Why we got together with them in the first place?

[maxsterling]

Max, this is why I think attraction is also part subconscious. BPD is a spectrum and people with it can be as varied as there are people. Pw BPD may have personality traits in common- but how these traits show themselves depends on each person.

If someone has had more than one partner with BPD, or has a FOO member with BPD, I would consider that this is part of our "attract-o- meter."

Opposites can be two forms of the same thing. We see this in behavior where people can be overly clingy or overly distant- both due to poor boundaries. People can move between the extremes. Black and white thinking is a form of this.


This is why I have been motivated to do some personal work on my side of things. My T has pointed out that when I grew up not wanting to be like my mother, I still didn't know what "normal" was. Striving to not be like her resulted in me adopting co-dependent behaviors. Perhaps a better way of looking at it would be to look at her good qualities and appreciate what good she did model for me, as well as try to not adopt dysfunction.  

W also has many behaviors so similar to my mom.  And I was trying to avoid that!  I think there is subconscious involved, but I think many of the BPD traits are familiar to all of us, and I think my W is initially a well-liked person by most people she meets.  PwBPD tend to be adventurous, interesting, sensitive, and open.  And I think many people see that as a refreshing breath of fresh air.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

No, I don't think it was my ex's looks that drew me so intensely.  It was this connection we had.  She's beautiful yes, but I know lots of other very attractive women and I don't feel anything for them let alone love them.  No, it was this connection that we had.  More than chemistry.  More than sexual attraction.  It was like spiritual.  That's the best I can explain it.  I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.  I've never felt so able to just be me, and to be accepted and cherished for it.  It was like a meeting of souls.  It was something that happened very organically.  I never expected it to happen.  I never planned it.  We both just felt it.

Yes ... .this is almost exactly how it was with me and my ex.  It happened for me the first time I saw her, that attraction that went far deeper than a mere physical one.  It is hard to explain and it really sent me spinning.   I don't believe I had ever experienced something like that before.    

[Wrongturn1]

Yes, my uBPDw is gorgeous and radiates a charm that people notice when she is in a happy phase.  She has been mistaken for Claire Danes multiple times, and lately, people have been telling her she looks like Taylor Swift (sp?).  I agree with the Claire thing more, but the point is she has stand-out looks and a presence about her that attracts attention.  [Also, Claire has shown some signs of BPD with her reported infidelities and cosmetic surgery... .makes me wonder if she might be BPD as well.]

Also, early in the relationship, she was very sexual with me.  These factors, in combination with her young age at the time we were dating, blinded me to a lot of red flags, so it was a surprise to me when the BPD features came out after we had been married for a few years.

[steve195915]

Yes I absolutely agree that I put up with a lot more than I would normally would and it's definitely due partly because of my BPDgf's looks.  It's also that the sex is amazing and that she can be so sweet and knows how to make me feel so good and push my buttons in both ways good and bad. 

[dacoming]

My dad must have thought he won the lottery, until sometime later when buyer's remorse undoubtedly set in as the BPD characteristics began showing up.

Lol... .a friend I had a long time ago once told me, "If you get married, keep the receipt!"  Every time now when these trivial arguments come up out of nowhere and the negativity, projection, etc, I think about what he said... .

My wife is very beautiful, even more so back in the day.  She has always gotten lots of attention from men and still today, she feels the need to let me know how she gets attention all the time and can find another me just like that... .a better me I mean.  When you are beautiful like that, you don't have to lift a finger to do anything... .at least in the beginning.  She has barely worked in her life and she's not the neatest woman you'd meet.  She can really cook but hasn't been doing too much of that lately (she cooked for probably the second time in about 2 years on Thanksgiving).  But you have to have some kind of substance to keep the person you are with.  What's on the inside tends to surface and make that beautiful woman very ugly to you.  She has convinced herself that guys were all after her because of her personality.  Don't get me wrong, she is a good person and definitely a lot of fun when she's not picking arguments and complaining about everything. 

[dacoming]

No, I don't think it was my ex's looks that drew me so intensely.  It was this connection we had.  She's beautiful yes, but I know lots of other very attractive women and I don't feel anything for them let alone love them.  No, it was this connection that we had.  More than chemistry.  More than sexual attraction.  It was like spiritual.  That's the best I can explain it.  I've never felt so close to anyone in my life.  I've never felt so able to just be me, and to be accepted and cherished for it.  It was like a meeting of souls.  It was something that happened very organically.  I never expected it to happen.  I never planned it.  We both just felt it.

Yes ... .this is almost exactly how it was with me and my ex.  It happened for me the first time I saw her, that attraction that went far deeper than a mere physical one.  It is hard to explain and it really sent me spinning.   I don't believe I had ever experienced something like that before.    

I admit, my wife is very beautiful but we had a similar connection.  We clicked like I've never clicked with anybody before.  I knew instantly that I wanted her to be my wife one day.  It saddens me to think back to that and where things are now.

[Cat Familiar]

Some of us have experienced one or more of the following patterns in our relationships with our significant others:

1.  My self esteem was low when we got together

2.  I felt my partner was significantly more attractive than me

3.  I was co-dependent

4.  Their behavior was similar to patterns I experienced in my family of origin

5.  They "love bombed" me

6.  Great sex

7.  My partner is polite and caring

8.  They accepted me the way I am

9.  We have an intense spiritual connection

10. My partner is intelligent

11. My partner is romantic

12. My partner has a great sense of humor

13. They idealized me

14. I admire their achievements

15. They are devoted to me

16. My family likes them and they are good with my family

17. I was starved for attention

18. My partner is charming

19. My partner is sensitive

20. My partner is open and insightful

21. My partner made me feel understood

22. My partner is adventurous

Some great qualities here! No wonder they attracted us.

[Cat Familiar]

Looking over this list, I realize that if I were single, I would likely be prey again (after three BPD relationships) for a pwBPD. What drew me to all of them was their sensitivity and willingness to be very appreciative of me in the beginning. I'd like to think that I could spot red flags, knowing what I now know, but I'm not sure I would. I guess the lesson is "If it looks too good to be true, it isn't."

[unicorn2014]

If I leave my partner it's going to be awhile before I get in another relationship. I have other priorities . I do not and will not want to give up my hard earned independence . I don't care how great the person is.

[Notwendy]

I don't have plans to be single, but in general, I think it is a good idea to not go from one failed relationship into another relationship quickly. I think taking the time to recover and grow emotionally could have great benefits with or without another relationship.

I think every relationship is a risk to some extent. Hopefully if red flags were to appear, we'd be able to recognize them better and handle the situation better if we have grown emotionally.