The red flags started waving, but for reason, I didn't just walk away.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all.  

I'm still trying to decipher what's recently happened in my last romantic relationship and hope this forum will give me strength, and education?

I'm two weeks out of a relationship with a woman I believe (though not diagnosed) displays some BPD traits. I'm not an expert on BPD and may well be that she simply has a few issues I didn't cope with very well, I'll maybe never know?

I met her working in my local shop in October last year, and noticed immediately how attractive she was. She was very friendly & we spoke easily & freely for the few minutes I was being served by her. I left the shop knowing full well that I'd enjoyed the meeting and would return asap to enjoy a brief chat with her again.

Long story short... .I visited the shop two/three times a week for next few months & by march we were talking on friend to friend basis, rather than staff to customer basis. I asked her out on a date in April & she seemed to think I was joking with her, and to spare any embarrassment for either of us I left it at that. I visited the shop less after that and then didn't return until July... .when she was very obvious in her being pleased to see me again & asked me on a date!

The red flags started waving straight away but for reasons I need to focus on, I didn't just walk away. I found her spell binding & absolutely beautiful. However the warnings were there from the start that I was getting involved with someone who didn't have a good relationship past!

Some of the flags I spotted & ignored straight away.

She cancelled our first date three times, for reasons which I thought were a little lame. It was as though she was nervous about seeing me outside of her work place?

Was very demanding of my time throughout my day at work & txtd me far too much, also getting annoyed if I didn't reply soon enough to her. She seemed to want to know my movements at all times.

There was a lot of push & pull going on. She's claim she was feeling smothered, and then after pushing me away would profess her love for me & go all out to pull me back in.

She would be ok during the week but seemed to create an argument on a friday which wuld result in not seeing each other over the weekend... .then sunday evening she'd be in touch wanting to sort things out.

She had me staying over way too soon, even though her 14yr old daughter lived her. I struggled with this quite a bit, and often wasn't comfortable with how fast things were moving around me staying over when her daughter was obviously having to adjust to my being there.

Her ex partner had thrown gloss paint over her car! This was explained away as him being a whack job! But it didn't stop me thinking he was either mentally exhausted & flipped over the edge with her, or he was a genuine whack job & should I be concerned she dated this guy for 6 months?

I noted from conversations with her, that she'd had three relationships in twelve months & there had obviously been little to no time between these guys!

After our first major argument, she confessed the next day that she'd called up her ex of three guys ago because she was so upset with me. He apparently declared his undying love for her & said he'd wait for her! This was hurtful & I was left wondering if she had in fact not done it but just wanted to gauge my reaction.

If I said anything she didn't like, she'd fly off the handle to a level i found disproportionate to the situation or comment. She didn't seem to care about her remarks to me in these moments & her upsets were often dragged out for as long as possible as though I'd said things nobody could ever recover from!

Her apologies were very plastic feeling, like she was just going through the motions & there was no conviction or sincerity behind them.

Her feelings began to change on a sixpence! What she felt one day could be the opposite by the next day. It was exhausting!


I'm ashamed with myself for knowing all these things aren't normal & still hoping for a great relationship with her. I really need to make some sense of what's just happened to me, why I let it happen to me, and why I miss her like crazy when I've never missed anyone else so much, even though nobody else ever treated me so badly or behaved like this in a relationship with me?

I've been sucked in by a situation I knew was unhealthy.

If you got this far... .thanks for reading.

[Too Soft]

Hi all.  

I'm still trying to decipher what's recently happened in my last romantic relationship and hope this forum will give me strength, and education?

I'm two weeks out of a relationship with a woman I believe (though not diagnosed) displays some BPD traits. I'm not an expert on BPD and may well be that she simply has a few issues I didn't cope with very well, I'll maybe never know?

I met her working in my local shop in October last year, and noticed immediately how attractive she was. She was very friendly & we spoke easily & freely for the few minutes I was being served by her. I left the shop knowing full well that I'd enjoyed the meeting and would return asap to enjoy a brief chat with her again.

Long story short... .I visited the shop two/three times a week for next few months & by march we were talking on friend to friend basis, rather than staff to customer basis. I asked her out on a date in April & she seemed to think I was joking with her, and to spare any embarrassment for either of us I left it at that. I visited the shop less after that and then didn't return until July... .when she was very obvious in her being pleased to see me again & asked me on a date!

The red flags started waving straight away but for reasons I need to focus on, I didn't just walk away. I found her spell binding & absolutely beautiful. However the warnings were there from the start that I was getting involved with someone who didn't have a good relationship past!

Some of the flags I spotted & ignored straight away.

She cancelled our first date three times, for reasons which I thought were a little lame. It was as though she was nervous about seeing me outside of her work place?

Was very demanding of my time throughout my day at work & txtd me far too much, also getting annoyed if I didn't reply soon enough to her. She seemed to want to know my movements at all times.

There was a lot of push & pull going on. She's claim she was feeling smothered, and then after pushing me away would profess her love for me & go all out to pull me back in.

She would be ok during the week but seemed to create an argument on a friday which wuld result in not seeing each other over the weekend... .then sunday evening she'd be in touch wanting to sort things out.

She had me staying over way too soon, even though her 14yr old daughter lived her. I struggled with this quite a bit, and often wasn't comfortable with how fast things were moving around me staying over when her daughter was obviously having to adjust to my being there.

Her ex partner had thrown gloss paint over her car! This was explained away as him being a whack job! But it didn't stop me thinking he was either mentally exhausted & flipped over the edge with her, or he was a genuine whack job & should I be concerned she dated this guy for 6 months?

I noted from conversations with her, that she'd had three relationships in twelve months & there had obviously been little to no time between these guys!

After our first major argument, she confessed the next day that she'd called up her ex of three guys ago because she was so upset with me. He apparently declared his undying love for her & said he'd wait for her! This was hurtful & I was left wondering if she had in fact not done it but just wanted to gauge my reaction.

If I said anything she didn't like, she'd fly off the handle to a level i found disproportionate to the situation or comment. She didn't seem to care about her remarks to me in these moments & her upsets were often dragged out for as long as possible as though I'd said things nobody could ever recover from!

Her apologies were very plastic feeling, like she was just going through the motions & there was no conviction or sincerity behind them.

Her feelings began to change on a sixpence! What she felt one day could be the opposite by the next day. It was exhausting!


I'm ashamed with myself for knowing all these things aren't normal & still hoping for a great relationship with her. I really need to make some sense of what's just happened to me, why I let it happen to me, and why I miss her like crazy when I've never missed anyone else so much, even though nobody else ever treated me so badly or behaved like this in a relationship with me?

I've been sucked in by a situation I knew was unhealthy.

If you got this far... .thanks for reading.

[hopealways]

Welcome to the world of "high conflict"  and dysfunctional relationships.  Don't worry about an actual diagnosis, you seem to have been with a troubled, high conflict woman and this is unhealthy and toxic. It will chip away at you over time to the point where you become a shell of your former self and look back wondering how you allowed it to get this far. Get out while you can (easier said than done) but quit while you are ahead. If I had known what BPD was I would have NEVER gone as long as I did with my ex and now I am slowly piecing back my life together. Don't let it happen to you.

[Suzn]

Hello Too Soft

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry you've been through all of this with your girlfriend.    Breakups are hard for anyone, add in BPD and it can be very confusing and painful. Most of the red flags you list sound familiar. I wanted to first share this video that may give you more clarity on the possibility of BPD traits. This video is a bit long however it will be well worth your time.

What is BPD (48 minute video)

It's understandable to feel we should have known better when things start going wrong however keep in mind we do the best we can with the information we have at the time, not only about our partner but also about ourselves.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

How are you coping with this loss? Taking care of you right now is important.

I'm glad you found us Too Soft. Looking forward to hearing more about your story.  

[pallavirajsinghani]

I'm ashamed with myself for knowing all these things aren't normal & still hoping for a great relationship with her. I really need to make some sense of what's just happened to me, why I let it happen to me, and why I miss her like crazy when I've never missed anyone else so much, even though nobody else ever treated me so badly or behaved like this in a relationship with me?



This is a legitimate question and does warrant deep introspection.  Until and unless you can answer this question, you will never be strong enough to move on to more satisfying relationships... .you may seek to repeat this pattern indefinitely in other relationships... .so I will attempt to give you a couple of perspectives.

1)  Anything and anyone "different" arouses our curiosity.  The difference-ness of her was/is exciting, stimulating, exhilarating.  Pleasure chemicals were released in your brain and these are addictive.  You will continue to chase this initial rush (Dopamine).

2) And then the flight/fight chemical (Adrenaline) gets released due to high stress situations--this alone is addictive.

So, you are moving from one to the other... .burning out the brain synapses, tiring yourself more and more, the will getting weaker and weaker... .chasing an ephemeral high... .whether it is the high of the pleasure or the high of pain.

3) Another perspective is that some people or some situations become powerful symbols to us.  They are in themselves not healthy and we know it, but we need to accomplish that task or must win their affections because they become symbols of those unattainable things that give the promise of being our holy grail.  For Captain Ahab it was a giant white whale, for America at a certain point it was stepping on the moon, for an athlete it is a triathlon, swimming the English channel... .climbing the Mt. Everest... .it does not matter what the goal itself is... .it feels right and it feels important... .like destiny.

So for some, like you for instance, she may have become symbolic of something important to you, a spirit fulfilling quest.  The object and the objective is inconsequential, it is the race and the journey that is the fulfillment in itself.

So, if it is excitement that you seek, perhaps it won't be a bad idea to shift the object/objective to another direction... .and this can't be done until you stop beating yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  be forgiving of yourself. 

My brother is still dealing with this after 21 years of marriage and two children... .perhaps you are asking the right questions at the right time.  Be proud of that.

God bless.

[abhi2940]

The end of my relationship with my borderline was harrowing and exceptionally traumatic. Things were done and said on both sides that make any form of reconcilation even as a friend absolutely impossible. Through self examination and retrospection I now realize that I had to take that rocky road to nowhere ignoring all the red flag signs in order to find myself. Would I recommend taking such a rocky road to any friend or an aquaintance... .NO. But do I regret the road I personally chose to follow in my 6 month relationship with my borderline? Absolutely not. In my case, taking that left at that junction though inadvertently, has led me to personal awakening that I believe would not have been possible without me to take that road of hardship. The pain I endured and am enduring is not to be blamed on anyone. Instead I have to focus on my own journey alone and with that new found knowledge about mysel make it a good one. Ultimately only I had to decide at the crossroad, which direction I will be going and nobody else just myself. And in exercising those decision I must strive to know why I chose to take certain paths and directions. When I was bleeding, I chose not to blame my friend as I later discovered that such dysfunctional person has no logic. Instead I chose to heal myself and to find out why I made that decision, and the answer to that was very straight forward to me without rationalizing myself... .I was craving for emotional attachment.

In some important way the relationship saved or rejuvenated me. The way my borderline partner hung on my every word, responded, looked and listened to me and wanted me, filled an hugely empty emotional void deep inside me. As a result I was willing to tolerate lot of her unacceptable behaviour, ignored the red flag warnings she emitted and never watched or studied her. I was in a coma and vulnerable. Together this made for an incredibly loaded relationship bond between us. She seemed wonderful at first. I could hardly believe it. It was like I have been wishing for this kind of connection forever and now it was finally here. I looked forward for a lifelong relationship which would nourish both of us. But as the relationship progressed I felt increasingly frustrated, confused and tormented. Her disorder was stronger than her love and commitment. It was marked by instability with back and forth emotional cycles of warmth and love, followed by sudden dramatic shift to inappropriate anger and frequent rage. She could not live with a real sense of peace and harmony. She thrived on conflict for it helped her to feel alive. She was a high functioning borderline and acted respectable/responsible in the the outer world but physically volatile with her significant one which was me. I was treated with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty. I was blind and allowed her to run over me. I ignored the low lethality suicide threat she frequently gave as I later found that 10% borderline commit suicide which is seriously ___ing high number. She was internally driven by a fear of total destruction and abondonment. She will never accept responsibility for her behaviour and either reconnect with her seductiveness or blame the whole thing on her partner. The price for the mind blowing sex was my soul and happiness. It was about what she needed in that given moment and had nothing to do with me. For her it would have hardly mattered if I was replaced by some one else at that point. I was nothing more than object who existed to service her whims, needs and insecurity.

What was most annoying was the trauma this sort of relationship leave behind, cannot be comprehended by my own people and it was fruitless to share this with anyone who have not gone through such a mayhem. The online blogs and silently holding my mother's hand were my only sources of solace. I realized what I did was wrong (not immoral) without shaming myself. Mistakes are normal, we all make them, just that we do not repeat them. I realize that there is no reason for my stress. That is solely a self created phenomenon. Love is the most intense feeling in the world especially with someone who has BPD. When you do not get it from any of your previous relationships you are drawn like a moth to the fire. And I was that moth who was scalded and luckily not burnt to ashes. It took a lot of time to feel the road to recovery. The intensity a BPD relationship required or should I say demanded is hard to forget. It seemed that regardless of what she has put me through I just could'nt get them out of my head or move completely beyond the longing I still had. Like an addict, I craved her having back. I remembered thinking there was something wrong with me. I could not stop reading about BPD. I was obsessed. Though a bit late I realized that I was not going crazy, I was just hurting myself and needed to stop. I tried everything to get over it but it just took time. One thing which I learned which I repeat is... .you cannot make logic at something that is totally illogical.

I will never have the answer to those questions I had about my relationship with my ex. The reason being there are no answers. I remember obsessing... .did she ever loved me? Why did she treat me like that? Why did I let her treat me like that? I realized that there are no answer to it as there are none, to such illogical relationship.

I genuinely believe that we are all better off for the emotional lessons we have learned with our BPDs. I consider myself stronger for the experience. Once I allow myself to grieve and heal, I will be much better relationship material. Now that I am so much more consious that it is easier to spot disordered behaviour and the generally dysfunctional traits many people have. In fact the traits are now so apparent in some of my own people that I am better equipped to handle them and even guide anyone who are travelling on the same rocky road.

I hope to end up healthier, happier and stronger than I was when I met her. It wont be easy to get there but I am working hard on it. I am thankful for having tangled with crazy. Trying to love her, destroyed my dysfunctional soul. I hope to build a new soul this time. I am trying to understand that actually she did not really sit and planned to hurt me. It was never about me it was about her dysfunction that she was coping with. When I accept that , I know that acceptance found me and I have healed. I would forgive myself, I am human and if I tolerated such a dysfunctional woman for so long I might well congratulate myself that I am a good person.

Finally I am probably in a far better place than she is now, unless of course she is actively seeking help and therapy for her condition which is highly improbable and perhaps not available here. Forgiving her is the best way to self heal. May she be healed by nature. Let her dysfunctions replaced by sanity, transforming her into a intelligent, beautiful and seductive woman which I dreamt in her...

[pallavirajsinghani]

Abhi/Toosoft:  I am rooting for you guys.  Sending hugs.