I need help determining what's wrong with my mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

(A little background on me, I am 22 year old male living out of home now. I am one of nine siblings (all same mother and father) and our father passed away when I was very young.)


Hi.

I'm posting this message as a way to try and understand what's wrong with my mum. My siblings and I never really talked about it till recently but most of us are grown up now. Things like bi-polar, schizophrenia, depression, and all others sorts have been thrown around. My sister (who has the most contact with her) has decided that she suffers from a personality disorder, such as BPD or Narcissistic disorder. I feel... .I feel naming what's wrong with her kind of devalues how she's made us feel? I don't know if that make's sense but I digress.


She has such a wide variety of problems that I can't determine if they are symptoms or the main issue, but reading through posts here and some research. BPD seems to fit most.

1.She has NO social skills or life. She has no friends and does not talk with anyone outside of the family.

2.She very, very rarely leaves the house. And does not let anyone except the family in. We couldn't get internet for a decade because it meant someone having to come in. Our house basically fell apart because contractors could not come in. No friends, partners or anyone was allowed through our door.

3. She has anorexia. Or some sort or eating disorder. She only eats one meal a day (Which takes about 2 hours and she has her own dinner time). The meal is usually the same for a few months (a sandwich) and then dramatically changes (A packet of cookies). She always says she's fat, obese, yet she is unhealthly skinny. Everyone around her NEEDS to be bigger than her. She fed us growing up incredibly bad food, and large proportions. She encouraged (and encourages my younger siblings) to constantly eat fast food, chocolate,and surgery foods. Healthy foods were NOT allowed in the house. No fruit, or anything that encouraged a 'healthy' diet on the packaging. She HATES when anyone starts losing weight, even if due to sickness, and will scream for hours and hours on end and will in turn refuse to eat herself. Extra meals and snacks were a constant.

4. She has an intense schedule (which I personally think everything above falls down to). The schedule MUST remain and HATES when anything ruins it. We would have lunch at 1pm and dinner at 4pm. Her own dinner would take 2-4 hours) and no one but my sister and a chosen sibling (always someone very young) would be allowed into the kitchen or anywhere near it. No ONE enters her bedroom or the lounge room. These are her rooms. There was even a year two where we had to eat all meals outside (rain or shine) and were not allowed in the house till after 5pm. For any reason including the bathroom. She forces us to fit this schedule and makes us do certain things. Usually the youngest sibling will HAVE to sit with her every night for a few hours. A 9 year old boy has to wake up at 12am to sit with her, got back to bed at 2 am and then wake up for school at 630. Every night

For a few years she would not let us go to school. We had to stay home and 'look after' her. My siblings and I have massive holes in our educational knowledge because or this. She encouraged us to drop out ASAP and most of my siblings did because we were young and of course didn't want to go to school. If things don't go her way, then starts the ruthless insults and screaming. The constant screaming about everything and nothing. Dragging each sibling into the fight until she get tired and goes to her room. Any kind of lateness was unacceptable. 


5. Her sleeping is erratic and strange. She will wake up at 8pm and stay awake till 6am and then sleep.

6. She needs constant affection. Everyday we all need to stay 'I love you" and ask how she is. This NEEDS to be done or the screaming starts. She is NEVER okay. I have never heard her once in my entire life when I ask "How are you" reply with "Im good". She is constantly ill. Even when she is not. This is difficult because she is actually quite sick sometimes but other times she's not. She has claimed she has had cancer, a brain tumor, and other deathly illnesses. She ALWAYS has to be sick. And if anyone else in the household is ill, her sickness is 10 times worse. Being sick as a child was the worst, we would just hide it most of the time because she would get angry and complain about hers even more. She never asks about our day, never asks whats going on with ours lives. There is no normal conversation with her. Just talking about how unwell she is. There needs to be constant attention on her. She becomes worse on our birthdays and holidays because they are not about her. She needs to be showered in gifts during her's

7. Obsession. She becomes obsessed with certain things, like CDs. She bought thousands of CDs because she needs them. DVDs was another. Perfumes was another. Tattoo's was another. If she doesn't get them, then you guessed it. The screaming starts. This is hard because we are a poor family, Living in public housing and surving off my mum's and sister pension.

On the note of obsession, she will need an abundance of certain items. Like, 10 tissue boxes a day, 8 air fresheners a day, 5 bars of soap. 2 packets of cigarettes but wont even smoke them. Just throw them out.


I know this is alot to read but does this sound like BPD? Have you experienced any of this stuff?  It was awful growing up with her, I don't feel like I had a mother and HATE this woman more than anything. If she were to pass away, I think everyone's lives would be a little better. I know that's horrible to say but I don't feel horrible saying it :/

(Please note - I haven't told anyone about my mum really, and I feel so... .negative even trying to, like no one will understand. So writing this made me very emotional and I feel I have may have just ranted and mumbled with no direction and there may be inconsistencies with what I have said. This time period I was explaining was over 10 years and I have picked parts from it, I do aplogise for this. Im just finding it difficult to express this correctly)


Thank you for any help. I just want my siblings to be happy.

[Drauka]

(A little background on me, I am 22 year old male living out of home now. I am one of nine siblings (all same mother and father) and our father passed away when I was very young.)


Hi.

I'm posting this message as a way to try and understand what's wrong with my mum. My siblings and I never really talked about it till recently but most of us are grown up now. Things like bi-polar, schizophrenia, depression, and all others sorts have been thrown around. My sister (who has the most contact with her) has decided that she suffers from a personality disorder, such as BPD or Narcissistic disorder. I feel... .I feel naming what's wrong with her kind of devalues how she's made us feel? I don't know if that make's sense but I digress.


She has such a wide variety of problems that I can't determine if they are symptoms or the main issue, but reading through posts here and some research. BPD seems to fit most.

1.She has NO social skills or life. She has no friends and does not talk with anyone outside of the family.

2.She very, very rarely leaves the house. And does not let anyone except the family in. We couldn't get internet for a decade because it meant someone having to come in. Our house basically fell apart because contractors could not come in. No friends, partners or anyone was allowed through our door.

3. She has anorexia. Or some sort or eating disorder. She only eats one meal a day (Which takes about 2 hours and she has her own dinner time). The meal is usually the same for a few months (a sandwich) and then dramatically changes (A packet of cookies). She always says she's fat, obese, yet she is unhealthly skinny. Everyone around her NEEDS to be bigger than her. She fed us growing up incredibly bad food, and large proportions. She encouraged (and encourages my younger siblings) to constantly eat fast food, chocolate,and surgery foods. Healthy foods were NOT allowed in the house. No fruit, or anything that encouraged a 'healthy' diet on the packaging. She HATES when anyone starts losing weight, even if due to sickness, and will scream for hours and hours on end and will in turn refuse to eat herself. Extra meals and snacks were a constant.

4. She has an intense schedule (which I personally think everything above falls down to). The schedule MUST remain and HATES when anything ruins it. We would have lunch at 1pm and dinner at 4pm. Her own dinner would take 2-4 hours) and no one but my sister and a chosen sibling (always someone very young) would be allowed into the kitchen or anywhere near it. No ONE enters her bedroom or the lounge room. These are her rooms. There was even a year two where we had to eat all meals outside (rain or shine) and were not allowed in the house till after 5pm. For any reason including the bathroom. She forces us to fit this schedule and makes us do certain things. Usually the youngest sibling will HAVE to sit with her every night for a few hours. A 9 year old boy has to wake up at 12am to sit with her, got back to bed at 2 am and then wake up for school at 630. Every night

For a few years she would not let us go to school. We had to stay home and 'look after' her. My siblings and I have massive holes in our educational knowledge because or this. She encouraged us to drop out ASAP and most of my siblings did because we were young and of course didn't want to go to school. If things don't go her way, then starts the ruthless insults and screaming. The constant screaming about everything and nothing. Dragging each sibling into the fight until she get tired and goes to her room. Any kind of lateness was unacceptable. 


5. Her sleeping is erratic and strange. She will wake up at 8pm and stay awake till 6am and then sleep.

6. She needs constant affection. Everyday we all need to stay 'I love you" and ask how she is. This NEEDS to be done or the screaming starts. She is NEVER okay. I have never heard her once in my entire life when I ask "How are you" reply with "Im good". She is constantly ill. Even when she is not. This is difficult because she is actually quite sick sometimes but other times she's not. She has claimed she has had cancer, a brain tumor, and other deathly illnesses. She ALWAYS has to be sick. And if anyone else in the household is ill, her sickness is 10 times worse. Being sick as a child was the worst, we would just hide it most of the time because she would get angry and complain about hers even more. She never asks about our day, never asks whats going on with ours lives. There is no normal conversation with her. Just talking about how unwell she is. There needs to be constant attention on her. She becomes worse on our birthdays and holidays because they are not about her. She needs to be showered in gifts during her's

7. Obsession. She becomes obsessed with certain things, like CDs. She bought thousands of CDs because she needs them. DVDs was another. Perfumes was another. Tattoo's was another. If she doesn't get them, then you guessed it. The screaming starts. This is hard because we are a poor family, Living in public housing and surving off my mum's and sister pension.

On the note of obsession, she will need an abundance of certain items. Like, 10 tissue boxes a day, 8 air fresheners a day, 5 bars of soap. 2 packets of cigarettes but wont even smoke them. Just throw them out.


I know this is alot to read but does this sound like BPD? Have you experienced any of this stuff?  It was awful growing up with her, I don't feel like I had a mother and HATE this woman more than anything. If she were to pass away, I think everyone's lives would be a little better. I know that's horrible to say but I don't feel horrible saying it :/

(Please note - I haven't told anyone about my mum really, and I feel so... .negative even trying to, like no one will understand. So writing this made me very emotional and I feel I have may have just ranted and mumbled with no direction and there may be inconsistencies with what I have said. This time period I was explaining was over 10 years and I have picked parts from it, I do aplogise for this. Im just finding it difficult to express this correctly)


Thank you for any help. I just want my siblings to be happy.

[Kwamina]

Hi Drauka

Regardless of the exact diagnosis, the events you've described in your post clearly show that your mother unfortunately has some very serious mental and emotional issues resulting in quite disturbing behavior. I am very sorry you and your siblings have had to deal with this difficult situation. Unfortunately you also lost your father when you were still very young.

I feel... .I feel naming what's wrong with her kind of devalues how she's made us feel? I don't know if that make's sense but I digress.

I think I understand where you are coming from here. Do you perhaps feel that a diagnosis of BPD or another disorder would in a way be like saying your mother is the victim or that she couldn't help her behavior?

People with BPD are disordered and you could say that their minds are wired differently from 'non-disordered' people. Still, within the context of this different wiring, people with BPD are still responsible for their actions (including not seeking help) and can still be held accountable for them.

Do you feel like your mother on any level has ever shown an understanding or acknowledgment that there might be something wrong with her behavior, specifically the way she treated you and your siblings?

Thank you for any help. I just want my siblings to be happy.

I think it is great that you are not only reaching out here for yourself but also for your siblings. To help you get started here, I suggest you take a look at the Survivor's Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. You can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the guide, are there any particular areas that you currently find yourself struggling with and/or would like to work on?

Welcome to our online community

[Drauka]

Hi Kwamina

Thank you for the reply! It's really refreshing to communicate to someone about this topic, I don't comfortable talking about it with people and I think this is a good step towards that. It felt good to write all that out.

"Do you perhaps feel that a diagnosis of BPD or another disorder would in a way be like saying your mother is the victim or that she couldn't help her behavior?"

I think that's definitely apart of it, and I feel naming it puts a specific label on it. I feel any label wouldn't properly express the problems that we went thought as a family. But I think accepting that there is a disorder will help me get though that.

"Do you feel like your mother on any level has ever shown an understanding or acknowledgment that there might be something wrong with her behavior, specifically the way she treated you and your siblings?"

No, there's never been any form of recognition. She claims everything was done to help us or herself. I truly think she's under the impression that she's never done anything wrong.



I'm looking to take some positive steps for myself and my family. I've been very angry of late and I'm noticing that my siblings aren't responding to that as well as I'd thought. Which confuses me. I'm going to go through those steps and see what I need to work on and see where I am at. Hopefully I can share this with my family and we can move forward together

Thank you again, just writing that first piece was a weight off the shoulders. And I'm keen to read about other people's experiences and be apart of the community!

   

[Sunfl0wer]

Welcome Drauka,

Kwamina gives excellent support. 

I have found excellent support here from so many it is unbelievable.

Excuse me for chiming in ... .in a brief way.  (Hopefully will be asleep soon)

Many of the people in our lives with a PD, often overlap symptoms with other PD.  Your mom may have some OCPD tendencies.

However, I can understand you not wanting to label it.  For some reason, I have often preferred to label as a way to cope.  Then other times, more recently, I feel it more freeing not to label as we are all on some spectrum of similar traits in our personality.  Then even, other times, I have just felt it is plain not fair to let someone off the hook that easy by simply saying they are a label. 

Anyway... .

Warm welcomes,

Sunflower