Need some advice please

[MathewB]

My ex is suffering from BPD.  I tried to help her but failed I suppose.  I am trying to help her but she has completely shut away from me, her mother, and sister.  She was or is self destructive and I fear for her safety.  I am not sure if I should help her or even try to get back together with her.  I thought I was doing the right thing but apparently not.  I'm decimated at how she is reacting.  Despite not talking to anyone.  Should I just write her off completely and leave her alone.  Should I push the issue because if she continues to self harm she may end up in the hospital or have a fatal accident.  Please I need some advice.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Matthew, No, you didn't fail.  You didn't cause your Ex to get BPD and you can't cure it, as is often repeated on these Boards.  I suggest you let go of the outcome.  You are not responsible for another adult's wellbeing, my friend.  You're right, BPD is brutal but you have to accept that it's way beyond your control, in my view.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Hi Mathew,

I see this is your first post so let me be one of the first to welcome to you. I'm glad you found this place ... .you're among friends who have been or are still are where you are. You won't find anyone judging here ... .just guidance of what worked for us or what didn't work for us. We can share our experiences and we can be here to lend a hand up when you stumble on our journey. We can't tell you what path to walk or walk you journey for you ... .only you can decide what is best for you and your situation.

I'm know what you're going through is tough ... .you're under a lot of stress, anxiety, not knowing where to turn to, little if any support from family or friends. I would encourage you to read the references on this website to the right and at the top of the page. I would also encourage you to maybe seek out some professional assistance to help you sort out your thoughts, feelings and maybe guide you to a better place. You have to know that NONE of this is your fault!  BPD happened long before you showed up in the picture and nothing you did, didn't do, said or didn't say is going to make much of a difference in her recovery. BPD is a VERY SERIOUS mental / behavioral illness.  You'll read & learn that Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha M. Lineman to help better treat borderline personality disorder. It only works if they go & you won't be able to force her to go ... .like an alcoholic wants to get better they want to go to AA.

You have not failed in your attempts to assist or help her. I know you feel for her safety and this should not be taken lightly. Those who have BPD tend to be self destructive by several means to include cutting or other self destructive behavior. BPDs also have the highest incidents of suicide behavior or attempts and have a completion rate of 8-10% also the highest of mental & behavioral illness. If she says says or actually attempts it, DO NOT hesitate to call 911 for her own safety. In most states they will be held for 48-72 hours under professional observation and will most likely get the additional therapy and or mood stabilizing meds to help them.

We can't tell you to as you said, "write her off completely and leave her alone", this is your choice for what's best for you. Studies and evidence suggest that BPD is an ongoing issues that will need a lifetime of continued therapy. My exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy for 25 plus years with multiple therapist and still continues to have bad relationship, bad impulse control, suicidal idolization. Nothing i say or do is going to help here.

I know that you want to help, I know you care for her & want her to get the treatment she needs. You need to take care of yourself as well ... .like most of us you're probably aren't sleeping well ... .not eating well ... ."fast food is your friend".  You're over stressed and over taxed with other life responsibilities. Be sure to take some time out for your own mental health and well being. Try to get out for a one mile walk ... .it only takes 15-20 minutes at a slow pace and you can get it done before you get ready for work. Get out to see or call a friend you haven't spoken to in some time. Go out and get a beer & a burger or milk & a salad ... .but the important thing is to get out and start to experience life again. And be sure you're trying to get as much sleep as you can ... .sleep play such a huge part in the repair on your body both physically and mentally.

There are no quick answers to loving or caring for someone who is BPD ... .you can't cure it ... .you can't control it and you certainly didn't cause it Mathew. But only you can decide what path to walk. You are a compassionate person ... .the knight in armor ... .the cowboy in the white hat riding in to save the day. You have some home work to do with the reading material. Please come back as often as you need to to vent or get ideas of what worked for us or what didn't work for us ... .no to situations are ever the same. Come back as often as you WANT to ... .keep posting as its somewhat therapeutic to get things out as well ... .

Take care of yourself ... .be kind to yourself ... .share what you want with us ... .

JQ

[Joem678]

Hey Matthew,

I tried to help someone for two decades.  You can't help them.  No matter what you try.  You will need to let her see that she needs help.  Get yourself help because you are feeling sorry for her.  You see her as a victim.  You yourself will go crazy by thinking this. 

joe