7 weeks NC...5 months breakup...still hurting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm the one who broke it off three times.

Her rages and torturous emotional manipulation almost made me lose my mind.

Her repeated threats of suicide have traumatized me.

Her inability to admit that she is wrong... .eva!

Her inability to have a logical conversation concerning working through any relationship problem.

The clear signs that we would never be able to have a healthy relationship.

5 months since break up

7 weeks NC... .initiated by me

And yet... .".I woke up this morning, with her all in my brain, fantasizing about how it might work(totally delusional).

I felt like I have fallen to the bottom of the pit!

Why do I continue to yurn for a person who has devasted my life?

Very discouraging.

[Rameses]

I'm the one who broke it off three times.

Her rages and torturous emotional manipulation almost made me lose my mind.

Her repeated threats of suicide have traumatized me.

Her inability to admit that she is wrong... .eva!

Her inability to have a logical conversation concerning working through any relationship problem.

The clear signs that we would never be able to have a healthy relationship.

5 months since break up

7 weeks NC... .initiated by me

And yet... .".I woke up this morning, with her all in my brain, fantasizing about how it might work(totally delusional).

I felt like I have fallen to the bottom of the pit!

Why do I continue to yurn for a person who has devasted my life?

Very discouraging.

[Creativum]

Oh brother!  Yeah.  Been there. 

Alright, check it:  I have tried to quit smoking more times than I care to remember.  It NEVER FAILS that something stressful will happen about 4-5 months after my last cigarette, and I will reach for the thing that was more damaging for me than it was soothing:  a cigarette!  Then I fall off the bandwagon.  It's because I'm addicted, and I'll always be in recovery.

I think the same concept applies to a lot of us on these forums.  We became addicted!  Literally, medically addicted!  Just like I'm addicted to nicotine.  Just like an alcoholic can only ever become a "dry alcoholic" ... .People with BPD are highly addictive to their partners.

You also have to remember that if a relationship is abusive (yours sounds like it was?), you can become "traumatically bonded" to that person.  My BPDex of ten years ago?  He beat me within an inch of my life so many times over two years that I came to *want* it in some weird way.  Like, when he was nice to me?  I got such a buzz from that!  So when he'd be abusive, I'd try to please him so I could get him to "reward" me with respect and kindness.  It SUCKS!

You stay strong!  You can do it!

[Mutt]

Why do I continue to yurn for a person who has devasted my life?

I understand. We have to let go of the fantasy and look at the whole relationship from start to finish. When you think about how things might of worked out, do you think about the disproportionate displays of anger, projections, dependency? I see that you wrote the bad things in the relationship here.

[cloudten]

Ramses,

You picked an awesome username by the way.

I know exactly where you are at- because it is precisely where I am at.

7 weeks NC.

Everything you said about her applies to me... .except our breakup and NC were simultaneous.

I have a friend who calls it battered persons syndrome, and can be similar to PTSD.

I like Creativum's analogy of quitting smoking. I am completely addicted.

What we are going through is a withdrawal. Everything we are going through is normal... .believe it or not. It's completely normal. I think we just have to stay the course. It is going to hurt for a while, I think. One of the things that has distracted me a bit from missing my xbf, is trying to figure out how I am damaged from my relationship issues with my PARENTS. That has been quite consuming. So while i miss the dBPDx over there... .over here I am trying to figure out why I was attracted and stayed with a pwBPD who was so abusive. The answer for me has been that my mother has NPD... .which is somewhat of a cousin. My mind has been blown and overwhelmed. Looking back- all of my longer relationships including the one with my non-exhusband, were all with highly narcissistic people. So right now, I am trying to figure out how to love my mother so I stop picking narcissistic people. It has been so consuming that I don't put much brain power into the BPDx now. As someone else on the boards has said- I have become an "addict of self-improvement."  There is nothing I can do to change that BPDx, but I can focus on myself, and it is making all the difference.

Creativum- I can relate completely to the *wanting* the abuse.  In a weird way, in my last incident with my dBPDxbf, he was choking me until I blacked out... .while he was choking me- all I could think was "just please do it and end all of this b.s. finally."  Disturbing now that those would and could have been my last thoughts- that I wanted him to hurt me... .to kill me... .but that was how desperate I was in that moment for it to be over I suppose.

Rameses- Hang in there with me bud. I am right there with you. Week 7 doesn't feel any easier than week 1... .but I am trusting the process.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[cloudten]

honestly- just typing out my thoughts about when he was choking me has made me relive those emotions of just wanting out of the relationship, wanting off of the demented yo-yo, the broken rollercoaster- whatever analogy works for you. Really living back in that moment where I lost all hope and wanted out so badly that i was willing to DIE... .

its a really good reminder- and somewhat grounding for me today. I wanted this. I wanted out SO BADLY that I would have willingly died in that moment. Powerful.

Maybe try thinking of a time, and bringing yourself back to that emotion that you felt, as painful as it may be, where you wanted out of the relationship so badly- that you wanted to get away from the abuse and the irrationality because it was driving you insane... .remember and hold onto that emotion... .and tell yourself that you don't ever want to be back in that place... .because that is where your pwBPD will take you.

[Rameses]

I think the thing that is really wearing me down is the up and down of emotions. One day I wake up and am so relieved that the doom and gloom monster is not waiting for me. And I am able to make it through the day feeling pretty steady.

Then other days I wake up and feel the heaviness on my chest.

And then other days I vacillate between the two throughout the day, that's so maddening.

Here's what I'm doing to heal:

Taking meds to regulate bipolar disorder

I have taken 3 months off of work.

I am staying with family, who happens to live several states away from my BPDw.

Going to EMDR therapy 3 days a week.

Going to Codependents Annonymous meetings 3 to 4 times a week and working the 12 steps.

Reading everything I can get my hands on pertaining to moving forward from these very destructive relationships.

Maintaining NC

Praying

Reciting positive affirmations daily.

Working out 4 days a week

And yet I sit here feeling like we just seperated yesterday... .so discouraging.

But yesterday I felt like I was making some serious progress, and on and on goes the yo yo of my emotions... .very hard and discouraging.

And yet I know that I am on the right path... .but it sure dosent feel like it.

[Schermarhorn]

I think the thing that is really wearing me down is the up and down of emotions. One day I wake up and am so relieved that the doom and gloom monster is not waiting for me. And I am able to make it through the day feeling pretty steady.

Then other days I wake up and feel the heaviness on my chest.

And then other days I vacillate between the two throughout the day, that's so maddening.

Here's what I'm doing to heal:

Taking meds to regulate bipolar disorder

I have taken 3 months off of work.

I am staying with family, who happens to live several states away from my BPDw.

Going to EMDR therapy 3 days a week.

Going to Codependents Annonymous meetings 3 to 4 times a week and working the 12 steps.

Reading everything I can get my hands on pertaining to moving forward from these very destructive relationships.

Maintaining NC

Praying

Reciting positive affirmations daily.

Working out 4 days a week

And yet I sit here feeling like we just seperated yesterday... .so discouraging.

But yesterday I felt like I was making some serious progress, and on and on goes the yo yo of my emotions... .very hard and discouraging.

And yet I know that I am on the right path... .but it sure dosent feel like it.

Same thing happens to me. My emotions swing drastically.

Just take it one day at a time.

[Rameses]

It just seems like I should be much further along after five months.

Although, the real test started seven weeks ago with the initiation of NC, not a peep from her which is so unusual.

[cloudten]

I know the up and down of the emotions is one of the most difficult parts- but ironically- its normal when you're trying to detach. Once I started to accept that the good times and bad times were normal- it seems like i was able to see them for what they were and ride the wave. Trust me- I am tired of riding the waves. But the waves are getting smaller.  Almost 8 weeks for me... .in some ways still feels like yesterday. But I felt different waking up today. today, i realized that it just simply would never have worked. we were each other's triggers. Even though I ended the cycle- he was really the one who wanted out. he was really the one who wasn't happy. he told my friend he wouldn't want to be back with me if he had the chance... .so something about waking up with that in my mind today has made me feel drastically different than the previous weeks.  I am sure he has moved on with other girls. that's great. I think I am actually in a place where I can be happy for him. It still hurts me... .

But I think we just have to hang in there Rameses. I think its addiction withdrawal. We have to treat it forever as an addict.  A good friend of mine in real life treats his former girlfriend (extremely disordered of some type) like an addiction. It had to be cold turkey and 100% NC.  I asked him the other day if he still missed her. He said yes, sometimes, but that he knows she is like heroin... .and that for him it is simply an addiction he cannot imbibe in.

Stay strong- don't worry about how long it has been for you. I do think that the true test is with the initiation of NC. I think that is when the real work can begin because you are actually, finally, beginning the detachment. Hugs!