feeling rejected

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I'm going through a divorce from my BPD husband who I was married to for 4 years. In my mind, I understand he has an illness, and that it's not about me.

Some days-- like today- I just feel so rejected.  Over time, he just became so cold towards me.  And, he withheld sexual intimacy from me for the last 2 years.

He has, of course, found someone new and I'm sure is being loving, kind, and intimate with her.   

I know  it's part of his illness and that it's not "personal" -- it's his cycle.  I remind myself of this daily.

But how do you keep from feeling it personally?  I used to feel like a confident, attractive person.  I'd like to feel that way again.

[movingon6]

Hi,

I'm going through a divorce from my BPD husband who I was married to for 4 years. In my mind, I understand he has an illness, and that it's not about me.

Some days-- like today- I just feel so rejected.  Over time, he just became so cold towards me.  And, he withheld sexual intimacy from me for the last 2 years.

He has, of course, found someone new and I'm sure is being loving, kind, and intimate with her.   

I know  it's part of his illness and that it's not "personal" -- it's his cycle.  I remind myself of this daily.

But how do you keep from feeling it personally?  I used to feel like a confident, attractive person.  I'd like to feel that way again.

[Mutt]

Hi movingon6,

I can relate with feeling rejected and hurt feelings when my ex wife withheld sexual intimacy. She would project and said that I didn't care or love her enough and that I was withholding sexual intimacy.

I had a chance to talk to her shortly after the split and she said she didn't feel sexual attraction with me and she felt sexual attraction with the her boyfriend and that I was more like a brother. That really hurt.

That's my ex wife and not necessarily the same experience as yours. What was your H like? Did he say anything or give you the silent treatment?

[CharWood]

Hi movingon6. Felt compelled to respond to you, in my situation the roles are reversed. your BPDXH sounds a lot like my BPDxW.

My situation is a bit different. My exW has been on a mad search for a replacement; however, it only lasted a few days at a time or one week tops. I highly suspect she is still hung up on me; though most of the time she will vehemently deny it. Like your ex husband, my ExW has devalued me, denigrated me, put me down, insults me, rejected me, and has withheld sex from me many times. She has done everything she possibly can to push me as far away from her as possible. But Tuesday evening was a break through.

You see, you are correct in your statement that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and the BPD. My ex wife had the first lucid moment she has had in 4 months Tuesday. Not all BPD sufferers have those period of lucidity because they are not self aware enough or the toxic shame is too overwhelming. However, she confided in me that her issues have existed long before I came into the picture. She says that every day she feels like dying. She knows deep down that she destroys everything good in her life because she has no idea how to love herself and cannot fully love anyone else. She told me that she loved me as much as she possibly had it in her to try and love. she looked at pictures of us together and recognized how wonderful and happy our life together was and in her own words proclaimed "I messed that all up". And she did tell me that she misses me. She held me close and cried into me and said she is afraid to get help. she doesn't want to live with the pain anymore though. Her life is chaos and she knows it. She expressed her attraction to me... .even having a crazy moment where she asked for us to have "one last night together"... .

I think your ex husband is probably going through what my ex is. Our relationship is 4 years long as well. It is unusual for a BPD to form such a strong attachment, as most relationships with them are short and intense. I can only assume that somehow, the person deep inside your husband, beyond the borderline, somehow reached out to you and connected with you like my ex wife did with me. None of his replacements will work out. I guarantee it. My ex wife confirmed to me that, if the relationship is profound and long, they always think about you. They have their defense up, but they carry this sorrow and regret around with them.

They have put themselves in their own prison. They destroy everything good in their lives and it is all by their own hand. We cannot fix someone who is broken and will not fix themselves, no  matter how much love or we give. Do not believe you are not attractive and unworthy. Do not let one person, who hates themselves so much that they refuse to try and get help to fix what is broken within them, break you too. Deep down, I am sure your ex husband probably loved you as much as he possibly is capable of doing and most likely compares the replacement attempt to you... .and in the words of my ex wife, I think he knows it doesn't measure up to what the two of you had.

Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Even a small thing to make you feel happy or confident. I think it will go a long way. The more you do for yourself, even if you get the strength up to do little things every day or every other day, the better you will feel about you over time.

[movingon6]

Hi Mutt and CharWood,

Thank you both for your helpful and kind words. 

I do believe my husband loved me as much as he could given his illness.   In one moment of kindness, he so much as told me this in an email after we broke up.

He did communicate about his sexual witholding/intimacy issues when they started-- saying he was just stressed and didn't feel good about himself-- and that it was him and not me.  It started when he lost a job and went on antidepressants, so I thought it was mostly because of that and would pass with time. 

But of course, it never did.  His life kept on being stressful, as his mental health/anger issues made it very difficult for him to succeed or even keep a job or friends really.  He withdrew more and more over time and became really passive agressive and not willing to really discuss or address the issue.

Things really went downhill the last year of our marriage --  when I started catching on to the fact that he wasn't a "victim" in all of these situations and started asking more questions, holding him accountable, and setting boundaries. That didn't go over so well and his anger became much worse and much more consistent and scary... and I began to feel unsafe.

I tried going to couples therapy and it was a total disaster (the therapist's fault, of course).

Near the very end of relationship, I discovered he had been looking at a lot of porn on the internet.  I also caught him soliciting another woman for a date on the internet -- in an obvious way in which he would surely get caught.   By that point, it felt like he was purposefully doing things that were hurtful to me -- he wasn't hiding these things-- he was flaunting them in my face in a really cruel way. When asked about it, he would lie and try to blame me. This was the final straw and led me to end it.

After we seperated, he started sleeping around with A LOT of women -- and went from being sexually withdrawn to acting like a sex addict. 

It was all so bizarre. So it's hard to know what was really going on with him...   For all I know, he could have been sleeping around for years and I didn't see it earlier (he denies this but could be lying).  Or it could just be part of the cycle of impulsive behaviors under high stress when he realized the relationship wasn't going very well. Luckily I got checked and have no STDs.   

I know in my heart and mind he's not well and that he has serious issues and it's not me.  But I think it's going to take a while to detox from it.  I was fully attached in a deep and meaningful way to him. It really sucked to have the person I loved reject me so much for years, but then go to the opposite extreme after I left. It makes me feel so disregarded and disrespected. It's awful.

[Mutt]

I know in my heart and mind he's not well and that he has serious issues and it's not me.  But I think it's going to take a while to detox from it.  I was fully attached in a deep and meaningful way to him. It really sucked to have the person I loved reject me so much for years, but then go to the opposite extreme after I left. It makes me feel so disregarded and disrespected. It's awful.

movingon6,

I think that you understand that he has serious issues and that BPD behaviors are not personal to us but we can have our own feelings.

I agree it's hard when we love someone and they become emotionally distant and cold in the relationship. I don't know you feel but I felt very lonely in my marriage. I felt lonelier in the relationship than being by myself.

I can relate with MC and the hopeless feelings I felt with how I was always the problem, how I didn't understand her and how I was doing everything wrong.

I can see how that feels awful that he was looking at internet porn, checking online dating sites and acting like a sex addict. A pwBPD want intimacy but become uncomfortable when we become close to them.