How to Navigate in a Dysfunctional Family?

[cleotokos]

I am pregnant with my first child and thinking towards the future. My brother and stepsister both have daughters (5 and 1&1/2) and I want all these kids to have "family" that none of us had growing up (I don't even know my cousins and aunts who live 40 minutes away). My husband comes from a dysfunctional family as well, I don't know his parents well but it sounds possible his mom is BPD and his dad is N. I actually get along well with them, probably because I DON'T know them well

My husband and I have spoken about what we are going to say to our children about our own parents. How we will explain to them why they are not around? Will our kids be mad and think we didn't try hard enough with their grandparents? Will they feel a sense of loss that they aren't around? But I also want to protect them from their grandparents.

I recently have been torn regarding my dad and nStepmother. Long story short, my niece was taken away from her parents by social services a few years ago and my dad/nStepmother and I were alternating taking care of her. One day nStepmother had enough (literally said "it doesn't suit our lifestyle" and refused to take care of her any longer. They both acted like she was somehow my responsibility and completely washed their hands of her. It had been a stressful time for our whole family. It was only a few weeks before an investigation was completed and she was able to go live with her other grandparents on her mom's side (my drug-addicted brother had alleged abuse on their side, claims which were totally ridiculous). My dad and stepmother never made any attempts to see her after that, for 2 1/2 years, despite her mother calling them and offering. I think nStepmother just doesn't really care, but I believe my dad was too embarrassed about abandoning her the way they did. My dad later admitted that what he did was wrong and he was sorry for letting me down in that situation. nStepmother is convinced she is a saint and I am the one who did wrong things to her at that time. Due to this event I decided I no longer want nStepmother in my life in any way. My dad has a hard time understanding this and thinks I must be some kind of angry person. The reality is I just don't have time or energy to spend on a toxic individual who really ONLY cares for themselves. When we were kids there was a hierarchy where her kids were very important and my dad's kids were treated as outsiders who were lucky to be "allowed" to be around. I see her carrying this through to the grandchildren as she was "grandma" to my niece (her step-granddaughter), then when her daughter had a baby she's "nana" to that baby. It may seem like a small thing but knowing her, it is not a small thing and is indicative of a lot. Who has different grandchildren call them by different names? Blended families are hard but there were never any attempt to make things feel normal for us kids. Rather my stepmother really, really resented that my dad had children from a previous marriage and made it clear we were a burden and inconvenience to her.

Lately my niece has been asking for "grandma" - I'm surprised she even remembers her as she was 1 1/2 when she last saw her (5 now). When I take her to see my dad, she always asks where grandma is and says she misses her. My dad and stepmom would like for me to "get over it" but I have absolutely no interest in that. It's not about anger at someone; it's about being done with someone. Recognizing that this person can only bring hurt to your life. Does that make sense? For me, there's no going back. There's nothing in it for me at all. Recently my husband and my dad both kind of pushed me to once again sweep my feelings under the rug (which I've been expected to do all my life) and go to a family get-together. I have no desire to do this. But my stepsister and her baby will be here from out of town, and my niece wants to see "grandma"... .I feel like the way I feel has a cost to other people here. At the same time, I'm mad that my dad and stepmother haven't made an effort to have a relationship with my niece's mother's family (whom she lives with). They rely entirely on me so that they don't have to deal with it. They don't have to be embarrassed about what they did years ago in the face of her other grandparents who stepped up to the plate in her time of need. I'm supposed to be their buffer and while my stepmother berates me about events from years ago, and repeatedly tries to engage me in triangulation with her and my dad, I'm supposed to be ok with this and continue to facilitate a relationship between them and my niece.

So do I want my children and my niece around people like this? I feel like they are extremely dysfunctional, and it was this event with caring for my niece that really made me see just how bad things were. Prior to that I did a lot of rationalizing of everything they did. But this event was so incredibly messed up, along with how they've acted in the years after. I also feel like this upcoming "family event" will be yet another opportunity for nStepmother to feel like a martyr. I've been so horrid to her, and look, what a saint! She still allows me in her presence. How grateful I should be, and yet I'm so ungrateful! (This is one of her favorite recurring themes with me) Why would I add fuel to her fire?

This is long, I'm sorry. Being pregnant has me thinking a lot about whether having dysfunctional family around is better than no family, and how much dysfunction is ok, and how much I should let pass - and very worried that if I let everything pass, my niece and my child will STILL end up getting hurt by them. I think my niece has already been hurt by them though I don't think she knows it at this age. The questions will come when she's older, and how much can I protect her from the truth of what happened and what kind of people they are?

[Kwamina]

Hi cleotokos

Congrats on the upcoming baby!

I know your story quite well since we joined here around the same time. Based on your posts, I would say your stepmother is a highly problematic person and to me it makes total sense that you would want to shield your own family from her negative behavior. The role your dad has played in all of this is also very unfortunate as he failed to stand up to your ex-mother.

I agree that the way they treated your niece wasn't right at all. I am glad though that your little niece had you during that difficult time.

You've been around here a long time so you are undoubtedly familiar with the material about boundaries. However, since you are now starting a family of your own, it might be good to take another look at it:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

I also encourage you to take a look at the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique which is very useful for asserting yourself and making a change:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

After wandering in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member/child/friend/partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/boundaries with your FOO and asserting yourself? How does the thought of doing so make you feel?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[cleotokos]

Hi Kwamina! 

Congrats on the upcoming baby!

Thank you so much! And thanks for remembering my story. I recognize so many people's usernames here but never know how much others might remember about me.

I don't feel very comfortable asserting myself with this side of my family. I have been around here for years but still have a hard time setting boundaries. I feel like the only real option is to be NC with nStepmother, which she still doesn't respect. But, trying to have something close to that seems to lessen the drama. I think lately she may be "getting it" that I don't want a relationship with her. I've tried to talk to her about things she's said or done that bothered me, coming at it from a "this is my perspective on this, what is yours?" kind of angle but even that seems perceived by her as an attack. So I feel it's quite useless. Not to mention that deep inside I feel like she is just a black hole, an empty shell of a person. I don't think she can see others in any way except for what they can do for her, or if they are a threat to her. If I'm not doing for her, then I'm a threat. It's exhausting and I just don't have time or patience for it.

I've tried asserting myself with my dad but in recent years this has resulted in him painting me as overly emotional, irrational and that I "hold grudges". I was driving him around a lot after he had a stroke last year and when I said I couldn't one day, he cancelled all our other plans to run errands (on other days) by taking a cab to go do them and when I asked him what time he wanted to go, he said he'd already gone. I'm not sure how to respond to things like that. I felt it was an attempt to manipulate me into not speaking up for my own wants and needs by punishing me for doing so and quite honestly it made me feel disgusted and like I don't really care much if I have a relationship with people who do things like this. I didn't say anything to him at the time because I just didn't know what to say or how to react.

The truth is I barely do have a relationship with my dad anymore and I'm kind of ok with that. He's been drinking nStepmother's kool-aid by the gallon in the last year or so which means I've become the scapegoat for any problems between us.

I KNOW that I'm looking at the situation with my niece and my future child through a lens of my own childhood feelings of rejection. I want to protect them from feeling the same, and I feel like I have no reference point for "normal" in this. I feel their actions of not making an effort to see my niece may cause her to feel rejected, and also if she is around them and sees how my stepsister's daughter is treated like gold she will also feel rejected.

I feel like maybe the right answer is not to engage these kids in any "family" events with these people. I take my niece to see my dad at Starbucks every now and then and maybe that is enough. She loves it, he loves it, and there's little drama.

I have felt sucked back into the FOG lately when my husband and dad were encouraging me to go to this family event. My dad always tries to guilt me about missing me at family events (ignoring the fact I wasn't invited to any for years, and was actually UN-invited to Christmas). There's just no acknowledgement of the REAL problem and what's REALLY going on and it is no longer bearable to me. I'd rather opt out of having a family altogether.

[Kwamina]

It's exhausting and I just don't have time or patience for it.

It sounds exhausting too so I can only imagine how it makes you feel! That you are feeling this way is a clear sign too that you need a break and need to put your own well-being and needs first, especially since you are starting your own family now and also have your little niece to think about.

I've tried asserting myself with my dad but in recent years this has resulted in him painting me as overly emotional, irrational and that I "hold grudges". I was driving him around a lot after he had a stroke last year and when I said I couldn't one day, he cancelled all our other plans to run errands (on other days) by taking a cab to go do them and when I asked him what time he wanted to go, he said he'd already gone. I'm not sure how to respond to things like that. I felt it was an attempt to manipulate me into not speaking up for my own wants and needs by punishing me for doing so and quite honestly it made me feel disgusted and like I don't really care much if I have a relationship with people who do things like this. I didn't say anything to him at the time because I just didn't know what to say or how to react.

I am very sorry you had this negative experience with your dad. It really does sound like he was punishing you 'for what you did to him'. His reaction is in my opinion a quite immature way of dealing with the situation. It is very sad that your relationship with your dad has suffered so much as a result of the involvement of you stepmother.

I KNOW that I'm looking at the situation with my niece and my future child through a lens of my own childhood feelings of rejection. I want to protect them from feeling the same, and I feel like I have no reference point for "normal" in this. I feel their actions of not making an effort to see my niece may cause her to feel rejected, and also if she is around them and sees how my stepsister's daughter is treated like gold she will also feel rejected.

I think that based on your experiences and what you know about them, looking through this lens does not only makes perfect sense but is also highly advisable. Your stepmother has shown zero insight into her own behavior, does not acknowledge her abuse and just keeps behaving in the same manner. Unfortunately your dad seems to be totally letting himself be controlled by his wife, possibly out of fear, obligation and guilt. He is still an adult though and responsible for his own choices, he chooses to live this way but that does not mean that you have to make the same choice. You want to protect your niece and future child and I personally think that is the right approach here

I feel like maybe the right answer is not to engage these kids in any "family" events with these people. I take my niece to see my dad at Starbucks every now and then and maybe that is enough. She loves it, he loves it, and there's little drama.

Little things like this to have at least some level of contact with your dad might indeed be the best way to proceed with him. Perhaps in time he'll change, but he has already had a long time to change so in all likelihood he won't, as hard as this can be to accept. Do you feel like you've been really able to accept the reality of your dad, not just the reality of having an nStepmother but also the reality that your dad in many ways hasn't been a real dad? Do you feel like you have been able to let go of the loving fantasy dad your father in hindsight probably never really was and unfortunately might never be? I am not saying that he doesn't love you, but by not standing up to your stepmother he unfortunately did fail you which can be very hard to accept.