Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, After a lengthy marriage to, and divorce from, a pwBPD, I frequently find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For example, if I'm having an O.K. day, I start thinking that something negative is on the horizon.  If we are what we think about, the expectation of bad news presents a problem.  I try to acknowledge the sinking feeling and dismiss it as just "negative thinking."  I suspect that my experience with a pwBPD somehow makes me susceptible to preparing myself for the worst, even though my marriage is over.  I guess it's a pattern of thinking that is no longer applicable after my divorce, yet persists in my subconscious mind.

Has anyone else noticed this line of thinking in the aftermath of a BPD r/s?  If so, how do you overcome it?

LuckyJim

[myself]

For me, it's not so much the expectation of something bad coming, it's that when something bad starts happening I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed at first/it seems bigger than it is. Then I take some deep breaths and look at the bigger picture, things settle down again, and I'm better able to handle what's come up/gone wrong. In part because of going through such a turbulent relationship and learning ways to calm myself, not take things as personally, etc.

[purekalm]

Hey LuckyJim,

To be honest, I'm not completely away from two of the uBPD in my life, am from one, but I know exactly what you are talking about.

I think, it's habit. You have trained your mind to mentally prepare for an attack of some sort, and now it doesn't have to. Habits die hard. So, instead of dismissing it, try talking back to it in your head or even out loud when you have the chance.

I think it's good you acknowledge the feeling, but instead of dismissing it as just negative feelings tell yourself why you're feeling so negative and be like "I don't have to feel this way anymore, I'm ok now." Something of that sort. It will probably keep happening for a while, but don't quit so you can be free. They say it takes thirty days to start/stop a habit, try to keep that in mind, it will take time.

 I know it sucks, but hopefully you'll be free from that sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen soon. 

[valet]

Hey Jim, in my experience when I try to 'replace' feelings like that, it only prolongs them and re-enforces how they affect my life.

I don't know if this is true or if it will help you, but when I have these kind of lingering feelings come up I let them sit there for a while. I do what I am doing. I leave the house, or listen to some music. Acting on them in ways that center me tend to be more productive than simply acknowledging and dismissing them.

We cannot dismiss our feelings. But we can choose how we act on them. Actions, even in our minds, as far as I am concerned, always speak louder than words.

The idea is not to replace, but to change our instinctual reactions to our feelings.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey valet, purekalm and myself, I really appreciate your suggestions, which validate my feelings.  Right, purekalm, my mind is mentally preparing for an attack, even though I'm OK now.  I agree with your suggestion about talking myself through it when it happens.  Concur, valet, that processing my feelings by acting on them in ways that center me is a good strategy.  My feelings are part of me, so I don't want to dismiss or ignore them.  Some doctors say back pain is caused largely by unprocessed emotions and I suspect that might be true.

Thanks to all,

LuckyJim

[Michelle27]

OH wow.  I understand this totally.  I'm NC with my ex and there are still days I think to myself that the ax is about to fall.  Like others have said, I think it's baggage left over from attacks out of left field for years.  We get conditioned to feel like that's what life is.  It takes time for that to go away.  Personally, I don't expect to be totally healed from all the damage for years.  And that's ok.  I'm not in denial, and I think that's important.

[valet]

Hey Jim, I think in a lot of ways it is also alright for us to say that we are not all the way ok. Even though the danger is gone, the perceived danger is still there. The perceived danger still does affect us. We are only human.

What I have learned (not fully, of course) is that it's alright for me to feel off. As long as I don't try to subvert that pain through drugs/alcohol, ignoring my responsibilities, treating people unfairly, etc, I can process it. Certainly, those feelings make those things harder to avoid. I'm not striving for perfection. I would rather see a gradual uplifting over time.

Why wait for the other shoe to drop when it will drop anyways, in some way, shape, or form? The other shoe always drops, but it is possible to teach ourselves that its sound is the only thing that we are afraid of. This is not possible if we dismiss the shoe entirely.

[Lucky Jim]

there are still days I think to myself that the ax is about to fall.

Right, Michelle27, that's exactly what I'm talking about.  Yes, valet, it's about "perceived danger," even though the actual danger is gone.  Yet the perceived danger affects me in subconscious ways.  I'm having a good day and, sometimes without realizing it, I find my mind gearing up for an attack.  I guess I had so many surprise attacks during my marriage (e.g., a gallon of water dumped on my head while sleeping) that my body is still on high alert even though I'm divorced from BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[eeks]

Hi Jim, have you looked into body-mind oriented approaches to therapy?  I say that because it sounds like your rational mind knows the danger is over, but your body is still responding as though danger could happen anytime.

Peter Levine, Ph.D. and Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. are two researchers/authors that come to mind but I'm sure there are more.  Even yoga or meditation, if you look for/ask about practitioners who are informed in working with trauma.  There's also EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing), I've heard mixed reviews but worth looking into.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, eeks, for your kind suggestions.  I agree; it is a mind/body issue, which is a good reminder that it's time for me to get back to my mindfulness meditation practice, at least as a starting point, while exploring other alternatives.  LuckyJim

[OutOfEgypt]

Being in a relationship with a BPD person, especially if a long-term relationship, can be truly traumatizing.  For me, my ex was instrumental in introducing me to the fact that everything can look like it is going fine but something terrible can be just around the corner.  And when I was with her, something terrible *was* just around the corner... .always.  And really, a lot of life is like that, but the relationship definitely can make us oversensitive to it.  I'm still struggling with it, now that I'm enduring a court battle over parenting time and child support with our children.  And I'm struggling with it when it comes to my ex uBPD's son, who is addicted to drugs and randomly shows up at all hours of the night.  These people wreak havoc and teach us and their children that life is undependable and unstable.  Of course, for most people life is not like that, but for us it has been.  So, I think it is natural for us to realize that so much is out of our control after going through a relationship like that.

I feel the same way.  I wonder what my ex is about to do to royally screw up my new life, use the courts to extort more money from me, or try to take our children.  But it is bigger than her.  My fears and phobias have become much, much greater since (thankfully) leaving the relationship.  The world is no longer a "safe" place where normalcy seems to stick around for very long.  And the difficulty is this... .you can't "unlearn" something like that.  You can't un-experience it.  I think we can learn hope and perspective in the midst of it, but I think it is difficult to undo.  Once you experience how unstable and explosive and scary life can be, it is hard to go back.  It is hard to feel like you can relax.  Life feels like war, and you always feel like you have to be prepared and to look over your shoulder.  How sad.

[Lucky Jim]

OutOfEgypt, Thanks for articulating what I was trying to express about the nagging habit, in the wake of a long-term r/s with pwBPD, of looking over one's shoulder for trouble on the horizon.  16 years of marriage to a pwBPD conditioned me to look for a storm cloud that might appear out of a clear blue sky, for no discernible reason.  When this happens these days, I don't ignore my anxious feelings; instead, I honor them as a normal reaction to having lived with a pwBPD.  Then I remind myself that the danger, for the most part, is over.  Unfortunately I can't go NC because we have kids together.

LuckyJim

[OutOfEgypt]

I hear you!  I wish I could go NC, too, but I can't for the same reason.  But LC helps a ton!  Still, it seems like there is always something.  It is just plain tough.  Even my dad used the "always waiting for the other shoe to drop" euphemism while on the phone with me, yesterday.  We have court with my uBPD ex wife today.  Not looking forward to it, but I believe we are doing the right thing.

It is easy to feel paranoid because of people like this, and, while sometimes it may be overblown, in truth there really are reasons why we feel the way we do.  Just keep pushing to keep her out of your head and out of your life.  The rest you can't stop and can't control.  I find the more I try to stop her behavior, the more I try to manage her drama, the more sucked into it I get.  I need to keep on keepin' on when it comes to removing her from my household (and thoughts) emotionally.  You are right.  Most of it is over, and there is a limit to what you can do to stop the rest.  So at some point we need to just do what we can and let the rest go.  Still, even though I don't want to wish for my kids to grow up any quicker than they already are, part of me does long for the day when they are grown.