Don't know where to start - overwhelmed, resentful

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there,

This is my first post. I recognise I have an issue because of how much self-loathing I have, and how my sense of worth is all over the place.

And surfacing right now is how much f*cking resentment I feel for my mother, that I am 43 years old and yet again caught in a spiral of painful feelings, and not knowing if I am ever going to feel good in myself, or whether I am going to continue this up/down rollercoaster - or when I get PTSD triggered by contact.

I just want to shout really f*cking loud. Its not fair. And yes I sound like a victim but I am f*cked off and resentful because of what she did to me, to us (my sister and I). And how its not over, how the damage lives inside of me.

Crying now.

Would love to know how this forum can help, I don't have any money to pay for professional help right now, so any advice on self-healing this would be really useful.

Thanks xx

[waihekefish]

Hi there,

This is my first post. I recognise I have an issue because of how much self-loathing I have, and how my sense of worth is all over the place.

And surfacing right now is how much f*cking resentment I feel for my mother, that I am 43 years old and yet again caught in a spiral of painful feelings, and not knowing if I am ever going to feel good in myself, or whether I am going to continue this up/down rollercoaster - or when I get PTSD triggered by contact.

I just want to shout really f*cking loud. Its not fair. And yes I sound like a victim but I am f*cked off and resentful because of what she did to me, to us (my sister and I). And how its not over, how the damage lives inside of me.

Crying now.

Would love to know how this forum can help, I don't have any money to pay for professional help right now, so any advice on self-healing this would be really useful.

Thanks xx

[Kwamina]

Hi waihekefish

I am sorry that you are struggling so right now. Having a disordered parent can be very tough indeed. Could you tell us a bit more about the things your mother has done to you?

Being raised by a disordered parent can really affect a child and many of our members have found themselves struggling in their adult lives. You mention getting PTSD triggered by contact. Perhaps you will find this recent thread helpful in which we discuss (c)PTSD and dealing with trauma:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice. To assist you in your healing process, I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-hand side margin of this message board. The guide aims at helping us transition from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are right now? Are there any particular steps or areas listed there that you currently find yourself struggling with?

You mention your problems with self-loathing and your sense of self-worth. Do you think this is because of the critical voice from your mother that you've internalized? We have a thread here about talking back to your inner critic that you might also find helpful:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Take care and welcome to our online community