Having difficulty pulling the NC trigger

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I never really struggled at other times to do this and hold to it for a while at least.

But now I really know I need to do it, although we aren't officially "over" we have a total breakdown in communication and things are not going to improve.

I need to stop "reaching out" which is what I've been doing in weak moments because the disinterested/cold responses are really hurting me and the pain is just ongoing.

Any advice?

[Infern0]

So I never really struggled at other times to do this and hold to it for a while at least.

But now I really know I need to do it, although we aren't officially "over" we have a total breakdown in communication and things are not going to improve.

I need to stop "reaching out" which is what I've been doing in weak moments because the disinterested/cold responses are really hurting me and the pain is just ongoing.

Any advice?

[Beach_Babe]

It sounds like you want a low (not a nc thing). Other people here have made this work, but you must remain indifferent. Do you think you can do that?

[guy4caligirl]

So I never really struggled at other times to do this and hold to it for a while at least.

But now I really know I need to do it, although we aren't officially "over" we have a total breakdown in communication and things are not going to improve.

I need to stop "reaching out" which is what I've been doing in weak moments because the disinterested/cold responses are really hurting me and the pain is just ongoing.

Any advice?

Inferno ,

We all make mistakes,  we are only human don't beat yourself too much , I have done that before and when I got to hear her again and again "move on ,as I did ,Consider me dead ,am never going back to you "  It just crushed and put me back to day one of the break up , I came to a point where I felt more confident and said enough is enough ... .

After 5 years R/S 14 months B/U I went NC a 100 days now.

Guess what it's very hard but achievable, she texted from the " dead" and called me a week ago for an hour , for the first time I was in control and showed indifference and validated her without disrespecting myself any more it's not worth it anymore .

take good care of yourself .

[MSNYC]

Agreed, don't beat yourself up over this. NC might be a goal you want to meet, the way I want to not eat carbs anymore. But I did have a donut for breakfast this morning and the world didn't collapse. Forgive yourself, stay on top of your emotional well being, and think through what it is you want.

Also, don't pull the NC trigger unless you are SURE you can stick to it - pwBPD need good boundaries, and if you suggest NC but can't stick to it, you'll be the person who cried wolf.

[Lonely_Astro]

So I never really struggled at other times to do this and hold to it for a while at least.

But now I really know I need to do it, although we aren't officially "over" we have a total breakdown in communication and things are not going to improve.

I need to stop "reaching out" which is what I've been doing in weak moments because the disinterested/cold responses are really hurting me and the pain is just ongoing.

Any advice?

I am LC with my pwBPD.  I plan to go NC, in time, when I feel I am ready.  I know being NC is the best course of action, I just haven't reached that moment yet.  I know once I go NC, there's no going back as others have said.  Once you set that boundary you can't cross it.  My LC is winding down as we haven't had any contact via phone for 4 days.  I saw her at work today and there was some talking, but it wasn't super deep (she asked me about my child, what I did over the weekend, etc).  I was very plain in my responses.  She said that she wanted to talk to me soon when she felt ready... .but I don't think that will really happen, so I'm not going out of my way to plan/expect that.

I'm not sure why I'm not ready to go full NC yet, but I know I am not so I won't force the issue.  In time, I will be ready, just like you will be.  It's a process in its own right (some are forced NC immediately, others drift away).  I happen to be in a drift away moment (she doesnt want me to leave but is doing nothing to prevent it... .you know the drill).

Life moves forward at different speeds for everyone.  Take your time, there's no rush.

[MSNYC]

On a related note, it might be nice to start a thread for those of us who are NC or LC, something along the lines of "come here to post the things you WANT to say to your ex". Kind of like a message in a bottle or something.

[Lonely_Astro]

On a related note, it might be nice to start a thread for those of us who are NC or LC, something along the lines of "come here to post the things you WANT to say to your ex". Kind of like a message in a bottle or something.

That's not a bad idea, really.  It gives you a place to get it off your chest (whether you're LC or NC, doesnt matter).  We all want to be heard (and in some ways get feedback).

I actually journal to my pwBPD.  She, of course, doesn't know that.  I write her a letter when somethings happening in that journal.  I always have this fantasy in my mind that she mystically gets better and I let her read it so she can see how much I actually do love her and how much I've endured during the relationship.  I know that it will never become reality, but its a nice daydream.

[once removed]

hey inferno 

are you asking how to handle the weak moments or a plan of action? when is the last time you spoke? are both parties making contact?

On a related note, it might be nice to start a thread for those of us who are NC or LC, something along the lines of "come here to post the things you WANT to say to your ex". Kind of like a message in a bottle or something.

That's not a bad idea, really.  It gives you a place to get it off your chest (whether you're LC or NC, doesnt matter).  We all want to be heard (and in some ways get feedback).

I actually journal to my pwBPD.  She, of course, doesn't know that.  I write her a letter when somethings happening in that journal.  I always have this fantasy in my mind that she mystically gets better and I let her read it so she can see how much I actually do love her and how much I've endured during the relationship.  I know that it will never become reality, but its a nice daydream.

its a good idea for a thread. if one of you would like to start it id be glad to join in.

[Infern0]

hey inferno 

are you asking how to handle the weak moments or a plan of action? when is the last time you spoke? are both parties making contact?

On a related note, it might be nice to start a thread for those of us who are NC or LC, something along the lines of "come here to post the things you WANT to say to your ex". Kind of like a message in a bottle or something.

That's not a bad idea, really.  It gives you a place to get it off your chest (whether you're LC or NC, doesnt matter).  We all want to be heard (and in some ways get feedback).

I actually journal to my pwBPD.  She, of course, doesn't know that.  I write her a letter when somethings happening in that journal.  I always have this fantasy in my mind that she mystically gets better and I let her read it so she can see how much I actually do love her and how much I've endured during the relationship.  I know that it will never become reality, but its a nice daydream.

its a good idea for a thread. if one of you would like to start it id be glad to join in.

I spoke to her around an hour ago, she initiated.

She won't address " us" or what's happening with us, all I get is that she needs to think, but she still wants to talk and be friendly.

I believe she is lining up a replacement and will discard me fully when that's established

[Lonely_Astro]

hey inferno 

are you asking how to handle the weak moments or a plan of action? when is the last time you spoke? are both parties making contact?

On a related note, it might be nice to start a thread for those of us who are NC or LC, something along the lines of "come here to post the things you WANT to say to your ex". Kind of like a message in a bottle or something.

That's not a bad idea, really.  It gives you a place to get it off your chest (whether you're LC or NC, doesnt matter).  We all want to be heard (and in some ways get feedback).

I actually journal to my pwBPD.  She, of course, doesn't know that.  I write her a letter when somethings happening in that journal.  I always have this fantasy in my mind that she mystically gets better and I let her read it so she can see how much I actually do love her and how much I've endured during the relationship.  I know that it will never become reality, but its a nice daydream.

its a good idea for a thread. if one of you would like to start it id be glad to join in.

I spoke to her around an hour ago, she initiated.

She won't address " us" or what's happening with us, all I get is that she needs to think, but she still wants to talk and be friendly.

I believe she is lining up a replacement and will discard me fully when that's established

Why I fully admit to being LC, mine had not talked to me since Friday.  Today, she saw me and talked to me (at work).  She broke down and starting crying, which was awkward for me.  We weren't able to really talk at that moment beyond a quick moment. 

Later, she stopped by my office and we did talk some about the past few days.  It was a pleasant exchange (I listened mostly), where she actually hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.  She has never done that at work.  She also seemed lucid to me, but it could be an illusion.  Not really sure.  She made it a point to assure me that she had not been doing anything "wrong" (i.e., replaced me or having sex with someone, etc).  That, by itself, made me wonder if she is fact doing the opposite.

She did call me after work (FaceTime, actually), another bit of an oddity.  We talked more about what was going on.  I wasn't fully prepared for that.  We are still LC, of course, and I have no intention on "going back" (to whatever I was going back to).  I just wasn't fully prepared for today, I guess.

[once removed]

okay. so lets define what you want here. you feel pain as a result of most contact. there are options. im sure you roughly know what they are.

1. you can limit contact. not really initiate. be boring when she contacts you. fade out. you may still be in contact if your prediction comes true and it will hurt.

2. you can dramatically cut her off. block her everywhere. sudden, hard, fast.

3. you can tell her you feel its best if you two go your separate ways and go your separate way. i understand that doesnt speak to what she might or might not do. you can act accordingly (unfollow, block, ignore, she doesnt have to know, but you can avoid any contact and take a cooling off period before a hard decision)

which of these do you think fits you and your situation the best? im obviously not in your situation but somewhere between 1 or 3 seems practical to me. its about you though. if 2 is best for you, its best for you. any of the three may have speculative consequences.

why do you believe shes lining up a replacement and about to discard you?

[C.Stein]

She made it a point to assure me that she had not been doing anything "wrong" (i.e., replaced me or having sex with someone, etc).  That, by itself, made me wonder if she is fact doing the opposite.

You know, that is something I wonder at times to.  Why bring something up out of the blue unless you are trying to establish a "truth" based on a lie.  My ex gave me a fairly expensive gift for my birthday the first year we were together and almost immediately after she gave it to me she said something like I know what your thinking and I didn't do anything wrong.  Well, I hadn't been thinking anything other than what a generous and thoughtful gift she had just given me ... .but as soon as she said that I'm thinking why would she even say something like that.   I am baffled to this day over that.

[steve195915]

I tried to go NC with my BPDgf several times but couldn't do it so we're back together.  I think its common for the BPDs to keep options open due to their fear of abandonment so they keep contact with their past relationship partner.  The previous partner may feel that they are being strung along until the BPD is fully established in another relationship and then they'll be dumped but thats not what I've observed.  My experience is that the BPD will keep the options open if its possible, however often the BPD thinks once they're in a new relationship the ex will be upset and will abandon them anyways so they may not contact you because of their thoughts.  So if you want to keep the contact going then tell you're BPDex that you will remain their friend regardless of their situation and that you will always be there for them if they need support or someone that will listen or talk.  Be careful though because the BPDs new relationship most likely will not last and they will be calling on you again. If your desire is just LC and not to start up the relationship then you'll need to be clear on that when the BPDex does call on you.  

For me, if we break up again, I'm done on trying to make our relationship work, and I will go with the LC route.  The NC way doesn't work for me as it makes me feel too guilty, wonder too much if she's trying to contact me, and how she's dealing with the situation.

Anyways I'm still staying hopeful.   I've researched, read books on her condition and I've improved my responses to her verbal attacks and actions greatly.  So far so good though it is stressful and demanding to always be on guard to her triggers as well as mine so I don't take things personally and say negative things back.  Hopefully I can maintain my own sanity.  Wish me luck!  

[Infern0]

I tried to go NC with my BPDgf several times but couldn't do it so we're back together.  I think its common for the BPDs to keep options open due to their fear of abandonment so they keep contact with their past relationship partner.  The previous partner may feel that they are being strung along until the BPD is fully established in another relationship and then they'll be dumped but thats not what I've observed.  My experience is that the BPD will keep the options open if its possible, however often the BPD thinks once they're in a new relationship the ex will be upset and will abandon them anyways so they may not contact you because of their thoughts.  So if you want to keep the contact going then tell you're BPDex that you will remain their friend regardless of their situation and that you will always be there for them if they need support or someone that will listen or talk.  Be careful though because the BPDs new relationship most likely will not last and they will be calling on you again. If your desire is just LC and not to start up the relationship then you'll need to be clear on that when the BPDex does call on you.  

For me, if we break up again, I'm done on trying to make our relationship work, and I will go with the LC route.  The NC way doesn't work for me as it makes me feel too guilty, wonder too much if she's trying to contact me, and how she's dealing with the situation.

Anyways I'm still staying hopeful.   I've researched, read books on her condition and I've improved my responses to her verbal attacks and actions greatly.  So far so good though it is stressful and demanding to always be on guard to her triggers as well as mine so I don't take things personally and say negative things back.  Hopefully I can maintain my own sanity.  Wish me luck!  

In my case, her starting another relationship is my line in the sand for absolute and permanent no contact.

As i say we are not officially "over" although it sure feels that way, but if i ask about it i'm just told she needs time to think about things etc.

I have been replaced once in the past, and getting over that took a lot, and a lot of assurances it wont happen again, as i say i feel it is likely going to happen again this time.

I guess i'm just trying to mitigate the pain, but it's not easy

[C.Stein]

In my case, her starting another relationship is my line in the sand for absolute and permanent no contact.

I feel the same.  In the past I would overlook things like being replaced, but at my age I can't any longer.  My ex has almost certainly deleted me from her life completely ... .she said she would.  She will never come back and it is highly unlikely she will ever contact me again.  It is easier for her this way, she doesn't have to face the shame and guilt she feels.  When her new relationship fails, and sadly it almost certainly will, she undoubtedly will think of me once again, but I doubt she will contact me. 

For me, now that I've been "completely" replaced, and very quickly I might add, I have very mixed feelings towards her.  I am still in love with her, always will be, but at the same time I feel disgusted by her.  I am still attracted to her but the thought of being with her is almost repulsive.  It is difficult to deal with these conflicting emotions.

[Lonely_Astro]

She made it a point to assure me that she had not been doing anything "wrong" (i.e., replaced me or having sex with someone, etc).  That, by itself, made me wonder if she is fact doing the opposite.

You know, that is something I wonder at times to.  Why bring something up out of the blue unless you are trying to establish a "truth" based on a lie.  My ex gave me a fairly expensive gift for my birthday the first year we were together and almost immediately after she gave it to me she said something like I know what your thinking and I didn't do anything wrong.  Well, I hadn't been thinking anything other than what a generous and thoughtful gift she had just given me ... .but as soon as she said that I'm thinking why would she even say something like that.   I am baffled to this day over that.

I did point out to her (in a previous conversation) that I suspected she had replaced me or found a new supply because her behavior is mimicking the behavior she displayed back when she was cheating on me in July. I think maybe she felt the need to assure me that wasn't the case, but I still suspect she was lying to keep the door open on us (in case she needs a fallback). Even as of today, she walked by my office and had an interaction with a former lover of hers (the one she claimed she slept with only once because she felt 'pressured' to do so. Keep in mind we had previous discussions about that I was uncomfortable with her directly/indirectly engaging with him). He was poking fun at her and she (in my opinion, in her flirting kind of way) argued back with him. He happened to be around my office door, but she made the choice to engage him in a certain way as an attempt to invoke another emotional response from me. Or at least that's how I feel.

I am working closer and closer to NC, simply because I don't like the anxiety I am feeling right now. I can see the craziness more clearly now. Maybe she meant nothing by it or was actually 'telling' him she didn't find his comment funny, but I just don't feel that was the case. What I do know for sure is that being involved with her this year was the best and worst year of my life.

[Skip]

I spoke to her around an hour ago, she initiated.

She won't address " us" or what's happening with us, all I get is that she needs to think, but she still wants to talk and be friendly.

I believe she is lining up a replacement and will discard me fully when that's established.

Contact is not the issue here, I don't think.    The issue is solving the 2 good 2 leave, 2 bad 2 stay equation ("too good to leave, too bad to stay".

Inferno, you two have recycled many few times. You pursue her pretty hard, she remains aloof and doesn't have time for you. She dated another guy / created a huge drama. You have over-reacted at times (jealousy) and created drama.  It's not a good "give and take"... .

But it is 2 good 2 leave, 2 bad 2 stay... .

The obvious advice is to stop basing your decision on her next action and base it on the big picture.  Can you live with more of what you have been getting (or with a 15% improvement). Should you stay and learn to live with her style or is this a flawed relationship that will never be healthy?

I get the "line in the sand" with cheating - that makes sense.  Maybe its time to raise the bar a bit.  Easier said than done, and many of us have had this same struggle, but it might help to think in terms of the bigger picture.

[Infern0]

I spoke to her around an hour ago, she initiated.

She won't address " us" or what's happening with us, all I get is that she needs to think, but she still wants to talk and be friendly.

I believe she is lining up a replacement and will discard me fully when that's established.

Contact is not the issue here, I don't think.    The issue is solving the 2 good 2 leave, 2 bad 2 stay equation ("too good to leave, too bad to stay".

Inferno, you two have recycled many few times. You pursue her pretty hard, she remains aloof and doesn't have time for you. She dated another guy / created a huge drama. You have over-reacted at times and created drama.  It's not a good "give and take"... .

But, 2 good 2 leave, 2 bad 2 stay... .

The obvious advice is to stop basing your decision on her next action and base it on the big picture.  Can you live with more of what you have been getting (or with a 15% improvement). Big picture - should you stay and learn to live with her style or is this a flawed relationship that will never be healthy?

Well skip the question on my side is if i am able to clean my side of the relationship up

i.e stop persuing, stop over-reacting, stop creating my drama

can the relationship then work

I would say that at best our rs is 55% healthy, so that 15% improvement takes it to 70%

if that is achievable, then yes i'd like that.

In truth i don't know if i'm able to tidy my side up, at least at this stage of my life

i just dont know

[steve195915]

I'm new on this site but in the short time I've been on I find it amazing how similiar my situation is with others.  My BPDgf has told me several times in the past 2 years we've been together that she needs time to think after we had a fight and may not see me or talk for days or a few weeks.   The fight will be about something completely made up by her, things like she accuses me of cheating, or sometimes over ridiculous things.  Once it was because I bought Rice Krispies cereal and she accused me of not caring about my health and that I have no repect for my body... .and I was a mother f---ker for buying crap like that.  :)uring the separations, She would say she's not going to see anyone or do anything wrong but I do wonder if she wants the time to get other options.   Anyways we always end up back together.  One time we were apart 2 months and she did see someone else but I let that go.  I do have mixed feelings; I love her more than anything and when she shows love its amazing but then at any time I know she may be triggered and then I get the verbal abuse, the actions and words like she could care less.  I then think that she doesn't care so I need to move on and I ask myself why would I want to put myself through this craziness.  So when I try to move on and tell her that, she cries and says she doesn't care to live anymore and wants to die and may kill herself, and that everyone she loves abandons her and that she loves me with all her heart and soul.  When I hear this and see how she acts, I feel she really does love me and how can I walk out on her when we love each other and she needs me.  So we get back together.  I now know a life with her will be full of chaos, pain, frustration, disappointment and hurt with times of intense passionate love.  I keep being hopeful, figuring if my responses to her anger, negative words or actions change, I can manage our relationship and keep it somewhat stable.  However, if she cheats then I am done.  Maybe I'm not being realistic but I feel I need to see if my responses to her outbursts can make our relationship bearable and acceptable.  I would like to hear any success stories to give me encouragement.  So far the stories of the BPD relationship were mostly negative and just keeps going in circles.  The only successes I've heard of is when the BPD partner acknowledges their BPD and seeks (DBT) therapy.  I'm not there with my gf yet.  

[13YearGoodbye]

I would like to hear any success stories to give me encouragement.

I hope you are not waiting to eat until someone posts a success story. You might get pretty hungry.

[Infern0]

I'm new on this site but in the short time I've been on I find it amazing how similiar my situation is with others.  My BPDgf has told me several times in the past 2 years we've been together that she needs time to think after we had a fight and may not see me or talk for days or a few weeks.   The fight will be about something completely made up by her, things like she accuses me of cheating, or sometimes over ridiculous things.  Once it was because I bought Rice Krispies cereal and she accused me of not caring about my health and that I have no repect for my body... .and I was a mother f---ker for buying crap like that.  :)uring the separations, She would say she's not going to see anyone or do anything wrong but I do wonder if she wants the time to get other options.   Anyways we always end up back together.  One time we were apart 2 months and she did see someone else but I let that go.  I do have mixed feelings; I love her more than anything and when she shows love its amazing but then at any time I know she may be triggered and then I get the verbal abuse, the actions and words like she could care less.  I then think that she doesn't care so I need to move on and I ask myself why would I want to put myself through this craziness.  So when I try to move on and tell her that, she cries and says she doesn't care to live anymore and wants to die and may kill herself, and that everyone she loves abandons her and that she loves me with all her heart and soul.  When I hear this and see how she acts, I feel she really does love me and how can I walk out on her when we love each other and she needs me.  So we get back together.  I now know a life with her will be full of chaos, pain, frustration, disappointment and hurt with times of intense passionate love.  I keep being hopeful, figuring if my responses to her anger, negative words or actions change, I can manage our relationship and keep it somewhat stable.  However, if she cheats then I am done.  Maybe I'm not being realistic but I feel I need to see if my responses to her outbursts can make our relationship bearable and acceptable.  I would like to hear any success stories to give me encouragement.  So far the stories of the BPD relationship were mostly negative and just keeps going in circles.  The only successes I've heard of is when the BPD partner acknowledges their BPD and seeks (DBT) therapy.  I'm not there with my gf yet.  

Same exact pattern here. I feel like she uses the "time to think" to start talking to exes or people on tinder to scope out a possible replacement and if she can't find one within a couple of weeks then she comes back to me

[steve195915]

"""""I hope you are not waiting to eat until someone posts a success story. You might get pretty hungry."""""



Great advice since I want to lose 5 lbs! So I'm going on a hunger strike until I hear a success story with a BPD partner.  Thanks for the encouragement, !

[Skip]

We have a number of success stories here. Adults. Children.

And most of our exs would not qualify as clinically BPD - the majority have traits.

We had troubled relationships.  A partner with traits of a mood, impulse, or personality disorder is tough. But let's not base our healing on the "they are all failures" mantra. It's not the sturdy foundation.  

[steve195915]

Same exact pattern here. I feel like she uses the "time to think" to start talking to exes or people on tinder to scope out a possible replacement and if she can't find one within a couple of weeks then she comes back to me

I suspect the exact same thing and also I wonder if even when we are together and doing well if she's flirting or even maybe going out to dinner with another guy at times.  I think that because sometimes she doesn't respond to my texts or phone calls for a few hours when usually she always does instantly and also when she is with me she always has her phone with her and checks it constantly.  Also, the few times this occurs is when she wants to know exactly what I'm doing at that time and makes a point to let me know she may be out walking her dogs or running errands.  When I ask her why no response she says she didn't have her phone or didn't hear it.  Makes me wonder if I'm just being paranoid or insecure.  One time she texted me she was going to this beach park to walk her dogs and will call me when she got home.  I texted her back right away to let her know they close the park at dusk so she had no time to walk there since it was almost dusk.  I got no response to the text so I called several times and no answer.  I then drove to her house and her car was in the driveway and dogs barking in the house.  When she called me 3 hours later and I asked where did she go, she said she told me but only walked on the sidewalk up to the gate of the park which didn't seem much of an exciting walk to drive 15 minutes too.  When I said I saw her car in the driveway and dogs in the house then she said she did walk and then stopped by a gf's house on the way back, then they walked their dogs there also, and then her gf wanted to go to Walmart and drove with her back to her house, left her car there, dropped off her dogs and then went to Walmart.  Again I said that can't be true since it takes 15 mins each way to drive to this park, usually 30 minutes to walk, then drive to her gf, and walk there also.  I was at her house in 45 minutes from when she initially texted me and her car and dogs were at her house.  Her final story now changed to say she only went to her gf's, took a short walk there and then went to Walmart.  I asked why not just tell me that in the first place and I got some lame reason that since she texted me originally she was going to the beach park she didn't want to differ from that.  Of course this conversation was over multiple days with verbal abuse from her mixed in with yelling from her accusing me of not trusting, of me being insecure, me being a mother f--ker... . I'm still not possitive what the real truth was about that evening and it doesn't make sense that when I asked what she did, why not just say she stopped by a gf's, walked there a little and went to Walmart, if that was the truth;  A normal person would.  I learned that what a BPD person says isn't logical so I'm doing my best to believe the last version.  Anyways I'm still committed to this relationship as long as there's no cheating and I'm not suspecting that she does.  I only suspect that at most she may be trying to have other possible options in case I abandon her so she may be acting friendly to other guy's but I doubt if she actually see's them or has any phone contact.  Also, she has a full work schedule, her activities are mostly with me with common acquaintances so there's not a lot of opportunity for her to meet others.

Sometimes I think why couldn't I just fall in love with a 'normal' person.