Helping construct a letter to LC BPDEX

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For the past month or so I've been thinking of ending contact with the BPD ex as I've done many times but has always resulted in me contacting him. He is good when it comes to my boundaries on the contact, he just says ok the odd ''oh can we be friends'' but it doesn't feel genuine. I know i have issues, i'm in therapy, i'm a recovering BPD. This doesn't feel like an impulse discision anymore to end contact when before it was. I feel all i talk about is him in therapy and they know about him more than me and its time that i work on MYSELF, we talk about once/twice a week. I feel i need to set a boundary in place for myself to just contact each other via email (as we have a two and a half year old daughter, which he's not to bothered about) and change my mobile number and its a bit hard when i kinda know his number off by heart. ! I just need some help here with constructing an email to him to say what I'm going to do so i'm for once not looking like a childish idiot like i have maybe all the other times !

He triggers me right now. I would like to get into a place in years to come where we can be around eachother for the sake of our daughter and she ent asking why cant you be around daddy or something but right now i can't. I'm not gonna lie, I love him, i wish we could be together but he doesn't want that, being friends, meh its something I can't do right now. Even after everything he's done to me, we've done to eachother, it hurts so much, i'm in sop much heartache but yeah.

[Climbmountains91]

For the past month or so I've been thinking of ending contact with the BPD ex as I've done many times but has always resulted in me contacting him. He is good when it comes to my boundaries on the contact, he just says ok the odd ''oh can we be friends'' but it doesn't feel genuine. I know i have issues, i'm in therapy, i'm a recovering BPD. This doesn't feel like an impulse discision anymore to end contact when before it was. I feel all i talk about is him in therapy and they know about him more than me and its time that i work on MYSELF, we talk about once/twice a week. I feel i need to set a boundary in place for myself to just contact each other via email (as we have a two and a half year old daughter, which he's not to bothered about) and change my mobile number and its a bit hard when i kinda know his number off by heart. ! I just need some help here with constructing an email to him to say what I'm going to do so i'm for once not looking like a childish idiot like i have maybe all the other times !

He triggers me right now. I would like to get into a place in years to come where we can be around eachother for the sake of our daughter and she ent asking why cant you be around daddy or something but right now i can't. I'm not gonna lie, I love him, i wish we could be together but he doesn't want that, being friends, meh its something I can't do right now. Even after everything he's done to me, we've done to eachother, it hurts so much, i'm in sop much heartache but yeah.

[joel6242]

I have an email in my drafts now that I have not sent. It is a little strange because it is very short and really gets to the point. It is also very honest and with little feeling. Ok, let's pretend that I sent it. I would only get two responses which the first is no response and the second would be a response that would tell me I am to blame for everything. I see very clear that NC is really for me, there is no help for the BPD until they get help. Sadly enough, they rarely get help.

[Climbmountains91]

I have an email in my drafts now that I have not sent. It is a little strange because it is very short and really gets to the point. It is also very honest and with little feeling. Ok, let's pretend that I sent it. I would only get two responses which the first is no response and the second would be a response that would tell me I am to blame for everything. I see very clear that NC is really for me, there is no help for the BPD until they get help. Sadly enough, they rarely get help.

Yeah mine has a CPN which his had for the past four years and goes to a gardening group on a Tuesday but says he just goes there to smoke cigerettes and speak to the people that go as his quite extrovert and this one on a Wednesday where police, ambulance service come in to lecture about stuff   Just going off by what hes told me. His meds, his well aware his mentally ill. His just not aware that his behaviours are hurtful and unacceptable. He drinks every night, his quite a good drunk in a sense his not aggressive or anything it just 'chills him out'' and makes him pass out ! His on meds. So your saying maybe that isn't the right thing to do or?

[Mutt]

Hi Climbmoutains91,

It sounds like you have given careful thought with your decision with changing contact to low contact; shifting your focus off of him and shifting your focus on you Boundaries are really about self care and speaking with him keeps the emotional wounds lingering longer?

I can see how changing your mobile number would be an inconvenience for you, are you thinking about changing your number because you have angry feelings?

[Climbmountains91]

Hi Climbmoutains91,

It sounds like you have given careful thought with your decision with changing contact to low contact; shifting your focus off of him and shifting your focus on you Boundaries are really about self care and speaking with him keeps the emotional wounds lingering longer?

I can see how changing your mobile number would be an inconvenience for you, are you thinking about changing your number because you have angry feelings?

If i didn't have to contact him at all i wouldn't, i wish he'd go away to be honest  but we have a daughter and we are paying half each for her nursery fees so we have to discuss that, payments etc. Yes I met up with him today to give him our daughters birth certificate so he can open an account for her i haven't seen him for two weeks and i thought we were doing it there and then but turns out he's already arranged to meet a friend for tea or whatever so i just felt like ''great thanks''. He triggers my own issues.

Changing my number is just a boundary for me really. I don't know what else to come up with. I feel stuck.

[Mutt]

I co-parent with my ex wife. I chose email contact and no phone contact to be easier for me because it's less emotional; I can take my time to think about what I want to type or respond to her an email and I don't get caught off guard with something in a conversation because things can be said quickly. I know that whatever I type, her friends, family, lawyers and a judge could be reading my words. I keep in mind that there may be an audience that is going to be reading what I say.

I do this also for the kids safety and that everything so that everything communicated is in black and white and I can use that in case of ( court ) later. I don't want it to come down to a case of he said she said because it won't hold in court. My kids need dad to keep them grounded and navigate them through a childhood with a parent that refuses to get help for herself.

I sent her an email and advised her that all contact will be by email and to not call or text. She respected my boundaries but would call from time to time. I had to place the boundary on me and the times that she did call, I let the calls go to voicemail. I would listen to them and respond back to her message by email. It showed to her that I will only communicate by email, it took a little time but eventually she knew that if she calls, I don't pick up the phone ( unless it's an emergency ) and that I will only talk through email. That being said, set the boundary on you and if he calls then respond back by email correspondence. That's a boundary, changing your phone number is another boundary too.

[Climbmountains91]

I co-parent with my ex wife. I chose email contact and no phone contact to be easier for me because it's less emotional; I can take my time to think about what I want to type or respond to her an email and I don't get caught off guard with something in a conversation because things can be said quickly. I know that whatever I type, her friends, family, lawyers and a judge could be reading my words. I keep in mind that there may be an audience that is going to be reading what I say.

I do this also for the kids safety and that everything so that everything communicated is in black and white and I can use that in case of ( court ) later. I don't want it to come down to a case of he said she said because it won't hold in court. My kids need dad to keep them grounded and navigate them through a childhood with a parent that refuses to get help for herself.

I sent her an email and advised her that all contact will be by email and to not call or text. She respected my boundaries but would call from time to time. I had to place the boundary on me and the times that she did call, I let the calls go to voicemail. I would listen to them and respond back to her message by email. It showed to her that I will only communicate by email, it took a little time but eventually she knew that if she calls, I don't pick up the phone ( unless it's an emergency ) and that I will only talk through email. That being said, set the boundary on you and if he calls then respond back by email correspondence. That's a boundary, changing your phone number is another boundary too.

Thats exactly why I want to go to email because that happens.

So should I say something like...

''Hey, hope your well. I would like us to go through only by email when contacting eachother when its about ... .and payments about her nursery from now on. and not by phone/text. I will be changing my number''

?

[Mutt]

So should I say something like...

''Hey, hope your well. I would like us to go through only by email when contacting eachother when its about ... .and payments about her nursery from now on. and not by phone/text. I will be changing my number''

?

I think that's good   It's a little JADEy. You are changing your number and you don't really need to explain to him that he can't contact you by phone or text? It's your boundary, personally I wouldn't add "us" How does this sound?

Hey,

Hope your well. I would like you to know that I am changing my number and you can contact me by email for ... .and payments about her nursery from now on. Thanks.

[Climbmountains91]

So should I say something like...

''Hey, hope your well. I would like us to go through only by email when contacting eachother when its about ... .and payments about her nursery from now on. and not by phone/text. I will be changing my number''

?

I think that's good   It's a little JADEy. You are changing your number and you don't really need to explain to him that he can't contact you by phone or text? It's your boundary, personally I wouldn't add "us" How does this sound?

Hey,

Hope your well. I would like you to know that I am changing my number and you can contact me by email for ... .and payments about her nursery from now on. Thanks.

Yeah thats better, thank you so much for the help. I am rubbish at wording things. !

[Mutt]

You're welcome   Honestly it took time and practice for me to change with how I communicate with my ex wife.

What I think is key is to not JADE, I keep in mind that I want to make myself a small target, I don't write things emotionally and I keep the dialogue emotionally detached. Also, she can be unstable at times. Sometimes the messages don't require a response and sometimes it does but I'm kind when I respond.

You probably already know this, expect some backlash if you changed your number and I suspect that he's going to complain to you by emails.  I suggest to not  JADE, validate only the valid and don't validate the invalid in emails and that way you're defending your boundaries and he'll respect your boundary.