When they talk about suicide

[CharWood]

I had a very lucid conversation with my BPD ex on Tuesday... .she was able to maintain her lucidity for most of the day up until the very end of the night.

My problem is this: I am not sure if she is truly acknowledging her issues and is getting closer to helping herself or if this is just for attention.

She acknowledged the BPD, agrees she needs therapy. She recognizes that, without therapy, her life will remain chaotic and she will continue to be in a great deal of emotional pain. She said that she is never happy or satisfied, and that, for the first time in her life, she found stability with me and things were going up for her... .however she said that she knows she destroyed everything. she said that she needs therapy badly because she thinks about suicide every single day she said, however, that a lot happened in her childhood and she is scared to relive it, to talk to a stranger (therapist) about it. Her mother is an untreated BPD as well who "does not believe in therapy" and she is afraid of what her mother will say if she goes into therapy.

Of course, yesterday, she put her defenses right back up and went back to devaluing me and being cold and distant.

I am afraid of the suicide talk though. She has said this before but, not like this, not in the manner she spoke about it Tuesday night. She was sobbing and appeared to be reeling from emotional pain, like she had just released everything she had been holding in for months by getting her feelings out. I am afraid that, if she does not get help, if things escalate, she will try something.

Should I be concerned? or is this just an attention getting technique or something to keep me in her life?

[hashtag_loyal]

I would say that if she ever gets any concrete plans for suicide you should intervene, but if all she is doing is talking about, it is most likely just to get your attention.

You always have to remember that pwBPD are master manipulators, and always play the victim. If you are a naturally caring person, don't you think you will give her a supply of attention just because she is "in peril?" My dBPDexgf (waif) contacted me out of the blue yesterday to tell me about the progress she is making in therapy. She also will have "dark thoughts" if she ever comes off her newly-proscribed meds. As the conversation continued, I began to notice her using terms and suggestions I had made previously, and finally figured out she was mirroring my perspective of her condition and my past messages of encouragement! I assure you, if she knows you are aware of her diagnosis, she will attempt to use BPD itself to further play the victim and keep you hooked. It is amazing what manipulators these people are!

Also always remember: pwBPD behave this way out of survival. Your ex is a survivor. She survived before you, and will survive without you, even if she tries to imply otherwise.

[Turkish]

Manipulation, attention-seeking behavior, or whatever, the risk of suicide from people suffering from BPD is real. 10% of BPD patients end up committing suicide. It sounds like she is definitely getting worse. You're still in contact, even if you aren't in a romantic relationship, and it sounds like you do care about her. Her mother's attitude is sad. This may help:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Validating her feelings is a good first step (because her mother invalidates them). In the discussion above, you'll find more info and SI protocols which can help. What are your thoughts, CW?

[CharWood]

hashtag_loyal:

  See, I am not sure if she was doing it to get my attention because she sensed I am really beginning to detach from her since the breakup, even though we still are living in our home together, but in separate rooms, until the end of the year. The anniversary of my father's death from cancer is coming up and we are out of state, away from our friends in family, living here without a support system. I told her that she is more like a roommate to me now and I don't feel comfortable hugging her or confiding in her. I also shot down the idea she has about us remaining "best friends" in the future. So, I think I could have triggered the attention getting. HOWEVER, she has been very impulsive, she went through a bout of constant drinking of alcohol, she is binge eating junk food, spends most of her time laying on the couch... .she is very much despondent and spends all of her time on her phone texting with strangers she meets on the internet or arguing with me. She has lost interest in her life, more than ever, right now and I see that as somewhat of a sign that she is getting worse. ESPECIALLY since she fessed up to having BPD sober and addressed her need of therapy. I wonder if she is crying out for help, even if she pushes me away. It is important to note she has attempted suicide before.

Turkish: yes, she is getting worse. Her cold and distant behavior throws me off though. she is back in denial again and pushing me away very hard... .likely because she realizes she let out her feelings and opened up to me quite profoundly on Tuesday. Her mother is adamant that therapy is BS. Her mother is highly dysregulated and I would say she is worse than my ex. I do care about my ex, though she has deeply betrayed and hurt me, more than anyone in my life ever has. I do not want her to hurt herself. I do not enjoy seeing her in pain. And, if I truly mean anything to her and she is in despair deep down over our break up, I wish she would fight for me, for herself more importantly and do something to save this relationship and herself.  Myself and her mother are the two most important people in her life, unfortunately, her mom really fights the idea of our relationship and dislikes me. Her mother also has thwarted past attempts of my ex to get into therapy.

I am going to read this... .I can work on validating her feelings. I though I had. She said to me "every day I drive to and from work, I wish I would get into a wreck and die... .I think about dying every day. Every day since we broke up"... .My response was "I am very sorry you feel this way and I am sad to see you in so much pain. that must be very difficult. I care for you though and will be here for you"... .

She expressed to me I mean a lot to her, even though she pushes me away. She displayed heavy sorrow for the first time since the breakup over it and told me that the last time she was truly happy was back home with friends and family when we were together... she believes she pushed us to move out of state to run away from her mother and our problems. I agree. I know suicide is a temporary state of mind. I know that I must offer my support to her. But,If I do try to be kind or gentle or supportive and talk with her... she pushes me away and shuts down, has gone back to devaluing me. She is more interested in talking to an internet strange on Skype, though the call only lasted 10 minutes and when I got upset she abruptly ended it. maybe attention getting? to get a reaction to see I care? I don't know.

BPD is maddening to deal with. I don't want to give up on her but the push pull is just crazymaking. I have felt recently like I want to remove her completely from my life because I am just so emotionally drained and tired... .feeling used and abused.