Kindness scares me.

[Butterfly12]

My husband has painted me black for the past two years since I had him arrested for assault. Suddenly, after two years of trying, (mostly ME trying to convince him to try and rebuild the trust he said he lost for me when I had him arrested... .) I gave him something he has wanted for a long long time. An overnight visit with our kids. And now he is being all sweet and kind. He actually called and invited me to come trick or treating with him and the kids... .I've been trying for the past two years to get him to agree to doing something as a family.

I'm completely confused and on guard. I wish so much I could just take it at face value. I just want my family back. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

Can't blame you for being suspicious of his kindness, but hopefully you were able just to enjoy a wonderful evening as a family. 

[Cat Familiar]

I think you're wise to be wary. Pay attention to behavior, not words. 

[Butterfly12]

I have been trying to "listen" to the actions, rather then the words, for the past two years. But since Thursday of last week he has been nothing but kindness to me. And so I am at a bit of a loss. I feel completely like I could be being duped, though. Like who knows... .it could just be the new tactic to have him manipulate and get what he wants... .I just don't know. Like if I give and give and give, because he gives the illusion that he will try and heal our marriage, and then he turns and stabs me in the back... .I'm just so scared.

I so much want to believe that something has changed and he will have turned over this new wonderful leaf on the path to healing... .but. That wouldn't be like any pwBPD that any of us know... .right?

He still won't admit he has a mental disorder... .or is an addict.  :'(  And is happy to lay all blame on me.

[hellosun]

I am so sorry for all you have gone through in your relationship.  

I've a friend who was addicted to drugs, and while she is a charming and loving person (and probably not BPD or anything like that), she was not trustworthy simply due to the nature of addiction. When I interacted with her, I always had to keep this in mind, because it would have been unfair of me to expect more of her than she was capable of.

Sadly, I do think your fear is justified. A person with addictions can become very good at lying and manipulation. Your husband knows your desire to have the family together, and can use your hope against you.

If and when your husband takes responsibility for his own actions, and enters treatment for addiction and BPD, this indicates change, but not before.