Telling Dreams or Nightmares?

[confusedDaughter]

My Mother is 75 year old uBPD.  Ranges between high functioning and low functioning depending on where she is in her life and who she is around.

Right now, she is low functioning.

She had a minor surgery several months ago and is milking it for all it's worth.  Should be totally recovered.  Instead, she is lashing out at all family members, particularly our father.  It has been rock bottom her, and therefore for the family since last March.

Her behavior is nothing new. We have known it for the last 50+ years.  The ups and the downs.  We have read the eggshells and borderline mother books and they are our autobiographies.

I am not sure if this goes on this board or not since it's about me and not about her.   I have not shared this with nBPD family members father and sister. We (father, sister, and I) usually share things.

I have been dreaming about her dying and my reaction to it in the dreams is not what I think I would do if I were not dreaming.

1) This was the night after her most recent surgery.  She was acting up in hospital post surgery.  We were to go get her and take her home the next day.  That night in between, I dreamed that when we got to the hospital, she wasn't there.  They told us that she had died and we needed to go to some other place to pick her up.  

In this dream, I dreamed that we (the family) said oh, OK.  We were unemotional about her.  Neither happy, nor sad, just blank.  We decided that we would go to a festival for the day and come back and get

her after it was over.

Then I woke up.  

2)   Two nights ago I dreamed that she took all of her pain pills.  She has a bunch because she kept saying that they made her sicker then refusing to take them, so there are quite a few stockpiled.

We found her and she was still breathing but just barely.  We decided that rather than calling 911 we would wait a few minutes and call the undertaker.  

Then I woke up.

Both times, I woke up after the three of us had decided what to do, so what happened next was not there.

I know that dreams are not necessarily what our subconscious is thinking.  

I still feel guilty over them. I feel even more guilty about the fact that when I woke up, I was initially disappointed that they were only dreams.  After I got over the disappointment, I felt guilty and ashamed and was glad that I was the only one who knew (until now).  I wondered if it were real I would have reacted the same way, and sure do hope that I would not.  

[Turkish]

Hi confusedDaughter,

It sounds like you torn between wishing the drama/trauma would end and what a child should feel about their parent, no matter what. There's nthng wrong with honring, respecting, and taking care of our parents when the times come. However, the latter can be invalidating for us, especially if the world sees things differently.

Though not a dream, I was thinking similarly tonight. How would I feel, and if I felt not sad, but relieved, would I feel guilty? Tough questions of ourselves. I think that not a few of us here also struggle similarly.

Do you have anybody in your life to whom you can safely share your dreams and feelings?