Thanksgiving visit already ruined--He left yesterday

[hollycat]

I am back to square one. I had hoped things would be different and they were not. He was unable to offer me reassurance things would be different; unable to say he loves me. Unable/unwilling to accept responsibility for his share in past issues. Of course, I am to blame for everything. My words are twisted and used against me. I am devastated again and thinking no contact is the way to go for me. Not the Thanksgiving i had hoped for. I hope everyone has a better week than I will have.

[Confused?]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Often times we think things will get better but with BPD they just get worse if they do not put the effort into getting better. Holidays are tough on everyone. Especially pwBPD since a lot of them come from broken families and holidays are usually triggers. I am going to spend my thanksgiving with my family and without my dBPDex for the second year. As bad as it is to have no girlfriend for the holidays, I think back to all the holidays she made way too difficult. You don't need someone who can't be there for you during your time of need. Holidays are supposed to be fun. Not full of drama.

[Mutt]

I share the same sentiments as Confused? Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays can be trigger periods for people in general. There may also be other periods in the year where we feel triggered. If he's blaming you it could be that he's triggered and he's shifting his feelings on you.

I can relate with that tension when a pwBPD are emotionally unstable and blame. When my ex wife starts blaming me, I know that emotionally she's going through something, she's feeling out of control and can't cope with her feelings so she projects them. I feel tension and stress but I feel better after I remind myself to not react to her.

Do you think that it's better to revisit breaking up after the holidays. How would your families react?

[DreamGirl]

He was unable to (1)offer me reassurance things would be different; unable to (2)say he loves me. Unable/unwilling to (3)accept responsibility for his share in past issues.

This is a pretty tall order when you're working on a relationship. For anyone.

In couples therapy, my husband and I had simple, achievable goals in the short term (as we worked on the longer term issues):

1.) Spend time together

2.) Attend couples counseling

3.) Use the word "prefer". i.e. "You're always late - don't be late again!" becomes "I prefer that you not be late."

To anyone who is trying to revive a relationship, we have to break it down into parts rather then these grand problems to be solved. Especially to someone who suffers from emotional regulation issues along with poor copings skills.

Most of our relationships fail because of our own unmet expectations.

What helps them survive is our ability to have expectations that are possible for the other person (acceptance!) and our ability to express ourselves to the other person in a productive way (communication is key!).  

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I totally get where you are coming from. I too have some need of reassurance, but I've learned that when dealing with pwBPD, you aren't likely to get any. They create chaos, then when we are left reeling, and feeling scared, they seem to thrive off that, or wonder why we feel off balance. They've vented, they feel better, so they seem to think we should too. They judge so much by THEIR feelings, and it's hard for them to empathize. I'm sure some with BPD can, but BPDh sure can't. Or refuses too, I'm not sure which, and the end result is the same anyway.

I think it's about intent. You wanted at least to know he wanted to at least TRY? For me, effort is huge. BPDh might fail to improve some behavior(I only want him to change the abusive ones), but if I know he at least is trying, that is huge for me. Even just telling me he's trying, gets him huge credit. The problem is, he won't even do that. Why? I think because he views that as ME(Ceruleanblue), being in control, or telling him "what to do". He just doesn't want to work on himself on ANY level. Therefore, he's having huge issues with his employees at work, his adult kids want very little to do with him(two won't even see him), and he's not actively doing anything that could make our marriage better.

Just know that a lot of us are or have been in the same boat. We want things to be better, and we have needs that go unmet, but in the end, the pwBPD has to want better for themselves, and be willing to self reflect or work their own issues. If they don't, they'll stay unhealthy and unhappy. Seems a sad choice to deliberately make, but it's their choice.