Hoping I'm recycled.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm 2 weeks NC, and I know how messed up things have been, but I'm really hoping she reaches out again just so I can have sex with her one last time. Almost as a sense of closure.

Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone else actually done it? And if you did, did it help or hurt you?

I know I am hurting, and I miss everything, but that is just floating around my head and I don't know what I should think about it.

At the same time, I'm afraid of not being recycled, that it might make me feel even worse, as if I'm not even wanted to be used. ___ I hate how pathetic it sounds but that's the honest truth.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

[homefree]

I'm 2 weeks NC, and I know how messed up things have been, but I'm really hoping she reaches out again just so I can have sex with her one last time. Almost as a sense of closure.

Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone else actually done it? And if you did, did it help or hurt you?

I know I am hurting, and I miss everything, but that is just floating around my head and I don't know what I should think about it.

At the same time, I'm afraid of not being recycled, that it might make me feel even worse, as if I'm not even wanted to be used. ___ I hate how pathetic it sounds but that's the honest truth.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

[Kelli Cornett]

Did you go NC?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, total empathy here.

I had the experience of my ex coming back and sitting across the table with me at dinner and flirting with me and talking about sex.

A few days later he had painted me black again and was threatening me with a PPO.

Just realize that you can get in an endless cycle looking for "closure" because every time you get ditched again, the feeling of emptiness and incompleteness is the same.  

I want to be recycled right now, too, and I know that my ex has probably come close to contacting me this week.  But I also know that this relationship is like running into an electric fence repeatedly.  The closure you crave does not exist, so you need to ask yourself what else you think you can get out of getting back together.

[C.Stein]

It doesn't help.  Parts of me also hope she comes back, but parts of me are downright scared.   I would love one last passionate love making session with my ex.  

You won't get closure having sex with her and you won't get closure if you make love to her either.  All it will accomplish is keeping the pain fresh and opening the wound even more than it already is.  Thing is, it won't be enough even if you did get it  ... .it will never be enough and you will still want "one more chance" to get your "closure".  It is really a no win scenario.  

[hashtag_loyal]

I'm really hoping she reaches out again just so I can have sex with her one last time.

First of all, if you really want to have sex with her, why don't you reach out? Most girls find it attractive when the man takes initiative, BPD or not.

Second of all, let me get a few things straight:

1. This person has hurt you, so you think that... .

2. You'd like to have casual, emotionless sex one last time in order to... .

3. Gain a "sense of closure"?

Honestly, if your purpose is to confront the beast once again -- in all its gory, BPD horror -- just so that you are reminded of how terrible it is so you will no longer want to go back, well then, I suggest you save yourself some time, heartache and potential STD exposure and just read through about 100k or so of the posts on here. You'll quickly reach the same conclusion, but without having to add some more sodium chloride to the ol' emotional wounds.

[homefree]

Yes, I went NC. She unknowingly was seeing another guy, so she was completely okay with it.

She then announced their relationship on facebook a week later. She told me she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, so we never changed our status or publicly let anyone know who wasn't in our presence (when it would be somewhat obvious). We were together for almost a year.

She is so enamored with this new guy that I don't imagine her wanting to contact me for any real reason unless it falls apart, but I'm still hoping for completely selfish reasons that she will try to contact me.

It's only been two weeks. I'm sure things will change quickly, but I really really miss having sex with her. It was always amazing.

I know it's not worth it, but my brain just doesn't care. I will walk back as soon as she wants me to, under the illusion that I can keep myself safe and just enjoy the good stuff and disregard the bad since I see her differently now.

The healthy thing would be to walk away and get on with my life, but I'm no where near that right now. Maybe I'm just horny, but I'm pretty sure it's more than that.

[homefree]

1. This person has hurt you, so you think that... .

2. You'd like to have casual, emotionless sex one last time in order to... .

3. Gain a "sense of closure"?

Yes, that's pretty much it. I feel like I need the physical/emotional release in order to feel balance again.

I understand how daft it sounds, but it is definitely what my brain is telling me.

[tribalmart]

U already have 2 weeks NC and should be proud of it. Otherwise, I dont think wishing to recycled is gonna be helpful for you... .it would be a huge step behind! And believe me BPD sufferers are like a drug you are addicted to... .sex only one more time will just increase your addiction to her... .been there done that!

The only way to heal and to get better is to go NC. I understand what you are going trough, I miss sex too with my ex BPD gf but does sex Worth it.?... .does a 20 minutes high is enough if you compare to the conséquences. Think about it... .being or having sex with her will re-open the wound, by staying NC for 2 weeks the long Healing journey is already started so try to focus on something else. I'm NC for 6 weeks and I feel better, less rumination and less anxious. Im going to the gym more than ever, eating well and go out as often as I can... .Dont give up and keep sharing with us trough this site it will help you alot!

[C.Stein]

The healthy thing would be to walk away and get on with my life, but I'm no where near that right now. Maybe I'm just horny, but I'm pretty sure it's more than that.

IMO I don't think it is more than that.  Do the healthy think and walk away with at least some of your dignity and self-respect still intact.

[Climbmountains91]

I'm not going to lye I'm hoping very much he does recycle me but not for sex. I just think that will in the long run hurt you more and don't think it will bring you closure in the slightest. I do miss the sex he was awesome at it ! The best I've had but to have sex and then for him to reject me after is the thing that sucks, telling me to go home before and after the deeds done, no affection after either, emotionless like I'm a one night stand because he can't sleep in the same bed. We've tried being sex buddies but I just end up hurt and triggers my rejection issues but hey do what you feel you need to do. We can all only advise.

The recycling bit though I understand fully, everyday I prey for it. Like I'm planning to go NC like I did last year for a month and half and then we met on the bus by accident and we were going to the same place for an appointment then we hung out and then he told me a week later he had feelings for me and he wants us to take it slow, six months later though. Bye! Oh how I wish for that recycle again. I know I shouldn't. Argh.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think the hard part is that we often times ARE what the person needs, objectively -- we do love them unconditionally, are committed to them, do accept their flaws, etc.  We just want to whack them over the head with something until they SEE that.  The thing is, the disorder will blind them to that.  I am sure that my ex spent Thanksgiving alone yesterday, maybe eating a frozen pizza with his cats.  If he would have called me up, I gladly would have asked him over for dinner and made sure he wasn't alone, but he is so hung up on all the ways that I might hurt him that he prefers to spend the holiday alone.  I have accepted that the ball is out of my court on this one. 

I think when we wish for a recycle, we think that they will finally REALIZE that they were wrong about us, and that we are what they need.  They might realize this, but it will ALWAYS be temporary.  That is the dirty trick of the whole thing -- a recycle that looks like learning and growth can disappear like a puff of smoke. 

[Herodias]

 I went no contact for a month. I easily love-bombed him to come over and have sex with me a few times while he was with his new Gf. I thought it would be justification, I thought we could have a few more times like the beginning for him to remember me this way instead of the "boring" person he made me out to be. It didn't change anything. He acted like he wanted to come home to me one minute, but ultimately stayed with her. He knew things were bad with us, because I wouldn't accept the drinking and the cheating. It didn't make him want to change or get help. I would have been better off staying no contact. It didn't make me feel any better at all. If you really just want sex, you can go out and get it anywhere. Just remember the diseases they may have  as well. Lucky for me my tests came out clean... .you just never know. It doesn't feel the same when they have been with someone else... .you can actually tell the changes. They act and do things different. It is not good to know... .trust me.

[C.Stein]

It doesn't feel the same when they have been with someone else... .you can actually tell the changes. They act and do things different. It is not good to know... .trust me.

Sigh.  That is why once that line is crossed there is no return.   :'(

[butterfly15]

It doesn't feel the same when they have been with someone else... .you can actually tell the changes. They act and do things different. It is not good to know... .trust me.

Sigh.  That is why once that line is crossed there is no return.   :'(

this sadly is one of the reasons I suspected he was cheating. He said a couple things during that just didn't seem right for the relationship we were in. I think he knew he was busted. I miss the amazing sex as well. It was the best ever and lasted forever. So much passion. The aftermath isn't worth it. That's the only thing I miss. I've been NC for over 2 weeks. I struggle.

[C.Stein]

That's the only thing I miss.

I wish I could say that is the only thing I miss.  Unfortunately the last 6 months of our relationship there was almost no love making or sex.  I wasn't staying with her for the physical part, as good as it was when we were together, I was staying because I was in love with her ... .and perhaps also because I had formed a trauma bond with her.  I don't know.  We had some passionate and tender love making sessions that lasted 3+ hours.  Never in my life have I been so deeply bonded with a woman as I was with her.  

[Herodias]

I stayed because I felt in love with him as well... .I certainly went through tons... I took care of him so much in times of trouble and he was in the hospital. I really don't see how he is not doing all of that now. I think they are so childish and play act nieve' and we feel very needed. I am sure it's part trauma bond as well. It wasn't really love though... .When you are in love, you don't have to prove it all the time or wonder what they are up to or be abused. I am having a hard time being alone and thinking I always will be. : ( It's almost a year that we are separated and I don't feel a whole lot better. I finally let go and went no contact 3 months ago, so maybe I just need more time.

[homefree]

In my head I think I just want to feel validated that she would try to get me back. That would at least give my poor self-esteem a boost I really could use right now. Even if I don't reply, I would feel better that she even remembers me. That maybe she would be missing what she doesn't have any more and appreciate me a little bit.

I have no confidence that I would be able to stay NC if she tried to reach out to me. I'm in a very shaken state. I've lost 12 lbs in the last 5 weeks, and it's not because I have been trying to.

God this is so stupid. Some times during days I see how good it could be to have my thoughts free of her and how much better my life could be than it ever could be with her now that the honeymoon period is long over. But there is some part of me that panics like a child that I need to keep remembering her, to keep thinking about her, because if I don't, all of those good times would just evaporate like it never happened, and all the good times we had would be lost. As if not actively remembering as much of it as you could would in it's own way cause it to no longer exist. The relationship is gone, now these memories are the only thing left to show for it, and walking away from it is basically choosing to kill it. And I can't do that.

I think I've answered my own question that I can't just have sex one last time and somehow feel like I can walk away. I'll end up back at this same place because it doesn't change the underlying problem. And anything she does could so easily have me believe that there might actually be something more than just these memories. And I will suffer just the same.

This understanding changes nothing, however. Not right now.

I can only hope I can maintain this NC long enough without hearing from her so that I can get to a point where I won't get sucked in so easily.

And I have to figure out some way of accepting that it's over. And fully understanding why that's a good thing. I will keep posting here. This is helping. Thanks for all your replies. I've only started posting, but reading your stories has helped for over a week now. Really helped.

[no_ordinary]

hey homefree... .you will have to get through this kind of hesitation by yourself, but i hope that some of our experience could and will help you.

btw, two days ago, i had a "meeting" with my ex BPD gf, after year and a half, and now, i can finally say that i'm totally and officialy free. it took me so long, but time healed the old wounds, information and experiences of others helped me a lot.

after a couple of drinks, she invited me to her hotel room to extend the evening, ... i refused and left home, like a would never in the past. 

proud of myself. i wish you all the best.

[homefree]

Truly impressive, no_ordinary. I hope to get there one day.

I hope to become someone with the self-esteem, self respect, and self love that can look back at a girl that treated me with such disrespect, such inconsideration and self-serving disregard and see her for the person she really is instead of the illusion my brain keeps pushing on me. I have a long road ahead, I think, I just need to keep moving forward. What else can I do?

[once removed]

hey homefree 

i think i understand. in the aftermath, i discovered my ex invading the email attached to my facebook and reading my messages. a small part of me felt angry that my privacy was continuing to be invaded even after how shed ended things. a larger part of me clung to the knowledge that at least she was thinking of me. looking back, that was a pretty low place to be, but its where i was.

two weeks is, in my experience, and i think in general, a very short amount of time in the bigger picture. everything is very raw and youre experiencing some complicated and overwhelming feelings. try not to be hard on yourself for what youre going through.

i do agree with the others. sex with her will not bring you closure any more than whether she contacts you or not reflects on your self esteem or self worth. its hard to see that right now beyond how you feel; thats okay. its not expected to happen over night or necessarily even time soon. this is a process and i think youre right that you have a long road ahead. we are here for you for every step of the way.

as for what else you can do, have you considered seeing a therapist? building self esteem and self love takes a lot of work and its difficult to know where to start.

[homefree]

Thanks, once_

I just started to see a therapist. It is going well, I feel, even though it just started.

This whole experience has brought to light a lot of issues that I have with low self esteem and losing myself in a relationship. It's one of the reasons this is so difficult for me.

I realized that it's not just the breakup I'm dealing with, but a lot of old issues that I never realized I had. I guess in a way I should be grateful that this happened because it's allowing me to address things I never would have discovered otherwise.

[C.Stein]

I guess in a way I should be grateful that this happened because it's allowing me to address things I never would have discovered otherwise.

This is a good, healthy way to take something positive away from an extremely painful and devastating loss.   

[tribalmart]

Great way to deal with the situation Homefree... .everything happens for a specific reason! It's so true... .Nobody with a good self-esteem, self-respect, pride & dignity will stay in this type of r/s... .it's so toxic! It's like torturing yourself and as good people we dont deserve this pain! Healing from a r/s with a BPD sufferer could be a huge step and a major improvment in your life!

[Herodias]

I think my self esteem is better the older I get. I don't like the feeling that I will never meet anyone else... I guess I have always felt that way and that's why I take the first one that stays with me! Not good. Mine does contact me each month, it doesn't make me feel any better, because he is trying to stir me up! Last month he said he was having his lawyer file paperwork to the courts to fight the payments he is making me... .Then he says we should speak, I don't like the distance between us! It's not like he is saying I mess you! So what does it matter that he is contacting me... .I ignored him, and I have not gotten any paperwork by the end of the month as he said I would. I figured he was lying- again! Nothing changes.

[Lonely_Astro]

I'm 2 weeks NC, and I know how messed up things have been, but I'm really hoping she reaches out again just so I can have sex with her one last time. Almost as a sense of closure.

Has anyone else felt this way? Has anyone else actually done it? And if you did, did it help or hurt you?

I know I am hurting, and I miss everything, but that is just floating around my head and I don't know what I should think about it.

At the same time, I'm afraid of not being recycled, that it might make me feel even worse, as if I'm not even wanted to be used. I hate how pathetic it sounds but that's the honest truth.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

You know what they say: the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone.   

Seriously though, all joking aside, it's best to leave the past memories of those steaming, emotionally charged love making sessions where they belong which is in the past.  I, too, had flights of fancy about mine wanting one last romp.  In my mind, it would make everything I've been through worth it to experience her just one more time.  I also know that I am weak.  One more time would mean one more time and so on.  I'd never want to let go, so I'd forever be chasing the ghost that is her.  There was a time that I felt we were on the verge of hooking up again, but it never happened.  You know what?  I'm glad.  I'm glad I saved myself the heartache, the anxiety, and the not so good that would've came of it.