My R/S is at a standstill...the "Y" in the road, need help

[walbsy7]

So I have stood my ground on my beliefs, set my boundaries on her violent actions, etc... .and all my wife says is she wants a divorce, she hates me, etc. It is so draining, but I know that it is me. I believe she is starting a smear campaign against me. My family (the one she despises) she now talks to and she tells me they are on "her side". She is hostile towards me, relentlessly calling me just to tell me she is done and all of the things I have done wrong, and all the problems I have. She tells me I am stubborn for not changing, and I am not loving her. I do not know where to turn. I told her if she wants a divorce than go get papers. She has a huge phobia of driving, and since we live in an area which is new to her she basically refuses to drive. I told her than obviously you do not want a divorce bad enough because you will not drive to file papers. Your phobia of driving is obviously more than your hate towards me. I just do not know what to do. I spoke to her parents for advice (shortly after she defaced me to them, and they openly spoke with me about what to do. They strongly urged therapy and support me. Since then I have been trying so hard to get her to therapy, but she is so dam stubborn and relentless on her thoughts. I try to support her saying I love you and support you and want to help, whatever your version of help is, because I see how angry and upset you are all of the time. She is miserable and I can not help her. She found out that I spoke to them and that started a huge blowout that I still can not live down. I am now contemplating going to my mother, who I have not spoke to for a year and a half (and from my wife she now hates me and sides with her and thinks terrible things about me). I am thinking on telling her about how I think she has BPD. I think I need to do that so she can begin to relate and see the things that have affected me and her. I have seen how this BPD has literally negatively affected every single person in my life. Her BPD has literally negatively impacted everyone in my life, which has had a negative impact on me.

I dont know where to go, I am at the y in the road. Coincidentally, there is also a traintrack intersecting the Y in the road, and as I look to the left I see a huge freight train about a quarter mile away steaming towards me. Please help me get out off of the tracks and tell me to go left or right.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[walbsy7]

Nobody?


An update on my end here, shortly after writing this, I left work and on my way home my wife said divorce is final. Her parents are flying out to sit down with the two of us and to discuss further actions to make the divorce as painless as possible and to discuss what's best for our 1 year old. She said she talked to a therapist (YAYYYY) for an hour. This was great news since I have been stressing therapy for her/me/us for a long time now. The thing is of course she tells her side and I am made out to be this horrible unloving husband who abuses her and told her I am 80% of the problem. Whatever I think things on that front will work themselves out. I got home and was told she has an appointment st 230 on Saturday. I said great, I was really supportive of that. She kept saying she doesn't need to change and she is going to see how she can get a divorce and whatever. The story changes all of the time. Her parents then never came out to see us, I don't know if that was a ploy or not. I know she spoke with them thoroughly though. It took a lot of work to actually get her to therapy though.  She had 2 rages within an hour before the appointment and nearly turned the car off while driving when going there. I know the therapist she called, who referred her to another therapist and I called yesterday and said I just want to tell you I believe she may be borderline, however j never said it to my wife. She went today, got a piece of paper on how to deal with emotions. (Right path I hope). She said I am still the problem and whatnot, but I am going to therapy next week. I know I have things I need to work on, like communication and stuff, but she thinks I am going for other reasons. I am going to deal with her, how to handle her behaviors. I think that by doing that, and keying in on where I fall short, will make the situation work out nicely. (Very optimistic I know).

[flourdust]

My wife threatens divorce all the time. At least weekly, sometimes more often.

I don't engage. I don't argue with her, I don't debate it, I don't plead, I don't make threats or ultimatums. I just don't respond at all. I ignore it. I figure that if she wants a divorce, she can go and file for one, without me helping or hindering her. So far, it's just been empty threats. I think she does it as a way to both verbally hurt me and make a play for sympathy/affection/remorse.

Stand your ground on your boundaries. Ignore provocations like threats of divorce. Words are cheap and easy to use to try to hurt you. Ignore words. Only respond to actions.

[Lostindirt]

Walbsy,

I know that's frustrating when you don't get any feedback on here. 

My take on this is it is an extinction burst.  Now that you are changing the dynamic and working toward a healthier relationship you are challenging a lifelong control pattern of your wife's.  I think I've seen it said on here and other places that it always gets worse before it gets better. So stick to your guns, and like flourdust says don't respond. Remember it takes two to argue. If you think it really is the final straw with her,  you may as well lay everything on the table, but make sure that is what you want to do.