How to validate w/o accepting the blame - examples pls

[Leena]

Part of me would love to just walk away with my kids and get on with my life. I do 90 % of that, 100% of the housework and looking after him and his mother and a full time job.  I am lost in it all. I have a great sister but she needs to lead her own life. Also, when he is not flaring at nothing he is fun and caring and the man I love. But I really dislike the other side of him and that is putting it mildly.

The bad bits are getting more often and more intense, because it might affect the kids (hearing us argue, listening to his language) he gets worse, and it is all my fault ( what he says is my fault, wow if only I could make him say what I wanted my life would be great!)

I want him to sit back and to think what he has said and how he has reacted is excessive but even if he realises it when he considers it he feels totally justified in behaving that way. Because of history, I don't learn, I refuse to change. Hah I feel like I am constantly changing, adapting to new restrictions, rules and trying to read his mind so I don't trigger a flare. Sometimes I try so hard to do the tight thing I manage to do something worse.

I am also finding it hard to validate without just accepting the blame. The problem is the pattern of our arguments is such that if I don't accept the blame he would stay angry for even longer than the 24 - 48 hrs that is the average currently.

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[RedPixie]

Hi Leena

I'm new here. I'm going to watch your post as i too struggle not to just accept blame for a quiet life...

Ok , yes i must have done it accidentally. ...

[babyducks]

Hi Leena,

Validating is a little tricky to learn at first.    It helps to practice on someone other than your husband when you are first starting.   I used to practice on people at work.  I didn't tell them what I was doing of course.  

Validating doesn't mean agreeing with our pwBPD.   It doesn't mean accepting blame.


The first step is to stop being invalidating.

Some examples of invalidating responses:

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"... .but that's not what I said... ."

"This is what happened"

"NO, you've go it wrong!"

"I AM doing it right"

"you're not doing that right. Let me do it for you"

"I was only trying to... ."

"Why can't you just let it go?"

"why do you always have to do this?"

or it may just be the way we sigh, raise our eyebrow, or even worse - roll our eyes  

Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with BPD):

*ordering them to feel differently- ":)on't be mad. Get over it."

*ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."

*denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"

*making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"

*trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"

*minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"

*using reason- "you are not being rational"

*debating- "I don't always do that"

*judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"

*turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"

*trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"

*telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"

*defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"

*negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"

*sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"

*laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"

*philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"

*talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"

*showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"

*trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"

*explanation- "maybe it's because _____ "


If I am starting to JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain I am starting to invalidate.


The second step is starting to validate.

Validating is finding something to acknowledge in the current mood that is,... .well valid.   Don't validate the invalid.   for example if you slip and drop a bunch of plates in the kitchen and hear something like "you are always so clumsy banging around in there like that"  that's invalid, you don't want to validate that.   you could validate "yes it can be startling to hear sudden unexpected noises."

validating statements reflect back the mood/emotion that is being expressed.   I often start a validation statement with the word "You"  

You have a point about the ... .

You look like you have had a bad day... .

If validating is tough I resort to a SET statement Support Empathy Truth.   You seem frustrated with XYZ, it would probably upset anyone to have to deal with XYZ, what I think would be a good idea here is ABC, what do you think?

Does this help?

'ducks

[ArleighBurke]

Also feel free to "reframe" their comment to allow you to agree with it.

So with the example of if you slip and drop a bunch of plates in the kitchen and hear something like "you are always so clumsy banging around in there like that"  reply with "Sorry - I can be clumsy sometimes". You are agreeing with the statement of being clumsy (which validates), but you are also putting it in context ("sometimes". I find this helps me agree so much easier (and my wife accepts it).

Eg. When my wife comes home and sees me on the internet with the kitchen a mess (despite that I've only JUST gone onto the computer, and I spent the last 2hrs vacuuming, doing laundry, homework and dinner) she may say "I see you're looking after yourself and leaving the dirty work to me again". A possibly good response is "yes it can be difficult to manage everything sometimes" or even "I know you'd prefer a clean kitchen when you get home - come sit down and I'll take care of it later".

So only validate the bit that may be true - and recognise it's about them - not you.

[babyducks]

Eg. When my wife comes home and sees me on the internet with the kitchen a mess (despite that I've only JUST gone onto the computer, and I spent the last 2hrs vacuuming, doing laundry, homework and dinner) she may say "I see you're looking after yourself and leaving the dirty work to me again". A possibly good response is "yes it can be difficult to manage everything sometimes" or even "I know you'd prefer a clean kitchen when you get home - come sit down and I'll take care of it later".

So only validate the bit that may be true - and recognise it's about them - not you.

Very nice point about only validate the bit that may be true.

Here is a quote from another member and another thread on validation:

(In-)validate the (In-)Valid

There are four combinations possible and at the beginning it is easy to loose perspective and get stuck. First let's start with priorities - what order should they be considered?

  1) Don't invalidate the valid,

  2) Validate the valid,

  3) Don't validate the invalid,

  4) Selectively  and carefully invalidate the invalid.

1) Don't invalidate the valid

Avoiding invalidation is incredibly important. In a healthy relationship validation dominates invalidation 5:1. Invalidation pushes a pwBPD quickly to an emotional excitement level where reason fails. But when we invalidate the valid it becomes truly toxic - we sabotage sense making and the weak regulation mechanisms that do exist.

It is easy to invalidate the valid: We may dislike our SO crying so we tell them to cheer up. We may believe the reasoning of the pwBPD faulty (life is miserable and there will never be an end to it) and we tell them they should feel different. We usually run the risk of invalidating the valid if we forget that the pwBPD as a totally different perspective - we are tempted to say something that is valid from our perspective but the pwBPD's world may be dominated by very different concerns. The sun may be shining but the a recent trigger brought some sad emotions up that now dominate totally - and we don't even have a clue.

A good anti-dote here is to remember that validation starts with acceptance.

2) Validate the valid

Now this seems obvious. Still reaching out when someone is crying and touching them or saying it's o.k. you cry is not always the easiest move. Validating positive situations is also important - cooling down someone who feels over the top to a level where reason is available can help to stabilize the positive situation before it flips to dispair. Some think validation is like candy and should be given sparingly. I see it more like a piggy bank - try to fill it at any opportunity you can. In the long run you may be rich and in the short run it can save you over unanticipated crisis.

3) Don't validate the invalid

This is important - we don't want to endorse unhealthy behavior. The real risk here is that we validate the invalid habitually as it is an easy short term way out. Some people take this rule however more important than the first two rules which is sadly mistaken. Fear sets in - fear of making mistakes. Here it is critical to maintain perspective. We are not perfect and wrongly validating once is a while will happen and usually is less damaging than wrongly invalidating.

a) validation is about the moment. We are usually not really in the big decision making game. Yes, we hear that we will be divorced or that dynamite will be ordered to blow themselves up. But we are not dealing with words expressing facts and serious commitments but words expressing emotions. Our words don't need to be meant for long term either - they are for the moment. This is not to say we should be lying but we should be lightweight on commitments/hard facts.

b) we may see the statement by the pwBPD as invalid but isn't that a form of b&w thinking on our side? Is our own emotional excitement strengthening the judgmental part in us? Often there is truth in what a pwBPD says even when big parts of the statement is way off. We can focus our validation on that valid part strengthening what is right.

c) Often better is taking a step back and not responding directly but responding to e.g. behavior instead of words or earlier valid behavior or words. That way we step out of the ping-pong and take control of the exchange turning it into a more constructive direction.

d) a-c are really critical to stop the fighting.

4) Selectively  and carefully invalidate the invalid

Remember invalid statements by pwBPD are often used by them to elicit an invalidating response from us (to confirm their suspicion that we are hostile). Perspective is everything.



Imagine a house on fire and someone is running past you into a dead end corridor. You are a firefighter coming in and know for sure that there is only a brick wall in the direction the person is running and the exit is in the opposite direction and free. It is high time to invalidate that person. You probably yell to make sure you are heard. You probably startle the other person. But what other choice do you have?

Most situations are better handled by using SET or simply validation. This allows the pwBPD to come to own conclusions on which they then can build in the future.

It's been my experience that I can't validate my way out of a dysregulation.   That's where the other half of the equation comes in, boundaries.   Validation is a communication tool that opens lines of communication and allows both of us to be heard.   It helps to keep the frustration from building on both our parts.

'ducks

[Chilibean13]

I am also finding it hard to validate without just accepting the blame. The problem is the pattern of our arguments is such that if I don't accept the blame he would stay angry for even longer than the 24 - 48 hrs that is the average currently.

It  may seem this way at first. And there may be times that you were really in the wrong and should apologize for what you did (I still apolgize when I'm really in the wrong). But I think it's important to keep it in perspective. FOr the longest time I thought my husband wanted not only an apology, but an apology where I groveled and cried and asked for his forgiveness. That's not really the case. Usually they just want to know that we hear what they are saying.

When I see a confrontation coming on, I repeat to myself in my head ":)on't JADE." Because it's easy when we are being accused of something to try to defend ourselves and stick up for ourselves. I also have to practice validation techniques out loud when I'm by myself. I practice phraes like, "I would feel the same if... ." "I hear what you are saying... ." "I can understand how it would feel/seem... ." "What I hear you saying is... ." And IT WORKS! My uBPDh doesn't need apologies as often anymore, which means that I don't have to take the blame for his overexagerated perception, which means that in my mind, I know that I know I'm not the bad person, even when he tries to make me the bad one.