Mutt. I remember that day well for me in Feb 2014. It was many things,, sad, joyful, anti-climatic. It was many things as so many emotions spiked leading up to that day. One thing I can tell you from experience is that it was the final chapter of my past life and the first chapter of my new HEALTHIER life and for that I again congratulate you!

Hold on to that last thought. She's not your responsibility now nor was her mental illness your responsibility then. We were just nieve and too unhealthy not to realize it then. We were seduced into thinking we could rescue them with good intentions. We didn't realize that by trying to rescue them we were drowning ourselves. It's not cruel to come to this realization its just reality.

Peace to you my brother!

MWC... .

[Mutt]

and as you do meet new people, i am definitely looking forward to celebrating with you  

Thank you once removed. So far the most wonderful thing from this experience is trusting people and knowing that they aren't going to harm me.


I've made new friends and I find that I have been attracting new ones, I keep the good ones very close.

It's nice to see the changes with boundaries, I used to be so worried about what others would feel and think if I did something that they may not like.

Hold on to that last thought. She's not your responsibility now nor was her mental illness your responsibility then. We were just nieve and too unhealthy not to realize it then. We were seduced into thinking we could rescue them with good intentions. We didn't realize that by trying to rescue them we were drowning ourselves. It's not cruel to come to this realization its just reality.

Peace to you my brother!

MWC... .

Thanks mywifecrazy. I understand that you're not on the site so much these days and I appreciate that you stopped by. Its nice to see a familiar face.

I agree, we had good intentions and we were unhealthy with our fixing and rescuing tendencies. Being a caregiver is a part of who I am and I apply myself differently by helping others.

Peace to you brother!