Finding the courage to leave

[Flutterby32]

Hello everyone! I am a 50something transgender woman who is both in the process of transitioning, and about to end my 20 year marriage.

I came out to my spouse in about 2006 or 07, at which point we had been married for more than ten years. I would have come out to her sooner, but I was not able to deal with it at all until just before I came out to her. Not too many people were coming out as trans until very recently, and I just did not feel comfortable even seriously acknowledging it to myself, let alone anyone else. I am pretty sure she holds it against me that I did not tell her right away and does not want to understand that I had GOOD REASONS for doing what I did.

We tried working on it, or rather, I tried but I am not sure she really made much of an effort. We tried couples counseling, she quit. I found her some online support groups for spouses of trans people, she quit those. And pretty much passively made it clear that it was up to me to find another counselor and/or another support group. When I expressed my concern that she would simply find reasons to reject the next counselor and/or support group, she turned it on me and made it all about MY supposed negative attitude. Mind you, at this point she had a LONG track record of quitting jobs, leaving various social groups, she totally rejected my family, so I had good reason to be skeptical of it being worth my effort to find another counselor and/or support group.

So we pretty much drifted into not talking about my gender identity or trying to deal with it. I began to lead a double life, being my true female self when she is not around, pretending to be "man and husband" when she is around. Not exactly a great thing for either of us, but so far neither of us has been willing to point out the emperor's lack of clothes.

This has now become no longer doable for me. I have begun female hormones, and am planning to move forward with transition in all aspects.

My spouse is attending school in another state, so we are apart for long periods of time. She will be coming home for the holidays and then going back in January. I am planning to break up with her by letter when she goes back to school in January. I have Aspergers/Autism and do NOT deal well with in person drama, so I need to do it from a distance even if that may be considered cowardly.

There is far more than just my gender identity at play here. She gets very easily upset about things, and does not deal well with anything outside her comfort zone.

She can be VERY critical of me, and I often feel like I can do nothing right in her eyes.

We have had constant money problems, mostly because she insists on having certain things like a thousand dollar a month house in the middle of nowhere, but then also insists on having the freedom to quit jobs and go off to school in other states and even other countries. And it always seems to be my fault when bills get paid late, and I have had to sell many of my things to get money to pay bills. Things are not as bad now that I am making more money but it is still a struggle.

She gets into flaky New Age stuff, but does not seem to be able to practice what she preaches. She expects me to always think positive about everything and believe that things will work out magically, yet was not able to magically find a way to like my family or accept me as a woman.

She has a serious victim complex, always making herself out to be the mistreated and put upon victim and everyone else is the Big Bad Meanies who are out to get her.

It has been a very difficult process for me to unpack her distorted thinking and I still struggle to not feel guilty and like I am the problem. I fear that I give the wrong impression of her and that she really IS the Little Miss Sweetness and Light she likes to portray herself as, and that I am in fact the Big Bad Meanie Who Is Always "Mad At Her."

I have no idea if she has ever been diagnosed with Borderline disorder or anything other than perhaps generic depression. I have a feeling she does not WANT to be diagnosed because then she might have to own up to her issues and maybe try to change things.

OK, I need to go get something to eat so I will stop for now. Looking forward to hearing what you all have to say! <3

[Flutterby32]

ummm, ok... .I was kinda hoping that some people would post replies to this?

[Suzn]

Hello Flutterby32 

Welcome to bpdfamily! I'm sorry you've been struggling with your wife and with the struggles that can come with gender identity. What a painful path this has been for you.   

Not too many people were coming out as trans until very recently, and I just did not feel comfortable even seriously acknowledging it to myself, let alone anyone else. I am pretty sure she holds it against me that I did not tell her right away and does not want to understand that I had GOOD REASONS for doing what I did.

Times have changed and it comes with some relief for many. It's understandable you kept this to yourself, it's also understandable that your wife struggles with your coming out. Does your wife say she holds this against you?

When I expressed my concern that she would simply find reasons to reject the next counselor and/or support group, she turned it on me and made it all about MY supposed negative attitude.

It isn't your job to find her a counselor Flutterby. This part is hers. If she wants to seek counseling she will.

This has now become no longer doable for me. I have begun female hormones, and am planning to move forward with transition in all aspects.

Does your wife know this yet? Do you think there's a chance she may accept this?

She expects me to always think positive about everything and believe that things will work out magically, yet was not able to magically find a way to like my family or accept me as a woman.

How has her not liking your family affected you? Have you isolated yourself from your family? How has she not accepted you as a woman, meaning, you say you've lived two lives. One as a man when she is present and the other as a woman when she is not. How much time in a year do you two spend time together, you say she travels a lot for school? I'm asking to get a better idea of what your life looks like. 

It has been a very difficult process for me to unpack her distorted thinking and I still struggle to not feel guilty and like I am the problem. I fear that I give the wrong impression of her and that she really IS the Little Miss Sweetness and Light she likes to portray herself as, and that I am in fact the Big Bad Meanie Who Is Always "Mad At Her."

I understand feeling guilty when not being able to please someone, I'm a recovering codependent. Who do you give this "wrong" impression to?

I have no idea if she has ever been diagnosed with Borderline disorder or anything other than perhaps generic depression. I have a feeling she does not WANT to be diagnosed because then she might have to own up to her issues and maybe try to change things.

Has she been involved in therapy? How about you, have you been working with a therapist with everything you've been up against?

I'm glad you found us. I've asked a lot of questions, take your time, let's make sure you get the most from the right board.

[Flutterby32]

 

Thanks so much for the reply, Suzn! I am not sure how to do the block quotes and all that so I am just going to reply to your points like this.

I am not sure that she ever plainly said that she holds it against me for not coming out sooner, it has been years since I came out and heard her initial reaction so my memory is kind of fuzzy. But I do recall her saying that she felt "betrayed" by me, I think because I pretended to be a man for so long. But again, this was NOT ABOUT HER! I did what I had to do to protect myself, until it felt safe to face my gender identity issue.

This was joint or couples counseling that she quit and then seemed to expect me to find another counselor.

I have not told her about the hormones yet. I am not at all hopeful that she will accept it, or in any way accept me transitioning. I am going to tell her in January when I break up with her.

Her not liking my family was shocking and hurtful at first, because although my family is far from perfect, they are also NOT the horrible monsters she has made them out to be. It has not been too bad, I still see them pretty much when I want to, she just does not join me. Her not accepting me as a woman, well, when I came out to her, she was VERY invalidating, insulting, and just generally not supportive at all. Me being the "people pleaser" I am, I slipped into that mode and have been pretending to be a "man" when she is around and letting the real me out when she is not around. Of course, deep down I am ALWAYS and have always been a woman, I just play the part of a man to avoid conflict with her.

She attends school in a different state from where I work and where we lived together before she started school, so we see each other maybe one weekend a month while her school is in session and then in between semesters. She just got sick and had to drop her classes, so she is coming home tonight in a few hours (EEEK!) and will be here a bit longer than expected (UGH!).

I am afraid that I give an inaccurate impression of her to everyone I talk about her with. That I might be making her out to be worse than she is, but she is making me feel this badly, so I must not be exaggerating? It is so confusing, especially since she has a way of twisting things around to make herself into the victim and everyone else including me into the Big Bad Meanies.

She has gotten some therapy, but I think only really focuses on limited things, and things that are important to her, such as getting through school. I do not think she really gives a damn about working on anything for my sake or for anyone's sake but her own.

I am in therapy and it is great! My therapist is wonderful and is helping me so much!

thank you so much for the warm welcome and reply! sorry if I was being rude or impatient! <3 <3 <3

[Suzn]

If your wife accepted your transition would you want to remain married? As it is right now, you are still married and living together, you will need the communication tools that are necessary to have a more successful conversations with a pwBPD. These skills take some practice and are valuable for any relationship. 

You can find these tools on the Improving a Relationship board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206